Family member caregivers -- who pays for the food?
Started looking after both my parents in late 2007, Dad passed in 2009, I need to do pretty much everything for Mom (age 96 ). All cooking, cleaning, shopping is done by me, plus all care for her as she can barely stand on her own, etc.
My husband is living 85 miles away at property we bought there, Mom and I used to go up every 2 weeks or so and he would come down when he could. Mom now refuses to go up, so I only get up there once very 4 to 6 weeks.
On the food, what I've been doing up to now is pay my half of meals that Mom and I share, and pay for my own food (and she pays for hers) when we eat different things. I pay half of things like paper towels, toilet paper, laundry detergent and so on. Typically, I put all such charges on my debit card, and then once a month I add up what Mom owes me and she reimburses me.
My husband buys all his own food and the household things needed for our home there.
This method is affecting my husband and I financially every month because we get caught short for about 2 weeks until Social Security comes in. To eliminate this problem, he wants Mom to start paying for my food and for all the things such as the paper towels, etc. He feels that since I'm not being paid for anything I do for her, that the least she can do is cover the costs of my food and those sundries we both need. I would remain solely responsible for food for my pets and for personal items such as deodorant, shampoo, etc.
What do you think? This will probably cost Mom about another $300 a month or so. She can afford it although she may not want to do it. How do others who are caring for family members in their own homes work this out?
53 Answers
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Just recently my mom went into a NH. My middle brother took her computer. During a fit of rage regarding something completely seperate he told me he was scouring her computer for evidence that my parents gave me more money than him. (Sigh) while I never kept totals I highly doubt he's going to find any such nonsense and it just makes me very, very sad that he's even going to try. Greed does awful things to people. I'm sorry you're having to see this in your sister.
Finding out about the loan/s to her didn't bother me, if she needed the help and they could help her, that's fine. Except for one thing: my husband and I have needed to borrow about $45,000 from Mom due to an overly-complex situation that arose during my husband and I buying our own place here after we moved across the country from NC when I realized the folks needed someone here 24/7 -- and my sisters have made a big deal about it. To the point that one sister accused me last week of "getting the lion's share" which obviously referred to Mom's financial assets. Obviously that's not correct, since our other sister has borrowed more than I have, and this sister who accused me has known about that $65,000 a long time. And when I pointed out the difference in what each of us has borrowed from the folks -- and I have no problem with what they have ever borrowed, mind you, I've never said a contrary word to them about it -- it just called down more crap from them.
I feel like I've been played for a sucker. Not by my Mom and Dad, but by my sisters who I've always thought were my best friends come what may. The fact that I was open with them about what my husband and I have had to borrow, because it had to do with Mom's finances, has been turned around and used to stab me in the back. Never mind that if I was not looking after Mom 24/7, I could not even get a part-time job so that we would not need to borrow so much. Never mind ANYTHING that I do for Mom, it's apparently all about the money to them. They don't even give her a call once a week, unless I encourage and remind them to do it. They only live about an hour away but never come to visit her unless it is one of the weekends that they are willing to look after her while I go and spend some time with my husband -- which has at times been up to 8 or 9 weeks since the last time.
I'm just shocked. And at this point, I would not take $150 - $200 from my Mom for my share of groceries/sundries until hell freezes over.
I really should let my mother buy all the food. I am going to have to start doing that. She thinks she feeds me, anyway, so I may as well make it true. Sometimes I get so focused on saving her money that I forget that I need to watch my own. I am glad that we had this discussion. It helped me sort out how I feel. If we are wealthy, it is one thing. But to give so much when we aren't wealthy isn't taking care of ourselves. We have to keep things in balance.
Now we'll have to see if we can barter some extra time for you to spend with your husband. He must be a jewel. :-)
Babalou, I will talk with her pcp this coming week and get a referral for a neurological. Those types of behaviors in her are random, certainly not daily and her mind functions well, so I'm sure she does not (yet) need something like memory care. But her needs go beyond AL, because she can barely walk without her knees giving out, needs help toileting, needs her food cut up for her (arthritic hands ... no pain but crooked fingers and weakness), and does not see or hear well.
To look at the biger picture, from your other posts, mom appears to be declining, in terms of delusuons, verval aggression and lack of cooperation. I'm going to suggest that the time is NOW to take mom to a neurologist/ neuropsych for a cognitive assessment that determines what level of care she needs. Cost that out (AL, Memory care, living with you and hubby with carrgivers and adequate respite). Qhat agould NOT continue is you "giving up" time with your husband and your own interests /activities without any compensation or consideration for what you are doing.
I have been working today on breaking down the groceries/sundries to see exactly how the "shared" portion works out. Because I do keep all the receipts and work it up once every month so Mom can reimburse me for her share, it's easy to go back through the last few months and look at what my share is.
Some things are difficult to determine -- for example, when it comes to food, Mom and I mainly share on the dinner meal because she eats what she likes for breakfast and I eat what I like but I pay for those things myself already as she doesn't eat those things. When it comes to the dinner meal, I eat a larger portion of servings than she does but we are splitting the meal cost 1/2 and 1/2. However, when it comes to something like toilet paper, she uses a lot more than I do and we split THAT cost 1/2 and 1/2. Most of the laundry is Mom's, but we split the cost of detergent 1/2 and 1/2.
Also, I don't typically ask Mom to pay half the cost of my gasoline even though most of it is used for errands around town that are for joint purposes such as going to the grocery store, going to the pharmacy, going for the mail, etc.
I am DPOA for my mom - the paperwork says I can pay myself - I don't merely because I don't need the money. The papers also allow me to pay my brother for caring for my moms cat - he has said no. But trust me, if either of us needed the money we would take it - and do so without guilt. Think about what you do day and night - day after day - isn't it work .46 cents an hour? Sheez!!!!!
What really threw me was them referring to this as a "change in a business arrangement". As I mentioned, there is no "business arrangement". Had I been told it would be a "business arrangement", I'm sure I would have at least thought about some kind of reasonable financial compensation as well as scheduling some days off every month. If we figure cost of home care at $10/hr and that being 24/7, then I've already saved my Mom about $86,000. If she'd had to go into a nursing home, by now all her savings would have been gone, all her investments would have been gone, and her property and home would have been sold. As it is, since I haven't charged anything and AM looking after her out of love and appreciation, she still has her assets -- which I feel need to be protected as much as possible just in case something would happen (to her or to me) and she'd have to go to a nursing home and would need that money.
Yes, I'm a senior myself. Just turned 67, and my husband and I are on Social Security plus his disability compensation.
I would do what I need to do to take care of myself in your position. IF your sisters were there, they would pay for their own food. But the truth is that they choose not to be there, so don't have to do caregiving or help maintain two households. It sounds like they are pretty much getting a free ride on your back. If that is the case, they don't even deserve a word in what you do.
You personally know what is reasonable and what is right. Your sisters p*ssed me off. If they aren't going to participate in caregiving, they can at least support the sibling that is. This makes me appreciate my brothers more. They don't help, but at least they don't hurt.
Oh, and they consider my request to have Mom pay for my share of food/sundries here as being "a change in a business arrangement". What business arrangement? Someone should have told me and I would have handled many things much differently than I have.
Get a life
Oh but then you are able to aren't you...I am not...so butt out
I am fed up of the churches do gooders telling me what I should/should not be doing and has Mum made provision for a donation to the church in her will? WTF I bloody hope not.... apart from the person she PAYS $15 (conversion rate applied - Brit here) to take her to church each weekend (a taxi for the same distance would be $20) we have never seen the minister, no contact from any of the other members apart from one who phones once every 8 weeks or so and she commits about 2k every year if not more....and they want more?
I am just wondering if I am executor when the time comes and she has left them money how long I can string it out before I have to pay them!!!! No seriously she hint left them money but I was shocked they had the gall to even ask
In the early stages of caregiving I certainly did not have a clue how much I would eventually have to do for Mum and how much it would financially impact on my life and my future. As the stages have developed I find it more than a full time job. I can't really leave the house for more than an hour without getting care in and as the law stands shouldn't leave her at all. So in reality I am expected to effectively have a prison sentence in the form of house arrest.
Should I accept that? Absolutely not but I have to pay to be let out and since Mum is a nightmare if we try to bring in an outsider that leaves.... well that would be me then!
I suspect that in future years there are going to be more family caregivers. There won't be any laws mandating the service, but hiring services or placement will become so expensive that many will not be able to afford it and Medicaid may have to cut back on how much it can pay. If someone doesn't contain costs we are sure to see some changes. I do see a problem, though, if one person per family is expected to carry the load at a huge cost to her/himself. Maybe someone should have care receiver classes to teach them how they can help their caregivers in a balanced way. (Of course, my mother wouldn't attend the classes because she knows how things should be already.) :-)
I know Mum hates me being her caregiver inasmuch as she hates having to be cared for at all. That said I also know she sees it as my duty (Odd that given that she put her Dad in a home - her Mum died early on from cancer and she didn't caregive to her either and when Dad got sick guess what dummy did the 400 odd mile round trip each weekend so she could have a break - she never cooked a meal once in those 5 years I prepared a weeks meals and froze them and she even bitched about having to microwave two different meals because Dads had to be pureed at the end. Does she see I need a break does she heck as like. So I am at her beck and call from about 5 in the morning till about midnight then a couple of times through the night sometimes more. The trouble is I snatch sleep where I can and I can't remember the last time I had natural normal sleep.
Did I know that when I embarked on the journey. noooooooo totally oblivious yet I did know the strain I just stuck my head in the sand
Love to all from the OSTRICH!!!!!! xxx
On the whole, we all try to do what we can to save Mom money. She's not wealthy, but she's in good shape financially; however, her income dropped substantially after Dad passed and she is having to draw from savings every month as it is in order to get by. While we anticipate she will be able to stay in her home and pass here, there is always the possibility that her condition (or mine) could become such that I won't be able to care for her at home and the rest of her savings could be needed for a nursing home.
But at the same time, my husband and I running into overdrafts at the bank nearly every month is untenable. It hadn't dawned on me until my husband brought it up that we were paying out full cost of some things for our own place plus also paying half the cost for the same things at Mom's home in addition to my food.
I get the feeling that we need to elevate the status of the family caregiver. I see so much loss of self esteem in myself and others as we go through this. People on the outside tell us we should give more and throw in a "take care of yourself" like it covers everything. However, the things we do to take care of ourselves are called into question.
We know what is reasonable and what would be abusive. I know that a parent with a live-in free caregiver should be responsible for the caregiver's living expenses that are reasonable. If I were the care receiver I would know this intuitively without someone having to even tell me. If I were not doing it, I would feel that I was exploiting the giving nature of one of my children. And goodness, I would not want to see one of my children go into poverty or go without food so I could stay in my home.
Jude, I wish that we could go back and take good care of ourselves. And AZLife, I would say to let your mother buy that food for you. It may help her feel that she is contributing. Talk to her about your money problems. She may be glad to help with the food.
I used to pay Mum for my board and keep, and it was a substantial sum, taken from the equity from the sale of my house. Now I have nothing well virtually nothing and Mum has to pay for my food and living expenses or I have to go back to work and she has to pay for carers.
Now we get into serious money. If I go back to work she pays an agency $30 an hour for a good reliable carer $20 if it is a sitter (they do not do toiletting). For constant care while i was at work that would work out at between $800 and $1200 a week PLUS I would still have to do the other 128.
So lets look at the family finances because we do live as a family her and I. I work and do 128 home care as well....income after tax, travel etc ? about $35k
She would pay out between $45k and $67k in carer costs
Its a no brainer and that is precisely why I say that in MY opinion and it is only my opinion that caregivers SHOULD be paid for their time if the funds allow. It's actually quite irresponsible not to be. I am not talking vast amounts here but certainly enough to live on in one form or another.
If I work I would burn out very very quickly at 40 hours a week and no sleep of any quality, if indeed I could work on that little sleep. I did try for about 8 months and started to pass out through pure fatigue of sleeplessness