Started looking after both my parents in late 2007, Dad passed in 2009, I need to do pretty much everything for Mom (age 96 ). All cooking, cleaning, shopping is done by me, plus all care for her as she can barely stand on her own, etc.
My husband is living 85 miles away at property we bought there, Mom and I used to go up every 2 weeks or so and he would come down when he could. Mom now refuses to go up, so I only get up there once very 4 to 6 weeks.
On the food, what I've been doing up to now is pay my half of meals that Mom and I share, and pay for my own food (and she pays for hers) when we eat different things. I pay half of things like paper towels, toilet paper, laundry detergent and so on. Typically, I put all such charges on my debit card, and then once a month I add up what Mom owes me and she reimburses me.
My husband buys all his own food and the household things needed for our home there.
This method is affecting my husband and I financially every month because we get caught short for about 2 weeks until Social Security comes in. To eliminate this problem, he wants Mom to start paying for my food and for all the things such as the paper towels, etc. He feels that since I'm not being paid for anything I do for her, that the least she can do is cover the costs of my food and those sundries we both need. I would remain solely responsible for food for my pets and for personal items such as deodorant, shampoo, etc.
What do you think? This will probably cost Mom about another $300 a month or so. She can afford it although she may not want to do it. How do others who are caring for family members in their own homes work this out?
You are having difficulty making your "reasonable" income stretch because you are trying to maintain two households.
I would get a caregiving contract set up with your mom asap. I seem to recall a month or so ago she was convinced that you had a strange man in the house. I would get legal boundaries and contracts in place for your protection.
So, yes, I think it totally fair that you mother should pay all the groceries. It really doesn't cost much more for two than for one. There are just fewer leftovers.
I would do what I need to do to take care of myself in your position. IF your sisters were there, they would pay for their own food. But the truth is that they choose not to be there, so don't have to do caregiving or help maintain two households. It sounds like they are pretty much getting a free ride on your back. If that is the case, they don't even deserve a word in what you do.
You personally know what is reasonable and what is right. Your sisters p*ssed me off. If they aren't going to participate in caregiving, they can at least support the sibling that is. This makes me appreciate my brothers more. They don't help, but at least they don't hurt.
She would know because I would need to bring this up and discuss it with her. I handle all her bill paying for her, but I would not change how we've been doing this without getting her okay on it.
My two sisters may or may not have a problem with Mom picking up my portion of groceries and sundries. It would probably cost Mom about another $200 or so a month. I would of course pay for my own when it comes to things I like that Mom doesn't eat, and for my own toothpaste, deodorant and such.
I guess my next concern on this is how to go about it. Mom's short-term memory is not very good, and so if we discuss this today she may well forget it by later today or by tomorrow. Some months ago, she decided that she wanted to give me $500 a month in return for all I do for her -- I told her she really didn't have to do that, but she was insistent. A few days later she had completely forgotten it, so of course I didn't push the point.
I'm wondering if the best thing might be to clear this with my sisters so that they know about it and are agreeable to it, and then discuss with Mom. Then if Mom is okay with it, my sisters will know that she has okayed it even if she later forgets it -- I could tell her "talk with X (sister)" who will back up that Mom has okayed this.
Don't know about putting it in writing, I would not want Mom to later think I had her sign something she doesn't remember signing....
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