Family member caregivers -- who pays for the food?

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Family member caregivers -- who pays for the food?

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Started looking after both my parents in late 2007, Dad passed in 2009, I need to do pretty much everything for Mom (age 96 ). All cooking, cleaning, shopping is done by me, plus all care for her as she can barely stand on her own, etc.

My husband is living 85 miles away at property we bought there, Mom and I used to go up every 2 weeks or so and he would come down when he could. Mom now refuses to go up, so I only get up there once very 4 to 6 weeks.

On the food, what I've been doing up to now is pay my half of meals that Mom and I share, and pay for my own food (and she pays for hers) when we eat different things. I pay half of things like paper towels, toilet paper, laundry detergent and so on. Typically, I put all such charges on my debit card, and then once a month I add up what Mom owes me and she reimburses me.

My husband buys all his own food and the household things needed for our home there.

This method is affecting my husband and I financially every month because we get caught short for about 2 weeks until Social Security comes in. To eliminate this problem, he wants Mom to start paying for my food and for all the things such as the paper towels, etc. He feels that since I'm not being paid for anything I do for her, that the least she can do is cover the costs of my food and those sundries we both need. I would remain solely responsible for food for my pets and for personal items such as deodorant, shampoo, etc.

What do you think? This will probably cost Mom about another $300 a month or so. She can afford it although she may not want to do it. How do others who are caring for family members in their own homes work this out?

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Have you applied for food stamps or food assistance programs?

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How will she know? Does she still do her own bills? Anyone that does what you do should be allowed nourishment.

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What you are asking is more than fair; other children actually charge a heck of a lot more.

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Is your mother paying you for your services?

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No, Mom is not paying me for what I do for her, and I don't really need her to pay me because my husband and I have a reasonable income between our Social Security and his VA disability, but our bank account does get tight over the groceries issue because at our end he and I can't budget on the food bill.

She would know because I would need to bring this up and discuss it with her. I handle all her bill paying for her, but I would not change how we've been doing this without getting her okay on it.

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We have my FIL living in our home X 11+ years now, and he pays 600 per month towards his rent, up from 500 initially, and he pays towards food, and sundries, about 300 per mo, which includes all of the shopping and errands done for him, the cooking of 2 meals per day, he can still manage his own breakfast for the most part, in his rent payment, it includes the basic household bills, such as water, heat, garbage, sewer, cable TV and telephone and electricity. I do his laundry, my husband does the majority of the cooking, and it just works. One thing he did do, when we consolidated his household into ous, was he bought new furniture for our family room, but 5hat was because he was spending more time in there, in the early years, a big screen TV, and he promised and delivered, a new roof put on our home, when it became nessasry, which was done last summer. He also shared the costs, of my husband building a 14 × 14 shed, up in the corner of our backyard, which houses all of the extra things, he wasn't prepared to discard, at the time of his moving in. We have now consolidated this down to just a few boxes. He gave up driving about 17 months ago, so now my husband has transferred his car, into his own name, but then husband also now does all of the maintenance, insurance, and gas, and does all of FIL's errands and drives my FIL to all of his appointments. So far, we have had no disputes over monies, but we have never done a personal care contract, which we probably should do, but again we haven't.yet. My FIL, since giving up driving, has become increasingly weak, and his mobility issues have increased 10 fold, and this is my biggest concern now. I have given him those stretchy bands to use to help him with his muscle weakness, and he says he does use them, both for leg and arm exercises, but do to his lack of walking around in the stores, he is a big fall risk, and now my next hurdle is to get him to use his walkers. We have also kitted out our home for safety issues, and have installed grab bars in his bathroom as well as a shower bench, with handheld shower wand, and thus far, he can still manage to showere himself, about once a week, and he washes himself daily.so, this is how we do it, it isn't nessarily the perfect situation, as he has both a bedroom, a TV room, and the main bathroom in our home, as well as full use of every other room, except our own bedroom, and yes, it is getting old, never going away for more than a couple of hours, and not having had a vacation in 7 years now, but I'm going to be working on this, this year.Good Luck on figuring out a harmonious solution. Oh, and he also does not as yet, have any dementia diagnosis, though he is having some memory issues. So if you do not have her legal paperwork done yet, I suggest you do this!

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AZ, I think you're in a precarious spot. You don't seem to be equated staying with your mom and financial difficulties.

You are having difficulty making your "reasonable" income stretch because you are trying to maintain two households.

I would get a caregiving contract set up with your mom asap. I seem to recall a month or so ago she was convinced that you had a strange man in the house. I would get legal boundaries and contracts in place for your protection.

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AZLife, since you are providing free caregiving, I think your mother should pay for the food and utilities at her place. It sounds like you're doing what I am doing. I pay for the groceries sometimes and use her card at other times. It depends on how much of what I bought is for me and how much for her. In reality, however, since I wear every hat in the house (caregiver, maid, cook, chauffeur, shopping, etc.) she should really cover it all. I've just not done that yet.

So, yes, I think it totally fair that you mother should pay all the groceries. It really doesn't cost much more for two than for one. There are just fewer leftovers.

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I just thought of the real reason that I buy so much of the food. My mother has this habit of pointing out how much she does for me, like buying the groceries. I am able to say truthfully that we both buy them. She doesn't remember that, though. She sees me as someone she is taking care of. She talked about a while back if maybe I could be a dependent on her income taxes. That was kind of funny. She does have a hard time sorting through things now and it really doesn't matter. I do things to protect myself from her more belittling words, e.g. pay for all my bills and groceries. Is it fair? No, but it's the way it is living under these odd conditions.

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I've been thinking about this for a bit - trying to come up with something everyone would consider "fair" - which is laughable since when it comes to money and bill splitting it seems one party or the other always feels their getting the crappy end of the stick. Your situation is also one of those that could go one forever in the "on the one hand..." cycle. Bottom line - if you weren't living there would mom have to hire someone to look after her? Would mom have to move to Assisted Living or a nursing home? If the answer to either of those questions is "yes" than I'd say you've got a lot of leeway as your mother is getting a huge bargin! You didn't mention - do you have siblings that would either back you up or conversely get all bent out of shape over the money spent? Regardless - since you want to involve your mom in the process, I'd suggest a sit down talk. Maybe start out with saying you want to work out a household budget regarding groceries and supplies with her. Explain that supporting two household grocery expenses is beggining to cause you and your husband a financial hardship - and that since you'd like to continue helping her around the house - some adjustments need to be made. Then work out a budget. Another thread here addressed how much food allowance a live in care giver should be given - mind you they also received a salary. A poster went to a state website that gave figures by law that a live-in would be allowed for food. It was crazy low figures - the snack figure sticks in my head - it was like .87 cents twice a day! Really? You can't even buy a decent apple for .87 cents these days. Be fair - if you eat an expensive type snack that mom doesn't - omitt that and buy it with your own money. Which brings me to your own money: you really should be given some type of pay or allowance for what you do. With a food budget and an allowance your mom is still getting a bargin considering paid hourly care givers get roughly $25 an hour and elderly living (AL/NH) can start at $3,000 then upwards of $12,000. a month. If you have no meddling relatives - just you and mom - you might be able to keep things as an agreement between you two. But getting a care contract drawn up with legal assistance is a far better idea. Either way - keep detailed records, notes and receipts for your own protection - if the amounts you are spending are reasonable you shouldn't have anything to really worry about. In the end - for all your years of care the last thing you should be is broke!

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tacy, I don't blame you for hiding food. The woman could make herself sick. I have to have tact with my mother because she needs to see herself as the dominant matriarch. It is a complex situation that bugs me sometimes, but it is easier to let it go in order to tackle the bigger battles. But I do have to say if someone did for me the things I do for her, I would feel like I could never pay them enough. She and I are from two different planets.

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Yes, if I was not here doing the caregiving, Mom would need to either pay someone to be here full-time or go in a nursing home, and I know for a fact that she gets better care and attention from me than she would under any other circumstance.

My two sisters may or may not have a problem with Mom picking up my portion of groceries and sundries. It would probably cost Mom about another $200 or so a month. I would of course pay for my own when it comes to things I like that Mom doesn't eat, and for my own toothpaste, deodorant and such.

I guess my next concern on this is how to go about it. Mom's short-term memory is not very good, and so if we discuss this today she may well forget it by later today or by tomorrow. Some months ago, she decided that she wanted to give me $500 a month in return for all I do for her -- I told her she really didn't have to do that, but she was insistent. A few days later she had completely forgotten it, so of course I didn't push the point.

I'm wondering if the best thing might be to clear this with my sisters so that they know about it and are agreeable to it, and then discuss with Mom. Then if Mom is okay with it, my sisters will know that she has okayed it even if she later forgets it -- I could tell her "talk with X (sister)" who will back up that Mom has okayed this.

Don't know about putting it in writing, I would not want Mom to later think I had her sign something she doesn't remember signing....

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My Mom lives with my wife and I and a full time caregiver. My Mom contributes a fixed amount per month for her and her caregiver's food and utilities. I long ago decided not to burden her (or myself) with changes to the amounts when food and utilities go up since she has mild dementia and it's like starting the topic all over again since she has forgotten by then that she is even paying those costs. We still cover the mortgage, taxes and maintenance costs of our home since those expenses would not change regardless of her presence. She also has OCD which causes her to need tons of toilet paper, tissue, baby wipes and paper towels. (Yeah, there's a paper theme). So she pays for all of that stuff regardless of who uses it--would be impossible to keep track. If your Mom can afford to help, don't feel guilty about letting (or requiring) it. Whether she has the faculties to realize it or not, you need her help and you are giving far more than you receive at this point in her life. It's not like you are raiding her bank account for a Jamaican vacation. Set it up and move on.

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$300? That's $10 a day. 41.6 CENTS AN HOUR. I think we are all worth that- don't you?

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I don't know if anyone has already mentioned this but....if Mom is in a financial position that she will never need Medicaid, then she can certainly afford to pay for all costs incurred when you are with her, including your meals, etc.You don't want to be paid to take care of her but you certainly don't expect that your personal finances should suffer along the way. Also, you are giving up so much. Help her understand that. Also, if she is financially sound, who will inherit when she passes? Tell her you would inherit less than have your current finances deteriorate. If she is not in that financial position, there isn't a need to hang on tight to all her funds cause she will just have to spend it down if she ever needs Medicaid so why not spend it now.

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I your mom had a live in caretaker she would be paying for everything including food plus a salary. You might let her hire someone and you stay with your husband and let mom see what it costs. If she wants you to come back, because maybe she doesn;t like this strange person, You can say, "I won't charge you as much"

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In my opinion you shouldn't be paying for anything. Without you, she would have to pay for a caregiver 15 to 20 an hour. You can't be eating that much food. I can see buying your personnal things or food Mom doesn't like but you do. Maybe itstime to sit down and explain that you r retired. Also, you have a right to see your husband. If she can afford it hire a caregiver to watch her while you see your husband. You are entitled to your life.

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Yes AZLife, I think your mom should pay for your food...taking care of an elder is draining & overwhelming, especially when the care receiver is demanding like both my parents are. My GreedSer doesn´t even buy any food and is eating off everyone else, he calls me all the horrible names on the planet whenever I mention that everyone (including him) should contibute towards food...he doesn´t have the same horrendous reactions when my brother says something, though! In a few days I´m taking both my elders to live with my sister (separate home), and the GreedSer who totally disrespects women will be a total burden on all of us...I´ve told my siser to withdraw cash from one of his accounts, which she has access to, but she feels that the bank personnel has become suspicious of her...GreedSer has many bank accounts, but doesn´t dish out 1 PENNY...it is so extremely frustrating! Good luck!

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Reading through many of the things people write, including myself, I get the idea that many of us don't feel we have the right to ask anything for ourselves. Why could that be? Why do we feel like we have a duty to do for others, but not to expect anything back? There is no quid pro quo (this for that), just quid and more quid. Many times we don't even get respect.

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I feel as children our responsibility is to make sure our parents are safe, fed, clothed and clean. We shouldn't have to give up everything we have worked for and our future. Its sad that our parents are living to the point of losing their independence and having to rely on us. They have to realize that things are going to change. They may longer be able to live in their homes. Selling them may help them have a nice apartment or AL. Its not fair to think that we should be keeping up their homes and ours too. That our husbands get left behind because they won't bend. They had their lives and we should have ours.

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I don't mind that my parents rely on me. I just don't want to feel like a well that is being tapped out without being refilled.

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Your parents pay for their food; you pay for yours.

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llamalover, what would be your advice to the person who is staying full-time with a parent and is unable to work because of it? Would it be the same? There is always the option of returning to work and looking at other options for caring for the parent. The OP in this specific case was having trouble maintaining life between two households.

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I might be more incline to agree with liamalover if this was one of those situations where the caregiving child could not afford to live on their own - had nowhere else to go - and this was their only residence. Clearly in this situation the OP is giving up living full time with her husband in their own home to care for her mother. I think she is sacrificing enough - too much - as it is. She shouldn't be going broke for her trouble as well.

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I gave up work to care for Mum I went from $75k to less than $5k overnight and it hurts. Now I am sorry but you cannot live on fresh air and you should not be forced into making yourself financially unstable. Trust me I know - I found out too late.

I used to pay Mum for my board and keep, and it was a substantial sum, taken from the equity from the sale of my house. Now I have nothing well virtually nothing and Mum has to pay for my food and living expenses or I have to go back to work and she has to pay for carers.

Now we get into serious money. If I go back to work she pays an agency $30 an hour for a good reliable carer $20 if it is a sitter (they do not do toiletting). For constant care while i was at work that would work out at between $800 and $1200 a week PLUS I would still have to do the other 128.

So lets look at the family finances because we do live as a family her and I. I work and do 128 home care as well....income after tax, travel etc ? about $35k

She would pay out between $45k and $67k in carer costs

Its a no brainer and that is precisely why I say that in MY opinion and it is only my opinion that caregivers SHOULD be paid for their time if the funds allow. It's actually quite irresponsible not to be. I am not talking vast amounts here but certainly enough to live on in one form or another.

If I work I would burn out very very quickly at 40 hours a week and no sleep of any quality, if indeed I could work on that little sleep. I did try for about 8 months and started to pass out through pure fatigue of sleeplessness

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Jessie: I understand that. The OP can make other arrangements then.

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Jude, sometimes I get sad when I read. I don't know exactly who you are, but I know you are a professional woman who probably spent many years learning and working in the universities. I can tell that you are very accomplished and talented. Your mother is lucky to have your help.

I get the feeling that we need to elevate the status of the family caregiver. I see so much loss of self esteem in myself and others as we go through this. People on the outside tell us we should give more and throw in a "take care of yourself" like it covers everything. However, the things we do to take care of ourselves are called into question.

We know what is reasonable and what would be abusive. I know that a parent with a live-in free caregiver should be responsible for the caregiver's living expenses that are reasonable. If I were the care receiver I would know this intuitively without someone having to even tell me. If I were not doing it, I would feel that I was exploiting the giving nature of one of my children. And goodness, I would not want to see one of my children go into poverty or go without food so I could stay in my home.

Jude, I wish that we could go back and take good care of ourselves. And AZLife, I would say to let your mother buy that food for you. It may help her feel that she is contributing. Talk to her about your money problems. She may be glad to help with the food.

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I'm still waiting to hear back from my sisters on what they think. It's not up to them to make the decision -- it will be up to Mom, of course -- but since Mom's memory has become less stable, knowing they are agreeable and will back me up if she questions it later, would be a significant help.

On the whole, we all try to do what we can to save Mom money. She's not wealthy, but she's in good shape financially; however, her income dropped substantially after Dad passed and she is having to draw from savings every month as it is in order to get by. While we anticipate she will be able to stay in her home and pass here, there is always the possibility that her condition (or mine) could become such that I won't be able to care for her at home and the rest of her savings could be needed for a nursing home.

But at the same time, my husband and I running into overdrafts at the bank nearly every month is untenable. It hadn't dawned on me until my husband brought it up that we were paying out full cost of some things for our own place plus also paying half the cost for the same things at Mom's home in addition to my food.

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If Mom has enough money for a caregiver, she has enough for an AL. This "we want Mom to stay in her home" is not always the best. We have to get out of this mind set. Also that we owe our parents. It puts a guilt trip on us. We should not have to give up our lives. We r entitled to them as much as they were. People are living longer and have to realize that their lives will change.

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I think the main problem JoAnn is that those people who take on the role of caregiver don't find this site until its too late. If I had known then what I know now springs to mind but its easy to have 20-20- vision in hindsight isn't it?

I know Mum hates me being her caregiver inasmuch as she hates having to be cared for at all. That said I also know she sees it as my duty (Odd that given that she put her Dad in a home - her Mum died early on from cancer and she didn't caregive to her either and when Dad got sick guess what dummy did the 400 odd mile round trip each weekend so she could have a break - she never cooked a meal once in those 5 years I prepared a weeks meals and froze them and she even bitched about having to microwave two different meals because Dads had to be pureed at the end. Does she see I need a break does she heck as like. So I am at her beck and call from about 5 in the morning till about midnight then a couple of times through the night sometimes more. The trouble is I snatch sleep where I can and I can't remember the last time I had natural normal sleep.

Did I know that when I embarked on the journey. noooooooo totally oblivious yet I did know the strain I just stuck my head in the sand

Love to all from the OSTRICH!!!!!! xxx

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Family member caregivers -- who pays for the food?

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