My mother is in a NH and basically immobile. She is generally not a major complainer. When she tells me about an issue that aides dispute I feel lost as to who to believe. Some aides are warm and caring and others have somewhat curt attitudes. One issue was about sleeping through the night. She says she hasn't been while a certain aide says she does. I had an issue with the resident next door who is very gone mentally. Her TV was on loudly during the night. I complained and that stopped but my mother told me an aide said she could have it on as loud as she wanted. At least I got that to stop. I just don't know who to believe as issues arise. I do my best to be polite and brought cookies on Easter for the staff. I feel bad that she could be at the mercy of an aide who has a bad attitude. I have found in the past such as when she was in the AL section a director defends the behavior of their staff even when they have attitude issues I observed. I just don't know how to proceed going forward when difficult situations occur.
She will say she hasn't been able to sleep when I've been listening to her snore on the baby monitor that sits right near me. It aggravates her to no end if I dispute what she says.
It may be that she's had to toss and turn to get comfortable but she is by no means sleep deprived.
She has complained for years about her skin itching particularly at bedtime but the dr. has no remedy. So she complains that she hasn't been able to sleep when in fact she means her itching is driving her crazy. In order to make her point about the itching, she exaggerates and says she hasn't been able to sleep all night long.
Why does the staff feel the need to contradict your mother? And why does the staff defend the loud tv for a person who is not cognizant? Are they not aware defending one person's rights effectively abuses the rights of another? What is the policy? There should be rules in effect that make this a nonissue.
I feel the aide is behaving very unprofessional in this instance and you should be on your mother's side.
Charlotte
If your mom has an issue with sleeping during the night, unless she rings the bell, how would anyone know. Trust me, they aren't popping in and out of her room all night long to monitor that. If mom has trouble sleeping during the night, what was it she wanted that she didn't get? Is she trying to say that sleeping has become a problem (and perhaps she needs a sleeping pill?). Perhaps the tv has become an issue in the next room again?
Does mom have her own room? If so, install a camera that would not be easily found by staff so you can look in on her. (The contract I read says if you install a covert camera and they find it, they can turn it off. If there is another person in the room, you are invading that person's privacy).
A person cannot have a camera pointing towards their roommate.
So, here’s the thing about cameras. They are everywhere these days but some people know how to dodge them.
Kids know that they have cameras on the school bus.
Do you think that it stops fighting on the bus? Nope!
Kids have figured out that all they have to do is to have a few kids stand in front of the cameras to block the view.
Meanwhile, a fight is happening outside of the cameras view.
The first thing that came to me as well was a camera.
I believe that you can get a "Nanny Cam " that is wireless and is hidden in something like a Teddy bear or a plant.
Depending on the laws of your state, it may be inadmissible or even illegal, however, you could see for yourself what is actually going on!
It's impossible to know what the truth is without being there!
God bless!!
But in more general terms, I can see both sides. Do you yourself know the aide in question by name, or even to speak to?
My mom is receiving excellent care in her hospice house.
Her Parkinson’s disease has progressed.
Her dementia is very mild.
She is 95, so confusion is bound to happen occasionally, right?
I don’t know what to believe at times either. I question certain situations.
She told me that her hairbrush was missing. Then she said that the aide may be cleaning it for her.
So, when the aide came into the room I asked if anyone took mom’s brush to clean.
I went into the bathroom and her hairbrush was there where it always is.
I think it is getting to mom being bed bound. She can’t check up on things. She loves knowing what is going on around her.
I know that she is exhausted but she’s bored too.
When she was in the NH for rehab I could wheel her around to the lounge area or the chapel.
She feels utterly helpless. I understand that.
She has always been an extreme perfectionist.
Her hair, nails and makeup had to be just so.
The house had to always be in order and so on.
It’s hard for my mom not to have any control.
Even being bed bound she likes to be very neat.
The aide places a bib on her but mom will pick every single crumb that falls so the aide won’t have to clean it.
The aide told me that mom gets embarrassed if she spills something.
No matter how much they tell her that it’s okay if she spills, she gets upset. I wish that she wasn’t so bothered by it.
All we can do is look into the situation.
Even if something seems silly to me, at this point in time, if something is within reason and it makes her happy and satisfied, I will do it.
She had me write her name on her hairbrush with a sharpie! 😂 LOL
Guess what? I may have giggled to myself but it kept her happy so I did it. Not a big deal to me.
I truly have tried to not only maintain a sense of humor but also I have been able to relax, let my guard down and I think mom realizes that I am not as defensive as I once was due to being overly stressed out when I was the primary caregiver.
Plus, if it’s legal for you to do so, install a camera in her room.
No one should be put off or upset by camera use today.
There are cameras everywhere now.
Shouldn’t we be accepting and used to cameras by now?
If a person has nothing to hide, who cares about a camera? I am glad it’s legal here.
Wishing you all the best.
This is a not for profit facility. As I have mentioned they have a benevolence plan. If my mother who is 90 now makes it to around 95 I will hope they will make that available for her. She will have been private pay since 2017 taking into account the years in the AL section. She had a LTC policy but that has run out. She was in a AL facility in NY for 3 years before we moved to SC. The cost there was much higher. I just hope for better days even though they are far from perfect given her condition.
Abuse doors happen in NH and most of the time the patient doesn't complain ,unable to speak or afraid to speak. Always check for brusiez on the body not just arms and face check back, torso, legs these are generally covered.
Good luck.
Is your mom mentally competent? If so could she manage having and using a cellphone?
If she can then when she's up all night have her text you with messages. Texts have the time and date with them and this is one way to prove who's lying and who isn't.
Never trust the word of any nursing home or homecare agency staff. They're number one priority is their job and making sure they please their supervisors and bosses.
Here's the thing about CNA's and other care staff. Everyone doesn't have the same kind of personality. Some caregivers like myself don't have a warm and fuzzy personality. I'll do right by your loved one and your family though because I'm trustworthy and competent with a good work ethic.
I've known many aides and nurses over the years who were the most warm and caring people. They'd always have a smile and hug for someone. That's all they had though. I've seen these wonderful, warm people leave someone sitting in their own mess waiting for the shift change. Ones who don't know the difference between plain old complaining orneriness and something actually being wrong. They'll blow a kiss and smile then walk away.
Those aides who aren't the warmest or nicest people are usually the ones doing right by your loved ones.
I so totally understand your frustration; because of the distance I had to travel to get to mom, I could only go on Sunday and spent an hour with her. SW or administrator were never there on Sunday, so I was able to get everone's email address and would send my "concerns" to the DON and SW on Monday mornings.
Can I tell you how exhausted I was at the end of 4 1/2 years? 4 years later, I still startle when the phone rings.
Care meetings should be scheduled every 90 days, I believe, and ask for one if they are not forthcoming.
I would take my brother with me to care meetings, as he is large, quiet and calm. I would raise my voice, threaten ombudsman and joint commission--sort of good cop/bad cop. But only to the senior staff. And because mom was private pay and the facility had a low census, they seemed eager to keep mom.
I brought cookies and cake every week, paid for by mom and with a note that said "From Mrs. A in room 108A".
((((((Hugs)))))))
once we put that in we were able to support parents and aides better.
How does that work if in a shower or getting hands dirty - and cleaned by aides?
I likened this to a school situation in which you wouldn't address an educational concern to the classroom aide; you'd talk to the teacher.
Find out who supervises the aides. Address the concerns mom has expressed to that person in a care meeting.
"I'm hearing from my mom that she isn't sleeping through the night and is disturbed by her neighbor's TV. What can be done about these concerns?"
Re: Tylenol PM- the physician or APRN is going to need to order that and it will need to be charted.
Set up a Camera in your mom's room and you'll at least be able to see what's going on while she's in her room. I set up a Nest Camera fir my Dad and now I can see what really goes on.
We can't fight all these battles for our mother's and win them. Pick the ones you think are serious, and leave the rest alone.
You say your mom 'doesn't have dementia' but has 'a lot of short term memory loss' which sounds like dementia to me. Long term memory loss, with dementia, is not affected until the advanced stages. Similarly, Sundowners goes hand in hand with dementia oftentimes, and presents itself with many of the same symptoms.
That said, a lot of what your mom is saying nowadays should be fact checked. And then, you'll have to decide who's telling the truth, her or the NH. So again, pick your battles and let the small stuff go, that's my suggestion. If her overall care is good, that's the main thing, imo.
Does Mom have Dementia? If so, I may lean towards the aide. And, I think a TV on after bedtime is a no no. That is not fair to the other residents who are also paying to live in the facility.
We went into an Aunts room that she shared. Her roommate first complained that Aunts TV was too loud so we got her earphones she could use with the TV. Back then the TVs were put on top of the chest of drawers on a wall at the foot of the beds. Meaning, both TVs were on the same wall. So then the woman complained that she could see Aunts TV screen and it was interfering with her enjoying her TV. So dear Aunt turned off her TV. I told Aunt that she was paying to live there too and she had a right to watch her TV. If they had had where the curtain between the beds went across to the wall, there would have been no problem.
While my mom was living there for 5 1/2 years, I got to know almost all of her hands on caregivers. I always gave off positive signals if I was pleased/satisfied with their care for her, and tolerated what I considered careless or non-helpful attention as long as it didn’t directly harm her.
As time went by, I learned that some of the caregivers I hadn’t liked or had confidence in turned out to be the best caregivers she had. The rare useless/problematic caregivers didn’t last long.
In Covid? MUCH MUCH HARDER. But I DID LEARN that even those caregivers who remembered my mom told the new people caring for my LO that I’d do my best to help with whatever I could.
I have been separated from LO for 6+ months, and had my first visit, outside, last Wednesday. She was clean, plump, and obviously well attended to.
Suggestion- try to “inform” instead of “complain”.
“Could you check on Mrs. Loud Neighbor’s TV before mom goes to bed for the night? Mom says it’s loud enough to wake her up sometimes”.
“Somewhat curt...” may be pretty understandable in current circumstances, and not aimed at your mom but coming from overworked and overwhelmed, and of course, it’s hard on everyone.
Maybe you’re also a little overtaxed and under appreciated too. I know darn well I am. Give yourself as much slack as you can, as long as concerns about caregivers aren’t resulting in damaging consequences.
Hope things will be smoothing out for you and your mother very soon!