Who should be responsible for the care of an aging mother? Her siblings or her children?

See if I understand this correctly: You have a sister who will need care soon. She has adult children but none of them seem willing (able?) to take charge of her care. You are wondering if you and/or your other siblings should take on her care, or leave it to her children. Is that correct?

First, what kind of care is sis going to need? Is this temporary (such as after surgery) or more permanent?

Has sister named a financial POA and a healthcare POA? Who are they? Did they accept the assignment? Note that having POA authority does not require direct caregiving. It could be a matter of arranging suitable care, for example.

What is your sister's preference for care? How do you and your siblings feel about caring for her?

Give us a little more information about this situation, and perhaps someone can share some relevant experience.

Whether we like it or not, no-one is legally 'responsible'. For more discussion, yes, more information please.

No one person is responsible for the care of an elderly relative. Hopefully, in the best situation, the person has made a plan (unlikely) for care as they age. My parents didn't make any plans and wound up in the streets, so to speak. YB added on to his home and they moved in there. Moving from a 5000 sf home to an 800 sf apartment was hard!! Daddy passed 13 years ago. Mother is going on 22 years in the apartment, which my brother absolutely DID NOT plan for, nor enjoys one bit.

The rest of us sibs kick in some money to pay YB for his services, Mother is requiring more and more care, but YB will not allow outside help at all. His call, We cannot dissuade him to move mother to a more hands on NH and so he gets the largest slice of the pie, work wise.

I am pretty adamantly opposed to having parents move in with their families. Horror stories abound on these boards. Yes, it CAN work, but seems like it really never does, and can cause fractured families and bad feelings.

Everyone is different. Every family has different dynamics. W/O knowing more about your situation, I can't say.

I know, for my family, once mother passes, we will likely never get together again as a family. Too much infighting, too many sibs were simply MIA all the time and bad feelings ensued.

No one who doesn’t want to be a hands-on caregiver should be expected or be assigned responsibility to do so. It’s darned difficult. There’s no training, no compensation unless you get paid from the person’s own funds, and it’s a thankless job. If everyone is passing the buck about Mom’s care, it would be best to call a family meeting and decide what’s to be done.

I feel her children are responsible for her care or setting up care for her.

How old are you and your siblings. This would have a lot to do with who can do the caregiving if one of her siblings would want to. Also, depends on what sister has wrong with her.

I am assuming here that someone feels siblings are? Sorry, but I feel no responsibility to my brothers. Both have grown children of their own and one a wife. Now, if they lived by, I may visit giving the caregiver a break. Maybe make a meal. Help with transportation.

More information is needed to give u a good answer.

Who's *responsible*? The lady herself. If she needs help with care, or support generally, it is up to her to arrange it. If she is no longer able to make such arrangements, the responsibility falls to whomever agreed to accept it. If she didn't gain the agreement in principle of any one person to take this job on, for example by appointing POAs, the responsibility falls to willing family members or, if there are none, to her community and then to the state.

This sounds cold; but there is a lesson in there for all of us. We spend so much time discussing elders' current issues but perhaps not nearly enough recognising that those elders will be us in just a short time. And the fundamental point is the same: consenting adults, however aged, are responsible for themselves. We all know exactly when we'll be eighty - God willing - after all. It's not like it happens by accident.

For practical purposes, in the case of this particular aging mother, it is up to her (or her representative, if she can't) to ask for help. If her children are not willing to provide support she will have to look for other resources, and she would do better not to lean on siblings who are, presumably, in much the same age boat as herself. The relevant Area Agency on Aging will offer advice about where to start.

Country mouse is right. You are responsible for yourself.

Who should do it doesn't matter one bit. Who will do it? That's the only thing that's important. If no one can be counted on to take care of you, how do you arrange your life to accommodate that fact?

That is pretty disgusting unless there is a situation that has alienated them greatly. The siblings are no doubt aging too. There can't be a prediction of them being around and possibly also fit. I realize there are very difficult parents out there but the numerous stories of very negligent offspring on these posts is not right. Everyone can get old unless they don't make it to that stage. Do any of them think they might like some help near the end

It’s more typical that a person’s children provide care or make arrangements for caregivers. I usually see reluctance if there is/was a strained relationship, when children live far away and/or have limited time or when children are uncomfortable and having a difficult time accepting what is happening, or may be in denial.

I recommend having a frank conversation with them, or at least one of them, to find out what the issue is.

Waxing philosophical this rainy Virginia morning but....wow. To think that at some point this mother and sister was likely grateful for both her siblings and her children, likely made sacrifices for them...now she’s a burden. If nothing else this week I’ll be sure to get my will completed as well as my advance directive....
That said, this comes down to a good legal Question. Lawyers?

The ones that are most willing to do it, whoever. My only sibling is 8 1/2 years younger than I am, but we have had our differences in the past. Also she has a husband still to take care of. Her daughter, my niece, is closer to me than to her mother, and my niece is closer to me than my own two children--however, she lives 400 miles away so she is out as a caregiver. My two kids don't get along with each other--my daughter complains that her brother isn't helping at all with their father (my ex) who has dementia and is starting his third year in a nursing home. Yet she gets furious when I suggest putting her brother as my financial POA (as a nurse she will still be health care POA). Since I am 81 (ex is 84) I worry that she can't do both. Luckily I am in pretty good physical health and don't need a caregiver yet. Family dynamics are so bad!

Just don’t put up with the notion that it’s always a daughter’s duty! It should never be the responsibility of one person, whatever the relationship. All available should do what they can. And, if possible,pool resources & HIRE HELP. And let the aging parent know two choices are available: accept outside some outside help or do without.
Been There

After tending my father with little help from my siblings, I decided that their children would definitely be contacted first.

Ultimately, someone will have to come forward - only time will reveal who it will be.

Her children

I’m thinking about this question and at this stage of my life finding it a bit amusing . Sorry I know it’s not really funny at all . I’m 71 taking care of my 75 year old husband with Alzheimers . If my somewhat healthy 76 year old sister needed help at a certain point I’d have to be
“ superoldwoman “ to take her on too . I’d love to be able to do it but can’t even have her stay over on a visit anymore as I can’t give a well sibling the attention I used to be able to . She was always a devoted and caring mother so I hope her kids will step up but I sure can’t .

In a perfect world, all three children will be responsible and will work together with the parent to make sure that he/she is safe and healthy. But we all know that doesn't happen as often as any of us would like.
My father-in-law solved a problem of three siblings (my mother-in-law one of them) who needed to care for their father in a diplomatic manner since only one of the siblings (his wife) was carrying the ball and the other two were making excuses and making themselves scarce. He sat them all down and asked them what the three of them would like to see happen. They had an open discussion and settled on a solution that satisfied all of the parties and met the growing needs of their beloved father.
Some adjustments and flexibility among all of them needed to occur, which over time it did. I admired all of them for working together, including their father.
In my case, there isn't anyone other than myself to help my aging family members, the last being my mother. My three aunts (who had no one other than me; one with an uninterested son) all cooperated and trusted me to make good judgements for their needs.
Not so with my mother, 91, who wants control of everything even if it means making bad judgements or making unreasonable requests of me. With her I have to enforce strict boundaries. She lives in an apartment and gets weekly help from me and my good friend. When she does try to make hasty, bad, or unreasonable decisions or requests, I tell her I won't be a part of it and why, and she's on her own if she doesn't discuss it to come up with other options that are safe and healthy. Since she won't discuss in home care or other options, that will have to wait until it happens (even her doctor said, "this won't end well.")
So, what I'm getting around to is that you don't go into care giving without thinking and just your heart guiding you. You have to use BOTH if you want this commitment to work for you and your loved one(s). We all have different levels of what we can do and we can't lose ourselves in care giving or we'll become one of the statistics of care givers who burn out and possibly wind up ill or worse yourself (70% of care givers over 70 years old die first). Educate yourselves through reading and professionals (doctors, nurses, senior social workers, etc.) Get a strong support system in place. Then assess your situation and develop a plan that suits you both and will change over time that also works. Sure, you'll get some push back and complaining, but you'll not have regrets for your loved one or yourself.
I wish you all the best. Each situation is different, but some or most of the considerations are the same. Take care of yourselves, too!

Everyone can't expect one person (usually a child) to do it. But that is usually what happens (often a daughter).

Most have reasons why they can't/won't help. Everyone has a reason, though, including the person everyone expects to take on the job. NO ONE should be EXPECTED to take on the job. Everyone has a right to refuse.

Society doesn't agree, though. A child (usually a daughter) is expected to be the martyr at the altar of eldercare.

I generally don't post 2 discussion boards, but after reading some of the replies 2 this question thought it might be worthwhile 2 add w/ I learned from my personal experience as a primary CG 4 10 years.

1. My dad did not make any provisions 4 the end of his life. In the end, it was up 2 us 3 siblings 2 decide his fate. My brother agreed to step in and take on this responsibility, which he did, sort of. By that I mean, he accepted the responsibility, but did a pretty poor job of it. Without going into all the gory details, my dad eventually ended up in the hospital, where he stayed for 9 months b4 passing away alone in an empty hospital bed. Very sad, very tragic, but that's how the story of his life ended.

2. On the other hand, my mother, who was divorced from my father, did make provisions for the end of her life where she appointed me as the primary person responsible for all of her affairs. She did discuss this w/ me & I more than willingly accepted the responsibility. She also gave me a way out, by appointing my brother as her secondary person, in the event I should need to, or want to step down, which my brother also agreed to, but in the end REALLY did not want to do.

Fast forward 20 years, my mom is now in her late 70's and showing signs of alzheimer's. She sells her home; moves into a townhouse that is 15 minutes from me and lives there for 2 years. By now, I am married w/ 2 small children, 3 and 1. As the disease progresses, the daily, sometimes bi-daily, trips to ck on her are taking a toll. Each visit I find more and more disturbing evidence of the disease progressing. Eventually, we build an oversize garage on our property w/ a 700 sq. ft. apt above it. She lives there for 4 years. My children are now 9 and 6. My mother's disease has progressed to the worse stage, middle-middle to early-late. She now exhibits the "craziness" of the disease. My 6-year old is terrified of her and I am completely stressed, I ask my doctor for sedatives to help keep me from being crazy. Eventually, she's moved into a memory care unit where she stays for 3 years until her money runs out & we're forced to move her into OUR home. Fortunately, she is now on appropriate meds and her behaviors under control. She is still able to attend adult day care, but within a year, has several falls & eventually becomes bedridden; hospice and outside help are now required. She lives another 2 years (praise God hospice never pulled out). By this time, it's costing $3500.00 a month to care for our home. Her SS ck is $1700; we foot the remainder. When this became too burdensome, I asked my siblings to contribute. Neither of them do. I then contact an attorney to ask if the state would take responsibility of my mother and am told; absolutely not. She cited our state law, which clearly states it is the responsibility of the children to care for their parents and offers to write a letter to my siblings, 2 which I declined. I then share this information w/ my siblings & in the end my brother did contribute $400 a month until my mother's death.

What I learned: It doesn't matter w/ anyone else does. It matters w/ I do. I know I did everything I could to give my mom the opportunity 2 die at home w/ dignity, surrounded by warmth & love. The Bible tells us 2 honor our parents & that's w/ I did. We all have our demons & we're all doing the best that we can. I hold no animosity toward my siblings. It's very difficult 2 look death in the face & realize your next. The Bible tells us that there is no greater love than one who is willing 2 lay down his life 4 another. I was taught these words as a child, but did not fully understand them until I was called 2 live them. In answering that call, I drew closer 2 God & He transformed me into a much better person than I was before. Remember 2 turn your eyes upon Jesus and look into his glorious face & the things of this world w/ grow strangely dim.

Don't be bitter. I hope this helps.

This is a tough one. I'm not sure if there is an actual "law", but I found one of the other posts interesting in that they had spoken to an attorney, who stated that their state law said it's the responsibility of the children.
I've found many of these posts interesting- particularly those who said it's basically the responsibility of whomever would actually DO it. That turns out to be how it usually works, fair or not, law or no law. I am caring for 81 y.o. Dad with Alzheimer's- my only sister, who lives in-state about an hour away, literally abandoned me (us). She told me flat out "I can't help you, sorry. I have 2 children". Mind you, they are BOTH away at college, so I'm not sure how much minute-to-minute help these young women need, but there it is. I also had 2 bachelor uncles who were cared for by both their sister (my aunt) and myself.

determine what the problems - health' mental, etc really are. sit down with children and siblings to talk about the problems and discuss ways for everyone to help provide some assistance. determine financial resources that are available - if any - perhaps to hire some assistance during day and/or evening. look to local dept/ of aging for some help.

wow. Good question. My husband and I have raised our children, taken care of our parents and have one parent left in our home who is on hospice. We have been married 34 years and we still have not taken a honeymoon. If my husbands sister cannot get her own grown children to help her I think I will literally keel over if she becomes our responsibility. Her 2 children are absolutely able but very selfish.

What are the ages of the "aging mother's" siblings? No doubt they themselves are elders, UNLESS of course there was a large spread of time where the grandmother birthed her children, which does happen. No one adult child is "responsible" for the care of their aging mother, but it generally comes down to an adult daughter. I've seen it time and time again. The elder has waited too long to make any decision, possibly lives out of state from the adult daughter and ABSOLUTELY thinks they can go it alone (ALL TRUE IN MY CASE AT LEAST).
So responsibility, quite often, turns into ethical/morality mindsets.

I read many of the answers prior to checking and found that:
1) 30 states have some type of filial responsibility laws.
2) obviously, the amount of responsibility varies in each state.
3) only 1 state actually enforces the law aggressively -- Pennsylvania.

I actually do not have an opinion as to who should take care of aging parents.
I took care of my parents for eight years 24 hours a day and 5 days a week
because I did not want to see either of my parents in an assisted living facility.

As a child you have to make a choice to be 'all in' or not. I have been 'all in' caring for my Mom 10 years now. She would have to be in Nursing home if I did not take care of her at home. I administer medications through her Peg Tube and run tube feedings too. Basically I push her around in transport chair because of Parkinson's.... so thats the deal and It is a lot of hard work, BUT I give her a life and try to keep her safe.

I am the youngest of six, with my oldest brother having passed away. The 4 others are several years older than me and in a better situation to care for my Parents(Dad passed now.) financially and mostly that they all are retired, so they do not have to work to make a living any longer.
But, for whatever reason they choose to not even be a part of Moms life. When I was a child I knew then that I would be the one to take care of my parents, when the time came. Just a feeling I had.
However, I thought I would be older and not at this age. But, I would have it no other way, I do not believe that my siblings would love and care for Mom as I try to do. But, at times it does seem unfair that it all falls in my lap. But God has mercy and grace He bestows upon me everyday that helps me endure through the challenges.
As one said you have to be all in. Well I am all in, and will be until the end.
Some children I believe just were meant to be the caregivers and others the bystanders. It is just the way it is so it seems.
My Mom has been a wonderful Mom to all her children, so I cannot comprehend why none of them but myself would be willing to be there for her. She has never done anything but love and sacrifice for all her kids. But, again some have it in their hearts to care and some have it in their hearts not to care.
So For me, I am committed to serving my Moms needs and helping her in any way I can, to live the best possible life in Jesus Christ.
Its a choice many will not choose.

Children!

While I know many people will think differently but I feel it's the Children Who should Care for their Parents in old age. After all they brought Us into the World and reared and did every thing for Us while making great sacrifices then how can We look away and not be there for them. I Cared for my Mother 24/7 at home for the last three years of Her life and I refused praise from any one stating I owed Mother a huge debt of gratitude for all She had done for me and I felt so Blessed to be able to Care for Mom.

If I understand them correctly, filial responsibility laws are civil law (as opposed to criminal) and apply when a parent or other relative is impoverished. There is no age requirement associated with these laws and most of them really only get applied when it comes to children. And I believe that is true even in the "aggressive pursuit" State of Pennsylvania.

Although children should be at the very least willing to ensure that their mother is safely aging in place, you do not know their reasons for keeping away. And unless you ask them what they know about their mother's situation, you are making assumptions.

Do her children usually visit during November or December? The holidays are approaching and that may be the right time for the family to discuss important matters such as bringing in professional in-home help for your sister.

Have you asked your sister what she wants?

Does your sister have her paperwork in order e.g. durable power of attorney medical and financial, living will, will? In my opinion, you cannot ask someone to be responsible for your affairs without giving them the authority to do so.

Maybe you need to wonder why the children are reluctant.

Is Mothera hoarder? Is she emotionally abusive? Has she rejected their efforts to help?

My mother has (undiagnosed) Obsessive Compulsive Hoarding Disorder, probably secondary to depression. Which she will not acknowledge or seek treatment for, and which causes extreme issues in our relationship. To the extent that I have to set firm boundaries- to protect myself, my sanity, my marriage and my children.

For example, I am willing to help find doctors, fill out Medicare paperwork, make sure she has transportation to doctor visits. But I am not willing (and am not invited) to enter her home. Because protecting her hoard - a pile of trash and decaying junk - is more important to Hoarding Mother than allowing anyone into her home to bring groceries, help with laundry, do repairs or visit.

Maybe I’m wrong, but I read your post as judgmental of the children. I am sure many people who don’t know what goes on behind closed doors would think I’m a terrible person for “not caring” for my Hoarding Mother. In the way I would like to care for her, but in the way she flatly rejects.

Bottom line - it takes two to tango, so if kids are keeping their distance, I would ask you to consider that there may be a very valid reason.