Who should be responsible for the care of an aging mother? Her siblings or her children?

This is a tough one. I reluctantly took on the role of organizing and supervising the care of my elderly parents a few years ago. My father was in poor health and needed in -home care my mother was not physically able to do.

I have 3 siblings who are reluctant to step in. Dad was the dominate force in our lives and I had to walk a careful line to get him to cooperate without him taking it out on Mom. To be honest if it had been only Dad I would have called Adult Protective Services to deal with him. My goal was to provide support to Mom.

Dd died last year and now I am dealing with a 91 year old mother. I retired early to enjoy my retirement but didn’t realize how much time would be involved dealing with Mom's medical and financial issues.

Even though she is in assisted living I probably spend 3-6 hours a day on Mom stuff. It’s hard to believe how cumbersome dealing with a physically frail person can become. A simple trip to the doctor can consume 3 hours!

Back to the question: I can understand the children not wanting to help - bad childhoods, not wanting to see a parent grow old and infirm, a demanding or ungrateful parent, not wanting to deal with medical/inconvenience issues, unfamiliarity with the medical and insurance needs, navigating finding and selecting a facility, etc.

Dont use the excuse of them sacrificing their lives for us when we were young. She was 27 when I was born, 32 when she started me on housework, 45 when I left home with many healthy active years between then and now. I am 64 and could spend 5-10 years caring for Mom with only my dealing years to look forward to. There really is no comparison.

It can be difficult or impossible to know what the real story is - is parent an abuser, mentally ill, refusing to accept care - keep in mind that parent does not have the right to dictate what kind of care. A situation can look very different on the outside to the insider reality.

To JohnJoe and Country Mouse, by my estimate I am in year 12 of caregiving my elderly mom in some form or other. The last four years have been quite intense. I think children may be more willing to caregive if there is a specified time limit. For many of others, we don't know when the end is in sight. So I am very careful to judge the children involved without having all the details. Every situation is very, very different. Most people want to do the right thing.

In my opinion of course children. They have to find somebody to care for their mother at least.

Definitely children.

Anyonethat will and WANTS to help!

Call me a rebel if you will but I do not believe that children should be responsible for the care of an elderly parent. A few years ago, I was horrified to hear a pregnant young woman say that she was having children "so there would be somebody to take care of me in my old age." What a horribly selfish reason to bring a child into the world.

None of asked to be born - so why should we be "punished" by our elderly parents because they did not plan for their eventual decline and demise? Also, many elderly parents and adult children do not get along and have never been close. Why should anyone want to help somebody they don't even like, let alone a parent who may have abused or neglected them?

Don't know if you have read about the growing phenomenon in Japan of a "lonely death." With so many couples only having one child - or no children - there is nobody to look in on an elderly person who lives alone. So, many are found dead in their apartments.

Perhaps countries need to hire people for the express purpose of looking in on, and providing some assistance, to elderly persons who live alone.

The kids or sibs who are able! 
It may require some from each; at least, as many as can help some.
Some may be unable, physically, mentally, or financially.
Family meetings could help; if local, in person; if long-distance, then there're a number of video-chat venues to conference.
Discuss in advance, & as many times as needed, to reach realistic agreement, even if Mom resists or is obstructive...relatives need to do it to help themselves hold onto sanity & health!
NONE of my half-siblings were willing to group-discuss either of my Mom’s care w/me. That caused loads of problems. Most were “too busy”, “too far”, “too traumatized”, “too disabled”, etc.
Thank goodness, Mom2 was pretty good prioritizing & planning ahead!
--Mom1 had 5 kids.
One never talks w/some siblings; rarely asks of Mom.
Other Son & wife are fairly disabled, unable to help physically or financially; he'd helped some, but, no more.
3 daughters all chronically, repeatedly came to Mom’s rescue (she’s now over 90); she’s managed to burn-out all...2 disabled, w/sick spouses, as well as their own health issues.  One has a special needs adult child & their partner to assist.
The eldest kid had Mom living with her 6 years, before that; it ended traumatically.
The middle one, w/health, finances issues, is currently stuck w/Mom living at her house for the last 7 yrs., geographically too far for any of the others to help. IF/ when this kid’s kids & grandkids can, they help a bit..they balk, but do help some. 
No others can take Mom1 into their homes, & cannot help from a distance.
None have much money..if they spent it helping Mom, they’d need State assistance too.
We all joke, at this rate, there’s a good chance Mom1 will outlive some, or all of us. We’ve been told: no care facility will take her.
--Mom2: .Planned. her life, including to have 3 kids, “so none will get stuck taking lengthy care of a parent, alone”, & to "make sure she only ever had one kid in diapers at a time". She still lives in her split level house, pushing 90, fragile, a bit dotty...but managing, with props, to stay independent. 
IDK...maybe having to climb steps several times a day for over 50 years, has kept her in better shape, longer?   She’s kept active mind & body. Smart!
As an only child, the burden of multiple-elder-care fell on her...heavily.
She had to travel from CA to IL to close out her Mom’s estate, bring her senile Mom back to her house in CA by train[!!], care for her for several years, in a split level house, bathrooms only on middle level, far from family activity areas.
At wit’s end, she finally moved her mom to a care home to get respite, less than a year before her Mom died.  BUT...her hubby was ailing / failing all during; then .his. Mom needed care...they closed out her apartment, moved her over 100 miles by car, w/ belongings, to their guest room. 
Mom2 was effectively running long-term elder care for three parents, mostly alone.  AND dealing, for over 15 years, with a corrupt lawyer & the State Bar Assoc., because that lawyer corrupted another G’ma’s estate.
How’d she manage?  Well, it wasn’t always kosher. 
But no was injured or died, on her watch.  They all had necessities, & some more.
Now, her 3 kids: One's too far away & in frail health, one travels a lot, tho lives about 40 miles away, helps some.
Her middle child lives about 60 miles away, stressful FTjob, high cost of living area, yet, is most on the hook for helping...& she’s a stressed-out nervous wreck much of the time. She & her partner have NO wish to move back in w/Mom2, even though there’s Plenty of room, & it could drastically reduce their cost of living....tho the tradeoff would be commuting hell, at least a few days per week.
People can only participate up to reasonable, realistic limits.
There ARE limits! i.e.: No fully disabled kid should have to fully caregive an ailing parent, much less one that abused them.

Maybe you need to wonder why the children are reluctant.

Is Mothera hoarder? Is she emotionally abusive? Has she rejected their efforts to help?

My mother has (undiagnosed) Obsessive Compulsive Hoarding Disorder, probably secondary to depression. Which she will not acknowledge or seek treatment for, and which causes extreme issues in our relationship. To the extent that I have to set firm boundaries- to protect myself, my sanity, my marriage and my children.

For example, I am willing to help find doctors, fill out Medicare paperwork, make sure she has transportation to doctor visits. But I am not willing (and am not invited) to enter her home. Because protecting her hoard - a pile of trash and decaying junk - is more important to Hoarding Mother than allowing anyone into her home to bring groceries, help with laundry, do repairs or visit.

Maybe I’m wrong, but I read your post as judgmental of the children. I am sure many people who don’t know what goes on behind closed doors would think I’m a terrible person for “not caring” for my Hoarding Mother. In the way I would like to care for her, but in the way she flatly rejects.

Bottom line - it takes two to tango, so if kids are keeping their distance, I would ask you to consider that there may be a very valid reason.

If I understand them correctly, filial responsibility laws are civil law (as opposed to criminal) and apply when a parent or other relative is impoverished. There is no age requirement associated with these laws and most of them really only get applied when it comes to children. And I believe that is true even in the "aggressive pursuit" State of Pennsylvania.

Although children should be at the very least willing to ensure that their mother is safely aging in place, you do not know their reasons for keeping away. And unless you ask them what they know about their mother's situation, you are making assumptions.

Do her children usually visit during November or December? The holidays are approaching and that may be the right time for the family to discuss important matters such as bringing in professional in-home help for your sister.

Have you asked your sister what she wants?

Does your sister have her paperwork in order e.g. durable power of attorney medical and financial, living will, will? In my opinion, you cannot ask someone to be responsible for your affairs without giving them the authority to do so.

While I know many people will think differently but I feel it's the Children Who should Care for their Parents in old age. After all they brought Us into the World and reared and did every thing for Us while making great sacrifices then how can We look away and not be there for them. I Cared for my Mother 24/7 at home for the last three years of Her life and I refused praise from any one stating I owed Mother a huge debt of gratitude for all She had done for me and I felt so Blessed to be able to Care for Mom.

Children!

I am the youngest of six, with my oldest brother having passed away. The 4 others are several years older than me and in a better situation to care for my Parents(Dad passed now.) financially and mostly that they all are retired, so they do not have to work to make a living any longer.
But, for whatever reason they choose to not even be a part of Moms life. When I was a child I knew then that I would be the one to take care of my parents, when the time came. Just a feeling I had.
However, I thought I would be older and not at this age. But, I would have it no other way, I do not believe that my siblings would love and care for Mom as I try to do. But, at times it does seem unfair that it all falls in my lap. But God has mercy and grace He bestows upon me everyday that helps me endure through the challenges.
As one said you have to be all in. Well I am all in, and will be until the end.
Some children I believe just were meant to be the caregivers and others the bystanders. It is just the way it is so it seems.
My Mom has been a wonderful Mom to all her children, so I cannot comprehend why none of them but myself would be willing to be there for her. She has never done anything but love and sacrifice for all her kids. But, again some have it in their hearts to care and some have it in their hearts not to care.
So For me, I am committed to serving my Moms needs and helping her in any way I can, to live the best possible life in Jesus Christ.
Its a choice many will not choose.

As a child you have to make a choice to be 'all in' or not. I have been 'all in' caring for my Mom 10 years now. She would have to be in Nursing home if I did not take care of her at home. I administer medications through her Peg Tube and run tube feedings too. Basically I push her around in transport chair because of Parkinson's.... so thats the deal and It is a lot of hard work, BUT I give her a life and try to keep her safe.

I read many of the answers prior to checking and found that:
1) 30 states have some type of filial responsibility laws.
2) obviously, the amount of responsibility varies in each state.
3) only 1 state actually enforces the law aggressively -- Pennsylvania.

I actually do not have an opinion as to who should take care of aging parents.
I took care of my parents for eight years 24 hours a day and 5 days a week
because I did not want to see either of my parents in an assisted living facility.

What are the ages of the "aging mother's" siblings? No doubt they themselves are elders, UNLESS of course there was a large spread of time where the grandmother birthed her children, which does happen. No one adult child is "responsible" for the care of their aging mother, but it generally comes down to an adult daughter. I've seen it time and time again. The elder has waited too long to make any decision, possibly lives out of state from the adult daughter and ABSOLUTELY thinks they can go it alone (ALL TRUE IN MY CASE AT LEAST).
So responsibility, quite often, turns into ethical/morality mindsets.

wow. Good question. My husband and I have raised our children, taken care of our parents and have one parent left in our home who is on hospice. We have been married 34 years and we still have not taken a honeymoon. If my husbands sister cannot get her own grown children to help her I think I will literally keel over if she becomes our responsibility. Her 2 children are absolutely able but very selfish.

determine what the problems - health' mental, etc really are. sit down with children and siblings to talk about the problems and discuss ways for everyone to help provide some assistance. determine financial resources that are available - if any - perhaps to hire some assistance during day and/or evening. look to local dept/ of aging for some help.

This is a tough one. I'm not sure if there is an actual "law", but I found one of the other posts interesting in that they had spoken to an attorney, who stated that their state law said it's the responsibility of the children.
I've found many of these posts interesting- particularly those who said it's basically the responsibility of whomever would actually DO it. That turns out to be how it usually works, fair or not, law or no law. I am caring for 81 y.o. Dad with Alzheimer's- my only sister, who lives in-state about an hour away, literally abandoned me (us). She told me flat out "I can't help you, sorry. I have 2 children". Mind you, they are BOTH away at college, so I'm not sure how much minute-to-minute help these young women need, but there it is. I also had 2 bachelor uncles who were cared for by both their sister (my aunt) and myself.

I generally don't post 2 discussion boards, but after reading some of the replies 2 this question thought it might be worthwhile 2 add w/ I learned from my personal experience as a primary CG 4 10 years.

1. My dad did not make any provisions 4 the end of his life. In the end, it was up 2 us 3 siblings 2 decide his fate. My brother agreed to step in and take on this responsibility, which he did, sort of. By that I mean, he accepted the responsibility, but did a pretty poor job of it. Without going into all the gory details, my dad eventually ended up in the hospital, where he stayed for 9 months b4 passing away alone in an empty hospital bed. Very sad, very tragic, but that's how the story of his life ended.

2. On the other hand, my mother, who was divorced from my father, did make provisions for the end of her life where she appointed me as the primary person responsible for all of her affairs. She did discuss this w/ me & I more than willingly accepted the responsibility. She also gave me a way out, by appointing my brother as her secondary person, in the event I should need to, or want to step down, which my brother also agreed to, but in the end REALLY did not want to do.

Fast forward 20 years, my mom is now in her late 70's and showing signs of alzheimer's. She sells her home; moves into a townhouse that is 15 minutes from me and lives there for 2 years. By now, I am married w/ 2 small children, 3 and 1. As the disease progresses, the daily, sometimes bi-daily, trips to ck on her are taking a toll. Each visit I find more and more disturbing evidence of the disease progressing. Eventually, we build an oversize garage on our property w/ a 700 sq. ft. apt above it. She lives there for 4 years. My children are now 9 and 6. My mother's disease has progressed to the worse stage, middle-middle to early-late. She now exhibits the "craziness" of the disease. My 6-year old is terrified of her and I am completely stressed, I ask my doctor for sedatives to help keep me from being crazy. Eventually, she's moved into a memory care unit where she stays for 3 years until her money runs out & we're forced to move her into OUR home. Fortunately, she is now on appropriate meds and her behaviors under control. She is still able to attend adult day care, but within a year, has several falls & eventually becomes bedridden; hospice and outside help are now required. She lives another 2 years (praise God hospice never pulled out). By this time, it's costing $3500.00 a month to care for our home. Her SS ck is $1700; we foot the remainder. When this became too burdensome, I asked my siblings to contribute. Neither of them do. I then contact an attorney to ask if the state would take responsibility of my mother and am told; absolutely not. She cited our state law, which clearly states it is the responsibility of the children to care for their parents and offers to write a letter to my siblings, 2 which I declined. I then share this information w/ my siblings & in the end my brother did contribute $400 a month until my mother's death.

What I learned: It doesn't matter w/ anyone else does. It matters w/ I do. I know I did everything I could to give my mom the opportunity 2 die at home w/ dignity, surrounded by warmth & love. The Bible tells us 2 honor our parents & that's w/ I did. We all have our demons & we're all doing the best that we can. I hold no animosity toward my siblings. It's very difficult 2 look death in the face & realize your next. The Bible tells us that there is no greater love than one who is willing 2 lay down his life 4 another. I was taught these words as a child, but did not fully understand them until I was called 2 live them. In answering that call, I drew closer 2 God & He transformed me into a much better person than I was before. Remember 2 turn your eyes upon Jesus and look into his glorious face & the things of this world w/ grow strangely dim.

Don't be bitter. I hope this helps.

Everyone can't expect one person (usually a child) to do it. But that is usually what happens (often a daughter).

Most have reasons why they can't/won't help. Everyone has a reason, though, including the person everyone expects to take on the job. NO ONE should be EXPECTED to take on the job. Everyone has a right to refuse.

Society doesn't agree, though. A child (usually a daughter) is expected to be the martyr at the altar of eldercare.

In a perfect world, all three children will be responsible and will work together with the parent to make sure that he/she is safe and healthy. But we all know that doesn't happen as often as any of us would like.
My father-in-law solved a problem of three siblings (my mother-in-law one of them) who needed to care for their father in a diplomatic manner since only one of the siblings (his wife) was carrying the ball and the other two were making excuses and making themselves scarce. He sat them all down and asked them what the three of them would like to see happen. They had an open discussion and settled on a solution that satisfied all of the parties and met the growing needs of their beloved father.
Some adjustments and flexibility among all of them needed to occur, which over time it did. I admired all of them for working together, including their father.
In my case, there isn't anyone other than myself to help my aging family members, the last being my mother. My three aunts (who had no one other than me; one with an uninterested son) all cooperated and trusted me to make good judgements for their needs.
Not so with my mother, 91, who wants control of everything even if it means making bad judgements or making unreasonable requests of me. With her I have to enforce strict boundaries. She lives in an apartment and gets weekly help from me and my good friend. When she does try to make hasty, bad, or unreasonable decisions or requests, I tell her I won't be a part of it and why, and she's on her own if she doesn't discuss it to come up with other options that are safe and healthy. Since she won't discuss in home care or other options, that will have to wait until it happens (even her doctor said, "this won't end well.")
So, what I'm getting around to is that you don't go into care giving without thinking and just your heart guiding you. You have to use BOTH if you want this commitment to work for you and your loved one(s). We all have different levels of what we can do and we can't lose ourselves in care giving or we'll become one of the statistics of care givers who burn out and possibly wind up ill or worse yourself (70% of care givers over 70 years old die first). Educate yourselves through reading and professionals (doctors, nurses, senior social workers, etc.) Get a strong support system in place. Then assess your situation and develop a plan that suits you both and will change over time that also works. Sure, you'll get some push back and complaining, but you'll not have regrets for your loved one or yourself.
I wish you all the best. Each situation is different, but some or most of the considerations are the same. Take care of yourselves, too!

I’m thinking about this question and at this stage of my life finding it a bit amusing . Sorry I know it’s not really funny at all . I’m 71 taking care of my 75 year old husband with Alzheimers . If my somewhat healthy 76 year old sister needed help at a certain point I’d have to be
“ superoldwoman “ to take her on too . I’d love to be able to do it but can’t even have her stay over on a visit anymore as I can’t give a well sibling the attention I used to be able to . She was always a devoted and caring mother so I hope her kids will step up but I sure can’t .

Her children

After tending my father with little help from my siblings, I decided that their children would definitely be contacted first.

Ultimately, someone will have to come forward - only time will reveal who it will be.

Just don’t put up with the notion that it’s always a daughter’s duty! It should never be the responsibility of one person, whatever the relationship. All available should do what they can. And, if possible,pool resources & HIRE HELP. And let the aging parent know two choices are available: accept outside some outside help or do without.
Been There

The ones that are most willing to do it, whoever. My only sibling is 8 1/2 years younger than I am, but we have had our differences in the past. Also she has a husband still to take care of. Her daughter, my niece, is closer to me than to her mother, and my niece is closer to me than my own two children--however, she lives 400 miles away so she is out as a caregiver. My two kids don't get along with each other--my daughter complains that her brother isn't helping at all with their father (my ex) who has dementia and is starting his third year in a nursing home. Yet she gets furious when I suggest putting her brother as my financial POA (as a nurse she will still be health care POA). Since I am 81 (ex is 84) I worry that she can't do both. Luckily I am in pretty good physical health and don't need a caregiver yet. Family dynamics are so bad!

Waxing philosophical this rainy Virginia morning but....wow. To think that at some point this mother and sister was likely grateful for both her siblings and her children, likely made sacrifices for them...now she’s a burden. If nothing else this week I’ll be sure to get my will completed as well as my advance directive....
That said, this comes down to a good legal Question. Lawyers?

It’s more typical that a person’s children provide care or make arrangements for caregivers. I usually see reluctance if there is/was a strained relationship, when children live far away and/or have limited time or when children are uncomfortable and having a difficult time accepting what is happening, or may be in denial.

I recommend having a frank conversation with them, or at least one of them, to find out what the issue is.

That is pretty disgusting unless there is a situation that has alienated them greatly. The siblings are no doubt aging too. There can't be a prediction of them being around and possibly also fit. I realize there are very difficult parents out there but the numerous stories of very negligent offspring on these posts is not right. Everyone can get old unless they don't make it to that stage. Do any of them think they might like some help near the end