We are dysfunctional family. My mother is 88yrs old. Our father was an alcoholic and abusive. She did leave him. She is an only child. She had 6 children with him. The oldest sibling died and the husband has died. The 5th oldest sibling is married but prefers to focus on immediate household only. The 4th sibling is a widower twice and lives out of state. The 3rd sibling is a widow with kids. The 2nd sibling is incarcerated. The 6th sibling is the caregiver now. I guess I could have said no but #5 & #3 sibling has done their time caring for Mom. She requires more care now. I do not think I am better than anyone. I do want to live my life.
The pandemic, Mom moved in at this time. Dealing with Mom's negativity complaining is insane. I live out of state alone with Mom. Family is either 6 or 8 hours away. The medical facilities here are dealing with the pandemic. It is not the best time for Mom to go into a facility. I did try various in home care. It is difficult to trust people entering my resident to assist my mother. The constant training of aides is mentally draining.
Mom has a 6th grade education. Her thinking is a woman, has a man, she cooks, clean and raises children. Not my thinking. I enjoy learning, travelling and spending time with people. I also love my quiet time. I have no spouse, no children, no pets and I was extremely happy.
I made the mistake of giving A+ care to my Mom. I greeted her with conversation. Assisted her in having her own money. And any care needed by her, I was spot on. She asked once, "why do you care so much?" I said, "You gave me life, Mom, silly lady". She does not have a lot of money. I handle all her finances, I am her activity coordinator, tv remote, cook, server, maid, driver, nurse, nurses aide and answering service. I keep family & friends in contact.
Mom uses a walker, bathes & dresses herself. She has burned kitchens & flooded bathrooms in the past. She has fallen many times in the past. I prepare 3 meals a day and make certain she gets her medication and gets her salon time. Mom watches, "Little House on the Prairie, Andy Griffith Show, Dr. Quinn, an Touched by an Angel". The volume is loud. I have purchased headphones and hearing aides that I have to put in or on her. She broke the headphones. She does not seem happy without loudness to sleep, eat all the fried foods & drink no sugar Coke & Pepsi.
She does attend a daycare, a van picks her up. On occasion her hairdresser has her a full day sometimes but not over night. I am not a writer. This writing is all over the place for deciphering.
Even though your mom did give you life, doesn't mean that you owe her yours. Nor is she your responsibility, or your siblings.
Perhaps it might be in the best interest of all involved that mom move into an assisted living facility, where she will be around people her own age and have everything she needs under one roof. And even though most facilities are dealing with Covid to a certain degree, most if not all are still allowing family visits, and returning to some kind of normalcy.
And of course if mom doesn't have enough money for such care then you'll have to apply for Medicaid for her, as it's also not your responsibility to spend any of your money on her.
You are to the point now that you must not only do what is best for your mom, but also what is best for you, as you deserve to have a life too. Wishing you the best.
If your mom is fully vaccinated, going into a reputable facility should be ok for her. My 85-yr old MIL survived covid in a LTC facility in May 2020. Although it was harrowing to know she was so sick and we couldn't be with her, things are much different now. Today essential caregivers are allowed in no matter what. She's fully recovered and doing better than ever. You are right to be concerned about covid, but probably not *as* concerned as when it first hit and no one knew how to deal with it.
If you have your mom tested for dementia you'll at least know what you're dealing with and that she's *not* faking it sometimes. Dementia is a weird disease and is not the same in every person. I learned a lot from Teepa Snow, a dementia expert, who has many informative and useful videos on YouTube. We do need to learn about dementia since it is progressive and our LOs become less and less able to express what's going on inside them. It's hard -- and we all need help figuring out how best to deal with it.
Please make yourself a priority so that you don't burn out. Start researching options so that you're not making a decision in a crisis (which happens A LOT to people in your situation). May you gain peace in your heart as you move through this with your mom and family.
whenever I feel overwhelmed with my life, and how things are, my husband calmly reminds me that life is always in motion. This is how life is now, but not for forever. The trick is to figure out a way that will tide you over until you can reclaim your life and independence.
Try to focus on small things that might improve your overall comfort, and don’t worry so much about what she eats at her age.
Deep breath, big smile, new day.