Ok, first, I will admit that I have been marveling in my much needed r and r for the past twelve days; although it has been bittersweet. Mom has been in the facility almost two weeks and I haven't gone to visit her. I have talked to her a couple times on the phone. I know I have to go see her but after I get myself ready and head up there, I am overcome with anxiety and a "fear" of going. I feel like a major jerk and I have tried but I always turn around and come home. Any input on this?
Give yourself some grace. Uncertainty almost always brings on some anxiety. And anyone who has had the grind of visiting someone in a care facility has had thoughts of “I don’t know how much longer I can keep this up,” “I want to escape to a desert island,” or resenting friends who haven’t got this on their plate (yet).
Resume your visits...but don’t stay as long. Or maybe decrease visits to once every other day if you feel as if you can test the facility caregivers. It was one of the mist wearing things I did. But making time for me was okay...so you make time for you.
Here are some ideas that may help you to get over the hump of the first visit.
1. Plan to bring someone with you, either a partner or family member, or a trusted friend. Sometimes it helps to have a buffer.
2. Bring a prop(s). Could be a book or magazine, newspaper, family photos, or whatever. Be prepared with something that you can look at or discuss together. Can you read to her? Listen to music? Watch a Nat Geo documentary?
3. Ditto...bring a treat to eat. (I'm of the mind that at this age, my elderly parents should eat whatever she wants and enjoy it. My mom likes Danish, French Fries, chocolate. I'm sure yours has favorites. Also you can bring something for the nursing staff. It can't hurt!
4. Take her for a walk or wheelchair ride (depending on mobility), and go look at the grounds of the place, or the hallway, or the common room....just get her out and about. If she can get into your car then you can go on a little drive somewhere...to get a treat. Milkshake. Ice Cream.
5. Keep the visit short and sweet. You can do one hour, right?
These are some options that have worked for me. When you get over the hump of the first visit it's going to be easier from then on. Wishing you good luck!
The Average Stay in Assisted Living. According to a 2009 report jointly prepared by a group of advocacy and research organizations within the assisted living industry, the average length of stay for residents in an assisted living facility is about 28 months. (The median is 21 months.)Jun 28, 2018
That way if she is in a common room you can sit and "enjoy" a lighter conversation while she is eating. It is also less of a "medical" "nursing home" feeling.
After lunch or dinner you can go back to her room in you wish or just say you have to talk to the nurse and then you can be on your way. And do talk to the nurse, the aids they will know how she is doing, how she is adjusting. Also I think..and this may be just my imagination...that if the staff knows you will be visiting often they will care for Mom "better" because they know you will notice if she has been tended to or not. And do bring in a treat for them once in a while, not as a "bribe" but as a thank you for caring.
Keep your visits short and sweet so your Mom does not get over tired, agitated or excited. She can and will pick up on your feelings of fear, anxiety so the short visits will help since in your mind you will be there only 15 minutes, or 20 minutes however long you decided to make that first visit, second visit.
Mother CHOSE her rehab center, I told her it was a dump and begged her to find an alternate before her hip surgery--but she still went ahead. My first visit there, she tries to chuck a bedpan at my head. (it was plastic and she can't throw--it actually made me laugh pretty hard, so....)
It may likely be kind of depressing and if she blames you for being there--well, it is what it is.
Keep your visit light and short enough that there's not time to hear how awful it is. Keep your eyes and ears open--you do need to still advocate for mom, so be aware of the things other posters have commented on.
It's a "new norm" and I wouldn't take any complaints/grousing from her with a lot of concern.
This is new to you, too. She's probably mad at you and you're not in the mood to hear criticism, are you?
I know with my mom I am simply a means to an end. She is happy to see me when I visit, but it's always because I am doing something for her, that wouldn't get done otherwise.
Deep breaths...short visits. Good Luck!
Then go see her. For the 1st 6 months, they will ask to come home or blame you for "incarcerating" them. Try your best for an upbeat visit. If it goes south quickly, say gee, look at the time, good chatting with you, get up and walk out. Then breath deeply, go to the nearest gas station, treat yourself to a soda, Snickers and lotto ticket and go on about your day.
All of us on this site have spent entirely too much time wallowing in guilt. Maybe it's a generational thing. My parents did not lift a finger to help their parents, but expected me to be their indentured servant. You are not alone and I think your "strike" was brilliant!
If she asks why u haven't visited, tell her you have been catching up with doing things for yourself.
Don”t over think it. Just do it as the ad says.
Recognize that you have a problem with caring for your mom that needs attention.
Does she use a walker? Maybe it’s time. Is she in the SNF for rehab? Is she coming back home? I’m very glad you are getting a break but you need a plan for next steps.
I agree, if she is able she needs to go to the bathroom. Perhaps go with her. Have her start wearing pull-ups in case she doesn’t make it.
I’m sorry it’s so hard for you. Therapy? Anxiety meds? Try something to get yourself together. It’s not your fault she fell but you do have a responsibility to address the situation that’s driving you around the bend. If she is coming back home, therapy can come and evaluate the situation for her mobility issues so you know if you are asking too much of her. Let us know how it’s going.
Welp, you soldier on. You have to detach somewhat in order to do for and by your LO. We were grounded by nursing staff because our presence caused agitation. So we have missed two weeks. Well, three because of weather.
I am so sorry. If your LO is awful, and no redirection helps, say you will come back when feeling better.