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I am taking care of my mother as a live in care taker. Lately I seem to be short tempered with my mom and everyone else. My mom just recently stopped being ambulatory and I am now having to help her to her pity chair and practically do everything for her. I just want her to get better and seem to lose my patience with her easily. I don't want to be like this I feel so guilty. I know it is not her fault but I can't seem to control my anger. I have never hit my mom and never would the problem is I think I am mad at her for leaving me. I am an only child and her siblings have not offered to help with her I feel trapped and all alone I just don't know what to do. Can someone help me? Any advise will be appreciated.

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How old is Mom and how long do you think you can survive this? How many more years could this go on? Is it time to consider assited living or nursing care? How about in home aids and RN service?

I know how you feel. I live 600 miles from my folks and I go down regularly and stay with them, clean, fix, doc appt, food, cook, argue, beg, lie steal, anything to get them to deal with obvious problems like getting the filthy carpet cleaned.

By the time I get home I'm a serious, mean and nasty basket case. It takes me a week to get back to normal. I cannot imagine living with them. I applaud people who can do this but I would end up in a mental institution.
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I think the answer to your question is the first sentence of your story. Your responsibilities are massive for one person. Round the clock care for a non-ambulatory patient by one person is rather ambitious. I'd be shocked if you weren't angry and overwhelmed. You obviously need help. Why not seek it?

I would at least consider the options, whether it's getting help to come into the home on a daily basis or placing mom at at place they have shifts of people who can attend to her needs. You can always visit and then you would have more energy and be refreshed enough to offer her lots of emotional support.

What does your mom say about it? Will she agree to go? I couldn't tell from your post if she has dementia or not.

You can get a lot of support and information from sites like this. If you read the various threads and articles, you'll see how solo care for a person who needs all things done for them is a huge responsibility and isn't really feasible for one person. You can read personal stories of how others have dealt with it. I hope you get some help.
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Your anger is understandable. You didn't ask or want to be in this position that is taking over your life. My anger was worst the first year that I moved in with my mother and father. It wasn't just them that I resented, but the events that had led up to me being in such a position. I was mad at my ex and his family and my family. I was mad at the world.

Something that was very bad about the anger was that it made my blood pressure higher and made it hard to fall asleep at night. That was when the anger was at its worst. I knew I had to make myself quit being so angry. Anger is an emotion that you can control through self soothing. Self soothing is mainly through thoughts that calm you and the way you look at things. Exercise and focusing on your physical well being help a lot, too.

I do get the feeling that having help come in would be the biggest aid to you. Could your mother afford to hire someone at least part time to help? Could you hire a housekeeper to take care of that worry? Or a caregiver companion during the day so you can get away for a while? It may be even better to consider assisted living or a nursing home, since extensive home care cost can be quite high.

I know what you're going through. You do have to get your anger down right away, because it is like a cancer that will eat you up inside. Deep breathing, self soothing, and exercise can help right away while you're working through this. It may help to get a blood pressure cuff so you can see what the anger is doing to you and see what helps bring it (and your pulse rate) down.Then work on the problems that are creating the anger by looking for help with your mother. Neither of you asked for this circumstance, but it is here. You need to find a way to handle it for the long term that doesn't take so much out of you.

It can also help to talk about it on the group. We know what you're going through. Caregiving has such a big effect on our mental and physical health. We have to find ways to take care of ourselves while caring for someone else.
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For me, periods of anger are the norm in dealing with Mom and her pity for herself and her failure to help herself at all. I have spent lots and lots of time contemplating anger...wondering whether parts of it are justified, whether I can just observe it and let it go, frustrated with myself that I feel angry and still wish things would change, and I feel flustered with this part of me on a regular basis.
My only effective cure has been in the area of 'walk away somehow' and 'get a break' and 'put up more walls between my life and hers'. The serenity prayer of accepting what I cannot change only goes so far in this area of emotion. I just can't allow her life to suck away all of mine, that would just be wrong. I sometimes tell her calmly that 'I am angry at you because you expect me to solve everything for you and you never come up with any ideas of your own' or 'I am angry at you because you don't even try you just complain constantly and expect everyone else to fix things' or 'I am angry at you because you are never grateful for anything you are only demanding and complaining all the time and thats hard on me'. But actually this never really helps much. Its what I allow myself because zero is not the right answer, meaning sometimes I just have to say calmly I can't do this anymore, just always listen to nothing but complaining. But, I do stop when I know "little Kathy" is feeling like flying off and yelling at her and telling her off to make myself feel better. When I get there, its a "walk away".
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Have you had a good evaluation of her condition and prognosis? It's hard to realize that there is a good chance that she will never get better and doesn't cooperate because she can't and hates the fact that she doesn't have control over things.
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That's a major sign that you are burning out... been there, done that.
You need to find a way to carve out some time for yourself, and not just an hour spent running to the store. Figure out a way to get a block of time, at least 3 hours, once a week to go do something just for you, go for walks, see a movie, go to the spa, chill out with friends or whatever you enjoy.
Try to find some time for your needs every day as well, even if it is just a half hour of peace while you have your morning coffee. Don't spend the time thinking and planning for mom!
And keep coming here to vent and get advice, it is wonderful to have others who get where you are coming from!
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CWillie is right. You need time to recharge your own batteries. However, if you are performing 24/7 care for a nonambulatory person, you probably are dog tired and only want to get some sleep.

Do you know what your mom is capable of doing? What is her diagnosis? What are her disabilities? You say she can no longer walk. Is she mentally disabled too? If you can get answers about her diagnosis and prognosis, perhaps it would eliminate the frustration you have about her condition.
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I am wondering whether there is a basis for thinking she could get better?
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Hi all thanks for all of your advice I was at the end of my rope when I posted earlier, but your words of wisdom have helped. I am only hoping mom can get better the doctors say she can. I'm not sure anymore. I think I have figured out past of my anger is because she is leaving me and there is nothing I can do about it. I know that sounds selfish and it may be, but it is hard and I'm not good with goodbyes. I do have someone come and help me with her. Still I can not leave because mom gets mad at me if I am gone long. She doesn't even want me to go to the store. I don't know I guess I just needed to vent earlier. Thanks for listening.
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Dani, having someone come in to help is wonderful, but it is not giving you the time you need to recharge your batteries. Of course you are angry at the situation, not your mother (well, maybe a little bit for abandoning you, right?). We understand. But understanding where the anger comes from won't necessarily give you the strength to keep it at bay. Your mom is going to be unhappy if you leave, but YOU are running on empty because you stay. Go, please, and renew yourself. This is a marathon, not a sprint, and you will need to learn to set some boundaries whether your mother recovers or not.
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Thanks cwillie I do need a mini vacation. I am going to try and plan a weekend away. I just hope nothing happened when I'm gone I don't know if I can handle that.
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If you are away for short periods MORE often, is she capable of learning that it's OK for you to be away because you do come back. (Like a little kid.) Is she afraid that you'll walk away and never come back?
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Maybe Partsmom I haven't thought about that.
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Would like to add that you should pop in on her when she's not expecting it, so either she will appreciate that you are there, or get tired of your company...
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Dani, how's it going today? Were you able to make even small changes? Please let us know if anything worked for you. The anger, then guilt can become a vicious cycle. First step, on the way to boiling anger is exit that front door immediately, take a two minute walk. No need to announce your exit, because both you and your mother need to be in training for short absences, then, longer.
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Mom went to rehab so we both get a break for a while. Just what I needed at the right time. I have calmed down a lot.
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Dani, I would monitor her progress in rehab. Depending on how much she progresses, I would consider if her return home under your care only is feasible. If not, then I would weigh my options to see where she needs to be placed, depending on her mobility abilities. You already know what being her sole caretaker is like under her present disability. If there is not significant progress, then I would not participate with a plan the facility may have for her return home. Let them know things didn't work out and it's not an option. They will provide you with other options.
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As someone who has often let my own well run dry, I totally get it. You're angry cause you're sad, scared, and exhausted. Take every respite you can without guilt - as long as Mom is being well cared for while you're out, you are doing your job. Her anger will probably lessen when she realizes that you are going to continue taking little breaks here and there and if it doesn't you might see if you can make a light joke to get her mind off it. And see if there is a palliative or respite facility in your area where you might find some resources for Mom and someone to talk to for yourself. Good luck :)
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I tried hospice respite care before and they almost killed her. Don't get me wrong hospice is great when the time is right but it wasn't mom's time yet and they pumped her full of the deadly cocktail. One day I will be thankful for that cocktail just not yet. So you can see I am weary of respite facilities. I told mom she had to get mobile before she can come home that she was killing me before. She is actually being somewhat understanding about the situation so there's something to be thankful for. What's is funny is i did need a rest but I miss her being here too.
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Dani, the course you have described is often talked about on here, as you go through this, keep reading other's questions and answers. There is hope, mothers have improved after hospitalization. Keep taking your breaks, short walks, talk to us.
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Dani, I sympathize with your problem. I think a contributing factor to your feelings of anger is frustration because you cannot do what you would like to do and also your inability to change your mother's condition. Certainly you need help and support. You also need to accept that the situation may not change but you can change your view of the situation. Your mother may not be able to control her behaviour, so you must try to detach yourself from some of the things that happen. For instance, if she says unkind words to you, she probabloy does not mean it, because she may also be frustrated at her own limitations. Also, we all should also be aware that some time in the future, we may ourselves be in that position. Think back to the times when she cared for you and did things to help you as a child. It may help you deal with the present resentment. I hope you can find some time for yourself and peace of mind. Hugs.
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You haven't said whether you are single, in a relationship, or married but being with people your own age is important for your mental health. Anger is a symptom and a serious one at that. Just because you cannot "see" anger does not mean it's not bathing your brain in hormones that can increase your risk of having a heart attack. There are posts on this forum that can help you learn to accept the fact that everyone is not well-suited to being a primary caregiver. You have too much on your plate. If you don't take care of yourself first you will be of no help to your mom. There's so much help and information available on this forum. It was a godsend for me when I first started going through this with my inlaws. I wish you lots of luck and strength.
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Kid, that's what stress and depression do to us humans. Your short temper proves you've got your humanity on. Can you take a moment to talk with your doctor?
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Hoping by now you are continuing to get help with your Mom and finding a way to get at least a little time to yourself here and there. I agree with Jessie in that my anger seemed to be the worst right when this all began...

My Mama has been totally bedfast for almost two years now and I have been alone. Prior to that I took care of her while she mostly stayed in her lift chair all day...but at least then she could stand....when she first became bedfast, I went through the initial process of knowing I was going to lose her at any moment, because how could someone be this totally bedfast for very long..Additionally, she survives solely on ensure type drinks...but now two years later, here we are and here we continue...I still get angry now and then...and it is ALWAYS when I am just worn out emotionally and/or physically...so I think finding a way to find some time for YOU here and there, and maintaining a sense of self..as hard as it is right now...but it's critical to being able to get rid of the anger and find a way to continue...

I hope your Mom continues to improve...if she does not, perhaps you could check into home health...which in our state is part of their Medicare coverage...I don't know the specifics of her medical condition so don't know whether she might qualify for hospice...but again, hoping things are continuing to improve for you...and I have found amazing support by being on this site...I certainly don't feel alone anymore....

Take care...
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I think I know why we're mad a lot. Today I looked outside to see a neighbor mowing his lawn. They live in a rental house. My mother mentioned it, so I told her it was the neighbor. She said the owner of the house hires people to cut the grass. I said it was the renter who was cutting it. She told me no, it wasn't, that the owner hires it out. And here I was looking at our neighbor cutting and having looked at other renters cutting the lawn for six years.

I told her please not to tell me that I was wrong when I was looking right at the neighbor. Sheesh! What am I supposed to do? Start doubting my own reality because prefers I believe what isn't true? Gets tiring. We're told to just let things slide and to go along with it. But after 6 years, that gets mighty old. If it turns into 16 years, should we still purposely lose every conversation? There has to be some cut-off point. I feel so bad if I try to argue my side, so I usually don't. But I feel so mad when my side is always wrong, even when it isn't. Reminds me of playing a game with children, where you let them win to make them feel good.
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Read the book by Susan McCurry- "When a family member has dementia - steps to becoming a resilient caregiver". Great practical advise about taking care of ourselves while taking care of them. I get angry too at times and remind myself it's not her fault, it's the disease. One suggestion I'm implementing is taking a 10 minute break everyday & do something for me. Take a walk, buy an ice cream cone, or even just stop to smell the flowers.
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JessieBelle, I totally relate to the attitude if not the reason for it. When I am tired, which is all the time, things that usually bother me, bother me more... and being WRONG bothers me...in my case when I speak to J about the way she speaks to me, well, uh, that is not true. And I want to scream, yes it is, or why would I be standing here having this conversation with you.... not like I don't have a million things to do !!!!
I have decided that if I want my reality to be constantly in question, then I will do some serious mind altering drugs..... then I won't care if she argues or not... lol..

Of course that was a joke, sort of... lol..
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I talked with my mother this afternoon about needing to get someone to come in or for her to go somewhere so I could go on vacation for a week or two. She said that she would be fine by herself if I just wrote down what pills to take. She said no to having someone come in or for her to go anywhere. I do need to get away to have some time to myself and to refresh. The big question is how to get respite when someone doesn't acknowledge that they can't stay by themselves. I know I can't leave her to her own devices. It might be okay, but it wouldn't be very responsible of me.
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Ok so my mom was in assisted living facility for rehab and fell and Brooke her hip. She said she pushed call button and when no one came she tried to get on her potty chair by herself and fell she laid on the floor for another 20 minutes before someone answered the call button for a total of 30+ minute responded time. I am so mad I don't know what to do. Mom had been complaining that they would put her on the potty chair and leave her there for 15 or 20 minutes before they would help her back in bed. I had just told the nurse that she was a fall risk and to not leave her or she would try it on her own and now she is in hospital just out of surgery because of poor care what should I do? Talk about feeling guilty and selfish for needing a break. I thought i was leaving her in capable hands but no one will take care of her like I will and now she is in pain andi feel terrible.
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dani, what terrible reinforcement for doing what you needed to do. What you did was the right thing. What happened to her was where it went wrong. These type of caregiver helpers make our job more difficult. I hope you can find a better facility so you can take breaks.
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