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When my kids always ask me "what will I do when you die?" Here is what I say and this goes to you too.
I taught you everything I know, you know what I'd say and do. When you don't know what to do, and need me, just think, and you will know what I would say.
You will take what you have learned. You will take the satisfaction that he lived a full life You will take the the lessons he has taught you all throughout his life You will take the joy that caring for him has given you...as well as the heart ache, the aggravation and frustration and you will move on. You will pass on what you have learned. Whenever you talk to someone or see someone in the store that is dealing with the same frustration you dealt with you can offer a kind word, maybe offer a suggestion that worked for you.
It is trite to say.."he is in a better place".."he is at peace"..."he is not suffering anymore"..From experience my husband was in a better place (he was at home)..he was at peace (he had the best care, no frustration)..he did not suffer (he was in no pain) It would have been selfish of me to want him to remain the way he was. He was no longer the vibrant person I met 35 years ago. Even if they came out with a cure for dementia before he died I would not have wanted the cure...unless the damage to his brain could be reversed. So know that you did the best you could and do what he would want you to do and lead a good fulfilling life. And remember to do all the things that you want to do while you can.
Deb, I see that you have been carrying for your Dad since 2012, so your life has been consumed with his care.
Do you have any siblings, children, cousins, aunts/uncles? If family is too far away, then have your primary doctor recommend a talk therapist. I found one who is close to my age who had also taken care of an aging parent, so when she says "I know what you are going through", she really does :)
My Dad, who was my rock, who had a great sense of humor even up to the day before he passed [which was sudden] I miss that so much.... even though I am very independent and working. It's only been 3 months.
Maybe to fill your time, in your Dad's honor, do some volunteer work. Hospitals are always looking for volunteers, if you don't mind being in hospitals [some people don't, that's ok].... or volunteer somewhere where you have a keen interest. It is such a feel good thing.
You will do fine, just give it time. Maybe look for a support group where you can give advice on what worked for you when you were caring for Dad. Kinda like this forum.
I think everyone is different, My father died suddenly, but he was in extreme pain. He even told us he wished he would die. No, we did not want him to go, but we knew he would not suffer any longer. On the other hand, when my mother died, that was hard, but she had taught us how to take care of ourselves. Dying is just a part of life, that is very hard for some people to accept. The day I (literally) carried my mother to my sister SUV and we took her to the hospital, I told my sister, "she will never come home." She was skin and bones. Those were the hardest days, dying was much easier because we knew she wasn't suffering. The 5 days she laid in the hospice were the most horrifying day of our lives. Of course, I cried, but I got over it quickly. I am not a hard man, in fact, I am pretty soft hearted. I am a realist, I know we will all die, that is a fact. Remember the good times. We just went through this with my wife's father, he was 93, suffering from blindness, deaf, and could hardly walk. He to was in pain. He was ready to go. We must accept their wishes, The hardest deaths are the young people who die way before their time. I never want to outlive a daughter or grandchildren. A quote from a famous person once said: "When we die we do not know we have died, the pain is only felt by others"
Debstl, When my dad first went on hospice, I too became very scared. Dad's still here, but as most of us know, each moment with Alzheimer's is unknown territory, you don't know what you will have one minute to the next. I still go through waves of anxiety when I start thinking about what will happen when he's gone on. In talking with the hospice counselor, I learned what I was experiencing was called anticipatory grief. I did a bunch of research on this which helped me understand what was going on in me and that it was "normal." I pray a lot and I call and meet with the hospice counselor as I need to. Your dad's near the end of this life, do you have or can you get hospice care? They have been invaluable for him and me both.
Hi I know what feels my father past away 9 years ago, I cared for him. I have done what I can, physically and financially, if he see your face every day then he is happy, except the inevitable things we cannot change is I GOD hands. Your new commitments To yourself start after your father's Passing on. We all have to face it. Support him till the end. GOD will put Peace in your heart that day when he leaves you. That happen to me. All the best Roda South Africa
I cared for our motherbfor 9 years. Take time for yourself. Volunteer or take a long deserved vacation. Live one day at a time. Its hard but with prayer and faith god will guide you.
Do you have a dog? Sometimes having one really helps bc you know you're needed and the dog forces you to engage in life and even though it's not a cure all, it does let you have your mind on something else for part of the day. He has to eat, be walked, etc. good luck and sorry for your pain
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
Carol
https://www.agingcare.com/articles/after-caregiving-is-stress-the-new-normal-163252.htm
and this goes to you too.
I taught you everything I know, you know what I'd say and do. When you don't know what to do, and need me, just think, and you will know what I would say.
You will take the satisfaction that he lived a full life
You will take the the lessons he has taught you all throughout his life
You will take the joy that caring for him has given you...as well as the heart ache, the aggravation and frustration and you will move on.
You will pass on what you have learned. Whenever you talk to someone or see someone in the store that is dealing with the same frustration you dealt with you can offer a kind word, maybe offer a suggestion that worked for you.
It is trite to say.."he is in a better place".."he is at peace"..."he is not suffering anymore"..From experience my husband was in a better place (he was at home)..he was at peace (he had the best care, no frustration)..he did not suffer (he was in no pain)
It would have been selfish of me to want him to remain the way he was. He was no longer the vibrant person I met 35 years ago. Even if they came out with a cure for dementia before he died I would not have wanted the cure...unless the damage to his brain could be reversed.
So know that you did the best you could and do what he would want you to do and lead a good fulfilling life. And remember to do all the things that you want to do while you can.
Do you have any siblings, children, cousins, aunts/uncles? If family is too far away, then have your primary doctor recommend a talk therapist. I found one who is close to my age who had also taken care of an aging parent, so when she says "I know what you are going through", she really does :)
My Dad, who was my rock, who had a great sense of humor even up to the day before he passed [which was sudden] I miss that so much.... even though I am very independent and working. It's only been 3 months.
Maybe to fill your time, in your Dad's honor, do some volunteer work. Hospitals are always looking for volunteers, if you don't mind being in hospitals [some people don't, that's ok].... or volunteer somewhere where you have a keen interest. It is such a feel good thing.
You will do fine, just give it time. Maybe look for a support group where you can give advice on what worked for you when you were caring for Dad. Kinda like this forum.
Dying is just a part of life, that is very hard for some people to accept. The day I (literally) carried my mother to my sister SUV and we took her to the hospital, I told my sister, "she will never come home." She was skin and bones. Those were the hardest days, dying was much easier because we knew she wasn't suffering. The 5 days she laid in the hospice were the most horrifying day of our lives. Of course, I cried, but I got over it quickly. I am not a hard man, in fact, I am pretty soft hearted. I am a realist, I know we will all die, that is a fact.
Remember the good times.
We just went through this with my wife's father, he was 93, suffering from blindness, deaf, and could hardly walk. He to was in pain. He was ready to go. We must accept their wishes,
The hardest deaths are the young people who die way before their time. I never want to outlive a daughter or grandchildren. A quote from a famous person once said: "When we die we do not know we have died, the pain is only felt by others"
I have done what I can, physically and financially, if he see your face every day then he is happy, except the inevitable things we cannot change is I GOD hands. Your new commitments
To yourself start after your father's
Passing on. We all have to face it.
Support him till the end. GOD will put
Peace in your heart that day when he leaves you. That happen to me.
All the best Roda South Africa
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