Seven days a week (5, after working a full day) I go to my mother's house to help my brother get mom (who has dementia) changed, bathed, teeth brushed, etc. Some days, I am SO exhausted from work and all I want to do is go home and chill; but I force myself to put on my "game face" and do what I have to do. By the time I am finished doing everything, it is late and I'm too tired to go home and cook a decent dinner so I end up eating something from a can or a micro dinner. My doctor is concerned that doing too much, too often will cause an injury (I am almost 60). We have tried to get someone to come in my place a couple of days a week, but have been unsuccessful in finding reliable help. This schedule has been going on for at least 6 years and is wearing me down mentally and physically (sometimes there is lifting her involved). Taking care of mom is not the issue. She's easy-going and sweet. Should I lie and tell my brother that I'm not feeling well one day and can't come? Will mom be ok if I'm not there for one day?
You and your brother are lifting your mother, right? What happens if (when?) you do injure yourself?
Has a facility been considered? What is your mother's financial situation?
You shouldn’t lie. You should lay everything out. You, my honey, are burnt out and need help. Your brother should be the reliable relief for you, and should cover for you once a week, if not more. As easy going and sweet as your mom is (count yourself lucky, there), it is still draining.
You and your brother are adults and can have adult conversations. Be frank. Clearly express your feelings, and make it clear what you need from him - a day off, once a week ( or twice a week if he’s more willing). It’s not fair for one to bear the full burden, because in the end, the estate is going to be split 50-50 regardless of how much caring you did for how many decades.
When in this deep, working, surviving, it is hard to look up. But if you can, please do. Pause, stop & think. What is the bigger longer term plan?
Have a relaxed sit down chat with your Brother & ask his view/plans.
If your brother gets ill - or you do - what would you do?
Peace and Prayers.
Is there a reason Mother & Sister cannot arrange their own care - from a Care Management Agency?
I'd be moved into my own apartment quick as I could.
SIL is being paid, and at rates substantively above average on the open market. She negotiated for herself two full days off that are actually the weekend. They pay for an unrelated caregiver to come there then at at nights.
So as a $65,000/year person, we expect her to do her job. Her job is to be with them, not manipulate Brother into calling us with less than 24-hour notice because she would like to entertain a relative no one in this family has heard of, and whom no one in this family will ever think of as family. She gaslights him consistently with "it's your MOOOTHER." Well yeah it is, but you're getting paid.
She is minimally skilled and the problems are piling up. The parents however are very well off. If they and she don't recognize the need for more care that frankly none of the family is equipped to provide, then that is not on us.
1) Your obligation is not to take care of your mom but to make sure she is taken care of.
2) Are you married with family? They must be your priority.
3) It may be time to bring her in to adult day care or full time care.
4) Manage Care Advisor - I'm not sure if this is the right name but there are agencies where you can hire a specialist that will size up your situation and then tell you options you may not be aware of.
Don't wait. I went from working and caring for my in-laws, to sharing care for my parents, to currently caring full-time for my husband.
You'll wind up not recognizing yourself.
Ask mom's primary care for a social worker consult to help you find caregiver assistance.
Their are many home care agencies that you can google and locate. Read the reviews and after all your brother is present to monitor the care of the aides.
In the meantime you can scale back some of her needs. Mom does not need a sponge bath or shower everyday.
You didn't mention your Brother.
Being someone's Caregiver 24 7 is too hard and will cause Burn Out.
If your brother is doing this, even if he's not working outside if the home is Too Much!
#1, your mom doesn't need to be bathed every day!
Old peoples skin is dry and thin and bathing every day will just dry them our more.
2-3 Baths a week is fine.
Check with mom's Insurance and mom's Dr and see if Mom can have Home Health.
If so then you'll have a Nurse come by once or twice a month to check on her and you'll have an Aide cone 2-3 times a week to help mom bathe.
Insurance does not furnish a Caregiver unless she has that in her Insurance Plan.
You need to get on line and find part time Care Giver Help like 3 days a week for 2-4 hrs a day Mon - Fri then you can nor go at all to your mom's during the week to help your brother with mom.
Then you can visit mom on a weekend.
Keep in mind, if your brother is the main Caregiver, he needs One Day a Week OFF! To recharge.
Taking care of someone 24 7 is Awful.
You can even go On Line and see what Services the City's Aging Dept has to offer.
I went On Line to find Caregivers for my Dad.
Caregiver'a can be pricey but you can find someone for $10 -$12hr Cash.
Does your brother do the daily change of clothes? Take care of her toileting needs? (changing, cleaning...)
Your brother can brush mom's teeth just as easily as you can.
I think taking a few days off from doing this should not be a problem,
HOWEVER....
Your brother if he is doing care 24/7/365 does need a break.
I am sure you coming for a few hours every day is a break that he needs.
If he is doing the main caregiving daily and overnight as well he needs help, m ore than just you for a few hours.
Contact an agency and have a caregiver come in at least 4 days a week for a minimum of a 6 to 8 hour day.
Is mom on Hospice?
If not you might want to look into it. You would get a Nurse that would come in 1 time a week. A CNA that would come at least 2 times a week to give mom a bath or shower and order supplies and change bedding if needed.
And you would also have the availability to request a Volunteer that could come in and sit with mom while your brother runs or and does some errands or just has a bit of time for himself.
You work FT. Does brother also? Are you spelling him b/c he's with mom 24/7? Or doing the 'lady things' such as bathing her, etc., that may make him uncomfortable.
It's high time you hired some of this work out. A CG can come at any time. Could you find a way to pay someone 3-4 times a week to spell you and brother? If you have read many posts, there is one statement that seems to recur frequently: 33% of CG's die BEFORE the person they're caring for. I see it all the time. The 'healthy' spouse dies suddenly, leaving the needy spouse up a creek.
It takes a village to raise a family and a village to care for an elder. Please find some help--your dr is right, nobody is impervious to the stress of non stop CG.
It is hard having friends drift off, but it happens even in the best circumstances.
Hope today is a good one, and you have a circle here. We're all in similar situations.
Have you looked into assistive devices like a Hoyer lift or sit-to-stand?
You say brother doesn't want a hospital bed for aesthetic reasons?
Please consult the NP about that and follow his/her advice.
Have you called a home health care agency like VNS to get reliable care? Why do you let brother call the shots?
No one is going to stand up for your health but you.
You say your doctor is concerned that you are doing too much. I am concerned that you are BOTH doing too much. Also, can her routine be somehow simplified? For example, is she bathed every day? If so, that might be unnecessary, IMHO.
It may not always be easy to find reliable help, but don't give up. If it doesn't work out with one person, move on to the next, etc. Someone that can take care of what needs to be done for X hours a day and you and your brother can catch a break!
Try again to find help with her bed time routine, only make it more regular and better defined. Is money a problem? Have you already approached your (mother's, that is) local area agency on aging for advice about finding services?