I have taken care of Mom for 16 years. Mom is now 91 & her health, for the past 3 years, has been declining. My sister(works full time) has been wonderful, filling in when I am unable(I work per diem 2 12 hour shifts/wk). 2 brothers, are another story. I have always kept them informed re:Mom regularly, yet they remain uncaring & unavailable , but when Mom is hospitalized, which is more frequently now, they & their wives are all over me with their "Why didn't you do this?" Yadda,Yadda, Yadda,questions. I have answered their questions patiently & have politely told them all along " if they can do a better job than me, then by all means, take over".I'm 63 now& tired.
It is REALLY easy to sit in the "peanut gallery" and make comments and observations..and really HARD to be in the trenches doing the actual work. (yes, I a mixing metaphors here). If you are the one doing the most and the other sibs can contribute, but just aren't--all you can do is talk to them. Right to their faces, if needs be.
In my family, mother's care sort of slid from her being very independent to being almost totally dependent on others without a lot of notice taken by the other sibs. She lives with one brother, in her own attached apt. He took care of the few things she needed, I'd go up once or twice a week to clean and help out. Once her health began a quick decline following hip surgery, she could no longer drive or really do much for herself. Sadly, she's also declining mentally, and needs a LOT more "attention". The other 3 sibs kind of don't "get it". I had to really get angry with them recently and tell them that she's now become a "burden" and they HAD to step up. They'd just become complacent and figured if anything happened, they'd hear about it. All mother wants from any one of them is ATTENTION and a listening ear. So far, once sister has taken mother to a dr's appt and also found her a better PCP. That was really helpful. Honestly, while there are plenty of family members who won't do anything, a lot of times it's simple miscommunication. If your family is giving you grief--tell them to take Mom for a week and see how lovely it is. (They won't last a day).
My older sister NEVER calls my parents.. she manages to call when they are in the hospital though..
In my estimation though it has to do with appeasing their deep down guilt... and they are feeling as though they are helping .... always from afar.
((Hugs)).. I bet you are tired after all these years!
But - since you are caregiving for a mutual parent - you might take them up on their clearly superior knowledge and turn mum over to their care :)
They give you grief to cover for themselves. Acting like they care...what a joke!