I was talking to my sister the other day and told her that I don't want my children to take care of me like I am taking care of Mom. She asked me "then why are you doing it?" I didn't really have an answer.
So, why do we (you) do it? I think the main reason I am is because my Daddy did it and while Mom needs someone with her 24/7, she still has her mind (99.9% of the time anyway, and we have noticed a decline) I am not ready to place her in a nursing home. I do have great caregivers for us during the day, and care for her every other weekend in order for me to spend time with my family and have a life. Are there days when I say "Screw it I am DONE!"? You betcha...but then I "get over it" and go right back at it.
With just 60 residents, it's small and an older one floor building but it's owned and operated by the current adult generation of the family who founded it. The staff are wonderful, some having been there 30 or 40 years.
I think that's the difference between family owned/operated and corporation owned/operated, the latter just being in it for profit and providing the barest of everything.
I felt such guilt when we first placed my mom there but am now sure we did the right thing. I couldn't begin to care for her as well as she is being taken care of there.
I did all I could for my Mom for years but when it was time to transition her to a nursing home I knew it. But the reason I took care of my Mom was simple. I love her more than anything and it never crossed my mind that it should be any other way.
Now, 10 years later, father has progressive aphasia is mute, he lives with my other sister. one mile from the assisted living, he sees my mother every night for two hours and they talk about things that my mother wants to talk about. Remember I said my father is mute, so isn't that interesting. A couple married 69 years, still so in love, living apart. one not talking, and just rubbing her hands and head, and the other talking about the bus ride that took her to where Toto lives in kansas? Regardless of the truth, to me that is their happiness for today, and no they did not expect to live this long. Both will be 89 in a few month's.
When I say I am caring for them. I show up for 10 meals a week and assist them with eating, cutting food, getting food to their mouths. I do my best, and my heart hurts when i leave because it is truly like leaving your young infants in a daycare.
But, I am there 5 days spread out to include two meal times. That is my decision, my goal and what I am able to do, and still have the smile, love and energy to keep going.
Before, 10 years ago, I did not have those choices. We all have stages of this. It always gets worse, better ,worse, better, then we realize this is the dance called life.
I realize that with Alzheimers Disease there can be years between the time when a person can no longer live on their own and their death. I also realize that as the disease progresses there will come a time that I will not be able to care for Mom in my home and I will have to place her in a nursing home. When that time comes I don't want Mom placed in some dumpy facility. So it's important for me to be a good manager of her money so that when she does have to go into a nursing home she will have the funds to be put in a nice, high quality facility. The longer I can care for her in my home the more money she will have when she does need that nursing home placement.
I guess it does come down to a financial reason why I do this. A financial reason based on love and wanting the best for Mom.