The Care Center my dad lives in recently opened for visitors on March 24th.
My dad did not have visitors for over a year as they closed the doors March 12th in Montana. My dad is confused and I don't know how he survived for over a year without family! I Skype with him a few times. He lost weight and his quality of life is nonexistent.
My brother has said 3 times(!) He would show up for a visit and never does! My dad is a widow and I am his only visitor at this point. My husband visits a little also.
Here are some ideas as the pandemic winds down: If you belong to a church, perhaps you could let your minister know your father would appreciate visitors. If your brother is married and has children, you could let his wife and kids know how much grandpa would appreciate a visit. Perhaps you could set up something fun that everyone can do like Board Game Night unless you think that might be overwhelming to your father. With warmer weather, you can take your father out - maybe meet up with your brother for a walk or eat in a restaurant if they are open and you believe the risk to be low. Does your father have friends that live reasonably close? Perhaps you can facilitate a meet up? Offer to drive or meet at a mid-point. Ask if they'd like to zoom? Invite them to lunch?
I contracted with an organization called Seniors Helping Seniors to find men to spend time with my father as he had females helping him all the time and he missed his male friends who had passed away. The guys that came were nice and friendly enough but closer to my age and not creative in finding things they could do together. Same problem as with my brothers.
That really is a question for your brother. Although many of us have similar experiences, the reasoning behind this is different for each person. If possible, call or visit with him and ask nicely if he is afraid or upset by seeing your once healthy dad like this. Ask if he would try a short visit with you there. If he really can't muster up enough to make the visit, encourage him to make contact in other ways. If dad can take phone calls or video chats, arrange that.
For us, it was my mother. The funniest part is neither brother had a clue about dementia or the cost of care. After the first place we checked out, BOTH immediately said "Gee, for that kind of money, I'd take her in!" Riiiight. OB isn't local, YB is. OB came up for checking out places and stayed with mom while he was here for a few days. When it came time to move her, I stayed out of it, requesting THEY do the move (I had done all the arranging and wanted no part in the move, expecting to get all the blame anyway.) She managed to "bruise" her leg and develop cellulitis just before the move. OB had to deal with that when he came up and stayed the few days before. The injury delayed the move and YB used it to draft a fib letter from 'Elder Services' instructing her to go where we choose or they will place her. She had been refusing to move anywhere. This was just enough to get it done! So, OB came up a few times to assist with the condo and during his last visit, we went together the evening he arrived. All was good (I busied myself to give them time together.) If you could have seen her reaction when she saw him!!! So, one morning I suggested he pick up DD coffee/donuts and visit while I get ready, since he wasn't local this might be his last chance. Maybe 15-20m at best. No comment from him. When we had some down time later, I suggested he visit again. He refused, stating he "didn't know what to do with her." THIS from someone who would have her 24/7, with no help from us??? HAH! It was pretty clear he just couldn't handle it and refused to even try. So she repeats herself. So she might ramble. Just BE there!
YB initially would sometimes join us for the special occasions they had for holidays, mom's birthday, BBQ for all, etc., but it was like pulling elephant teeth just to get a response from him. I finally stopped asking. I had enough to do without chasing after a grown man (boy) who is 10 years younger than I!
"It is incredibly heartbreaking for my dad!"
I can imagine it is. Countless times she would ask me if I'd seen or talked to one or the other brother. I could only say not recently. Eventually she stopped asking. Out of sight, out of mind... Even though she was living life about 40 years ago, we were all adults by then, so she remembered me, knew who I was and so long as the conversation could be pushed along, to get out of the repetitive ruts, it was nice to visit. Those two have to live with not being there for her. Will they regret? Who knows. I really don't care. For various reasons, including more or less abandoning their mother, once all the paperwork is done, I am finished with them. The verbal and physical abuse was bad enough, along with ZERO emotional support, but to just forget your mother is inexcusable. I don't need them in my life.
"Why does it hurt me so bad?"
Probably because you can see how much it hurts your dad. If you can get some kind of answer from your brother, it might help you let this go. No guilt laid on him when you ask, just let him know you want to understand and encourage him to try a visit with you there or make contact without visits. If he isn't willing, then try to let it go. With dad, you can try making excuses for your brother (work, too far, etc.) Pass it off saying you'll ask him later or just change the subject, if possible.
The best you can do for now is just continue to be there for dad! Even if/when he forgets who you are, a kind person coming to visit is good.
Everyone in your family system is suffering. Your father, you and your brother. Our culture doesn’t teach people how to deal with suffering, partially due to the decreasing level of spirituality in our nation. Suffering is a part of life, spirituality affirms this and gives us the ability to hold space for another who suffers while we learn to endure, release and transcend suffering ourselves.
Males, generally speaking do not know how to handle deep feelings of pain as it breaks the cultural commandment: “Don’t be weak.” So they avoid it and the anxiety that comes with it. For most males, breaking down and crying feels like dying and they won’t face it.
The other item is that we don’t know what to say or how to say it which creates more anxiety. Males have to “do” something and don’t know how to simply “be” with someone.
See if you can get your brother to do a phone call. Maybe you can arrange a time to be with your father to get your brother to call. Or perhaps he could send a card? Drop one by his house, have him write a note in it and deliver it for him.
Don’t take your brother’s resistance personally. It’s not about you or your father (unless there was a major conflict in the past). It’s your brother’s problem.
My thoughts and Prayers are with you.
From the perspective of a pastor and a clinical therapist.
I visited my father less then I should have when he was in a nursing home, unable to do much for himself. He was angry...a proud ex-military officer being helped in the bathroom by women, being told when and what to eat, unable to walk, hear or see well enough to even read. It would have been better (maybe) if he was disoriented or confused, but he know where he was and why.
He complained to me and and felt that, as an RN, I should be able to make things better. Even if I was not a health care worker, I should help him as his daughter. I wanted to, but I could NOT think of a way to make things better. My presence didn't seem to help. I apologized to his nurses for his anger, but felt terrible for him. I ended up often staying away. A niece was with him when he died. I would have been, but did not know his condition and have always felt guilty for letting him down.
I do hope maybe for you he is just nervous or scared and you can help him with that - wishing you and your dad to be surround by love - and the gift of time - we all deserve that from each other
Of the 7 of us, my 3 sisters and I visited Ma regularly and coordinated our visits so she wouldn't go a day without a visit. The oldest son lived the farthest away and also was dealing with treatments for throat cancer. He came once in a while, with his wife. The next son had bi-polar disorder and often had conflicts with the staff because he didn't think they were treating Ma right. Us girls kept smoothing things over for him because we knew his heart was in the right place and he was very devoted to Mother. The youngest son? I believe he and his wife only came when us girls arranged a celebration for Ma, such as for her birthday. Why? His "reason" was always his young family. His daughter had an important softball game. He promised to take the twins swimming. It was his turn for carpool duty for the youngest's after-school activities. But surely in the 5 or 6 year period we are talking about there were SOME times he could have visited. And he didn't. I still love him but sometimes I don't like him very much.
My brother is emotionally disturbed and suffers from severe/terminal depression and takes no responsibility for his actions. He does or tries to do "good works" for others. So who knows why he can't follow up on his promises, but it is his problem and not mine.
Shortly after dad died he moved away suddenly. He sporadically keeps in contact with mom.
These are your brother's actions and there is nothing you can do about it. Don't tell your dad that brother is planning to visit then he won't be disappointed. If he does show up, what a happy surprise. It hurts because he's family and you feel it hurts your father. You can do only what you can do. Keep the lines of communication with your brother open. Forgive him his failings and continue to forgive it may take the sting out of your hurt.
You are hurt because you see it as someone not feeling the same about dad as you do. Your dad hurts, so you hurt. You are just being a compassionate human being. As long as you continue to go, that is the best you can do. You can hope for more, but as long as you know you have given dad what you think he needs, that's all you can do. No one can ask more of you.
My theory is that the baby of the family is rarely asked by parents to watch "your sibblings while mom or dad go run an errand." Thus they never develop that instinct to care for someone else outside of their immediate nuclear family, wife and own children. Personal character also contributes to lack of empathy. You cant change him now.
He has your love and I bet that he doesn’t take it for granted. I am sure that he cherishes your affection.
Please stop taking on your brother’s issues. How is that helping anyone? It is counterproductive. It is robbing you of feeling special when you are with your precious dad. Start focusing on the two of you instead of your brother.
Your brother is NOT going to change. You can’t wish for it to happen. You can’t shame him into it. You can’t force him, nor can you cry, beg or plead for him to change.
Try with all your might to let it go.
Live your life. He isn’t stopping you from doing exactly as you wish.
Right or wrong? Good or bad? Wise or foolish? He’s made his choice, which doesn’t include your father. Sad? You bet!
You can choose to be at peace by accepting what you can’t change or you can make yourself miserable by not accepting it. What do you think is best for you and your dad?
Live your life. Forget about how your brother lives his. He may have issues that you aren’t even aware of.