My husband and I moved in December of last year to take care of my father. Long story short we got him back to good health from where he was. He has been diagnosed with moderate dementia.
Why does he pull his shenanigans with him and give me the hardest time. And when I try and talk to him like an adult - “I’m arguing” with him. I get it’s the disease but every time it makes me want to throw in the towel and put him in a facility!
Just frustrating
If it is the disease no amount of reasoning, explaining or arguing is going to help you because he is in his own reality with his brain telling him he is right and you are wrong.
Pick your battles - those battles should be mainly for health and safety. Let as much of other issues go by the wayside.
My father hated to be told what to do - it had a lot to do with his childhood. One PT person was able to figure out if he let dad think it was dad's idea, dad was much more cooperative. Dad hated PT and wasn't usually cooperative. I will admit - I didn't live with my parents and didn't have to deal with all the attendant drama - none of us would have survived that. Mom and Dad started in IL and progressed to AL when dad declined and was falling - after dad began hospice he shortly moved to SN because he was to weak to stay in AL.
Remember to breathe. Do research in to dementia and familiarize yourself with its progression and how those affected can react and techniques to deal. Know that each journey is individual and unique. It requires strength and stamina and lots and lots of patience. If you and hubby are uncertain as to your undertaking to personally care for dad, then by all means find the appropriate setting for him. You would still be his caregiver, but with different duties. You would be his advocate making sure his care needs are met.
I wish you and your family the best.
Some folk enjoy this mental tug of war to brighten their day, add a little spice. Pot Stirrers.
I met an elderly woman who would argue every single point in every single sentence with her daughter when she visited. But when I entered with a cuppa "oh thankyou love. See how KIND the staff are. THEY look after me". Daughter frowns. Sigh.
Now when alone & I brought her a cuppa... What's that? That awful stuff you call tea? Brown filth! It's too hot, add more milk (so I did) oh well NOW you added a carton of milk, can't taste the tea & it's STONE cold. (So I brought a new cup & saucer, hot water, a teabag, milk in a jug & a teaspoon. What!! Do I have to make it MYSELF now!!! What kind of service is this!! Well, I said, you can make it just the way you like it. She laughed 😄 & did so.
Staff get to go home. If that was my parent, who lived with me 24/7 🤯 no no no & no.
I'm so glad you posted this! People never believe when an adult child says that their elderly parent with dementia can be nice as pie to anyone and everyone, but the minute their adult child steps in the room it begins the incessant complaining, the instigating and fight-picking, and the "stubbornness" which I call a way to justify snide nastiness.
No one believes it either. I find the best way to deal with this kind of behavior if someone is unlucky enough to be "it" as they say, is to simply ignore them and walk away when it starts.
Have a bit of a care. I've overheard a lot of family members talking to their elderly parents, and just occasionally, and to be frank, if somebody spoke to me like that I would spit in his eye. I've no doubt they think they're being reasonable, but what they're actually being is patronising, overbearing and didactic.
Here's two little self-tests:
1. If somebody else said what you just did to your parent, would you be okay with that?
2. Would you speak to anybody else the same way?
Please don't think I don't sympathise with the frustration. Yesterday a client told me all about the "dreadful nurse" who "barged in here" and "went on and on about germs, and said she was going to strip my bed, and and and..." - eventually, by holding my hand up like a schoolgirl, I got her to pause for long enough to remind her that that particular dreadful nurse was me, the day before. I'd offered to strip the bed (the soiled sheet, specifically) and she had declined. For us, it's easy: if the client says no, you don't do it, and I hadn't. But she'd still managed to take offence at the suggestion.
I did not bang on about germs, though. That must have been the real nurse later on, who had the privilege of trying to explain to this lady why she needed her pressure sore dressed. Wish I'd been there to hear it!
At first I’m thinking she means why is her ankle hurting. Now I believe she means why am I in a hospital bed in my bedroom with a tv and my Christmas tree and my meals on a tray? Who are these strange people coming in to change my clothes and bath me? What’s up with all these pills! Who was that lady that comes in and changes my pull up and puts my pjs on me?
I go in at night to move her from her lift chair to her bed. She resents the interference in her murder mystery. I explain that it’s bedtime for me. Well go to bed she suggests.
Last chance for her to have help getting into her bed I explain. Why do I need help she wants to know. You hurt your ankle I tell her. She wiggles her feet about to demonstrate her ankles are fine. I suggest she stand up and see if she can make it to bed. I remind her the therapist wants her to stand on it each day. She looks at the three feet to her bed and is incredulous that I think she can’t walk three feet. After a couple of false starts she gets up and quickly accepts my offer to push her on her rollator. I ask if her ankle hurts. Hurts like hell she says. Now she is very nice. Very grateful that DH and I are helping her into her bed. Now she wants the tv off and all the well wishes for a pleasant rest.
Yes, it gets very old. It helps that DH is also with me. He brings her meals and sweets and helps tuck her in. He’s more tolerated and not as burned out.
The next morning I am awake in my own rip van winkle. Why am I here in DH aunts house? Where is my NYTimes? My lazy Sunday morning? My pot of coffee? Oh yes..back in my own life two hours and a lifetime away. I’m right there with you Kmulheman3..
Try ignoring with love. Don't give him any attention when he treats you this way. If it gets to be too much for you then most definitely put him in a care facility and don't have a moment of guilt about it because you did your best.
Have you contacted Council on Aging in your area? Have a needs assessment done and he may qualify for an aide to visit your home and you can get a break.
Best wishes to you and your family. Take care.