When I'm around, mom is weak and can barely function, when outsiders are around she has enough strength to at least function, when it's her and I, she can barely talk sometimes, until someone calls her, then that changes. I have called her out on that, it doesn't change. She is deteriorating but she has chosen to sit for 7 years and has refused to listen to advise. I am beating myself up for sometimes being hard on her but if she can be chipper with her friends she can be with me.
My mother perks up when ANYBODY but me comes to visit. Having witnessed this for years and years, it still rankles me when I am there and one of the other sibs show up and I am summarily 'dismissed'.
My DH is far kinder to ANYONE in the world than he is to me. He's often said he wonders why I've stayed.
For about 35 of our 36 years of marriage all of her many psych dr's remind me that ""They" always take the most(also the worse) out on the ones they love the most"I have to remind myself of this daily. It helps some but I get tired of being the dumpster that gets all the trash dumped on them.
I would call my grandma and catch her and tell her to be more independent and I see that she can do it and she would calm down about it
I would suggest that you take advantage when family is over since she is more independent and take time to yourself. See if you can leave while they are there. Maybe it's not a manipulative thing and having family around makes her happier and stronger
It's a dance between the two of you and I can't tell you how to break it, but it's a therapist's dream to teach people how to break those patterns.
As for the change of disposition (pleasant toward outsiders, nasty to family), one doesn't have to have dementia to be this way--we have a person in our family like this.
You could almost take it as a compliment although I know it's frustrating but it's a sign that they don't need to put on a smiling act when you are around.
For instance I have this sister who is very la de da. When people go over to her place for Christmas etc. they all put on their best bib and tuck. Now when they come to my place it's jeans and a t-shirt. Yeah, it would be nice to think I inspired some kind of let's be at our best but the fact they can relax in my presence is a good thing I think.
Then there are your expectations, which are also different from those of other people. The person you know your mother as is the person she was as a fully-functioning adult throughout your life, and you are still hoping and waiting for that person to come back to you. But if she's been deteriorating for seven years... there are going to be parts of her which are conking out. She'll be tired. She'll be apathetic. She probably won't be very good tempered about it, either.
I see both sides of this nowadays. We had a briefing on a gentleman who, because of family crisis, was staying with his son and DIL. "Needs constant prompting," we were told. "May become agitated and aggressive." Since our job is to guide him through his morning and bedtime routines, this was not the most reassuring of introductions.
In my first handover notes I commented that Mr M "could not have been more co-operative or more appreciative." He had indeed needed some prompting to stay on track; but whereas his son's idea of "prompting" during breakfast prep had been to interrogate his father - "come on, Dad. We went through this last night. Where's the cereal? I showed you. Where is it?" - we are trained to stand back and intervene as little as possible to guide the person through the task.
I made all the allowances I could for stress, unfamiliarity with the routine, lack of understanding etc. but the truth is I wanted to slap the son. I did get to discuss the difficulties on another occasion with the DIL, who happens to be a senior nurse, and she explained that Son is finding it very difficult to adjust to his father's frailty.
On top of this I could also tell that the father's perfect manners towards me, and his thanks for my help, must have been very galling to the son. Where were the perfect manners and the warm appreciation at two in the morning, when the son had been helping his father find the bathroom in a hurry?
I was a complete stranger to the elderly gentleman, but a) I was wearing uniform, b) I had no expectations of him, and c) my only interest was in enabling him to carry out a prescribed series of small tasks. Some of the tasks were very personal. I ensured he washed and dried himself thoroughly. I prompted him to rinse his mouth clean of toothpaste before returning his partial denture. I found his lost hearing aids, which he'd mistakenly placed in his electric shaver's case. None of these small points was distressing for me, of course; but they would all have created twinges of despair in the man's son. For God's sake, Dad!
It is very different when it's your parent. I know that: I was my mother's caregiver first. But it isn't just because you're on duty 24/7, though heaven knows exhaustion plays its part. There is also the weight of expectations that you have of her from what she used to be. What are you calling her out on? What are you being "hard" on her about?
Stop caregiving if she treats you like that.
That personality type gets worse with age, but will consistently be nasty to their targeted adult-child, whilst treating everyone else differently.
Clinically it's termed Narcissistic personality disorder,
But the general population has hijacked that word, so with client's I'll use the descriptives Asshat and/or (psychologically abusive chameleon) to describe an abusive person who switches personality traits depending upon the audience.
WHY?? does your mom switch her act, depending on her audience?
To both upset you, and to get attention from others.
It's a never-endingsick and twisted game, with them.
BTW That psychologically manipulative chameleon, is in complete control of her actions and CHOOSES to abuse you.
She pretends to be clueless, to throw-you-off.
Remember those who are clueless treat everyone the same.
Clueless Meanies, are mean to everyone, they aren't just mean to us behind closed doors.
Your mother is MANIPULATING YOU When you're around, your mom is PRETENDING to be weak by barely functioning, It's manipulation b/c when outsiders are around your mother has enough strength to at least function,
When it's her and you, she PRETENDS to be unable to talk,
Voila suddenly that reverses when someone calls her, it's a miracle! Clap Clap
Your mother acts, and I emphasize the word ACTS, because that performance manipulates you into responding. She LOVES your responses,; it's her con game to get you to focus on her, giving her 100% of your attention.
Are you tired of her nonsense? then change your responses to ignoring her bullshit, stop responding the way you've been trained.
Tell her zero of what you know, otherwise she will up her game to provoke you more. Remember she's an expert in manipulation.
I never called my mom out on this repeated scenario, so I truly commend you for doing so--I never had the nerve to, but also assumed that it wouldn't be productive. Thank you, karber, for sharing with us; it gives me strength to hear from others who share my own experience and understand me. Together we are all stronger!
I wish I knew why she is sabotaging her own life - and affecting mine badly into the bargain.
It can be very frustrating to witness someone who complains that they are sicker than they have ever been in their entire life, moaning, wincing, crying and THEN, suddenly a special family member comes by and she jumps up like an athlete, offering to cook them a meal, do their laundry, all excited, chatting, etc. It cracks me up. Or, the phone can ring and she'll talk, laugh, cackle like she's at a school reunion for hours! Sometimes, she chats on the phone and cooks at the same time! She's fine. Then, hangs up and starts moaning, limping, complaining again. Mind you, she's very well monitored by her doctor and physically, she's fine. lol So, it's really more an exercise in patience and tolerance on the part of the caregiver. I feel your pain. It's sad that the caregivers are suffering this way. I often think how amusing it is that the woman they see and the woman I see are two different people. I'm trying to accept it. For me, it's been that way since I was a child, so, it's particularly impactful.