Really when a person can't take care of themselves and it is a safety issue I feel there should be something in place to make it easier to care for ones loved one. This system we are in is so stupid and not good for anyone involved. How do you handle this?
But for dealing with dementia we are starting almost from scratch -- kind of like being back in Dickens time. And BTW Dickens himself was instrumental in exposing inhumane practices, and that is the first step in getting change. Maybe we need a popular novelist to expose the flaws in the present system. It wouldn't be very cheerful reading, though would it?
We've always had people who lived into their 90s and even past 100. But when they are fairly rare in a population they can be dealt with case-by-case. With the aging boomers we have an entirely different scenario. We need changes to our infrastructures. We need a global vision and not piece-meal band-aids.
I have intentionally not taken all my vacation days for years now so that I can have a reserve for when I'll need them for mom's care
I can relate. It is hard caring for an elderly parent. There are so many factors and really no easy answers. It feels like a no win situation to me. I can't imagine many elderly parents thinks to themselves, I want do burden my adult child. Some want to stay home till the bitter end if possible and who can blame them? Who likes change? I kept my dad at home till the end, but in hindsight, was that really the right decision for him? Would he still be alive if he had the care of a nursing home? We all do the best we can, my friend. Please know there are supports out there in the community and we mustn't be afraid to find them and use them.
FF makes a good point; it's not easy to provide extensive caregiving when we're in our 60's, 70's or sometimes even older than that.
There was a recent (PBS?) showing of a film on dementia, with interviews of a few families dealing with it, as well as one of the NE states that had a very, very limited health base to support any treatment. One of the women featured was caring for her mother with dementia, had also been diagnosed as having a genetic predisposition for it.
She went to Washington, and I believe testified at a hearing. But she also met a few legislators, including a man who had experienced it in his family.
If the Senate and Congress had more members with experience in dementia, as opposed to younger upstarts who are more interested in power plays, there might be more attention given to funding and research for it.
Gershun, well said. I despise those syrupy, cheerful commercials with glowing, rosy faces and happy dispositions. They convey a false and primarily fictitious representation of older life and older care.
Too bad someone doesn't have the guts to make a film of someone portraying so many who gaze with unseeing eyes, literally catatonic, sitting in their chairs for hours staring but seeing only a dismal future for themselves.
Here in Vancouver, Canada, they air these news stories celebrating seniors who have run marathons and are working well into their eighties. It's almost like they are trying to say "see, if you had taken better care of yourself, this would be you too" Why not air stories about the care givers who despite all the odds being against them are trying to provide a dignified end of life for their loved ones without the help of the government.
You know I was just thinking the other day, I wish people would ban together and make home films as to what it is really like to take care of an elder, and have all of those in Congress and the current President view these films. Of course, we wouldn't be able to use an elder with dementia, because they can't consent to be filmed, so actors would be needed. I think too many people think life looks like the commercials for meds for Alzheimer's, everyone smiling and hugging.... [sigh]
I remember when I was grumbling about driving my parents [90's] all over hill and dale, a co-worker said to me that my parents had taken care of me when I was a baby..... to which I said "that is true, except my parents weren't 65 years old when I was a baby".
After all, children are nothing new. But social science and social services have yet to come up with a reliable way to protect them from harm, either, or ensure they get a fair start in life. Governments and legislators are not much good at delivering healthy social infrastructure, yet they've been cheerfully overpromising for at least sixty years. I think it's time we stopped believing they can do the job.
An economic system that was designed to support people ten or so years after their retirement now has many living 30 years or more without producing income.
Perhaps the social sciences will some day catch up with medical progress. But right now it is waaaay harder than it should be to provide excellent care for the elderly.
And we're not in positions of power. When I was working, I felt appreciated, making positive contributions to clients, and my work was respected. I'm not sure that's often the case in caregiving, even when our charges do express their appreciation w/o understanding the sacrifices that are made to accomplish that. We're not Energizer Bunnies but often are expected to beat like that cute little bunny with the drum and lots of energy.
What I find the most offensive are the "suggestions" and questions of these kinds: "you might want to do this", or "you should be doing such and such" or "why aren't you doing x, y or z??" I've often had to exercise great restraint not to respond with "why don't you either help or mind your own business!"
If I was going to take up a cause, it would be exactly this issue. We need better trained medical personnel, facilities that specialize in the needs of the elderly (not just assisted living and nursing homes, but like geriatric psych hospitals and the such), more discussion about how to support caregivers emotionally and financially, and an insurance system that knows what the heck is going on.
But I will say this: this site is a one bright light in all of it, so use it and lean on it for support.
In most states, bed guardrails are illegal. But my MIL had need of something to grab on to to assist her in sitting up. The assisted living facility limited u s to one type, one we were not familiar with. BUT the Halo handle did work great and MIL loved it (once she stopped saying she didn't need it!)
So what is in place for your loved one? Is the home setting workable? One floor, easy access no throw rugs, grab bars in the bathroom, etc etc? Are there caregivers or family to help? Are there resources (looking ahead) for such things? Are POA papers and healthcare proxies in order?
Tell us more specifics and perhaps you may get perfect ideas.
Then comes the cost of aging here in the States. I was like a deer in headlights when I found how much it cost to hire caregivers, and the cost of Assisted Living or that of a skilled nursing home.
Then we have senior citizens trying to take care of much older senior citizens. Those older seniors still view their grown children who are now experiencing their own age decline still as being in their 20's and 30's, and are surprised when we just can't do all that they want.... [sigh].
People marvel when one's parents live to be 100.... but fail to realize that means their grown children are in their 70's and 80's. That could mean one grandchild is helping to care for his/her own parents and grandparents.