Why do the elderly refuse to shower or bathe?

It has to do with fear... mainly fear of falling as one gets older. I am 70 and I feel that way now myself.

There is also the start of claustrophobia as when you think about it, many showers are small. There is also the comfortableness of the water hitting the skin in a shower as when one ages, the skin becomes thinner.

Grab bars on the shower walls are helpful, and many elders like sitting in a shower chair when using the shower. My Dad felt so much safer with that shower chair.

If none of that works, there are caregivers who specialize in just doing bathing/showering and they could come once or twice a week and you pay for their time at your home or Mom's home.

I agree that it can be a fear of falling but I also think it has something to do with being cold.

It's the chill factor. Lordy, I hate the first time the shower water hits my back, it's either a cold shot or a hot shot. So I crank up the heat in the bathroom and I put a hand towel on my back so the hot water doesn't give me goose bumps. I have a shower chair (with a heated wet washcloth), a hand held shower and keep the room at 85F.

That's a question I had to ask Myself also. I fitted a jacuzzi for My Late Mother many years ago, and with out exagiration Mam bathed in it six nights every week for years, but when the Alzheimer's struck habit went out the window as Mother refused to either bathe or shower, hence I asked a great Friend of Mothers to come and help shower Mam once a week. Result was positive. I did read that Demensia and Alzheimers Sufferers are afraid of water since They can't see it. Showering is so important as it can limit the dreaded Ut's to a minimum. Plus They smell and feel so much better.

I'm 71, and for me, it's definitely the fear of falling. No matter how many grab bars and whether there's a stool to sit on or not, I'm afraid I'm going to fall. (And yes pamstegma, that stool is cold. Even with a towel on it.)

And who wants faff about like that every day, or every other day, or even twice a week, when it takes 3/4 of an hour even to get into the damn thing!

I'm 85 and live in an independent living facility that has grab bars in the shower. I moved here because I fell twice in six months; once on a street with oncoming traffic. I wasn't injured either time. Now when I'm about to get out of the shower, I talk aloud to my feet, telling them where to move. My husband died from a fall on a nursing home bathroom floor after climbing over his bed's locked guardrails. I don't want my life to end that way.

arianne777: Good idea to talk to your feet. I'll try that.

Folks have you seen the tub to shower conversion kit that can be remodeled so you do not have to step over a bathtub? I am having issues with this apt. we moved into and with a doctor's order they would have to install one per ADA law. Anyway, the theory of a shower running on skin (according to research done at ASU) is that dementia persons perceive the water as fire. Who would want to put fire on their skin? I got a hand-held shower kit installed, warm up the water, heat up the room, and a chair took up too much room in the tub, but the rubber non-slip pad on the bottom of the tub prevents slipping. I bought a moveable handrail and place it where necessary and get in the shower with my husband. I get him washed, then he gets out, and I can wash my hair. We use disposable wipes for toileting, disposable briefs and pads, and he has yet to get a UTI. Just keep the genitals cleaned, wash in between the toes & armpits, and using a dry shampoo has been shown to be better than wet shampoos. When one has dementia their legs will not get the signal from the brain, they collapse and then a fall occurs. Talking to feet helps when one does NOT have dementia.

my mom, 83 and with dementia and alz. refuses to shower. if we get her to shower, wont wash her hair. she wont allow me to help(daughter). finally at a rehab facility, she will allow some of them to shower her and wash her hair. she was living in an independent facility, but now requires more care than they can provide. and she wont eat! I just so look forward to getting older :(

Thinking back when my mom was first starting to "get weird." I remember that every time I was at her house, I was so impressed by how clean her tub and shower were. Took me an embarrassingly long time to figure out she hadn't used the damm tub and shower since the Bush administatrion.

My friend for whom I have POA does not shower either, though he insists he does. His memory care staff are frustrated as well. He does wash though no none sees how he does it or how thorough he is. I brought some liquid body wash soap for him to use as an encouragement and periodically check to see if I have to buy more. Not much is being used. He still does his daily routine and dressing on his own and resents interference by the staff, thinking he is perfectly capable. He doesn't have body odor, so he must be doing something right. There are some good suggestions here for me to talk with the staff there about and so Thank You for some of the good ideas!

A towel warmer or freshly out of the clothes dryer towels are nice, my mom was instantly cold when she was bathed. I'd wrap her in warm towels and get her clothes from the dryer. Which was close to her bedroom, I don't know how they do it at her facility.

I'm 72, and for me it's definitely the fear of falling, or of not being able to get in & out safely. If I shower, my back hurts and I'm afraid of slipping; if I soak in the tub (which I prefer), then I worry about being able to pull myself up with the grab bars. It's just not easy getting older, and few people want the humiliation and embarrassment of accepting help. I would love a walk-in tub, but they're unaffordable on a fixed income. Good luck, and don't assume it's just stubbornness or not caring about being clean!

Trying to figure this out too. My mom is 85 and newly blind. A double whammy! She been tested for dementia, but because she's blind not all the test could be given. Her doctor seems to think it's mostly depression from blindness. My sister and I agree, but there is and has been a lot of stubbornness. Always has been. I have purchased a shower bench and space heater, had rails installed in my "walk in" shower. I've offered to assist, but no go. She says it's cold, but I have hot water and a heater I say. I can't stand up that long and my back hurts, but there's a bench and you can sit and relax, I say. I don't like showering all the time, but mom it's every other week now, twice a month, I say. I can't climb over a tub any more, but I have a walk in shower too remember, I say. Maybe later, I'll do it tomorrow, she says. It's funny though when I do get her to shower and wash her hair she will stand at sink half naked and try washing her hair in sink. Geese, I'd be cold standing there like that too with wet head. Then she goes to shower to rinse. It makes no sense to me and she won't/can't explain her logic. When she stays with my sister a bathing nurse is called, because she does wet her depends thru the night and now we are having the occasional BM's in them. She used to sponge bath every morning, but since glaucoma has taken her sight it's become more like 2xs a week and only if I coax her, which leads to an argument. Mom has always considered outward appearances very important and based her opinions about others upon their appearances. If she could see herself now I think she'd be shocked. But I guess that's the problem, she can't see so nothing matters. Breaks my heart. I'll probably have to breakdown and call a bathing nurse too, but I know she gets embarrassed.

Fear and exhaustion for my dad and my late mom.

Regarding bathing for people who have dementia - I can only imagine what happens to your brain when you have dementia! I have tried every tactic to have my male childhood friend to bathe once a week. First the passage of time does not register with him. He does wash up in the sink but that is not the same as taking a shower. I have most of the safety things installed in my shower - a chair with arms-a shower head on a flexible tube - I use a bath mat with a rubber back (not suction) and soft towel like surface. I have a small bathroom chair that I hang the bath mat over the back with the towel on top. He can reach it without getting up from the shower chair. The shower chair has a place between the two front legs that I have fastened a mesh that has seperate pockets in for soap-shampoo - etc. I run the water till it is hot - which warms the shower stall up nicely. Before he gets in I regulate the temp of the water to his liking. He feels secure in the chair. I close the door but remain in the bathroom - just in case. When he is done (short time) I hand him the towel and help him dry his back and what hair he has left on his scalp. I point out to him that bathing is not only for dirt but to towel off the dead skin that can cause a problem if left to build up. I then put the bath mat - rubber side down-towel side up beneath his feet while he is sitting in the chair. Then I remain right outside the shower to give him stability while stepping out on to another dry rug outside. The chair is directly outside the shower door so he can sit and finish drying himself and feel secure. Bathing also make you feel weak and unstable. Another thing I found to help me when I fractured my pelvis was to use the plastic hat without a center when I washed my hair to it keeps the soap and water out of my eyes. That also helped me with my fears. I used it when my children were infants and I had to wash their hair. So to sum up what I am trying to say - make sure the person feels safe (on their own and in control). Another thought - I have found that after the shower I was actually weak. So instead of getting dressed immediately I put on a robe - had a cup of tea - while I recovered my strength in my bed. When I was ready to get up then I got dressed. Ps: I often fell asleep.
Any of us that has faced the realities of old age understands what you are going thru. I think it was art linkletter who said: old age is not for sissies! I wish you and your mother luck - she is fortunate to have a devoted daughter like you.

I am not sure why, probably fearful. With my mom, with Alzheimer's, first she would shower with my step-dad. We also added a space heater to the bathroom and dressing space. Then my sister and I helped her, she did have a shower chair. A hand held shower was added for ease. Then we graduated to a sliding shower chair so she didn't have to step into the shower (she also quite walking during this time). Next she began to hate the shower running on her so we only used the hand held and put towels on her to keep her warmer. Now we do a shower every week to 10 days with sponge baths inbetween. I guess we will eventually go to only sponge baths but hair washing is just easier in the shower. I also have a hair funnel for times mom just doesn't want to get in the shower and I need to wash her hair in the kitchen sink.

I use flip flops on my feet not a bathmat as no matter where I walk I have traction both in tub/shower & in bathroom in case any water on floor - bonus easier to keep clean

What fun getting old. Sit in Depends all day, have someone change them, have someone standing by 24/7 in case you want to pee or have a bowel movement any time of the day or night, fall on your face and crack your head open, and refuse to shower or bathe. I most sincerely hope I am dead dead dead before I get to that point, and I also hope someone (I don't know who) puts me in a nursing home instead of letting me fester away all alone in a falling down house.

I try for once a week with my dad, but it's too much argument to insist, so I don't. One other way to help keep him clean - I keep a stack of washcloths in his bathroom and he'll wet the cloth and run over his arms and pits. Buying baby wipes in bulk amounts (400-700 count packages) isn't expensive, and they have holders (like "warmers," but I don't use the warming part because it dries out the wipes) you can set on the counter top or in mom's room and do some basic "sponge bath" type cleaning.

This is a very common problem. I don't see an issue with letting it go longer than a week if the person isn't active or sweating much. My dad, for example, is most always in bed, so I'd rather skip the argument about bathing and schedule doctor's appointments for him at regular intervals because he'll take a shower before his doc appointments.

There is also an option for in-between showers of using one of the "waterless" foam cleansers that are commonly used in hospitals. Rub it on, no need to rinse, it's a self-drying, antibacterial cleansing wash.

Maybe you can come up with some "tricks" that work for your mom and skip some of the fight. Good luck. :-)

I think a lot of it is they are afraid of falling. Plus, when your body aches all over, it is a long, drawn-out, uncomfortable ordeal to go through. My own RA is giving me previews of just how difficult the process can be.

I'm sure they are afraid they will fall. Also, it's just plain difficult. My own experience with RA is giving me a preview of how it will be, having to do all that while in pain and aching all over from one joint to the next. It's just a lot of trouble and discomfort.

Good suggestion to "Go cubs"! About taking a bath before a doctor appointment! Wow!! Using old habits and standards will seem familiar and you will experience more coperation.
I did not realize that was what made my experience with bathing my friend - a no argument deal! Thanks for the tip.
Rose petal

I'm curious, has anyone ever heard of caregiver being charged with neglect because someone refused to shower? My MIL will not shower, wash her hands or face, nothing! Every time we go to see her DH gives her a rag to wipe face, hands and arms down and I wash hair at the sink once every 1-3mth if I'm lucky!! She smokes and somehow gets ashes all over her hands, then ends up with a grey face and anywhere else she may touch. She truly looks like a homeless person under a bridge. It is such a fight to get her to do the little bit of washing up we've gotten her to do. She rarely changes her clothes either! We've called local dept on aging but they say unless she's blind or has Alz, they can't help. She's sharp as a tack, just a recluse that has decided any form of cleanliness in the last few years is unnecessary!

Also, Grammyteacher, my own mother is unable to walk or stand now so she gets bed baths every other day and her hair washed once a week. It was always so tough to get the shampoo out of her hair until we got an inflatable bed basin. She's able to just lay comfortably back & you can use a cup or pitcher to pour water over head just like getting hair washed at salon (except you aren't hooked up to the plumbing of course) It's really super easy once everything is set up and I think you can get for around $20 on amazon. Just thought I'd mention since the shower is getting tougher to do. Much luck to everyone out there!

HelpnGa, yes it is all too easy for APS to arrive and ask 64 questions about why she is not clean. Dear Husband needs to talk to her MD about a weekly bath aide. They learn techniques of reassurance and distracting them with happy conversation and use the Teepa Snow technique, which actually starts with the patient partly clad.

My FIL seems to have hyper-sensitivity to water on his feet and face, so bathing him & washing his hair is a struggle.

My wife works with autism children, and she tells me that it is common for the children she works with to display similar aversion to all sorts of things. It's difficult to understand the feelings and experiences of folks afflicted with neurological damage.

AnotherJoe, you just reminded me of something I did with my grandmother. She wasn't happy about bathing, but keeping her warm helped things. I would warm up the bathroom with a space heater ahead of time, had grab bars for her security, her seat was there and we used a hand held shower.

But putting a basin (those plastic bins from the hospital worked for her small feet) of really warm water for her to put her feet in while she sat in her shower chair kept her warmer throughout the bathing process and she wasn't as uncomfortable.

My Mother has mild dementia. Don't know if talking to her feet will work but we can try that. Thank you for that suggestion. Also on regard to showers... that is one thing my Mother's facility harped on when Mom was showering herself and in Independent Living. The facility pushed and insisted that mom have nurses aids showering her when she was ill and had already showered herself in the morning. She loved her showers then. She was not at a risk of falling then. They made an invalid of her. They showered her after she was hurt in physical therapy and that night she fell in her room after she went to the bathroom. She bumped her head and got disoriented. I called 911. From emergency room, she was transferred to observation where she fell out of bed. She broke her nose. She went back to the health care unit where she is a resident and they refused to treat her when she got sick with phnemonia. Their Dr. never saw her. We had to call 911. She was treated for phnemonia in the hospital for about 5 days and was sent back to independent living. .. . A series of events lead to her being forced into moving to Personal Care against her wishes. It is hard to get the Nurses Aids to shower her there. The reason the facility wanted to force her to be showered by there Nurses Aids is that it would give reason to have her transferred to Personal Care. The facility overused her Medicare for Physical Therapy and there is now no money left for her to have physical therapy for the rest of this year. What I am saying is that showers and one of the indicators of whether or not the resident in Independent Living should be transferred to a higher level of care or not. A facility can use this against a resident in Independent living. This is our experience. Now my Mother hates showers she used to love and she does not get showered every day like she used to. I was told that she was not showering herself clean enough. That was B.S. The nurses Aids skip at least one of her shower days of her twice a week schedule and when they do shower her her it is a 2 minute shower. I watched as the Occupational Therapist drag a shower out to 15 minutes and she wanted to check me to see that was done. She wanted to shower Mother in front of her. Mother is smart. She said "NO." I listen to my Mother. She is going to be 99 years old this month. She has great wisdom along with her mild and pleasant dementia. Please pray for us. It is hard to fight the agenda of the facility and also my brother to take control of my Mother. I go in every day as long as I am permitted to stay, basically from 7:30 to 8:00 PM and several hours out of that for errands and appointments. I give Mom a shower once or twice a week, she now hates showers she used to love. This is what needs changed around. Getting a loved parent to love showering. How is that accomplished? When others shower her at facilities, it takes away rather than ads to her life and to others lives. How do you get around this when dementia sets in? A shower should be an exciting thing and it has been changes to chore, a red flag that a person is losing control of their life. If a facility can rob a resident of their joy of living they think nothing of taking that away from the resident if it serves their purpose. That is the problem with senior living facilities that put the resident last on their list of priorities. Please pray with me that I can effect a change in the horror of Mother's life. Thank you.

Everyone is different. Growing up we were always big on baths so my parents wanted their baths. They resisted assistance until it was obvious to them they had to have it. Neither had dementia. Once they experienced the help of professional bathers, they relaxed and enjoyed. Loved how great they felt afterwards. I think they are more comfortable with aids who are confident unlike their children who are awkward. Loved the ideas here. The foot warmer I hadn't heard before. I think it's also imperative to adopt a no nonsense, we are all going to bathe approach and get that out of the way. The woman who smoked would not be brought her tobacco until she bathed. That one is simple ( for me). No conversation. Just the facts. Easier on everyone.

#1 Old school-depression era people took very few baths to conserve water. In fact, sometimes one family used the same bath water (I know, right?=gross), thus the term "don't throw out the bath water."
#2 Afraid of falling
#4 Afraid of water
#5 Afraid of temp (too hot/too cold)
#6 The mentality of the elder has changed drastically.