My grandfather has dementia and has good and bad days. He thanks me for helping him and the next says I put him in prison. I moved him to assisted living and tried to make it look like home. The only family left to care for him is my sister and myself. Our dad was an only child and passed away with cancer 10 years ago. My grandmother passed 8 years ago with cancer. Grandpa is 89 and is in somewhat fair health besides balance issues and blood clots. I traveled to see my son and grandchildren 5 hours away. Grandpa starting in again on throwing him away and not caring about him. What do I do to stop this?
She's peachy sweet to my SIL and some others, but with me, I never know who I am going to encounter. She tossed me out on my ear last November and told me to never come back. I have seen her twice since then, both times with others present and she's ignored me.
At first it really, hurt. Now I don't care. I text my brother now & then to see if she's OK, but if she never saw me again, she'd be fine.
Dementia robs us of the person we used to know. The way I look at it is, my "mother" is gone and this person is riding around in her body. Sometimes the sorta nice mom peeks through, but not that often, and not with me. Accept what it is, and know they don't mean the hurtful things they say.
What you can do is find ways to cope. When he starts one of his rants you don't have to listen to it, tell him you will talk to him/come back to see him when he is feeling better, then hang up the phone or leave. When you do visit or call have some topics in mind that might distract him... check out a photo album together, ask about his childhood or work or hobbies. Lots of old people feel like their old age is less than golden, don't take it personally.
We went through the same with Mom for years. She took it out on my sister and me with her complaints, but we found out she was pretty happy when we weren't there.
When your grandfather starts his complaints, especially blaming you, just tell him you understand it is difficult to get older and for him to adjust to changes in his life: Be firm: tell him you will not stay and listen to his negativity and rants. If he won't stop leave, or hang up the phone. Several times we warned Mom to stop the arguments and complaining that turned into a "who's on first" roundabout, we would leave - and then we left.
At first I felt guilty doing that, but with her dementia, I realized she didn't remember after ten minutes or so. That is how we saved ourselves from bad headaches and stomach cramps every visit when she set her negativity trap.
Just remember: you have nothing to feel guilty about, so don't let it get to you. Its very sad this happens to them, they can't help it. It is so painful to lose their independence.
Ask their opinions about something (color of paint, where to moved a piece of furniture,...) Like a child that grows up so fast, this time seems slow, but it will end and you will wonder why you complained...keep loving them as you would want to be loved...
As caregivers we're often blamed or judged for decisions we've made by someone who hasn't walked in our shoes. IT'S OKAY! Just know that each one of us is doing the absolute best we can with what we have to work with.
My hat goes off to those that are able to care for their loved ones in their home either out of sheer love and patience or necessity. I know first hand how expensive facilities can be, and some people aren't blessed with the resources to be able to place their loved ones in a facility that is better equipped to handle their needs and have to face the increased stress that comes with having a loved one in a home that could be dangerous.
For those of us that have chosen a facility, most of us would agree that it wasn't a decision that was entered into lightly. In fact, for some of us, placing our loved ones with people that are trained to handle advanced medical issues, away from household dangers (like unlocked doors, stairs, or appliances that could harm a person with compromised cognition) was the most loving decision we could have made, and it happened to IMPROVE the relationship with the loved one.
So... it sounds like some posters are still dealing with the pain of losing a loved one in a facility and their only recourse so early in their grief process is anger. I get it.
In addition, they may be dealing with the guilt of facing that they were the ones that put their loved one in the facility where they died and haven't determined that it isn't their fault.
Hurting people hurt people and we only give them power by responding. That is all.
This forum is a Godsend and I appreciate all of the love and support I get from you all!!!
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