My 70 year old husband with Parkinson’s and dementia, although mild, went to a snf following a hospital stay where he had been admitted for orthostatic hypertension or extremely low blood pressure. Since he had become extremely more difficult to handle at home with no help, this seems like the time to make nursing home a permanent placement. However since in the snf he seems to have recovered mentally and mobility wise as well as no incontinence. His bowel and urine accidents in the house were becoming an issue and he would remove his Depends and go on the floor. But this “miraculous “ change has me feeling guilty and confused. I know if he comes home he will go back to previous behaviors. And I know PD and dementia are progressive. Yet I can’t help feeling awful that he is so totally lucid when I visit him and he tells me he wasn’t ready for this yet.
He says how can I spend the rest of my life like this which is a total waste of living? What is going on? I had no help at home and he was difficult for me to deal with.
Dementia notwithstanding, when our loved ones want something, they can be quite manipulative in order to get it! I see it quite often with my mother who has advanced dementia and I read about it ALL THE TIME here on the forum. I watch her schmooze her caregivers to the nth degree then turn on me like an animal the moment they leave. Different behaviors for different people in SPITE of the dementia. It's possible b/c I see it first hand!
Leave your DH where he is. You can always change your mind later on, but for now, leave him be and see how things go. You are right in that dementia and PD do not get better, only worse. "Miraculous" changes don't often happen, let's face it. But manipulative behaviors DO often happen. Consult with his PCP also to get his feelings on how DH is doing and what's going on.
Best of luck.
In a SNF there are many people to provide care around the clock.
And the shifts change so it is not the same person 24/7
You placed him because it was getting more difficult for you to care for him. If you had hired a half a dozen people to help you and be there for both of you around the clock I am sure you would have been able to keep him home. But that is not a viable option for most people.
I was able to keep my Husband home because he was compliant and due to a hip fracture his mobility was limited. But I always said that I would have to place him if at any time it became unsafe for HIM for me to care for him at home OR if it became unsafe for ME to care for him at home. Luckily that never became an issue. And another reason it was not an issue is the house I bought when it became obvious that the old 2 story house was not going to work was built Handicap accessible so I had the wide halls, roll in shower, no carpet and ramps where needed.
Don't second guess your decision.
You can now switch your focus and become an advocate and enjoy the time you spend with your husband when you visit, not having to worry about changing his Depends, moping the floor.
The responses here are totally spot on. Even with dementia people can manipulate to get what they want. They can be nice as pie all day long with some people. Then the second they're around a spouse or one of their adult kids they turn into a wild animal or a complete incoherent invalid who craps on the floor from the dementia.
Also remember that your husband is a different person in the nursing home because the nursing home is a completely different environment than home. He has no one to antagonize at the nursing home. The staff doesn't care if he wants to be ornery or wants someone to fight with. They won't engage. They do their work and move on.
He won't take his diaper off and crap on the floor of the nursing home because he doesn't know if he'll get the reaction and response he wants. He already knows your response though.
Don't take him home. I cannot even stress this enough. You will be so sorry if you let him come home.
While this is hard, I would not bring him back home. With my luck, the day he came home would be the day he reverts back to his previous behaviors.
Just realize that he has reached the point of needing round the clock care which is impossible for you to provide. He is doing better there. AMEN! Now, you can the rest you need and move onto the next stage of both your lives.
Also, keep in mind that he has round-the-clock care by a team of caregivers -- another thing you have not been able to provide. He's also likely a bit of a rule follower and is behaving better for the caregivers there than he would for you. He knows he can push the limits a bit farther with you, but what limits are in the SNF are still a bit of a mystery.
It's not an enormous surprise that he's doing better there in the SNF, and it's unlikely he'll do better than that if he returns home. If he stays there, you'll be freed up to just love on him while moving on in a healthier manner for your own life. You aren't obligated to be there visiting with him during all his waking hours, so take some time for your own interests.