My 75-year-old mother is diabetic, has HBP, several strokes and a mild heartattack and moderate vascular dementia. Over the years she has had incontinence problems and would try to get to the bathroom most of the time, but when we were out all day she wouldn't go to the bathroom even though I'd go 2 times. We would get home and as she would get out of car or to the front door she would stand with her legs apart and have urine running down her legs (her doctor put her on different medications, all to no avail). She would live on Pepsi and ice cream if you let her. She doesn't know what water is. Now that she is living with me, after having rehab at RH and home health at my home, she acts all nicey nice and she gets around and does things on her own with them and then tells me that she WILL NOT do the exercises. When the therapy was done she does enough to get through therapy and no more. This has been her 3rd time being in RH for rehab. Now she uses a rollator as she is so short of breath walking from one room to another and she has to sit down. I let her sit on comode while I clean her up and when I have her stand to pull her clothes up she automatically says I have to sit down. She sure didn't do this for therapy as she wanted them gone. WHAT REALLY BOTHERS ME is she WILL NOT GO TO BATHROOM even when I tell her it's time to go. She says I just went or I don't have to go. You have to go over and push the button on her lift chair and literally MAKE HER GET UP AN GO. She wants to be waited on hand and foot. She wanted a popcicle and I told her it was on the freezer door so she could get it as I was busy changing her bed she said I will. She never did. 2 hours later I made her get up to go to the bathroom and she went right back to her chair and told me to get her one again, to which I reminded her she can still walk and know where they are so she can get it. Still never did. If I give her ice cream, she will put the bowl on floor so my dog eats what is left or she will drop candy papers all down beside her chair. I now have baby ants everywhere. She has done the candy paper thing for years even when she didn't live with me. I am so frustrated with waiting on her hand and foot. She has her meds., food, shower, clothes changed and goes to doctors' before I get to take care of myself, my husband or even my poor old dog. Why is she so lazy? It's like she took care of my dad (with my help) for 1 1/2 year before he went in nursing home and passed 19 months later. It's like she feels a sense of entitlement that she should be taken care of because she took care of my dad. I think she just tries to be even more selfish and demanding than before. I should treat her like she did me when I was a kid playing outside. She'd get tired of me running in and out (being a kid) and she'd lock the door and I'd bang on it wanting to use to bathroom and she wouldn't let me in and I'd have to crap outside. She also slapped me so hard she busted my mouth till it bled and I was only 5, but still remember it. I (being a kid) stuck my tongue out at her and WHAM. She acts like her true colors are coming out. She wants to sit on her butt and be waited on. I'm in worse physical and mental shape than she is and I'm not sure I should even be taking care of her. Sometimes wish I hadn't been raised to think a child should take care of their parent. Don't blame my sister for not wanting to take care of her anymore than she has to or my mother's granddaughters for not even offering to come take her to their house for a couple hours so I could have my little crackerbox house to myself. I love my mother, but I sure don't like her much anymore and at times I get so angry and resentful I wonder if she's safe being in my care. Just being honest. I'm sure lots of you feel the same way but don't want to admit it. I HATE THESE FEELINGS!!
My family also had values that mean we take care of each other and that we never abandon our parents. One sister cared for our mom in her home for a year. When Mom's needs increased we found a good nursing home for her and visited often. We were her advocates. It worked beautifully.
This post is to commend you for trying to do the right thing by your own values. I think, though, that the time has come for you to put those values in practice in a different way.
Please get your mom qualified for Medicaid placement unless she is able to self pay. You are absolutely right, you aren't able to care for her. What you describe is toxic for both of you. Please do come back and vent but only if it seems to help. Your mom may have low oxygen. Pick up an oximeter at the drug store. They are about $30. You can check it and then do deep breathing exercises with her for a few minutes and see if the number comes up. Try this a few times a day. If it is routinely low, say under 96 then tell her dr. She may need oxygen. Those lift chairs are nice if really needed but otherwise they weaken a person's ability to get up and down easily.
When you go out with her, make sure she pees in the pot first and leaves with a dry pull up. No pee. No go. Take the dog out too. Everybody pees. Let it be a new routine. Simple but it works. While out, If you go pee, she should also go. If she won't try. Go home. It will be a pain for you but you have to be realistic for both of you. If you have to, take her back home and then go back out. Get help for house cleaning and/or chores with her. Take your old pooch for a walk, go get a massage. Don't stay in all the time with her. I hope you both feel better soon. You may have to manage her care but you don't have to provide it hands on. Remember that you are choosing to do that. Get your calendar out and make sure you have care scheduled for yourself. Maybe pencil in some time with a therapist to work on the childhood issues that are resurfacing now that you are in this role reversal position.
I would not be buying candy and ice cream if it causes problems with pests not to mention the diabetes. You have health issues but you aren't helpless. Much the same message you have for her. If you notice you are speaking too loudly, take five and take your blood pressure. Pay attention to your self care. This is not easy for any of you.
Or it could be the high blood pressure, heart disease, diabetes and moderate vascular dementia. Can you imagine how a person feels with that dx?
So if you really are in worse physical shape than your mother, you shouldn't be attempting to provide hands-on care for her. The 'raised to take care of your parent' thing ceases to apply when it gets to the stage of being damaging, potentially for both of you. Look for a facility, soon as you can.