My mom who is in a residential care facility receiving palliative care will not sell the family home that she has inherited. It was not her matrimonial home, and she has not lived there since she was in her twenties before she married. She is now 85. She says she can't sell it because it makes her feel close to the people who used to live there, her grandparents and parents. I am finding this a bit morbid. The property is deteriorating, and maintenance is arranged by my aunt who lives nearby and is elderly herself. The house has been vacant of people since my grandmother left it in 2004, but otherwise it is much the same. Dad lives in the matrimonial home and refuses to have anything to do with the property. I am trying to understand my mom's feelings, she has no cognitive impairment. Is this refusal to let go just sentimentality, not wanting to move on from the past, or is there another word or term to describe her view which would help me understand?
F at 84 is doing the best, though he is ducking the big issues - this deteriorating house that isn’t getting sold, and Mom who is in residential care separate from him. M is cared for by resi care, but her inability to be sensible about the house is a big worry. Aunt is propping up F and the house, but is pressuring you to prop her up too. You are propping up the whole situation, and you are understandably feeling ‘overwhelmed’. Where to from here?
This is a situation that either has to fall over by itself, or where you have to push it over. Why wait for a disaster for any of them (including yourself), before things are forced to change? Think about how you can push it over instead. Ways to do it?:
1) Tell Aunt that you will NOT care for her, and you think she should stop maintenance on the house. It's not her own parents' house anyway. Ask her to tell you her own plans for dealing with her increasing old age problems. Suggest that SHE sees a counselor, and offer to go with her. Help her to accept it, but don't volunteer for anything.
2) Tell M and D that you need a POA so that YOU can make the difficult decisions that are too hard for them. If they won’t oblige, take a month off visits and phone calls, so that they can get a handle on what ‘being independent’ really means.
3) Get a selling agent to have a look at the house, and take the lovely photos and videos that selling agents do these days. Show them to M in two batches. One batch is her memories, that she can keep forever. The other batch is pictures of what is going wrong, and how she is destroying how lovely it always was. Then let the selling agent visit M and put the pressure on her to deal with the situation. Selling agents are usually fairly keen. Be sure to mention that A feels that she ‘can’t do it any more’.
4) If none of that works, go ahead with your ‘month off’. Enjoy it!
Visualise all these options. Then find some more of your own. Don’t let them include you offering to do more. Or getting sick, or getting burned out, though pretending might help.
Everyone in are life ask him, WHY, why do you work so hard, why not just sell , but he just won't. It makes him happy, that's all that matters. We also have an old car and truck in are yard , he is going to fix , someday.... When a big tree limb fell on the car, I was thinking, good now we can get rid of it. Nope!! He says it's fixable. Lol
This is just who he is, I new who he was when I started living with him. He is a "good ol boy" it bothers others more than me.
Ya know when or if your mom gives up the house, I think will be actually a sad day for you. You may not realize it but when she gives up the house, it may mean she is giving up on life.
I actually looked up his horoscope once, just for sh&$s and giggles. And it said don't be surprised if he hold on to old cars.
Her memories are of the house before it deteriorated and the people who lived in it 20 years ago. It's a very very different situation from your husband's. I sincerely hope that he wouldn't let the farm stand empty and deteriorating for 20 years.
There's nothing "morbid" about remembering people that were once important to us in this life and that have gone on before us.
So quit trying to rush getting rid of things that are your moms, as these things are hers and she has every right to do with them what she wants.
If your mom is under palliative care, it won't be long that she'll be under hospice care and then she'll die, so just enjoy whatever time you may have left with her and after she's gone you can figure out what to do with her stuff.
That is for you to discuss with her.
I think Aunt needs to tell Mom she can no longer manage the house. You also need to make it clear to the Aunt that you cannot do for her. You have enough on ur plate with Mom and Dad. You work f/t and have very little time for them. She will need to find resources to help her. Start with Office of Aging.
I know my limitations and I won't take on more than I can handle. Mom is being cared for. Maybe find resources for Dad. Remind ur parents that you are on ur own. You need to work. That you don't live close to just drop by. That Dad needs to find and except help from others.
Is your Mom on Medicaid? Is Medicaid aware she inherited this house? I ask because if she is on the deed to the marital home, she may not be able to own the inherited house. She is only allowed to have one exempt property. The home she lived in at time she went on Medicaid. The inherited one may have to be sold to help pay for her care.
If the house is such a condition that is it a hazard or there are violation notices being sent. Tell your mom that repairs have to be made and get estimates for the cost. (That might cause her to change her mind.)
If your mom is cognizant and it is her wish to keep the house then let the matter drop.
Obviously you have no emotional attachment to the house but she does. Let her have her memories and attachments to the past.
Once mom dies then the executor of the Will will follow mom's directions as to what happens to the house. Until then step back.
I don’t know what you or anyone else could possibly say to her about selling it, if she doesn’t want to sell.
Do you have a particular reason for wanting to sell it now? Other than the fact that the house isn’t in good condition?
If you can’t convince her to sell, let it go and deal with selling it later on.
As far as your aunt’s care goes, just tell her that your plate is already full and that you can’t possibly take care of her too.
Your aunt will have to look into finding alternative arrangements for her care.
Wishing you and your family all the best.