Why won't she help herself?

You shouldn't be ashamed - you're venting to strangers and that's one of the best and safest ways to do it. Even if some of those strangers come back at you with unnecessary and unhelpful sanctimony. I do know how you feel and you're not alone. I think part of the problem is that people rarely talk about feeling this way - because they're embarrassed, ashamed, whatever - and so we all think everyone else is out there acting like saints and benevolently helping the elders who are abusing their "honor." Because I don't care how old you are, you still need to give respect to those who deserve it. And be grateful for those who are willing to help you. And, if you're able, to help yourself in ways that you can handle.

Reading a bit far back on this thread (Nov.), these are some of the best expressed rants going! You all explained it very well, covered the issues, and still came out the other end sounding sane! Good for you!

My post seemed harsh, though true. My apologies go out to you! ♥♡

rainbow22, venting is healthy, we've all been there. We are here for you and no need to be ashamed.

Okay, I've re-read what I wrote and I'm ashamed of myself.

Apologies eveyrone. I've reported it so hopefully admin will remove it for me.

Clearly I'm not doing as well as I thought I was.

x

Wow. I'm glad I didn't read some of these answers when I was truly at rock bottom. Wow. We have a mother whose love has always been conditional on my behaving, doing what she wanted me to do, me having to be a "good girl". I'm the third child out of four - out of the others, one is dead, one is overseas and the last one is an hour away. I don't want her to do things for MY convenience, irrespective of the way some of you have interpreted my query. I want her to do things to keep her safe, keep her independent, keep her socialised and alive. She wants ME to do things the way she always has. To suit herself. To sit back like Lady Muck and have her servant tend to her every need. She has no medical issues that prevent her being independent. There is absolutely no need for her to use a wheelchair, but I didn't make that clear. She's just lazy. She's been checked out medically and for dementia etc VERY thoroughly, and there's nothing wrong. No alzheimers. No dementia. No arthritis. No high blood pressure. No heart problems. No lung problems. Nothing. The issues we have are confirmed as "behavioural". Me? I'm epileptic, asthmatic, anxious and prone to panic attacks, about to have a hysterectomy and am trying to run my own business. Now luckily, I've just had a two week holiday. How was it? Oh, my christmas holiday was spent cooking and caring for my father in law, who's 79, has advanced Parkinson's Disease and my mother in law who is on the verge of cracking up completely caring for him on her own (even though her daughter lives next door), whilst comforting my husband who was horrified, distressed and upset at the state we found them both in. I realise that I didn't give much info, and I'm truly grateful for those of you who read between the lines and managed, with my garbled explaination, to understand. I don't want to control my mother. I want her to control herself.

The way I get my mom to do things she doesn't want to do (shower, change clothes, throw her piles of trash in the can) is to take something away that she wants. In her case, it's her keyboard. Mom is only 74, but you would think she's 104. Doctor says it's not dementia. She's just the same person she's always been, stubborn, lazy, etc. As soon as I take the keyboard, she's suddenly able to do anything I ask.

I am glad I made the decision to move into a residence complex. I am in the apartment tower so when I moved in I lived independently, but as age and disability affected me, I have been able to access daily support services Now I have to use a wheelchair when I go out, I am most thankful for the help available. Of course I had to make sacrifices, losing much of my cherished furniture etc. but I am grateful for the feeling of safety and security I have now, plus the blessing of companionship when I want it. We must learn to accept our own limitations and make use of equipment that is available to us. Years ago there were no such things. I am now 92 and appreciate every day.

In my opinion, it is often difficult to honor thy parent if the parent has not honored the relationship enough to do the things necessary to prevent the burden from falling completely on their adult child without guidance or information as to their desires.

My mom has Dementia she will not do anything by herself, and reminds all of us everyday she cannot do anything for herself. I have her in a nursing home where she can get help. But she won't get up and says the same thing over and over again about I can't do anything. I have suggested she get in the wheelchair and let me take her for a stroll. She refuses and says I don't won't to get use to a wheelchair. She doesn't walk very good at all so this makes no sense. But she is 95 years old so I guess arguing is a waste of time.

So glad I saw this thread. Am going through similar things with my almost 79 year old mother who has had 3 heart attacks and early/mid dementia and arthritis. Will not take Tylenol to help with pain even though prescribed by Dr, and using the cane or walker....she "doesn't need it!". I know she wants and deserves to live as she wishes but it is so hard to see her suffer and put herself at risk of falling. She is still living in her home 2 miles from me so I check on her once or twice a day. As the only child of a single parent it is a lot, but the feedback here is helpful, if only to let me know I'm not the only one struggling with theses issues. And a lot if the suggestions will be useful.
Marsalis - I was pretty sure my mom would not wear the lifeline-alert pendant, but she went with the bracelet style and has not taken it off since it was put on. Much more difficult to remove and that can be a good thing! Maybe an idea for your mom?

I would not find out about mom's "slipping out of a chair" until 10 months later!

On this forum, much has been said about what it really means to "honor" an elderly declining parent. Two years ago, my stepfather passed away suddenly. With "the buffer" gone, I got a crash course in just how needy/odd/impaired/intractable my 70-something mother is. No more denial. At the same time, there was no denying this: I'm an only child (40s); I live 30 miles from mom; my job+commute commands 60-80 hrs per week; I cannot run mom's household and mine. My next eye-opener was the parade of people who insisted that I'm The Daughter, therefore I'm The Answer. (I no longer respect those people.) But out of guilt and despair, I spent the better part of every Sat or Sun at mom's. I naively thought we'd de-clutter (half the house is hoarded), get important papers together, periodically pitch the bags full of banana peels that accumulate in the fridge, etc. Nope. My common sense suggestions were met with rages or stony silence. My sole purpose was to be a yes man to mom's paranoid rituals and co-manage her odysseys of slowness. I'll never understand how paying a half-dozen bills, writing 3 greeting cards and making a sandwich can drag into a 5-hour production. But so went my 1-day weekends. All in the service of someone who, I ruefully learned, rarely asked me about my week/work/friends/dear (neglected) partner/etc. All in the service of someone who lost her ability to write 3 years ago, has alarmingly poor balance, can only walk by grabbing walls/furniture and falls several times a week -- yet refuses to see a doctor. I wasn't giving the word "honor" much thought (the bible is not my go-to), but it kept coming up on AC forum. Wow! "Honor" does not mean "annihilate yourself." Instead, I can honor my mother by prioritzing and mobilizing. And your wise words helped me do just that. I shook off the fog and told mom that my aunt (mom's sister) -- who is healthy, retired and lives in the same town -- needs to pick up the slack. I told my aunt the very same thing. They each gave me an earful about how they clash, can't work together, etc. I told them both to Get Over It. I still regularly call mom and check in. I give her a Saturday or Sunday occasionally. I bring fresh milk and pour her expired milk down the drain, despite the howls of protest. I do whatever she wants/needs me to do, at her weird fractured pace. Between aunt and me, mom has groceries, bills get paid, utilities stay on. She's as clean as she wants to be (another saga). Mom doesn't give a crap about companionship and barely converses, so I'll save the "extra mile" for when she has a crisis. And she surely will. In the meantime, wouldn't it be nice if our pathologically self-centered elders made the effort to honor their adult children? I have no idea where mom's important paerwork is. She has all damn day to put her birth certificate, marriage license, IRA, property deeds, tenants' leases, will, POA, medicaire paperwork and life insurance policy in one place. AND tell me where said paperwork is. Pffft. I have a better chance of seeing Bigfoot. (No matter that her POA is outdated/inappropriate. And I have no idea how much life ins she has. Or who the beneficiary is.) Oh, and the longer mom goes without getting a diagnosis for her dexterity/mobility deterioration, the longer she holds MY family health history hostage. Whatever the h*ll is wrong with her, I stand a good chance of inheriting it. And I deserve to know what it is.

Sharadale, yes, and privacy. Don't know why that is so important to me. If I fell in thd garden, I would tell the neighbor that I was just waiting for the stars to come out. What is wrong with lying in the garden anyway? Once, I needed to go to the E.R. with chest pains and I couldn't breathe. To save the embarrassment, I left home and met the paramedics down the street. A neighbor still found us and opened the door of the ambulance to ask if I was ok. Get me outta here, please!

Bravo Sendme. I think about my time as I age. If I end up needing care there are things I will think about. Privacy, mine and my caregivers, independence when it is appropriate, respect bot ways, and dignity.

Reading an article about a close-knit community, a senior called her neighbor to bring her coffee (which the neighbor agreed to do), and when she arrived with the coffee, found her friend had fallen. Apparently, she would rather call for coffee than to say she had a fall and needed help.
There is something universal about this, I think it is called dignity.
We as caregivers could try to understand and make generous alowances for this thing called D I G N I T Y . Offer grace instead of thinking our elders are trying to get to us.

I am turning 60 this year and I take care of my 90 year old Mom who has COPD and is a fall risk. Last year she was living on her own, driving, and running everything at her church. One day she and another woman were carrying a table and she was walking backwards and fell against something and got a cracked rib for her trouble. That was when we all decided she was moving in. I had wanted her to for over 12 years but she had her life which I totally respect. She was doing okay when she came to live with us, but then she got pneumonia and was hospitalized and but in a rehab for three months. She was considered a fall risk and I told her that the only way she would be allowed to come home would be if she promised to use the walker ALL the time.
I have noticed her walking on her own lately because she is getting stronger, but she is still a fall risk and she told me today that she broke the laundry hamper earlier falling into it backwards. After probing I found that she was not using her walker. We will have a little talk tonight.

I think there's a big difference between elderly people not being told what to do (which I understand completely), and refusing to do anything to help themselves for other reasons. My mom lives with and takes care of my dad, who has Alzheimer's, and I know that's very hard (especially because she's not in the greatest of health herself). But any suggestion I make that might make it easier (for instance, wake Dad up earlier and send him to adult day care sometimes), she says she can't, for one reason or another. She also needs to be on anti-depressants, as she's been clinically diagnosed with depression and anxiety. She refuses to take those meds because she insists she doesn't need them. And it's hard to hear her constantly complaining about how miserable she is, how hard it is, how overwhelmed she is, when I know that at least a bit of the problem would be lessened if she'd just take her prescribed meds. It's also hard to want to help her, sometimes, when she just seems to want to continue demanding help instead of taking care of herself properly. Rainbow22 - it's such a difficult situation, and it's made worse by the guilt we feel for feeling this way.

Spookily, I am in a virtually identical situation. Mum is v. much in denial and I feel I am fighting her all the time (hearing aids, pills, driving etc..) I'm not sure if her poor memory/forgetfullness is due to early-stage dementia or natural decline in old age? but for now I am trying to bite my tongue and let her do her own thing (as suggested a number of times in this thread!?)My rational being that it's her life and although it is very frustrating and I am committed to caring for her 24/7 I must relinquish control. I try to get out as much as possible so her antics don't get under my skin. It is so frustrating when one thinks one knows best but have to resist the temptation to 'intefere' (although it seems to us to be for the best?) Take care and I am certain things will sort themselves out in the fullness of time. Sorry not to be more helpful. God bless.

Well, unless we die prematurely, we all reach that point where we'll need a cane, then a walker. then a walk-in bathtub, then prehaps a sanitary pad. Do any of us want this? Certainly not! But we all know the alternative ia six feet under.

Reading these stories, I am so sympathetic to the caregivers. I am also thankful that I made my own decision to come into a Seniors Residence 11 years ago, where I receive wonderful care, but I know before too long I will need LTC. (I am now 92) It is too bad when seniors a re too stubborn,( or mentally impaired) to know when they need help and be grateful for it.

Beenthere60, I am so sorry for you that you are having to go through this difficult time and facing the future prospect of more difficulties. I would though like to try to give you an idea of what it might have been like for your Aunt 10 years ago.
8 years ago my soul mate died very unexpectedly, I was becoming increasingly disabled and could not access the 1st floor of our 3 bedroom terrace house I knew that he was a hoarder and until 4 years after his death I had no idea how bad the upstairs was. My only family was my sister who was not in the country and our friends sadly resembled snowflakes in summer following the funeral.
Gradually I got less able to care for myself, our home was old and the electrics started to fail so that only some sockets worked and no lights. The boiler failed so no central heating (I did have coal fire in main room) or hot running water. I lived like this for 2 years, I was so overwhelmed I had no idea how to start to change things and I was so grief stricken I couldn't think of leaving our home.
Finally Social Services (I live in UK) was called by someone and my home of 39 years was declared unfit for human habitation. It totally broke what was left of my heart. I was shown some 1 bedroom flats in sheltered accommodation, with tiny kitchens off the living room because a restaurant was provided on the ground floor so residents didn't need to cook. There was a hairdresser on sight and a multitude of activities available. Those trying to help me saw a beautiful little flat, easy to take care of and with cleaning staff. They saw lots of lovely people for me to spend my time with, and safety because I would be checked on daily.
I saw a prison. A prettily decorated prison, but prison none the less. No pets aloud, yet all my adult live I'd had a dog, a cat or hamster, chameleon, bearded dragon. Now I couldn't even have a goldfish. I like to socialise but I like my own company too, now I'd have people around all the time. I'd lived in a 3 bedroom, 2 reception room house with conservatory + 100' garden. Now not even a window box. Ok. I couldn't care for my house and garden but it was such a huge step for me to accept, I couldn't and I refused to accept a place even though I knew there were only 5 places left.
Instead I lived in one room in a friends flat for 18 months, the relationship became abusive, I was only aloud out of my room to use the bathroom or 10 mins every other day to get food, it turned out my friend was in early stages of dementia.
Once again SS stepped in and I was told that I was running out of options, I looked at a 1 bedroomed ground floor flat (bigger than the sheltered accommodation) I could have one cat. It wasn't suitable then for my disabilities but I said yes and I'm just about managing 2 years on.
My point is I know people thought and still think I was wrong to turn down Prospect Place, I know they saw/see it as a wonderful place and for some it is. But for me it meant saying I was old, accepting that I needed a lot of help just to be. It meant giving up ever having the solace of a pet again. It meant the end of my dreams.
Now I am needing more help to stay in my flat, I'm caring for my widowed BIL who has dementia and my life is harder than it would have been. But I don't regret holding out, luckily I'm not yet being a burden to others. But letting go and facing getting older is not always easy. For me acknowledging my demise and joining my beloved is a heck of a lot easier than getting frailer and more dependent on others. By the way I'm 58 years old and I know from my beloved adopted Grandparents who fought to stay in their home until the end age 86 & 89 letting go doesn't get easier.

I knew my mom had some dementia but it was really no big deal, she still did everything she always did. I realized that the dementia was worse then I thought when she told me she was bathing and I knew she wasn't. My sister would run her a bubble bath and wait outside the bathroom then tell me mom took a bath. Wrong! She had the same makeup smear on her cheek the next day and she didn't smell clean. This is when we discovered that my forgot what she needed to do to take a bath. Once I started helping her she was s new person and so appreciative of the help. Sometimes I think that the things we have been doing forever just don't come that easily anymore with the elderly. Was it fear if water, fear of falling, not being able to get out of the tub or just forgetfulness, I will never know. This incident made me realize that it wasn't that mom just wouldn't take a bath, but rather she forgot how to do it. This changed my whole perspective of what was to come and how i handled it. I know it isn't easy but try and be patient😊.

dragonbait---I imagine all these responses are difficult for you to see and I am sorry. While I respect that my 95-year old Aunt has a right to live her life and make her own choices, her past bad decisions affects the only family member left—me. My Aunt had a great deal of money and would accept no help managing anything. After her husband died she had the money to go into a perfectly beautiful step-down facility that was only 1/2 mile from me and back then, my Mom and Dad (her brother). She would have started with her own apartment and still have her car. But she said NO, she didn’t want to go into a nursing home. We visited several so that she could see the kind of place available and she still said NO. Now, 10 years later she has spent all the money, has fallen many times and is living in my home because she doesn't want to go to a facility. When she moved in here I could have refused but I love her and I know how against a NH she is and the fears she has surrounding it. Had I known then what I know now about the challenges of being a caregiver, I would not have agreed. And, now with her sight almost gone and her hearing almost gone, there isn’t much for her to do. Had she gone into that beautiful facility she would have people around her all the time and plenty of activities. The sad thing is, when she does have to go, and she will because I cannot care for her 24/7 and there is no money for hiring help, I don't know what kind of place they will put her in as she will be on Medicaid. So, rainbow22, though you must recognize your Mom’s right to make her own choices, you can begin to set your boundaries NOW. Listen to the sage advice given here about how to begin taking care of yourself in this process. Because if you think it is difficult now, multiply that by 10 and you are taking a look into your future. I love my Aunt but regret making this commitment. I truly had no idea what I was agreeing to.

I see the same thing with my mom, who is 82 but does not have dementia. She just can't accept that she's aging and needs help in the form of devices (like a bath chair) or people. Instead, she simply avoids the things (like bathing) that she can't do without assistance.

As I was healing from a broken and replaced hip, it became necessary for me to use a walker. I didn't want to use it when I was shopping as it was awkward. However, I reconsidered when I determined that other folks in the store would see the walker and not expect me t go speeding through the aisles, or would not crowd me as I gimped along.
Perhaps suggesting to your loved one that the walker would actually help others to be more careful in her presence, thereby making it safer for her would persuade her to use a walker or at least a cane.
There are walkers that have armrests, because that is what mine had.

We have been there for 10 years for my mother. Vstefans is exactly right. They won't admit they need help because they won't accept, let alone admit they are old. It is not easy. You do what you can, but there is no forcing a senior, especially one with dementia. Mom has been her own worst enemy for 20 years. She either argued or agreed and then did exactly what she wanted.

This worked with my mother, who had no dementia and wasn't THAT stubborn. Maybe worth a try.
"Yes, you don't really need the cane right now, but if you can get used to it now, and learn how to use it now, while you are younger and stronger, it will work better if you do need it in the future." She agreed, and I'm sure it saved her a few falls. She walked a mile the day before she died.

Also threaten them with a commode or a bedpan. "If you don't stay strong, you will be pooping in a bucket for someone else to clean up."

There's no guarantee anything will work. Have courage, my friend.

SacFol, that was a wonderful idea. It makes me think of the fancy cains with flowers for ladies and the cool carved walking stick the men like. There are a lot of cool looking aids out there maybe one of those would be better received. I went into Binsons a large medical supply store and the choices were endless, even a hot pink scooter. These make them feel special when people notice its to compliment them on " that cool cain". Worth a try.

In working with the elderly of this generation I have noticed so many are in denial about the aging process. Sometimes the idea of hearing aids and walkers seems to trigger a kind of panic in them. I've even heard a few say things like, "That stuff is for old people!" It is as if there is a sort of shame associated with aging for them and to be seen walking with a cane or a walker would feel humiliating.

On the other hand, there are elders who want to be more dependent on others and resist assistive devices such as walkers, canes and hearing aids to get more attention from their caregivers. In your mom's case that seems to be the idea. She'd rather you push her in a wheelchair than exert the effort to walk. She'd rather you have to yell at her or come close to talk to her than get hearing aids. I've seem some elders use their lack of hearing as an excuse to not go out of the house; can't hear at church, so why go? Won't go to the senior center because she can't hear what anyone's saying, etc...Allowing her to get more and more dependent on you is not a good idea. Remember the old saying, "Use it or lose it"? In old age it is SOOOOO true. If she stops walking on outings, she'll eventually lose strength in her legs, then she'l have a hard time going from sitting to standing and won't even be able to go to the toilet by herself. Encourage her to do more for herself by refusing to do it for her. It is hard to watch them struggle and not step in to help, but sometimes you have to just sit on your hands and let them do things on their own--even if it takes them a long time to get it done.