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By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington. Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services. APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid. We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour. APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment. You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints. Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights. APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.I agree that: A.I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information"). B.APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink. C.APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site. D.If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records. E.This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year. F.You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
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Mostly Independent
Your loved one may not require home care or assisted living services at this time. However, continue to monitor their condition for changes and consider occasional in-home care services for help as needed.
Remember, this assessment is not a substitute for professional advice.
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My wife never did like having me pull her pants down, that is at toilet time :-) so I used a combination of wheedling, cajolery and brute force. Mainly I got on my knees and whipped her pants down before she could object. The pants/panties were down, before she could say, “Don’t do that.” She still said it but too late. Ahh too bad dirty shame. I always apologized but it wasn’t necessarily readily accepted. None the less……….. Of course you must be diligent and vigilant and ready to move when the opportunity arises.
Next up on my feet and sat her down. Now performance of THAT operation is for another discussion.
Is your wife refusing assistance from everyone, or just from you? If only you have tried, it might well be worth seeing if she'll co-operate better with someone more nurse-like or maternal - do you have friends or family to call on?
I’d like to say to the OP that my method described above was not just a cute tactic. It was born from exhaustion, desperation, experience and consideration of the alternative. Pulling no punches the alternative was to leave her in her upholstered chair which would result in a big mess not only in/on the chair (or other location) but across the living room and hall carpet, the bathroom floor and both our clothings. Most likely just when it’s time to fix dinner.
The momentary indignity for her affected me deeply, was never easy to inflict, and every single time I had to psyche myself up for the task. I loved my wife. Both in our 80’s. You will have to learn to do what you gotta do. What ever it is. You’ve a tough road ahead.
I suggest calling her primary care doctor and requesting homecare. They have a team who can come in, including nurses, social worker, PT, etc, but what would be most helpful for you immediately is the professional who comes in 3 days a week to wash patients. (Make sure the Homecare agency has one that does this. Not all do. Request another, if not.) They are good at their job.
The homecare PT can do exercises and recommend ways to make getting around the house easier for your wife. (Maybe a commode by the bed would reduce incontinence?) The nurse can provide samples of products and discuss how to prevent infection down there. The Social worker can explore local services such as a female aide who comes in a few hours a week on a long term basis to help out with intimate tasks your wife might be more comfortable doing with a professional caretaker than her loving husband.
Otherwise, I like qmnpxl’s answer. Just find a way to do it. Joke, cajole, do whatever is appropriate for your dynamic and works. Over time, it becomes easier for both of you. Also, go to the pharmacy and buy Depends for her. There are some that look like panties and others that are clearly diapers.
Move to pull-ons if necessary by throwing away all other nickers, and get care in to ensure she is helped to wash at least daily, a lot of people are for some reason embarrassed to have partners help with toilet issues. Get Dr to do cognitive assessment if one has not been done, it may just be age, it may be dementia reaching a point where she is not understanding. Commode nearby is useful but not if she is not removing nickers before toileting.
Unfortunately you’re in a hard place but maybe ask family or friends to stop by and speak to her on a personal level to help in this process. You could also consult with her physician to expl that hygiene is the most important concern to keep healthy. It also sounds like some kind of Dementia is starting and you can ask for an assessment to be done to determine if you can have some help a few hours a day to get her back on track and work with you on this concern. I wish I could suggest more but without just doing the process of removing her depends and placing With clean ones. sometimes speaking to her when not on the commode about changes and let’s try together to do this, you will need outside help. Some spouses don’t want their loved one to help in that area. Wishing that something soon will change.
In addition I purchased an additional peritoneal wash spray that connects to your toilet and you can clean her properly after she does her business. My mom loved it and much less expensive than a bidet commode.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
I didn't have this problem, maybe someone else has and can help.
My wife never did like having me pull her pants down, that is at toilet time :-) so I used a combination of wheedling, cajolery and brute force. Mainly I got on my knees and whipped her pants down before she could object. The pants/panties were down, before she could say, “Don’t do that.” She still said it but too late. Ahh too bad dirty shame. I always apologized but it wasn’t necessarily readily accepted. None the less……….. Of course you must be diligent and vigilant and ready to move when the opportunity arises.
Next up on my feet and sat her down. Now performance of THAT operation is for another discussion.
The momentary indignity for her affected me deeply, was never easy to inflict, and every single time I had to psyche myself up for the task. I loved my wife. Both in our 80’s. You will have to learn to do what you gotta do. What ever it is. You’ve a tough road ahead.
The homecare PT can do exercises and recommend ways to make getting around the house easier for your wife. (Maybe a commode by the bed would reduce incontinence?) The nurse can provide samples of products and discuss how to prevent infection down there. The Social worker can explore local services such as a female aide who comes in a few hours a week on a long term basis to help out with intimate tasks your wife might be more comfortable doing with a professional caretaker than her loving husband.
Otherwise, I like qmnpxl’s answer. Just find a way to do it. Joke, cajole, do whatever is appropriate for your dynamic and works. Over time, it becomes easier for both of you. Also, go to the pharmacy and buy Depends for her. There are some that look like panties and others that are clearly diapers.
Maybe OP would consider paying an aide out of pocket each week to help her bath. Maybe she would feel more comfortable with a woman washing her.
I wish I could suggest more but without just doing the process of removing her depends and placing With clean ones.
sometimes speaking to her when not on the commode about changes and let’s try together to do this, you will need outside help. Some spouses don’t want their loved one to help in that area. Wishing that something soon will change.