I have a developing situation I am not sure how to handle. Any help giving me ideas would be appreciated. First off a little back ground. My Father took ill about two years ago. He passed away about a year ago. For one year I moved him near me in Florida and took care of him. The one thing he had going for him was he had some money so it was not on me. I had to liquidate his assets and took it on the nose because he lived in Michigan and things there are stupid hard to sell at any kind of fair price. But I did it and my wife helped me along the way.
Now to the existential problem today. My wife's family father and mother are ill. Her Mother has Alzheimer, I know unless there is an autopsy you can not know this but it sure fits the bill. She is 75 and forgets things from moment to moment. Her father is 79 and is doing his best to take care of her. They live about 600 miles away in a small town in Tenn. They bought an old farm house and my wife's sister and two kids 21 and 17 live with her all in the same small farm house. Her sister and two kids get the down stairs and her parents live in the attic they converted into a small one bed apt with bath and small kitchenette. It is getting to a point that they are going to have a hard time making it up and down the stairs. They also have no funds as they were and still are Jehovah's Witnesses. I can remember arguing years ago they needed to save money for retirement and was told the end was near so they did not need to worry about this. I can not say much as spilt milk is spilt milk and to say I told you so does nothing to fix problems. It just makes me mad as I left this cult many years ago over just this kind of crap and started to save money for retirement albeit later than I should have. My father in law quit his job back in the 70s at General Motors and moved to Northern Michigan to "spread the word" I.E BS of the cult. He would have about 1700 a month extra if he would have stayed in and retired from GM.
That said My wife's sister does not work, she is 45 years old and stays in bed for most of the day every day and supposedly suffers from depression. I can not say this is not so but it seems she is very lazy. I used to arguer with her also years ago that you need to plan for the future and was told the end was near bla bla bla. Now she is divorced with one kid who she gets a small amount of money a month for the next year till she is 18. She lives off of my wife's parents. They only bring in 1600 a month on SS.
My wife went to visit a few weeks ago and her father was asking in a round about way to help. I refuse to help her sister or kids not out of any malice but out of our preservation. I also am not going to let her throw money at her parents due to this being a temporary fix that will not fix anything but delay the inevitable. I do not know if it would even help for her to move near them to help take care of her mother. I just do not see a good way to help. We were looking at retiring to Arkansas and bought property there and could build the house with a finished basement to move her parents but I don't think they will move.
I told my wife off the top of my head that her parents need to call the local social worker to see what is available. People who are on Medicaid can get medicare and on social security can get SSI if they are desperate enough. Also meals on wheels and if one of her sisters kids can take care of their grandmother sometimes they can qualify to get paid to do so if they are in need of special care. First off they need to exhaust the provisions of the Government. I feel I owe my wife but I also know you row a boat into the middle of drowning people and you will get swamped and drown yourself. I feel this is a no win situation.
But my best advice is as stated several times above.. don't do it!!
Just wondering, as some of these types of groups have some very unusual beliefs. (and for anyone who's religious, don't take offense. The issue is one that's germane to Ed's question and is not addressed to the validity or nonvalidity of any religious group.)
And even if only one of the parents has dementia, it's unlikely that the other senior, who has limited mobility, would be able to care for a dementia patient in the home. And it's also unlikely that a bedbound depressed person, like your wife's sister, would be able to provide complete care in the home for a dementia patient.
I would seek legal counsel from an attorney in their state who knows Medicaid and Social Security Law (disability) to see just what resources all of the parties may have. For example, when calculating for Medicaid purposes, how many incomes are included? They may include all the money that comes into the house, even their adult daughter.)
Plus, there may be issues of the people who are living in the house when the parents have to go to long term care. Can they continue to live there? Who pays the taxes?
I guess the parents don't have a Durable Power of Attorney. If not, there may be issues of taking control and seeing that the parents get appropriate care and there is the sister who is depressed and in bed. It may be sensitive, but if the parties were to receive the resources that they are entitled to, maybe the burden would be lifted and your wife wouldn't feel so helpless.
Frankly, I think your wife's aunt has allowed her situation to evolve b/c of her own actions or inactions, and I agree that consideration of helping her shouldn't be done. She isn't going to change.
As to your in-laws, I suspect the same situation exists. If your wife were to move closer, she'd not only be away from you and intellectual stability, but would be so much under the influence of her parents who don't think independently and haven't made good plans for their retirement. This would be like an emotional, psychological and financial quicksand for your wife.
I do think that what she can do is assist them in applying for Medicaid and to research other programs that might help. Tennessee may have an elder law state agency, there should be an Area Agency on Aging in their area. Both are good resources for what programs might be available.
I would say let you and your wife's contribution be the research, contacts and channeling her parents toward assistance. But don't do more than that; don't move there, don't invite them to your home or even your area as I suspect you will quickly regret that.
(I've read your post 2 -3 times, so I hope I have understood all the dynamics and issues, but am really not sure that I have!)