My dad has moderate dementia , severe incontinence and requires 24/7 care. We placed him in NH in September. He still weeps, begs to come home, says he is so so sorry for whatever he did. Etc. it just breaks my heart. We chose a NH close to us and he is visited twice a day. It is not the best facility to say the least and we have witnessed verbal abuse. Our family is going through hell and so us dad. He also was not happy with home health care all the folks coming in and out upset him and us. I cry daily over the whole horrible situation. I have a family. I even quit my job to care for dad before NH. My mom took care of dad until she passed and she never wanted him to be in nursing home. I have contacted multiple agencies and they only offer help a few hours a week. It just seems there are no good choices. Read is becoming combative to the nurses so now they have him drugged up and in bed all day. Help!
I will say that the first Assisted Living I placed my cousin, who has severe Dementia and now bladder incontinence, was not a good fit. They were highly recommended, but something was off. It seemed there were always issues. The staff would call me a lot with simple issues that they should have dealt with. She also had numerous falls and trips to the ER while there. After about 4 months, I moved her to a Secure Memory Care Unit. The change was immediate. Her health improved. She seems more secure and content. The staff actually knows how to care for her and talk to her.
The director at the Memory Care Unit, told me that no one there stays in bed during the day. They are gotten up every morning and placed in their wheelchair, if they can't walk. They are taken to activities and meals through out the day. I don't know if your dad would qualify, but I would look into it. He may fare better if he had his mind stimulated and had something to occupy his time each day. Plus, being with kinder people who really understand dementia would help.
Humans need love and a feeling of purpose and connection. To not have control to get those things is an abuse in and of itself, but how do we as caregivers help? I ask myself daily "Am I doing the best I can to care for my mom and keep her safe?" Living with me is not the answer. We have to do the best we can. Visiting 2X a day is a wonderful thing. I agree that you might want to drop in at unannounced times and take notes. Heck, use your phone's recorder to record verbal abuse... Sending a blessing for peace your way. But know that YOU are doing the best you can and that's all any of us can do. Be gentle with yourself.