Mom is 93. She is relatively healthy with no major health problems. She lives in her own home with no outside help. I have tried many times to enlist home care but she fires them or refuses to let them in. I live an hour away and call her everyday. I visit once a week for 5-6 hours. (Total of 8 hours when you account for travel time) I work full time and sometimes don’t get home from these visits until 9 or 10 o’clock at night. I’m 60 years old myself and it’s getting more difficult to do it all myself. Mom refuses any help. She could use some help with bathing, laundry and meal prep. Which I do when I come. She eats mostly frozen dinners. But the worst part of it all is that she is CONSTANTLY manipulating me about moving into my home. I have very clearly told her that that is not an option and that if she wants to move closer to me I would be happy to show her some places. I have said this repeatedly. Which was very difficult at first but has gotten slightly easier. Still hard on me. I think she thinks that by refusing other help she will eventually get in a situation where I have no choice. She keeps testing the fences with guilt trips and manipulation. I’m soooooooooooooooooo tired. It’s been 9 years of this. I really do feel guilty about not taking her in but to be honest, I don’t want to. And that’s part of the guilt. I just had a grandchild. My only one so far and I would like to enjoy this time. I sacrificed for my children my whole life and now that they are on their own I would like to enjoy some time for myself. My husband is completely opposed to bringing her in but says he will “live with it” if she comes. I know she will tear us apart and wear me down to nothing. Problem now is that she wants to “visit” us for extended times. Or she says she is lonely and “can I come and stay for a while?” How can you say no to that? And every time she has a health issue, minor surgery, sickness etc she comes and stays with me and then acts like a beaten puppy when I take her home. The last thing she hinted at was that she would save up her pills and kill herself because “I didn’t want her”. How do I deal with all this. I’m at the end of my rope with her.
Seek out a GOOD therapist who can help you and support you in your decisions! No one, not even a parent, has the right to make these demands and threats. A therapist will help you reach a good place where you can accept whatever she chooses to do.
Your main focus needs to remain keeping your family intact and not living under a constant cloud of guilt. That constant cloud of guilt can be very emotionally damaging to you and your family.
If you need to walk away completely in order to maintain your own health, then do so! You have offered some good options, and she has refused them - that is her decision, and she needs to learn to live with those decisions.
Thank you my2cents.
You need to take better care of YOU.
Do consider giving your mother a different option.
If your mom owns her own home outright -- no mortgage or rent -- that may well be something she is unwilling to give up; however, if she had a potentially better alternative, she might be more willing to consider selling her home and moving nearer to you without moving in with you.
One option to consider is to begin looking for an assisted living situation for your mom, perhaps in the same town in which you live or at least closer -- somewhere where she would have a private room but where others would do the cooking and cleaning and laundry for her and even dispense her meds. She wouldn't be as lonely because she'd be required to interact with others her own age and in her same situation if only as she goes to meals.
Assisted living facilities usually offer transportation to and from medical appointments and often provide for weekly shopping trips. Hopefully, your mom could get involved in some activity the assisted living home offers -- exercise classes, arts/crafts classes, bingo, field trips, etc.
The two of you could share a meal once weekly -- at your home or in a restaurant -- but she'd have her own life and you and your husband could better enjoy yours -- and with you having less travel time and her making new friends, you might find visiting her less stressful and actually want to make more trips to see her.
Check for state agencies that serve the needs of the elderly. You might also check with the social services office at a nearby county hospital or your local Department of Family and Children's Services as to where to begin your search.
Everyday is a guilt trip about how bad her life is.
Finding her a place near you would be a good option. Don’t give up your time with kids and grandkids.
No, you are not alone. MANY people are in the same or similar situations. It is comforting knowing it isn't YOU who is the problem!!!
I agree with most of the responses saying no way to moving in.
I also agree with cutting back on contact/visits AND having mom come to stay/visit. That last option is one that can backfire easily. She can use it for more blackmail (see, I stayed here and was no problem!) or perhaps come up with a faux illness, requiring a longer stay! If she's ill or recuperating from a medical condition, perhaps live at HER place, but it would be best to avoid both situations. Since you are working, either someone comes in or she needs to be in a place that can care for her while she recuperates. THOSE are her choices.
Our mom was early 90s living in her own condo when dementia crept in. Initially it was okay, but over a short time I had to take over finances (making mistakes), then take the car (OH, that was a biggie!) I would visit/take her shopping, etc (1.5 hour away), sometimes on my way home from work (slight detour), but was laid off so it became more difficult to do! I also tried making meals for her, as I realized that despite buying food to prepare meals, she was relying on frozen dinners too (couldn't remember she had food or how to prepare it.)
The original plan was to bring in help. She didn't need help with day-to-day ADLs, but I wanted some oversight and to get her used to having people come in. It was 1 hr/day, as a sanity check and to ensure she took her meds from the timed dispenser. We let her think Medicare paid for this (they do cover some care, but it has to include personal care and she refused that.) After a few months she refused to let them in.
Time to look for a safe place - no way for me to take her in, for many reasons, including that I would not be able to put up with her 24/7! Brothers learned how much it costs and said Hey, I could do this for that kind of money! No they could not. BAD idea, but thankfully it never went any further than that.
My recommendation, stated above - reduce the calls/contact. Calls every day may be okay, but not if it is a long protracted conversation, and not if she starts the guilt trips! Cut the duration, frequency and certainly cut her off if she starts what you don't want to deal with. Many excuses can be used - Oops, pot's boiling over, gotta run! Oh no, my battery is almost dead, will call you later! Get creative!
While I realize it's a long commute to her place, can you break up the visits to maybe less time but twice/week? Or just cut the length of the one visit down? Does she really need 5-6 hours of help/care? Working full-time gets in the way of trying multiple visits, but if it's anywhere near your current commute, shorter, more frequent visits, if necessary, might be better... I would sometimes stop by during my commute, when I was still working. I also did not call every day. We had neighbors in the condo area who would be in touch if they felt the need was there.
Is it possible to arrange the outside help to come when you are there? If it's a weekend, it will cost more, but if you are there, she will find it hard to refuse to let them in or throw them out, especially if you say you've hired them to help YOU! Let them do laundry and some meal prep. Shouldn't take 5+ hrs to do, so leave when they leave. Take a load off your visits! Consider meals on wheels.
As for cajoling you to move in - simplest answer is No. If you to, say 'I've said no and no means NO!' If she continues to harangue you, just sit/stand and look at her - no response. If need be, leave (if on the phone, find excuse to hang up and DO IT!)
I'm wouldn't offer the "move closer", unless it's AL. But, what's to stop her from walking to your place? Moving closer can mean less stress on you because less time, however it means she CAN demand more of your time!
Final suggestion - NO GUILT! You're doing what you feel is best and NO ONE needs to be brow beaten!
I've had it with my Dad in the past. Talk of "ending it all", "no-one will miss me" etc. As I've said before, hes had a good few fake hospital admissions too.
Worse mistake I ever made was a few years ago. He'd been ill (but not that bad) over xmas. He'd come to our house (i.e. I drove 30 mins to pick him up, bring him back, take him home afterwards) for xmas day (was well enough to eat his dinner!)
I took him home later and he laid it on - "wasn't going to make it till the GP opened after the holidays", "was going to call an ambulance", "couldn't breathe and had chest pains". I spent hours with him - all the while my kids were sat at home wondering where their Dad was to play with them on xmas day (I saw my 4 year old for about 30 mins that day).
Of course, he was fine. Wife wasn't happy. Kids hadn't seen me all day. Regret ever letting him do that to me.
Hopefully these are just cases of the apple did not fall far from the tree.
And yes my parents were far from perfect but I still took care of them.
They did not have to give me guilt trips to try to get my attention.
Omg, I will have to get off this site because it is more toxic than helpful.
God help us, if we don’t even have compassion for our own parents, never mind the world we are living
in today. Family up!
I’m finding our parents, who were at one time hopefully good parents, become like children as they get older and we, the caretakers have to apply wisdom when necessary. Just as our parents didn’t let us eat too many sweets for spoiling our dinners and ruining our teeth, we also need to use wisdom and not cave when they are requesting things that will also cause dire consequences.
Too much sugar equals rotten teeth and a dentist visit with a co-pay and out of pocket fees. Manipulative parent in the home? Far more is to be lost like tense home life, strained marriage, loss of boundaries, stress and emotional pain that’s leads to mental pain and physical repercussions.
KEEP HER OUT YOUR HOUSE.
My parents and mom's sisters families took in my grandmother, but she was so easy to care for - no trouble whatsoever and they took turns, maybe several months at a time. The parents and siblings were also much younger, maybe 50s? Many of us are older than that, some into their own retirement with limited finances, etc.
Do either of you know anyone who is living in an assisted living facility? If so, take her with you to visit the person and allow the person to show you all around and see the activities.
Perhaps she's just lonesome and looking for company more so than she did in the past. My mom always talked about how long each day was when you are just biding time all day in the house. Especially when she used to drive here, there, and yonder to stay busy all day.
Bottom line- if your mother is healthy- then live for your life. Maybe being more alone and vulnerable, she will finally one day agree to go to an assisted living, or a trip to the dr will recommend it.
Do not bring her into your home. Start making other arrangements for the times when she needs extra help after a health issues. Hire someone to care for her in her own home. I swore I would take a second job to help financially if needed rather than take my mother into my home. She would have ruined all our lives.
If she threatens suicide call 911. Those threats are what got mother into a geriatric psychiatric hospital where she needed to be for assessment, treatment and proper placement.
Good luck. Look after yourself and your family. Your needs are important too. Your mum's care does not have to come solely from you.
My mom sucks the life out of everyone who comes near her. My MIL gives as generously as she takes.
My mom goes to the ER at least twice a month for no reason except she wants attention. My MIL only goes to the doctor/hospital when it is medically necessary, though she will regale anyone who will listen with the drama of it for years.
My mom threatens to drop dead whenever I don't do things to suit her. My MIL may not like the way we do everything, but she doesn't threaten to die.
My mom talks at me, not with me, and if anyone disagrees with her worldview they are scum. My MIL talks at me, too, but she is also a decent listener when we really need her to be.
When I call out my mom on her passive-aggression, she gets angry, gives me the silent treatment, and slams things around like a child. When my husband and I call out my MIL on her passive-aggression, she laughs.
My MIL would die for her family. My mom would kill everyone on the planet to stay alive herself.
These are some reasons why a regular narcissist can be a pain in the took but still tolerable, while a malignant narcissist is evil and a danger to all.
And, yes, malignant narcissists live forever. My mom is 92, healthy as a horse and totally independent, while I've been exhausted for 56 years.
I applaud you allowing mom to make her own decision's here and if you feel she is cognitively capable of that then she is also fully responsible for the consequences. You have offered to move her closer which would not only make things easier for you it would enable you to be around more but she has made the decision not to, her choice not yours. You have offered and arranged for help with the things that would make life easier for her, give her some company and human interaction on a day to day basis, she chooses to be lonely. Truth is you taking an entire day a week to cater to her needs is more than you need to do and if you decided to curtail that you would have nothing to feel guilty about. As long as you are doing everything you can (within reason) to make sure she is safe and her basic needs are met you are caring for your mom and have nothing to feel inadequate about. I totally get how hard this will be and that it might not be possible but maybe not working so hard to meet all of her needs, the ones someone else could be, the way she wants will force her to accept a change whether it be moving or allowing caregivers in, if she isn't able to get her laundry done and meals made when she needs them maybe it will encourage her to bend a bit. No doubt she will work you hard but if you aren't able to jump you aren't able, it doesn't mean you are abandoning her and I was going to say you aren't leaving her to her own devices but actually I guess you are and that's the point, she has the control to get her needs met just not all by you physically. You don't have to say "I don't want to" you just say I can't physically do that but I can arrange to make sure it get's done. I can't move you in but I would love to move you closer and even if I could move you in I would need help caring for your needs and none of us would be as comfortable, you don't want to have to fit into our day to day lives mom you would have to give up your independence. We are going through a similar thing in that my mom is very resistant to having a hired someone come in to help so my brother isn't running up every other day, what she just doesn't seem to see is that having someone else come in will give her more freedom, keep her more independent from us not less!
Purposely manipulative or not, pleasure being that way or not (it may simply be driven by fear) you need to stop enabling her to manipulate you and either turn the tables a bit or simply give her the options and abide by her informed choices. NO GUILT! Enjoy that grandchild, you won't get this time back.
Momstogo - your 93 year old mother is a classic Narcissist! And, I had two brothers who didn't help me, as they lived 9 hours away and didn't back me up when I told them she should be in a care facility. Finally they backed me up and she was in an independent living/care home for the last two years. I still had to do a LOT for her, but it wasn't as bad as when she lived in her own home and I had to do ALL the yard work, house work, her hair, her nails, her shopping, painting the 3 decks, windows, etc., Also taking her to Dr. (when she wasn't too stubborn to go) She even fell once, hurt her neck and refused to go to a nursing home where they could look after her professionally and I had to live with her 24/7 for four months. She nearly killed me. I was suffering so much stress that I became an emotional eater. Went up to nearly 200 pounds on a small 5'5" frame. Since she was in the independent living home it helped my stress level so much I got back down to my normal 125 pounds, but it took me those 2 years.
Momstogo. Tell your brothers they MUST back you up as the stress is too unhealthy for you. They must help you move her. Time to love yourself enough to really get strong and put your foot down. Easier said than done, but you have a husband who can also back you up. I had no one as was divorced 5 years earlier. My Mom finally fell again and ended up in hospital with cracked hip. From the hospital they sent her to a nursing home and would not let her go home on her own again. Not wanting your mom to hurt herself, but that was the only way I got my Brothers to finally back me up. The story is longer, but hope I may have given you an idea. I hope you find a solution soon as you deserve a good life of your own too.
If I were you, I'd make a list (type or write out) the ++++ pluses listed here that support you or give you positive ways to address the issues. It is different from reading these (mostly wonderful) suggestions.
* The main focus for me is what works FOR YOU to sustain your own emotional and physical (and all other areas) well being? You need to realize you DESERVE to feel good about you in your own skin and life. Then, your mother.
* I would be very aware of going into long-winded explanations. Keep it very simple. "We can't do that now. (whatever she says). Would you like to watch tv or listen to Mozart - (give two options) that she'd like. Keep it short and don't get into this web of needs.