I live in her home - take care of her alone almost 3 years. We pay $600/mth towards her real estate taxes, all utilites, etc, have remodeled kitchen and 1 bathroom and various other house updating. I am her sole 24 hour caretaker - 89 year old formerly abusive diabetic - weight 240, 4x insulin daily, bowel incontinent, completely bedridden, CHF, oxygen, bedsores maintenance. I am tired of no money and my husband is working his heart out but I quit my job to move in with her. I only go to store for diapers & grocery as I look so bad - can't afford hair dresser, etc. Is it wrong to ask? Will understand if it is.
This is not a case of providing simple care and companionship, this is a full time job that would require her to pay to be in a Nursing Home with 3 shifts of workers if you were not there. And you say that YOU are paying $600/month toward her expenses? You need to think of your own health and future, aside from the financial loss of giving up you job I think you are a serious risk of burnout unless you have regular outside support and respite.
In our family our mother was reluctant to move in with the daughter who offered that, because she didn't want to be a burden. Another sister finally persuaded her by taking her aside and saying that the sister who had just retired was worried about making the mortgage payments and could really use the rent money. (Not true, but it worked.) Well, OK, as long as she wasn't a burden she'd move in. Mother had been in subsidized housing, and my sister charged her the same amount she had been paying for that (which was below market rate for what Mom got). Mom was also eligible for a certain number of hours of paid care each week, and my sister accepted that money. The other six of us thought this was an outstanding arrangement for the year+ that it lasted.
Usually this kind of question brings some responses that are outraged at the thought of charging a parent. "Did they charge you for all they did while you were growing up?" That really isn't relevant. The situations are completely different. Charging you parent makes sense, to me. And it has nothing to do with how much you love them or how grateful you are for the care you got from them as a child.
One should ask the parent if they could pay toward their care. And find a hourly rate that both of you are comfortable. A parent could use a "pay service" that the parent pays into, and in return that pay service writes you a paycheck after taking out payroll taxes.
KicksandGiggles, it starting to sound like that your Mom needs around the clock care. How are you holding up? Don't get burned out. I was thinking if Mom can pay you, then she could afford to pay a caregiver for a few hours a day to give you a break.