Is it wrong for me to sometimes feel isolated and resentful?
Hi, I've posted here before. My mother is 90 (going to be 91 in August) and my dad is 85. I act as my mom's primary caregiver. She needs to be monitored round the clock, and I'm happy to do this because, under no circumstances, do I want her going to a nursing home, but lately I've been feeling a bit resentful about the fact that I no longer seem to have a life. It's not too bad as I'm a very introverted person and have a lot of solitary hobbies (reading, writing, listening to music, playing solo board games), but I sometimes feel like a prisoner in my own house. I do have a woman who watches her if I have to go out shopping or go to school (I'm working on my MA, but I'm off school for the summer because I'm working on a book project and the manuscript is due in January). She only charges 15$ an hour, which I know is cheap, but I can't seem to get any financial aide and I've already gone through more than half of the money the family has socked away just to pay for my mother's caregiver. The woman works privately - I've applied to the VA (my dad's a veteran) for possible spousal care to help with the money, but have heard nothing yet. In any case, because of the expense I try to keep my outings brief and well spaced apart.
What's worse is that my mother has developed an intense fear of being alone, so, even when I am home, she'll call me into her room about every 20-30 minutes just to make sure that I'm home and she's not alone. I try to keep my patience, but it's hard. I love my mother very, very much and I want her final days to be comfortable and happy - but I just can't help feeling resentful at times. On Saturday, for example, I had made a luncheon date to see a friend, the first time I've done so in many weeks. My mother's caregiver called me the morning of and said she couldn't make it because she was ill. I asked a number of my neighbors if they could just watch my mom for a couple of hours, but each of them was either ill themselves or couldn't make it. I actually broke down in tears (privately) because I had been looking forward to this all week. At that moment I felt so low, I felt as if I were a prisoner.
It's only very recently that this has started getting so bad. My dad was very independent and could often see to my mom's needs when I needed to go to school or visit a friend. Last October he got a horrible UTI which took away all his strength - he could no longer stand or walk. He was in the hospital for six weeks and then went to a rehab facility, from which he'll finally be coming home this month (I hope). Yet I know, when he does get home he will probably not be the way he was before and may need round the clock care as well.
I'm sorry I've gone on so long. But I just get these feelings and I feel guilty for getting them because I love both my parents so very much and I want to do this. But, as I've said, I feel almost like a prisoner sometimes. Can anyone else relate?
9 Answers
Popular Questions
Related Questions
- I moved my Mother to AL and now I feel lost and some guilt. When do you get over these feelings?
- Why can't I sleep?
- Wife with Alzheimer's is moving to NH on Monday. How do I handle the sudden change of being alone?
- How to respond to Mom (85) diagnosed with dementia? She's started sobbing a lot saying she wants God to take her.
I resent the fact that I will never live to be my parent's age, mid-90's... I will be lucky if I reach 75 because the stress has taken its toll on my heath... I am in age decline decades earlier then that of my parents. Good heavens, I saved and was fugal all my life for this???
I bet if our parents were decades younger and we asked them if we should give up all aspects of our life to care for them, I bet they would have said no.
Things change. What worked for a long time may no longer work. That is how this goes. Your mom is more fearful, to be honest, that is just the tip of the iceberg. Things don' t get better. They deteriorate.
The name of the game is to be prepared: and to do that you need to read, read, read on this site to educate yourself. You will get decades of vicarious experience. So, read all the posts that come to you.
You will discover that you are perfectly entitled to your feelings of isolation and resentment. Everyone has them in some measure from time to time. I would like very much also to encourage you to join a support group for caregivers. They are pretty much everywhere--call a local church or the Area Agency on Aging. In the group you will find people who understand, share ideas, and maybe have a few laughs.
Good luck and big hugs. Please keep writing and let us know how it goes.
Perhaps as mentioned you could check into some respite care for your mom either at an ALF or a SNF just so you can get a break! I think it will do wonders for my outlook and help me recharge my batteries as well since I was starting to feel run down. Best of luck!
Like my husband's children who live in Germany and California--we are in PA. I have stopped telling them how things are--they just think I am exaggerating and complaining or they tell me how well their dad is doing. And these are really nice people, btw. I really like them but they just don't get it.
Of course, he is showboating in front of them. I just wait and let them visit and see for themselves. He can't showboat forever. Once they took him on a three hour excursion while he was very sick. He slept for five hours afterward--and yet they told me he WANTED to go on the excursion as proof of his good condition. Sigh.
In fact, one will stay with my husband for a week this month while I vacation with my nine-year-old grandson. He is in for a surprise... Just having a conversation with my husband is very hard. A) he cannot hear well, and B) he stutters and stops with his speech so that I am only semi-conscious by the end of a sentence. Good luck with that, Buddy. It i easier for me to communicate with my two-year-old granddaughter who can hardly talk than with my husband. Whew, talk about frustrating!
Good luck and thanks for getting back to us!