Was it wrong for me to feel a bit of relief when my mother started the dying process?

As she was dying, you wanted her in a better place, those are good thoughts. I held mom's hand and told her "There's a big party! They are all waiting for you to get there!!" You give them permission to go, that is good!

Charlie, my heartfelt sympathy to you and your family for the passing of your Mother.

I was doing the same type of thinking as you were as I watched my Mom [98] pass. It was a combination of much relief and sadness mixed together. My life had been turned upside down and I was exhausted through this journey of old age, and the final 3 months of accelerated dementia. My Mom wasn't the person she once was, very bright with a sense of humor... all of that was gone and she was a shell of herself.... it was like, who is that person?

You did nothing wrong. Nothing. My 92-year-old father in law passed away two months ago. I was relieved and continue to be relieved that his suffering is over and he had no pain at the end. Feeling guilty implies you did something wrong-which is not true. Your mother was 92, in poor health. There is absolutely nothing you could have done or should have done. The dying process is a natural one that happens to everyone who lives to be elderly. She was never going to live forever. Her time on earth came to a natural end. Getting your life back is a blessing! My father in law lived with us for a year before he went to the nursing home for four months. I know how very hard it is to have a life when you're caretaking. Take your time grieving but do NOT beat yourself up or question your love and loyalty to your mother. You obviously loved her very much and part of loving someone is letting them go when it's clearly their time.

Wow. Thank you all so much. This helps incredibly.

Charlie the very fact that you are feeling these feelings of guilt show you loved and cared for your Mother. When I got the phone call that my Mom had passed I actually said Good. I meant it in the best of ways. Good cause my Mom had left her poor, old, sick body. Not good for me cause I miss her every day. But good for her.

Don't beat yourself up Charlie. You were a good son.

charlie ,
its such a mortal struggle . you need to get your own life back . in order for that to happen , someone has to check out . its sad . id give both my nads to talk to my demented but brilliant mother to this day , but if she would have lived for a few more years , my life would have eluded me entirely .
theres just a time for everything . ( turn , turn , turn , )
my mother died at 81 yrs old . i was supportive and i was the only one there , dammit . i dont think she has any bad feelings about my sacrifice from wherever shes at . she loved me . my future was more of a concern to her than her present .
i love her ..

Once again, thank you all.

Charlie, reading your comments really touched me, as I lived exactly what you described...
My mom passed away on December 18th, 2 days before her 87 birthday and I was with her at home when she passed away peacefully from heart failure. Never would have I thought she would die that night, but the last year had been difficult, being bed ridden, refusing something to eat or not swallowing food. But then again, with her vascular dementia condition, there were also some wonderful moments where she was all there and said precious and wonderful things to me. I will cherish those moments for ever.
I started feeling guilt after she passed away, asking myself if I had I done everything I could over these last few months, despite being a constant caregiver to her for the last 3 years.
I take comfort in the fact that doctors, friends and family told me all the same thing, she had lived a full life and the last few years were not what she would have wanted, being the dynamic and independent person she was all of her life.

No, you're just human. Care giving was a horrifying exhausting ordeal. It was only one emotion among a hundred other swirling emotions. What counts is that you were there. You didn't abandon her. Your Mom raised a good son. She is free and so are you. Enjoy your life.

As humans, we want to feel that we control or at least understand our environment. That's largely an illusion. Our loved one will die whatever we do. Certainly our thoughts don't change anything.

If your mother was a good and loving person, she would probably also be "relieved" that your ordeal (as well as hers) is over and you can be somewhat free to start your own life. Your mother wants you to be happy. Do your best. Hugs to you.

For the most part, I think our feeling are just what they are -- neither good nor bad. It is actions we can earn guilt over. You had very mixed feelings. But your actions were consistently loving. You did not hasten her death for your benefit. You did not abandon your mom. You did good. Be satisfied.

If you continue to feel guilty, at least acknowledge that it is totally unearned.

Charlie, I'm just two years younger than your mother was when she died. Right now I'm in relatively good health and able to live alone following the death of my husband two years ago. But if I were in the condition your mother was in the last year of her life, I would expect my sons and daughter would breathe sighs of relief when I left this world. You've received some good answers here.

I think it's normal for any person to be torn between the conflicting feelings, but when the quality of life has deteriorated to the point that it's painful to see one's loved one in discomfort, pain, or struggling, then it's the only humanely response to wish that that ordeal be over for them.

That doesn't mean though that the conflicting thoughts won't be tormenting, for a long time in some cases. You just have to keep reminding yourself that her quality of life was such that continuing to linger would only have been painful for both of you.

Charlie, just want to touch base you again, how is your Dad doing now?

I know since my Mom passed back in December, Dad is going through a lot of the "what ifs", and I was wonder if your Dad was doing the same thing. I think it is pretty normal for anyone to do that. The hard part is convincing him everything that could have been done, was done.

Dad is feeling guilty he didn't do more, but Mom was 98, there was nothing more any one could do for her except to keep letting her know we loved her.

Not wrong at all, Charlie. This is complex. As our elders near "the end," they are so different from the parent we knew.......and the engaged adult that he or she once was. Clearly you have a big heart. You did right by your mother, and she knew it. She is at peace now. And you have peace, too (although it is a hard bargain, at times). Be kind to yourself during this transition.

((((Tight HUG))))
you wrote exactly what most people go through....
I'm saving this because you describe exactly how i want my parents to go...and the thoughts I know I will be having one day....

Charlie, Your letter could have been written by me...My Mom passed in the same way in January at 93, and I often wrestle with those feelings. I don't think we really wanted our mothers to die, but rather wanted them to not suffer and see them this way. If I could have had a choice between her dying or her getting better and going back to her own home and be independent, of course I would have wanted her to be back to the way she was before she became bed ridden and less and less engaged with the World around her. Recovery just wasn't possible, numerous rehab attempts did not work, and the longer she was bed ridden the more she was ready to pass on. I took care of everything, told her many times what a great mother she had been to me all my life and how much I loved her. Then after she passed on it hit like a ton of bricks. I cry each evening I miss her so much. I realize though that the last 20 months of her life were awful for her, and hard on me as well and that she wanted to be freed of living this way. Since getting better was not an option this was the only way. People told me it was amazing I cared for her for so long 24/7...and it sounds like you did the same for your Mom. Know that you did everything you could to get your Mom through and that she would want you to enjoy your life for all the help you gave her. {{{Hugs}}}, Katie

Has anyone read the book, "Can We Talk About Something More Pleasant?" by Roz Chast? It's the story of her taking care of her elderly parents, moving them out of their apartment and into assisted living and then their eventual deaths. It's sad and funny and she often acknowledges the thoughts and feelings we all have but don't want to admit.
Some people might find it offensive. It is a graphic novel as the writer is a cartoonist for the New Yorker.

Charlie, I am beginning to ask the same questions. My mother's bry no longer makes platelets. She has really bad dementia, congested heart failure, diabetes, Ned a host of other conditions. She constantly ask for my dad or her mother, that is where her memor is, a happy place. There are literally only a handful of church friends and her 3 daughters left, of which I know she doesn't know the friends and I am not sure that she knows me and my sister who see her 1-2x a week. I have read over and over the advanced health directives to be sure that I am following them as she signed them back in 2001 and I believe that I am. I constantly talk with my sisters about the decisions I am making and ask for their input. I wave of grief swept over me just this week while driving home from taking her to the dr. It has been determine that since there is no viable treatment for her platelet problem, and her being in stage 4 kidney failure I should call hospice in 3 weeks after this last medicine has been weened from her body. As much as I am sad I am happy too because she will finally gets to be back with dad who has been gone for 19 years and it is dad that she has been waiting to see, the love of her life the man she still remembers. We are selfish by nature and want to keep people with us but at the same time no one wants to have their loved one suffer for our sake. It is as it hold be, children bury their parents. God Bless you Charlie I m sure that you did the best that you could. No regrets!

My mother 'died' when she became hallucinating, incontinent, and incapable of carrying on a lucid conversation. She is still alive, at 86, in a nursing home, and is very docile and pleasant to everyone, not suffering any pain as far as I can tell. She broke her hip last year but she recovered. Ask her a question, 'what did you have for breakfast?' and you get a pleasant stream of nonsense. So, my mother's shell is still alive and breathing, but my actual mother is no more. When she passes away, I won't grieve too much. It will be a relief to all of us.

That is exactly how I felt when I was called that my dad had died. Dad had been in the nh for 6 years because he had broken his femur bone (not at the top) and nice healed he had been walking for nearly 8 weeks. Drs did not believe us because of dad's parkinson, when we told them that dad had fallen hike walking. Eventually, in the last year we allowed for a gastric feeding tube to be put in once he started to asperate. When I first got the call I cried out from the sudden pain that gripped my body, then quickly I composed myself and my young children and we thank God for taking Dad to heaven, and his suffering was over. I imagine it will be the same when mom passes away only 19 years later.

Bless all of you. I must share that I am pretty old myself and have seen many friends, relatives, and co-workers go through long stressful caregiving of parents, just as we all are. When the parents pass away, not ONE of them was prostrate with grief. Of course they were grief- stricken, they mourned the death - but just about every single person admitted they were relieved and thought the death was a blessing. (and it was, who wants to see a loved one gravely ill, unable to walk or talk, deaf or blind lingering on and on?)

Amen, Lassie

Not bad at all. I pray for a peaceful death for my mother in law.

Amen!

Lassie while I absolutely agree with you - 100% I was very surprised to find that I was not ready at all for Mum to die when we were called to the hospital with not much hope of her continuing life. She did live and continues to creak on but I was broken hearted at the thought of losing her. So whilst I whinge and bitch and moan I have this sneaky feeling that although there will be some sort of relief I think I may just grieve much more than I originally thought

Yes you will Jude and I think is important that you do. As you know I lost my Mom 10 mths. ago. I was extremely close to my Mom and yet I was so numb until just recently that I think I just prolonged the inevitable. So now I cry every day, and my husband is thinking I've lost my mind. But I think its a good sign that I can now cry. Its a release. So Jude, close or not I hope when the time comes you will allow your emotions to flow cause for me its taken that much longer because i tried to stop it.

Answer to first question = no. Answer to second question = yes.

My Dad suffered for 9 years with a rare autoimmune neurological disease called PSP, Progressive Supranuclear Palsy, simular to Parkinson's, though does not respond to Parkinson's drugs. The slow decline from becoming very unsteady on his feet, to losing his ability to inspirate/expirate, as well as swallowing difficulties, and a strange sort of paralysis of the muscles in his fase causing a wide eyed stare, just a really sad disorder, for which there is no treatment. I had the very best Dad in the world, and the thought of losing him at only 75, was devastating to me, my Mom, and my 5 siblings. When he became unable to swallow normal food, one of the true enjoyment of his life, it became even worse. Now we were happily pureeing his food, and thickening his fluids, which he of course hated but it had to be done. Twice, he overcame Aspiration Pneumonia, and then the disease began shutting down his GI tract, he hadn't had a real BM's in 2 weeks. The last time in hospital, once again with Pneumonia, his poor body shut down, rendering him unconscious for 2 days. A meeting with his Drs, asking us what did they expect them to do, heroic, life saving measures, a feeding tube, daily enemas to keep him "moving", antibiotics to quell the infection? The rest of the family was in agreeance, to let him go naturally, but me, the medical person in the family could not bare to let him go yet, I was a wreck! I wanted him treated at least, with antibiotics, but again, he was out cold! So, for me, and me only, they started him6on the Antibiotics, and then we had the Priest in, to give him The Last Rites. The very next morning, I walked into his hospital room, and he was awake, sitting up, and drinking tea, my gorgeous Welsh Father! He was overjoyed to hear that we had had the Priest in, and we all had a lovely day with him visiting, and the very next day, Mother's Day, my Mom wanted a day alone with just him. The rest of us spent the day at the Horse Races, as we did with my Mom and Dad every Mother's day, and we all stopped in on our way home to check on him, and to pick up our Mom. He had been in and out, sleeping most of the day, but she had him all to her self, which I thought was so lovely. That night near Midnight, we received a call from the Nursing staff, that he was slipping away, and to come quickly. We all, 6 kids and our Mom, all 13 Grandchildren arrived in time to see him go peacefully in his sleep. I have no regrets, not even wanting one last trial of the Antibiotics. I wish he had never had this awful disease, but he was the Best man I ever knew, the Best Father hands down, and I know that he wouldn't have wanted to live out his days on a feeding tube, unable to manage his own bowels, or ever enjoy food again, dependant on everyone for everything! He's gone to a better place, now joined by my own Wonderful Mom, both now gone 12 & 13 years ago this year. I miss them so much, but I can't complain, as I had the best parents ever, and not everyone can say that. They also left me with a great network of 5 siblings that have wonderful characteristics of them both, so its often like their not gone at all. I have no complaints. They gave us a wonderful life and showed us what True Love really is. I am blessed!

Stacey, that's a very moving account of your father's death as well as a heartwarming tribute to him and your mother. It's really very touching and emotional.