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I have been my mothers caretaker for about 8 years now and since November her health has really declined. she is a 4 time stroke survivor with diabetes, high blood pressure, high cholesterol, kidney failure, and congestive heart failure and on top of that has psuedobulbar affect. In November we found out she had CHF and had been maintaining it well. well Feb 3 she end up in the hospital for 10 days then went to rehab for 5 days, then 15 days back in the hospital, 8 days in skilled nursing, 25 days back in the hospital, 10 days home, and now 24 days and counting back in the hospital, its starting to take a toll on me, i basically live everywhere she is at i never leave her side unless i need to go home and shower, so i am usually with her 18- 22 hrs a day, i had a breaking point the other day when i almost snapped, they taken her off her PBA meds and all she did was cry for 3 days straight no sleeping (she doesnt sleep neither do i) just crying, i timed her episodes for crying and she would only stop for 30 sec - 50 sec. i my self started to cry, and i couldn't stop, i have never had this happen to me, but i waned to smother her with a pillow and i caught my snap and realized that i was thinking like a crazy person and stepped out the room and went out side for fresh air, later that day i called my dad to stay with my mom and i went home and balled like a baby that i would ever think something like that, the guilt is just eating at me, at that point i realized i need help, i have a appointment for June 2 with a psychiatrist, but that's still 2 weeks away, please tell me if something like this is "normal" and how do i keep sane before then, and i am so afraid to tell the Dr, i don't want them to take my mom away or keep me away from her, that was just a moment of weakness, tbh idk what to do, i am so stressed out, and loosing time, and memory.

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Jessiebelle, some times I do see that I do everything for her. I have to put my self in check, because she starts to get spoiled, and doesn't like to help me, its the small things like brushing her hair, putting on clothes, eating her food, when I see that she simply stops doing it her self and makes me, I then sit down with her and try to have a calm conversation with her and let her know she needs to help me, so she can stay healthy and strong. Coming on the website everyday and reading other people stories and forums is helping me out a lot, that I am not alone. I don't really have anyone to speak to at home, no body understand they just think I am b*tching and complaining. I am also starting to understand its just being in the hospital that is making me feel like this, because when we are at home its feels like we are smooth sailing, I am able to walk outside when I want and put her in wheel chair and have lunch on the deck. I really do enjoy taken care of my mom, its just that with her health declining, I am coming to the realization that I might not have my mom any more, she had me at 40 and now she is 68, I lost my sister to heart failure 8 yrs ago and she wad 15 yrs older than me, and my grandma 3 yrs ago, and with my mom dementia and sometimes acting like a child her self, its just very hard not having a mother figure any more, especially with my sisters daughters looking up me. Sometimes we just want our mom to be there mentally just to give us a hug and kiss and tell us everything will be ok.
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kperez, I can tell you care deeply for your mother. One problem I see that I want to be honest with is that you are falling into a trap that is so common for caregivers -- that no one can take as good care of our parent as we can. Since only we alone are capable, we must do everything ourselves. I do believe that you need to address this feeling in yourself and see if it is really true. Perhaps your mother is so dependent on you now that many of the things she does is because of that dependence. I get the strong feeling that it would be healthier for both you and her to start sharing some of this load.
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Last night it rained really ugly, with flash flood warnings till 4 am, so I decided not to go to the hospital, hoping one night alone my mom would be ok, I was laying in bed and couldn't sleep, I decided to go ahead and go to the hospital at 2 am in this bad weather, when I get here the nurse said my mother had been crying for 2 hrs, as soon as I walked in the room u could smell that she had been sitting in her own urine for quite some time, my mother doesn't speak up, she doesn't talk but maybe 2 words a day, the nurses know to check on her and they didn't it just makes me wonder what if I didn't come at all. I have asked many time for them to keep a eye out for her.
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About your thought of wanting to smother her with a pillow, every caregiver has thoughts like that at one time or another. The stress is so great, you think if she would die, you would be free. That's just human. You are not a beast for thinking these thoughts. You are NORMAL. Believe me when I say a psychiatrist has heard it all. Go home at night and get some rest. You are killing yourself. Good luck to you. You can do this but only if you get some rest.
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kperez, I think IloveMom's and Pam's suggestion about hospice is so good. It will help to lighten the burden on your shoulders getting someone in to help. It sounds like your mother will qualify. Check the area and find out which hospice service is a good one. They aren't all equal, so look for the best you can get for your mother. I hope you are able to find one that is perfect for you.
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Hospice will evaluate her, talk to her privately and with her husband. You can participate in the process too. She can have Hospice at home or at a facility, and that decision belongs to mom & dad. They were great support for my daughter, I did need some meds to stay calm too.
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MaggieMarshall, i have given the nurse my info when we first started going to the hospital and when i came back to check on my mom she had been sitting in her own urine and stool for quite some time she even broke out in a big nasty rash, i got into it with the charge nurse and almost got kicked out, she kept calling me a liar and that my mother had come to the hospital already like that, my father kept me calm for the most part, i had to walk away and come back and explain to her my concerns, i think i was 2 sec from slapping her at the time. Every since then i dont like to leave her side unless i absolutely have too and i have already got into it with 3 PCA\CNA's

JessieBelle, my dad works everyday long hours, cause insurance isn't covering everything, so he comes to the hospital at 8 pm and leaves at 11 pm. and if he doesn't work weekends he is there helping me out, he is the only one. i have two brothers but neither of them care, if it was up to one of my brothers he would leave my mom at home to rot, he wouldn't clean her he would just let her soak in her own fluids and and just leave her there, he already says mom is old she needs to die already. and my other brother has this WITCH of a wive. i guess she has him whipped, when i talk to him he looks at her and waits for her to answer for him, all we do is fight, i keep telling him that if any thing happens to mom that he was the one that is going to be living with the guilt and fighting with his wive not me that i know i did everything i could for her. And yes i do get that the feeling that i am expecting too much from my self, it is as if u where in my mind when u wrote that i started to cry, i couldn't help it.

ilovemom, a caseworker nurse came into today to talk to me about my mom being d/c and mentions something about hospice, she said she was going to talk to my dr and come back tomorrow to let me know more about hospice, because i don't know what is it exactly
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With all your Mom's issues, she is a great candidate for hospice. They are wonderful. They will help you get the "tools" you need too. Call and talk with someone.
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You need a break, kperez. I would be going crazy if I were doing what you are doing. I already feel like I am snapping sometimes, and my load is much lighter than yours.

Is your dad still capable? I would let him take over things with your mother until you are less stressed. I have the feeling that you are expecting too much of yourself when it comes to caring for your mother. You are probably expecting more of you than anyone else is expecting of you. We can only give so much. We may feel like we want to do more, but there is an internal part of us that will sound the alarm when we neglect ourselves too long. It sounds like your internal alarm is letting you know to stop and get some rest. I hope you listen to the alarm and take better care of yourself.
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You probably ARE losing your mind. That's what sleep deprivation does. Your mom is exactly where she needs to be. Give your mom's charge nurse your contact information, go home and get a good night's sleep. You simply MUST.
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