Any advice on a 32 year old son? I really need everyone to see and try to help me respond properly.
PamStegman, ArieneHutcheon, Gladimhere, Irishlasses, Kseale, Momsonlyhope, lilyoy, KarenC, Stressed52, 2tsanq, Norway, Karen R. Ba8olou, jujubean, Kazina, Carol Bradley Bursach, Captain, JeanneGibbs, (there were a few more) so my apologies, I have a question regarding my son who is 32 and he hasn't for some unknown reason spoke to me for 7 years. His wife is having a baby in 2 weeks. This is a very hard question to ask, so if you could try to tell me how to respond to the first letter of acknowledging his email. My son was raised well, had everything he needed (went to a private college and then went to master's degrees two in 3 years).
He has since married, and has not asked his father (we are friends but divorced). We never ever allowed the divorce to get in the way of our parenting.
The son in his later years, was very judgmental and felt that he could start controlling the set of four parents (step parents including), I love my son so I am trying to put this in a nice light. My son got married three years ago. We the father and I found out after the fact. It hurt me to no end. then my family (my parents are too old and ill to make decisions) started having family functions without my husband and myself. We thought, well ok, we don't understand but that is their choice, and why would we want to be around people that are not saying a word, and not returning voice mails and or texts (which one is the POA) and I am sweating that, because my father states he is going to change that but it better be soon. mom is 88 Alzheimer, Dad PPA, well my son decides to write to me. This is after five years of not speaking to me. I had not one clue. I got a letter that basically stated, I would love to have the baby clothes that are mine, and if you could drop them off at my sisters (that doesn't speak to me), my thought was I would just drop them off at a corner for him to pick up. The problem is this, this child has manipulated everyone and has blamed his entire life the "poor me" syndrome on the fact his parents divorced at his age of 3. We his parents are very cordial and very sad that we have a son that will not speak to either of us, and that includes the every six month's of hello and we hope you are well. He ignores mother's day and my birthday and I get this in an email.
Tonight around midnight I get an email that states: and I am not for privacy reasons typing in the entire email. But basically his father and I divorced at his age of 3 and he has never forgiven me for that, then the list goes on and on, and he has decided to launch onto one thing, and this child (adult) hasn't even talked to and/or seen me in 5 years, so why in the world hasn't he worked on the issues he is so concerned with. Sure my heart has been aching because I am going to be a grandma, in two weeks, but never got to share in the joy of that, and then never got to meet the woman he married. Still haven't 4 years this march. My family hasn't said a word to me. My husband and I are very good people we help the community and reach out to do charity work. My son though states some quotes I will type, and My question is how would any of you respond.
I really appreciate you wanting to give me the baby outfit, and would love to have it. I do not want to meet you alone (why do I bite?those are my comments), so drop it off at Sue's. The sister that will not speak to me.
You have written ever two month's without fail with nothing but very positive comments for me and my wife mom and I appreciate that. I am sure your hope is that one day I can find space to let you back into my life. I have said this before, but it is really important to me that you understand why I have kept you at a distance over the last 6 plus years. I am not holding onto any grudges!!!! (REALLY), or trying to punish you for shortcomings you may or may not have had while we were growing up.
I do not trust you and dad. It is very clear that experiences have piled up over the years and have led me to a place where I no longer want to be around either of you. (Gee thanks for what). Remember everyone I have another son, 26 that is 180 of this, and live in the same household, with the same father. He must have forgotten all the thousand's of dollars on camps and cars and everything else. I really really wish things could be different, and bay be one day they can, but it really depends on your willingness to open up about things. (About what)? He obviously has told people he is mad his father and mother divorced at age 3, but what? He will not tell us, but lets us know that he is hopeful that we have had success in our lives, and that we are ready to admit all our faults (common people) this is my child or our child. We are good wonderful parents, we were not meant to be married, we made a huge and still do effort to be cordial. He hates that by the way.
Then he says the door is always open, I am ready when you both are ready to change. HELP!
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a young guy with his own family needs a great degree of space to battle life with his own resources and wits . my oldest pushed me away until recently . i think your son will hit a wall at some point . that arrogance and blame shifting will extend into his marriage and cause him extreme pain . you dont want to see your kids fall on their faces but we all do -- theyre no different .
id send him an email and tell him to go and have a good life but if he ever needs you youll be there as that is the role of a parent . hes trying to hurt you -- dont let him . i wouldnt send the baby clothes , it sends the message that he can walk all over you .
i hadnt seen my g - kids for close to 4 years until recently . son ( 32 ) just grew up enough to realize that life is harder than it looks on paper and dad isnt as dumb as he looks . he sent me a very long apologetic email and wanted me involved in his kids ' lives . i let him off the hook real easily . told him i should be the one apologising because im a belligerant control freak -- but i wont -- cause im a belligerant control freak .
its natural that hes pushing you away . hes gonna crash and burn , just try to keep a door open for when you have to drag his bleeding ass in out of the cold .
my son and i are in a great place now . he flew , he got knocked down , ( divorce , loss of custody ) he manned up to his hurtful mistakes, ( me , mine ) and the door at home is still open so he can attempt aviation again knowing he has a place to crash land if it becomes necessary .
my youngest and i have slammed heads and lived together / worked together for 15 years . hes off on his own right now but he knows the door is always open here, he knows we need each other. i send him an email every couple of months that simply says ' suck balls ' .
i dont care how many degrees your son has , life is still gonna body slam him a few times . he just dont see it coming .
I'm unclear on one point, did you offer him the clothes, or is he asking out of the blue? If you offered to give them, then I would send them in the mail or via UPS.
If you didn't offer and he is simply demanding them (politely, but it still a demand), then he has further revealed his narcissism (YOU have to change? Isn't this a two way street, buddy?). If this is a demand, you just as politely ask him to come to your door to pick them up. No conversation need ensue.
Why is the rest of the family shunning you? Have you had a conversation with any of them about this? Has Son told them something monstrous?
I suggest counselling ... for you. You deserve support and help to deal with this terrible pain.
I feel this child is copying the way his father (whom I get along with was), he did the exact thing to his mother, and treated her like you know what. It was I "the wife" that always had his parents over. He felt this or that by his parents. Of course grown up now, he realizes how short life is. This is a repeated pattern in a family.
Also, regarding the baby clothes, it is because my mother whom has Alzheimer's made them for him, and as a mother you tell me one of you that would not give him outfits that were hand made!
But, this is how I look at the letter. Mom, you tell me everything I want to hear, and I will accept you and you can have "rights" to your grandchild.
Well, I just got done writing all of the work I have done for the community in the caregiving world. I have 19 people I have helped and love me and without me they would be lost. Really, I don't hear from a son for years, and he focuses on issues from his childhood. You all are right, he will be the one at the loss, because I have already moved on. 10-15 years, give me a break. That child hadn't seen me for 10 - 12 of those years.
Regarding money. He need asked to borrow money, but he was hell bent on receiving his $5,000 that was put in an education fun for him. He sat around the corner of my house waiting for it.
I feel this way, I owe him nothing. I have told him things about me, that he already knows, nothing bad, I am human I am a mother, I did the best I could and you got far more than most children did, and yes, I was dumb enough to pay $500 per month for car insurance when he was 17. That was years ago.
But, what I do not agree with is that he wants to avoid me at all costs. What do I have warts. This is the mother that is caring for my own parents. He avoids everyone in my family at all costs.
Then he thinks he can write a letter five years later and pick up like nothing happened, if I tell him whatever he wants to hear, which at this point, I feel is one thing, "why in 2009, did I have a migraine, and lay on the couch for christmas" easy answer. I had 5 grand map seizures, and the medication topomax, known as stupomax, was making me sick. Really, this is what this is all about. I sincerely doubt it. I know who I am, I know the kind of person I am, I know the goodness that I do in this world.
I do not need some 32 year old snot nosed child of mine to question me and my integrity.
Of course, when I was divorced and raising kids alone it was hard. Really? Let me ask any of you where that would not be hard. But, he feels so deprived. Of what?
Well, thank you for all of your support, and I am sad, but I see the pattern and the thing is he has no contact with his father either. We call him the master "debater".
Life is his way or the high way, it has been like that since he was little, he used to pick the vacation that was the best between the families.
Thank you for all of your support.
I am human, but I am a wonderful truthful human, and I would think that qualifies me to be a person that really doesn't need to be ruled by my entitlement child. When the other one, lived with me, same situation and we are close as ever and his statement is "you only have one father and mother" there are no do overs. He is only 26, and has a pretty good head on his shoulders.
DH
I have no children, but my sig other has 2 grown children.... he divorced their Mom when the children were in grade school. Now the children are close to 40 years old but whenever something doesn't go right in their own lives, they will blame their Dad because he had divorced their Mom.... [sigh]
As for the baby clothes, if you had mentioned in your original post that it was your Mom who hand made the clothes for your son, I doubt anyone would say not to give him the clothes. I was wondering why you would be keeping baby clothes for so long... a Christening outfit, that I would understand.
My brother married someone with mental problems, and for years, we walked on egg shells. I finally gave up and wrote him off. Ironically, his daughter came by last week. She wanted to see her grandmother and visit with me. I got to meet her two sons. It was a wonderful visit. Turns out, her mother cut herself off from all relatives on both sides of the family. I do not miss the drama or the ugliness she throws around.
So, I have had the same situation from both my brother and my daughter. DO NOT LET HIM TREAT YOU LIKE DIRT. Walk away. Leave the door open, but do not respond to him anymore. Captain is right.
Where one child may resent a divorce, another may simply roll with the punches. When parents remarry, again, HOW it affects their rank in the family can make them resentful of being demoted, or happy their older brother is no longer in charge. All depends where you sit.
What bothers me here is that the daughter also cut off contact, as did other family members. Ask yourself why. Find the answer. Find the solution to one, and I think you find the answer for all.
You say in your post that, as it were, out of the blue you get a letter stating that your son would love to have the baby clothes.
That's not quite what happened, is it? You go on later to quote him verbatim and what he says is: "I really appreciate you wanting to give me the baby outfit, and would love to have it."
Now that, to me, sounds like a response to an offer. Which, presumably, you made to him. So his letter wasn't quite out of the blue, then, was it? In fact, you started the conversation?
Look. This is a terribly painful situation. I am sorry for anyone who is suffering because of an estrangement from her child. But I think you first of all need to sit back and have a think. I don't believe that you can have no idea of what his problem is, what happened that so upset him, what caused the lengthy breach during which he went off and got married without informing his parents (which, after all, is a pretty big deal by anyone's standards)… I think you probably would have some idea, if you sat down and looked at it all clear-eyed.
He's dealing with whatever it's all about his way. I don't think it's a charitable or constructive way, but it's the one he's chosen based on what he feels about how things are. But at least he's *looking* at how things are. I suspect that that is more than you can honestly say for yourself.
The point of being so blunt is that life will go on, and I would be happier to think it will get better for you and that this confusion and unhappiness will be resolved. For that to happen, you need to understand what is wrong; and for that to happen, you need to face what really happened.
Because something happened. And if, truly, what happened was simply that one of your children suddenly turned into a cruel, ungrateful, selfish brat; if that is your honest view; well, then maybe you should write and tell him that.
i think my relationship is in a good place with both my sons right now . dad is there for us , theres a place there if we need it , dad is helpful and loving but extremely difficult if you try to bully him .
i did find out through a third party that my son was going to have a baby. Nine month's ago, or longer, as I do write him at the beginning of every year and wish him a happy new year. I never get a response. My ex husband years ago, told me to stop chasing him and start living my life. I did, and my son knew that there were a few clothes, and no these are things that were knitted by his grandmother that he knew were in my possession. I do not call my son, I write him once a year in January to tell him I love him and hope his life is well. I do not chase him, when you chase they feel smothered. I have to realize I know where I have been in my life, and feeling chased by parents is smothering.
Therefore, what I need to emphasize more than anything is that my son decided to depart not only from my life but from his father's and from my families and just became very quiet. He went to Jordan, and talked to me every day Peace Corps. The day he came back was the last day he spoke to me. I was always of the belief that something happened to him there. His father contacted the embassy of jordan and they do not send kids to that city any more. I do not know what happened there but I know there were things he told me. It is all my son's life, it is my son's life and the marriage, was it too hard for him to have two parents that really get along well in the same room, when divorce in his eyes means you don't get along? I don't know,
Countrymouse, I have no idea, I have the idea that I love my son, and will always love him, but that does not mean that I have to answer to him and his demands or if you want a relationship with my child you can answer to me. He was angry in his teens, he felt entitled, I put him through a private school as a single mom, I don't want accolades, I want nothing but to see if there are any sets of eyes that can figure this out. His father and he, do not talk, and the last time, his father said our son has to be right, and if he is not, he will make us pay, pay in what way, through the absence of him. What did we do? How many parents do the best they can? We did, we showed up at every baseball game, every every thing, and then he became very religious, and then the peace corps changed him. It did. I am still under the belief that this is something that happened in Jordon, I don't know. A son doesn't call you every day for two years, then not when he is back in the states. Regardless, country mouse, if you think I know why would I shed this to the people that I know here if I thought I knew? REally, five years, that is a long time. In 2004, I told my son many things about the divorce, and that I was sorry if he was affected by this in anyway, and that I loved him in every way a mother could. What am I supposed to tell him? I don't know.
I will tell you this, in the last 10 years, I have changed, I have really become a woman of great compassion, love understanding, and trying to remember that we all feel and we all feel differently. I am a safe person. My son (other one) always has said, Mom, you are the person in this world that I can come to. Like Pam said, some kids take divorce one way.
Remember, I was the daughter of a mother that was an alcoholic from my age of 7 to 25, i found an interventionist to save my mothers life. That doesn't make me perfect, it makes me someone that makes a difference. I know what it is like to have a mother that I love regardless of her faults. That is what age does to you, if you are real and mature, we all grow up.
Countrymouse:I suspect that that is more than you can honestly say for yourself. I disagree, and I have that right.
Thank you to all, let us close this topic if that is ok, I have enough information, and I am going to sit on it and talk to the father again and see what is going on. He sent I just heard the same sort of letter to him only reworded it towards his family.
Thanks to all.
Everyday is a new day
I am recovering from my animal bite last week. One step at a time.
Perhaps he is just too righteous for his imperfect family.
You are the parent be the bigger person and make then son. Do not ask to see him.
i do not have his address. i have tried to get it, to no avail. he tells no one his address. he is a very secretive young man. Yes, we thought of that. crazy isn't it.
He said, Daniel is just a different breed mom. Everything in life is about him, I called him in August, this is my son talking to tell him I wanted to mail him something for his birthday, and he said, "just give it to Sue" Sue is my one sister that Daniel does every blue moon have contact with, and I mean every blue moon, because my father lives there and hasn't seen him there for month's.
I believe the sending the clothes to my sister's house is giving in, yet, I also believe I am the adult, heck everyone I have been an adult since I was 7 years old. It is a lot of fun. At times, it is like "wow, really, people are so mean spirit, or whatever"
"I was a mother that always talked about things right away"
and yes Jeanne, I believe the religious part is a large large part of it, and I am not talking a normal relationship. He had dreams of going into the CIA, possibly still will because he speaks fluent Arabic, but regardless, "his life is a secret". It always has been.
You could just mail it to one of the post offices as a general delivery item mfor him to pick up. Or even one of the post office box rental stores. I am fairly sure that they will accept those sorts of packages for a fee. And make sure you request signature required by addressee for release of item!
Son has some interest in contacting you. It is unusual, especially for a male to care about hand me down clothes, even if they are made by grandma. Are the clothes sewn with gold thread? It is more than clothing he wants!
my mother has alzheimer's, and she did make some really neat creative things. Things you could never replace. they are not everyday clothes. A few hand crafted blankets, and yes the one thing I am talking about is a pouch thing crocheted with a zipper and little gloves that are stringed through the sleeves and a hood. My mother spend days and hours on it. It is special. People I get it baby clothes are clothes. These are clothes that mean something to my son. 15 years ago, he stated do not get rid of any of this, mom, I would like to have it. So, somewhere deep down, I know that boy loves me, I know it, but like everyone has said, he does have issues, how does anyone think his father and I felt when he came home from the peace corp about 40 pounds thinner at 120pds and 6.1. A shock. He wouldn't talk for a long while. We later found out that the family that had him the father or the head man stated if he was caught looking at one of his girls he would have to marry them. they are muslim, joking or not, my son called me every night in fear of everything.
The last night he was there they stated that the US sends people to that City Madaba (sp) Jordon because they are spies. So far from the truth, but he was 23 - 25. That is pretty young to be into a city where you don't have one person to talk too. He did it, it is what happened when he returned home. No one understands. and, yes, you guessed it, we paid for counselors and there was much silence. I don't know what happened. I worked hours with the US consulate of Jordan and US to find out. Not much a mom can know or a dad that is a State Patrolman, at the age of over 19.