Any advice on a 32 year old son? I really need everyone to see and try to help me respond properly.
PamStegman, ArieneHutcheon, Gladimhere, Irishlasses, Kseale, Momsonlyhope, lilyoy, KarenC, Stressed52, 2tsanq, Norway, Karen R. Ba8olou, jujubean, Kazina, Carol Bradley Bursach, Captain, JeanneGibbs, (there were a few more) so my apologies, I have a question regarding my son who is 32 and he hasn't for some unknown reason spoke to me for 7 years. His wife is having a baby in 2 weeks. This is a very hard question to ask, so if you could try to tell me how to respond to the first letter of acknowledging his email. My son was raised well, had everything he needed (went to a private college and then went to master's degrees two in 3 years).
He has since married, and has not asked his father (we are friends but divorced). We never ever allowed the divorce to get in the way of our parenting.
The son in his later years, was very judgmental and felt that he could start controlling the set of four parents (step parents including), I love my son so I am trying to put this in a nice light. My son got married three years ago. We the father and I found out after the fact. It hurt me to no end. then my family (my parents are too old and ill to make decisions) started having family functions without my husband and myself. We thought, well ok, we don't understand but that is their choice, and why would we want to be around people that are not saying a word, and not returning voice mails and or texts (which one is the POA) and I am sweating that, because my father states he is going to change that but it better be soon. mom is 88 Alzheimer, Dad PPA, well my son decides to write to me. This is after five years of not speaking to me. I had not one clue. I got a letter that basically stated, I would love to have the baby clothes that are mine, and if you could drop them off at my sisters (that doesn't speak to me), my thought was I would just drop them off at a corner for him to pick up. The problem is this, this child has manipulated everyone and has blamed his entire life the "poor me" syndrome on the fact his parents divorced at his age of 3. We his parents are very cordial and very sad that we have a son that will not speak to either of us, and that includes the every six month's of hello and we hope you are well. He ignores mother's day and my birthday and I get this in an email.
Tonight around midnight I get an email that states: and I am not for privacy reasons typing in the entire email. But basically his father and I divorced at his age of 3 and he has never forgiven me for that, then the list goes on and on, and he has decided to launch onto one thing, and this child (adult) hasn't even talked to and/or seen me in 5 years, so why in the world hasn't he worked on the issues he is so concerned with. Sure my heart has been aching because I am going to be a grandma, in two weeks, but never got to share in the joy of that, and then never got to meet the woman he married. Still haven't 4 years this march. My family hasn't said a word to me. My husband and I are very good people we help the community and reach out to do charity work. My son though states some quotes I will type, and My question is how would any of you respond.
I really appreciate you wanting to give me the baby outfit, and would love to have it. I do not want to meet you alone (why do I bite?those are my comments), so drop it off at Sue's. The sister that will not speak to me.
You have written ever two month's without fail with nothing but very positive comments for me and my wife mom and I appreciate that. I am sure your hope is that one day I can find space to let you back into my life. I have said this before, but it is really important to me that you understand why I have kept you at a distance over the last 6 plus years. I am not holding onto any grudges!!!! (REALLY), or trying to punish you for shortcomings you may or may not have had while we were growing up.
I do not trust you and dad. It is very clear that experiences have piled up over the years and have led me to a place where I no longer want to be around either of you. (Gee thanks for what). Remember everyone I have another son, 26 that is 180 of this, and live in the same household, with the same father. He must have forgotten all the thousand's of dollars on camps and cars and everything else. I really really wish things could be different, and bay be one day they can, but it really depends on your willingness to open up about things. (About what)? He obviously has told people he is mad his father and mother divorced at age 3, but what? He will not tell us, but lets us know that he is hopeful that we have had success in our lives, and that we are ready to admit all our faults (common people) this is my child or our child. We are good wonderful parents, we were not meant to be married, we made a huge and still do effort to be cordial. He hates that by the way.
Then he says the door is always open, I am ready when you both are ready to change. HELP!
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Life is short, I am loving my life, and what I have learned through the years. I love being with elder people, but I just need space from elder care now. I have been doing it for 9 years. My job (new one is wonderful), simply wonderful).
Deb
That was a LONG TIME AGO. She was 54. My family gets the award for sweeping things under the rug. I learned through therapy NOT TO DO THAT. I HAD therapy when she was 54, so I was 21 and again 10 years ago. We all process it differently.
My sisters one got married and said she feels so guilty for abandoning her sister that was 7. The other one said "what ever you do in life never tell anything anyone about you" they will hold a grudge on you forever. She has never been able to keep friends.
We were roommates for 10 years during college. etc. Life is like a circle, we all get on and some years are great, some are ok, and some are very far removed.
This Saturday I am going to thanksgiving dinner with my mother and dad and two sisters for Aegis Assisted Living for my mom. They always do it not on the thanksgiving day.
Thanksgiving, I am and my husband are going to our friends. It is fun, we enjoy it, and life is great. That is my idea of healthy. Thanks
I stated
Dear Daniel
It was very nice to hear from you. It is nice you have a great desire for the clothes your grandmother made for you. She is in the last stages of life, and I know she would be thrilled, if she were in her right mind (Alzheimer's).
Do you have a PO BOX
Do you have an address.
Please get back to me, if you desire these, as you stated. I always have an open door, and open phone, and unconditional love.
Love, your one and only Mother
Please, thank you I have heard all of the advice I need. I just landed by the way 8 days after I was mauled by a Australian Shepard and part of my lip was torn off, the best HOUSE MANAGEMENT JOB. I did not want to go for eldercare, as the last 7 months with Suzanne were very very hard.
This is a dream job and I am very very lucky. I am a hard working woman, and a loving mother. Motherhood is what defines me, I let them go when they graduated from college. Of course they have come back about 3 times since then. Or Daniel has. Tim, has been an independent soul, that emails me everyday to tell me he loves me. They are two different people (thank you PAM) :-) and CAPTAIN, and all of you who are to the point yet real.
On this site when someone says think about going back into therapy. I have been there done that, and I let go, literally 10 years ago. What people think of me is none of my business.
Remember, I was a child of a raging alcoholic. My mother never said she was sorry, because I loved her. I was taught somewhere that mother's and father's are to be respected. There has never been any physical abuse in my life, Emotional abuse with an Alcoholic mom, to me it is the disease talking. She became sober after she dropped Daniel when he was 4 month's old on his head.
People, my son means the world to me. But he will not run me or live my life. I live a very very happy life with my husband. I thank all of you, because my husband stated, I just don't know what to tell you, please can you either go to therapy or post on aging care.com. I have learned so much from all of you and all of you are so very different. and PAM one day, I will write a question with 50 words or less. GOD BLESS to everyone..
My suggestion is that you find s way to redirect your emotional and physical energies to those who NEED YOU...a local nursing home, for example, or an animal shelter. You have a lot to give, I suspect, and you would feel valued. Meanwhile, gather up those baby clothes and mail them to your son, with no note or guilt-inducing comment. I think he may open the box and have a t wing...MAYBE he will even thank you eventually when the baby begins to wear them.
But for your own sake...shift your focus from how badly you feel and how son does not care right now about you. His wife has to deal with those attitude, you do not. Do not be a victim to your own regrets or his angers.
GO out and do good where you ARE needed. Visit people in the hospital who have no one for company....care for a dog/cat rescued from a shelter. Put all your emotions and energies to better use. Son may or may not come around, meanwhile......share your goodness where it is needed. I know it hurts to be ignored, rejected etc...... SUCK IT UP and move out into the world where you CAN help!
Oh God, this child has been forgiven, and I have done what I needed to do. I sent him an email asking for a po box or an mailing address to send the clothes, he has asked for. I did not talk about all the other stuff. That is his stuff and his stuff to own. About 10 years ago, my other son, by the way they have no relationship because he said, mom dan is just "different" blames people for the wrongs in his life, and mom and dad happen to have a grandchild coming, so here comes the email.
He doesn't know that Tim and I are close. How could he, he hasn't spoken to me or Tim for Five years?
Angry, well what you heard, was ok, i need people's opinions now what. Angry, no, hurt, probably, but I was told LONG ago by a psychologist to let go of this child that he needed to "own" his issues.
Who is perfect in this world? This is the best part of life, the imperfection of us all.
We are all human, we all have feelings, and we all feel differently. His friends used to say, Dan your mom is so open and accepting and loves you so much, his responds. I guess, but that was because I wouldn't buy the expensive care. Everything was about entitlement, and still is. That is not angry, that is the truth.
You did what you could in the midst of your own pain. Some of it may not have been quite right. You and I can start an imperfect parent club, but our applications for membership will be overwhelming if enough people are honest about it. So now what? Give him whatever love you can with no strings attached and apologies for the things you think you legitimately can, also with no strings attached. Give him the clothes, the way he wants them given, packaged lovingly and carefully as you might. Let him "win," absolutely. Pray. Open door, open hands...its not something you can do, to either change the past or decide for him when he will heal himself enough to look back at you and see and remember the times you did show your love. And you have shared here how angry you are, in your ongoing pain, and surely he knows the reality that you judge him and compare him to your other children who have coped better, and he can't face that either. He blames you for these faults of his and that will be hard for him to give up. It sounds like not only does he need to forgive, but to be forgiven.
I took a lot of crippling emotional abuse from my mom and could have been closer to her and my dad than I was before she really lost her health and needed care, though the longest we weren't on spekaing terms (I dared to tell her I did not need my home and housekeeping continually criticized and I was doing the best I could) was several months, so never really estranged. She too did many things for me and the grand kids and they all "count" in many ways. She REALLY verbally abused my dad and messed up his meds and landed him in the hospital, being too stubborn to admit she could not read the new doctors orders and would not even use a magnifier to try to. Now they are both gone, and the healing and forgiving and accepting and untangling process still goes on. I can hope that by now Mom has also forgiven me for being an imperfect daughter and making her feel inadequate as a mother too.
LLF ,
i think your son will come around when the baby is born . fathers experience some pretty amazing hormonal changes when a baby is born . i never thought id let a baby barf down my neck or change crappy diapers either but when it was my own babies i never flinched at either .
And to whom ever these clothes are in excellent shape, and excuse my language to the clothes are clothes. the relationship is what in my opinion I was living my life without him for years, and somedays wondering but knowing I was living the very best I could with sadness, gosh I wouldn't be human if I told you not attending any christmas or thanksgiving with my family made me sad. Gosh yes. I spend it with my mother, and now, my sister is wanting to attend and now my father too. so something is going on, no one is telling be, but then again, remember I am the youngest, and they as young girls did their best to keep me in the dark.
Remember many issues, one situation: very fractured family
one is close as close can be. He is 26, and calls me everyday or texts via Boise Idaho
My sister is removed from the entire family, her husband died young she was 50 he was 60. She left the earth for a while so to speak and grieved, and let go of any and all that were important to her. Those are two separate situations. Oh and to add joy to that, my father chose her as the POA. But that is too much for one blog.
I have had 19 care jobs involving 15 children, and all have wanted to adopt me as their mother, they love me, I am a cool mom, but of course I am not their biological mom. Many say they like me because I have boundaries. My parents are too busy to care is what I here. All I am doing is what I did for my parents, only now, I have the time to spend my time with others, and help them. I think that speaks volumes for the person that I am. I am not a saint, and yes to the very best of my knowledge and to the father's perspective, I am the last person in the world that he would ever go against, is what was said to me. The last.
but really, those things he will not let go of. whether it be that his father needed to make room for the other children and moved his bedroom stuff into the garage (temporarily), wow was that ever an awakening moment. Then when both of us wanted to remarry, we heard how he should have received his "ok" this is a 19 year old child at the time. The same child that witnessed me hit my head hard 10 years ago and end up in a Canada ER with 5 Grand map seizures. Really? so I am not trying to be hard, I never have been, if anything, people have said, he does this to you because you are soft, you are the mother, his father, says it to him straight. I am not a debater, I am a realist, if someone's mind is not in the right understanding of what real life is, then there is absolutely no use in any conversation.
It is like trying to talk to a flying pig.
The other thing is if maybe he is a fundamental Christian. My brother and his family are fundamental Christians. One thing they do is separate who they feel is Christian enough from "the others." These others are delegated into "the world" and are separate from themselves. Member of these cult-like groups can separate themselves from the birth family if they feel they aren't Christian enough and adopt the church family as their own. This is what my brother and his family did to my parents. When it is very extreme, the members of the group can cut themselves totally off from their "sinful" birth family. I wonder if this might have happened with your son, livelifefull.
You say you have never done anything to bring this on. That is your perspective and he and sister have their perspective...which you may never understand or acknowledge. I love my parents, but don't have the warm and fuzzys. I made the best of our relationship, my brother and others divorced themselves from family, and for some good reasons...I'm the peacemaker and have tried to make up for my brother not wanting anything to do with mom anymore, but my mom refuses to acknowledge or take ownership of past hurtful behaviors --still believing she and dad were great parents. PERSPECTIVES.
Have you examined why 2 of your 3 children don't speak to you? It happens and I'm not saying you aren't wonderful parents and they are just brats...that happens to.
You can't change perspective or try to set the record straight. Both sides will have to work through this in their own times. You will have to move on and then hopefully, when he returns to flock, you can open your arms and put old hurts aside.
I don't understand the hurtful way you are being treated. I don't have this particular type situation, but my Mama's two grandchildren (now grown adults) and my brother's wife are all ignoring me and my 90 yo Mama who has always been there for them. It has been hurtful and impossible to understand. I have tried every way on earth to "fix' it, but since I don't understand why they are doing any of it...I don't know what else to do so I am following my Mama's example and leaving them all to their own devices. She would tell me, leave the door open, but you have done all you can do...Don't harbor a grudge about it and turn it over to God...It seems you have already done what you can do and so as Captain said, tell them have a nice life...I'll be here if you need me....you can't make them change...one day I think they will ....I'm sorry you are having to go through all this....
Take advice of others here and let your son know how disappointed you are. And if the items are not in good shape as our knit items are, do not use them as a means to manipulate your son.
my mother has alzheimer's, and she did make some really neat creative things. Things you could never replace. they are not everyday clothes. A few hand crafted blankets, and yes the one thing I am talking about is a pouch thing crocheted with a zipper and little gloves that are stringed through the sleeves and a hood. My mother spend days and hours on it. It is special. People I get it baby clothes are clothes. These are clothes that mean something to my son. 15 years ago, he stated do not get rid of any of this, mom, I would like to have it. So, somewhere deep down, I know that boy loves me, I know it, but like everyone has said, he does have issues, how does anyone think his father and I felt when he came home from the peace corp about 40 pounds thinner at 120pds and 6.1. A shock. He wouldn't talk for a long while. We later found out that the family that had him the father or the head man stated if he was caught looking at one of his girls he would have to marry them. they are muslim, joking or not, my son called me every night in fear of everything.
The last night he was there they stated that the US sends people to that City Madaba (sp) Jordon because they are spies. So far from the truth, but he was 23 - 25. That is pretty young to be into a city where you don't have one person to talk too. He did it, it is what happened when he returned home. No one understands. and, yes, you guessed it, we paid for counselors and there was much silence. I don't know what happened. I worked hours with the US consulate of Jordan and US to find out. Not much a mom can know or a dad that is a State Patrolman, at the age of over 19.
You could just mail it to one of the post offices as a general delivery item mfor him to pick up. Or even one of the post office box rental stores. I am fairly sure that they will accept those sorts of packages for a fee. And make sure you request signature required by addressee for release of item!
Son has some interest in contacting you. It is unusual, especially for a male to care about hand me down clothes, even if they are made by grandma. Are the clothes sewn with gold thread? It is more than clothing he wants!
He said, Daniel is just a different breed mom. Everything in life is about him, I called him in August, this is my son talking to tell him I wanted to mail him something for his birthday, and he said, "just give it to Sue" Sue is my one sister that Daniel does every blue moon have contact with, and I mean every blue moon, because my father lives there and hasn't seen him there for month's.
I believe the sending the clothes to my sister's house is giving in, yet, I also believe I am the adult, heck everyone I have been an adult since I was 7 years old. It is a lot of fun. At times, it is like "wow, really, people are so mean spirit, or whatever"
"I was a mother that always talked about things right away"
and yes Jeanne, I believe the religious part is a large large part of it, and I am not talking a normal relationship. He had dreams of going into the CIA, possibly still will because he speaks fluent Arabic, but regardless, "his life is a secret". It always has been.
i do not have his address. i have tried to get it, to no avail. he tells no one his address. he is a very secretive young man. Yes, we thought of that. crazy isn't it.
You are the parent be the bigger person and make then son. Do not ask to see him.
Perhaps he is just too righteous for his imperfect family.