I'm still shaking as I type this...
So, my sister (the one with the bratty, ungrateful kid that called me selfish) wanted to visit Dad for Easter. I was OK with her and her husband coming to visit, and I knew they would need some assistance with his new oxygen apparatus.
Imagine my surprise (and subsequent RAGE) when I walk through Daddy's door to find the bratty niece sitting on his sofa!!!!! I saw RED!!!!! I spun on my heels, walked out the door and slammed it. I knew that spending any time in that situation would potentially land me an assault charge. When I get that angry, I disengage in order to protect myself or the person on the receiving end of my wrath.
I had almost made it to the entrance of the facility when my sister walks outside. It was all downhill from there. Let's just say my language was colorful... something to the affect of "Get that ungrateful so-and-so out of my father's apartment" which she responded to with colorful language. I basically told her to go back upstairs and I left.
Mind you...other people were watching this in astonishment. So I now look unstable and crazy for blowing up.
The brat sent me a TEXT (notice how she can never speak to me directly) in response to the situation which I didn't even read.
I'm embarrassed on my behalf because I gave into stereotypical African American behavior (something I strive hard to fight against as an educated black woman) by yelling and cursing in the parking lot of a public place.
This just fuels the "family's" fire of me being erratic, unstable... blah blah blah.
I want to place a restraining order against this niece and have her on the do-not-visit list of my Dad's place. Is that selfish?
I really can not stand my whole family dynamic. It's always been dysfunctional, but Dad's illness just makes it worse.
I'm just exhausted. If I cut them off, I'll be the big bad daughter that's limiting Dad from seeing his "family" who didn't give a crap about him in the first place.
Am I abusing my POA by restraining them? Happy ______ing Easter.
You are better than this. Better than that crazy woman that came out in the parking lot yesterday. They WANT you to act like the crazy woman (again, I speak from experience) because it somehow justifies to them their own actions. Many times now I avoid entirely or walk away singing "Let It Go" in my head. Yes, it's hard, but we can do this. {hugs}
im not trying to be snarfly because everything is complicated in elder care and we all succumb to emotion sometimes .. you may need your family at some point so dont drive them away ..
Why did it upset you so badly to see your niece sitting on the sofa? And do you think your father could be setting up this family dysfunction? Maybe it would be best to try to get the sane family people together and figure out what is going on. It would be great to pull together more, instead of battling at each other -- particularly if the battles are being orchestrated by things going on behind the scene.
And whatever you do, don't hurt yourself to try to serve your father. We have to remember how important we are, and that our needs count just as much. If we don't take care of ourselves, no one will. Big hugs to you as you work through this. Don't let the anger eat you from inside. I know that it can. I am forever wrestling with my own anger over the unfairness of things.
Emotional pain turned outward is anger. Emotional pain turned inward is depression.
Your anger is coming from your pain. Your pain is splattered all over your last post. It sounds like your whole childhood was a bummer (like mine), endless women in the house (me too! My dad took the "lady" into the bedroom, told me not to come in and shut the door.), violence (me too! He threw a crystal ashtray at me, missing my head by an inch) abandonment of siblings (I am an only child, but my divorced parents were alcoholics). I, too, did it all. My dad had been awful to me growing up. I loved him but I hated him too. I was so stinkin' mad when, in my 40's, I had to move my debilitated, sick dad near me to take care of him. I remember sitting on my bed screaming at God, " WHY do I have to do this?" "I don't deserve this. Didn't I go through enough?" I was so mad that I had to hold things together, once again. There was no way I could be my dad's caregiver with all that anger. I decided to pretend he was my patient (I'm a nurse) instead of my dad. That helped somewhat. I realized that the anger was consuming ME and was a cover-up for pain. Then I had a "poor me-pity party" with a good cry. It's hard to let go of anger because we've been wronged. Of course we're mad about it. But you MUST let it go, not for them, but for your own well being. Anger is like cancer, it only gets worse if you don't cut it out. Why would you withhold happiness from your life to spend the energy to hate someone? There are many fine books and groups for anger management. Check them out. A friend of mine and I use the phrase, "Let it go!"
Unless your father doesn't want to see these people who irritate YOU, you shouldn't keep him from seeing them. Just don't be there when they are visiting. I wish the best for you.
I did specify that they must let me know WHO is coming and WHEN so I can stay far, far away. I can't even occupy space with them and we don't have to share the same space. They can visit Dad without me being there.
Bratty niece took her tyrade to Facebook (what is it with young people and cyber courage?) basically calling me a coward... almost taunting me. Who does that?
Thanklessjob, thank you soooo much! It helps to know that I'm not the only one that has been through HE** and still trying to do the right thing.
Nothing irritates me more than when people see my Dad and I and say something cliche like "You're going to be blessed..." I don't care about the future. I just want peace now.
I don't like being the bigger person. I've had to do that all my life (even when I just wanted to be a normal little girl).
I just wish all of this would end.
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