I'm still shaking as I type this...
So, my sister (the one with the bratty, ungrateful kid that called me selfish) wanted to visit Dad for Easter. I was OK with her and her husband coming to visit, and I knew they would need some assistance with his new oxygen apparatus.
Imagine my surprise (and subsequent RAGE) when I walk through Daddy's door to find the bratty niece sitting on his sofa!!!!! I saw RED!!!!! I spun on my heels, walked out the door and slammed it. I knew that spending any time in that situation would potentially land me an assault charge. When I get that angry, I disengage in order to protect myself or the person on the receiving end of my wrath.
I had almost made it to the entrance of the facility when my sister walks outside. It was all downhill from there. Let's just say my language was colorful... something to the affect of "Get that ungrateful so-and-so out of my father's apartment" which she responded to with colorful language. I basically told her to go back upstairs and I left.
Mind you...other people were watching this in astonishment. So I now look unstable and crazy for blowing up.
The brat sent me a TEXT (notice how she can never speak to me directly) in response to the situation which I didn't even read.
I'm embarrassed on my behalf because I gave into stereotypical African American behavior (something I strive hard to fight against as an educated black woman) by yelling and cursing in the parking lot of a public place.
This just fuels the "family's" fire of me being erratic, unstable... blah blah blah.
I want to place a restraining order against this niece and have her on the do-not-visit list of my Dad's place. Is that selfish?
I really can not stand my whole family dynamic. It's always been dysfunctional, but Dad's illness just makes it worse.
I'm just exhausted. If I cut them off, I'll be the big bad daughter that's limiting Dad from seeing his "family" who didn't give a crap about him in the first place.
Am I abusing my POA by restraining them? Happy ______ing Easter.
I was snipping and snarling today at my sig other because he went to the gym instead of being with me at my parent's house to help me sort and move out some of the items.
Next time, tell them to "talk to the hand" as you don't want to get into any fights over Dad's care. And if they think they can do a better job, let them at it. You are doing what you think is best for your Dad, and you are now burning out. Welcome to the club. Pat yourself on the back for doing all that you have been doing, and walk away with a smile.
im not trying to be snarfly because everything is complicated in elder care and we all succumb to emotion sometimes .. you may need your family at some point so dont drive them away ..
Why did it upset you so badly to see your niece sitting on the sofa? And do you think your father could be setting up this family dysfunction? Maybe it would be best to try to get the sane family people together and figure out what is going on. It would be great to pull together more, instead of battling at each other -- particularly if the battles are being orchestrated by things going on behind the scene.
And whatever you do, don't hurt yourself to try to serve your father. We have to remember how important we are, and that our needs count just as much. If we don't take care of ourselves, no one will. Big hugs to you as you work through this. Don't let the anger eat you from inside. I know that it can. I am forever wrestling with my own anger over the unfairness of things.
It gives you the authority to help him obtain a restraining order IF that is what he wants.
You are better than this. Better than that crazy woman that came out in the parking lot yesterday. They WANT you to act like the crazy woman (again, I speak from experience) because it somehow justifies to them their own actions. Many times now I avoid entirely or walk away singing "Let It Go" in my head. Yes, it's hard, but we can do this. {hugs}
I didn't read the full texts because I knew they would be venomous and hateful and angry.
Yes, this is YEARS of dysfunction coming to a head, and the people in question aren't even blood related to my father. The "sister" and I share a mother, but she ran away from home around the age of 10 and didn't materialize again until college age (which Dad helped pay for). She disappeared again and re-appeared when her daughters went to college. She now lives in Dad's old house (I didn't want it).
I can count on one hand how many times I even seen this ungrateful, bratty daughter who has such an opinion of how "selfish" and evil I am, and how my actions led to the suicide of my brother... those words alone make me not want her in my presence at all. Until yesterday, she had NEVER come to see my father, and I felt shocked and angry that my sister still has done nothing to reprimand that horrid little B****!!!
For years (not my choice) it was just Dad and me. He abandoned his other children, and after a certain age, the revolving door of women FINALLY closed (I can't tell you how many women I called "mom" because I wanted one so badly).
The uber religious "step mom" that mothered my now deceased brother was 27 years younger than him and reminded me how ugly, retarded, weird and stupid I was every day. In the event that dad did hit her (which was often), it somehow became my fault which determined if I got dinner that night or not.
So... the whole dynamic is completely a mess, so now I feel like none of these people DESERVE to be a part of the end. Why should I ease their guilt or remain subjected to their negative comments and judgements while they live their lives and I'm sacrificing EVERYTHING to care for Dad in spite of our history?
I hear everyone, and you make valid points. I still think I need a couple days to cool off. Honestly, I don't WANT to forgive anyone. I've been told to do that all my life to no avail. I could care less if I EVER saw any of them again, and once Dad is gone, I will have NO family.
Is there at least a way for me to arrange that we don't cross paths at least? Yep... still mad!
You could practice looking at a picture of them and saying, "We are not actually on speaking terms. I know you are here for Dad and that's fine. But I have never been able to forgive you for the very, very cruel things you said to me about the loss of my brother. They were not true and they hurt me very deeply. You cannot expect to just have a conversation with me or expect me to listen to you before any kind of an apology takes place for those horrible, unfounded accusations."
Leave them and their sins for God to judge and correct. Your stepmom's self-serving self-justifying "religion" was no more pleasing to God than the current state of presidential politics in America - God does not like bullies especially bullies who claim to be bullying in His good name. You don't need to be the one to correct them, or take it on yourself in any way shape or form to see that they understand the wrongness of what they did (quite possibly futlie especially if they can always get a rise out of you and invalidate you in their eyes by saying somethng even uglier and meaner) or that they get anything they deserve or don't deserve. Hanging on to the idea that you can or should be the one to punish them is just letting them take up space in your heart, and that is the one thing they truly do not deserve. You deserve to be strong in your own heart for your own life and journey that will take you far away from the belittling past you have endured and its slings and arrow that you have already found to be so false.
Emotional pain turned outward is anger. Emotional pain turned inward is depression.
Your anger is coming from your pain. Your pain is splattered all over your last post. It sounds like your whole childhood was a bummer (like mine), endless women in the house (me too! My dad took the "lady" into the bedroom, told me not to come in and shut the door.), violence (me too! He threw a crystal ashtray at me, missing my head by an inch) abandonment of siblings (I am an only child, but my divorced parents were alcoholics). I, too, did it all. My dad had been awful to me growing up. I loved him but I hated him too. I was so stinkin' mad when, in my 40's, I had to move my debilitated, sick dad near me to take care of him. I remember sitting on my bed screaming at God, " WHY do I have to do this?" "I don't deserve this. Didn't I go through enough?" I was so mad that I had to hold things together, once again. There was no way I could be my dad's caregiver with all that anger. I decided to pretend he was my patient (I'm a nurse) instead of my dad. That helped somewhat. I realized that the anger was consuming ME and was a cover-up for pain. Then I had a "poor me-pity party" with a good cry. It's hard to let go of anger because we've been wronged. Of course we're mad about it. But you MUST let it go, not for them, but for your own well being. Anger is like cancer, it only gets worse if you don't cut it out. Why would you withhold happiness from your life to spend the energy to hate someone? There are many fine books and groups for anger management. Check them out. A friend of mine and I use the phrase, "Let it go!"
Unless your father doesn't want to see these people who irritate YOU, you shouldn't keep him from seeing them. Just don't be there when they are visiting. I wish the best for you.
I did specify that they must let me know WHO is coming and WHEN so I can stay far, far away. I can't even occupy space with them and we don't have to share the same space. They can visit Dad without me being there.
Bratty niece took her tyrade to Facebook (what is it with young people and cyber courage?) basically calling me a coward... almost taunting me. Who does that?
Thanklessjob, thank you soooo much! It helps to know that I'm not the only one that has been through HE** and still trying to do the right thing.
Nothing irritates me more than when people see my Dad and I and say something cliche like "You're going to be blessed..." I don't care about the future. I just want peace now.
I don't like being the bigger person. I've had to do that all my life (even when I just wanted to be a normal little girl).
I just wish all of this would end.
Tinyblu, are you doing better today. Do NOT let those bimbos control your life by getting a rise out of you. Though I know exactly how you feel re my BIL & his wife. I absolutely cannot stand them....don't even want to breathe the same air as them. So I avoid them at all costs. When I do have to be around them, I humor myself by being so sickeningly sweet to them -- all the time holding an open paper clip in my hand and jabbing myself while imagining it being jabbed at them. Or something like that.
I would suspect that anger management skills would also help you in other areas of your life, not just dealing with the family ordeal. I would explore it as others have suggested. Even though it sounds like you were treated very unfairly and that you have suffered, having poor emotional control skills will not serve you well in life. ( Allowing others to push your buttons only works to help them in the long run.) It makes it difficult to be in relationships and severely limits you in the business world. I wish you all the best.
I'm doing a little better today. As I continue to navigate the waters of Dad's decreasing health, I had a turning point.
I realized (with help of therapist) that I am somewhat responsible for my own martyrdom by NOT taking somewhat of a stand. I also realized once I got "under the hood" of the anger, that a lot of it stems from resenting all of THEM for having the life I wish I had.
Bratty niece had the freedom to do young girl things and go outside and play while I spent the majority of my childhood cleaning up adult messes that I never SHOULD have had to clean up. I unconsciously resented that so it is no wonder that her judgement takes me over the edge when she really has NO idea what I go through.
I resent my sister (Bratty's mom) for having the freedom to coupon with friends (all of mine have dwindled away because I'm never available to go out with them), to participate in a running group (when I gained 25 pounds because care giving exhausts me to the point that I can't work out 4 times a week like I used to) or go on mini vacations with her hubby (my relationship broke up after I started caregiving and I can barely afford my rent from month to month) so the fact that she doesn't even ACKNOWLEDGE my sacrifice while she lives her life is infuriating.
The truth is... all of these judgemental you-know-what's wouldn't last a week doing what I'm doing, and I'm working on getting to the point of being OK with taking my life back. I'm still young and shouldn't have to throw my life away because Dad is old and sick.
I'm doing the best I can, and all the nay sayers need to just stick it (how I wish I could find the courage to tell THEM that)!
I joined a caregiver support group when Mom moved in with us. It was there I realized I (like everyone else in the group) had the personality trait of being a "fixer". We all felt we and only we could fix things. That morphed into no one else in the family even trying because they knew we would do it if left long enough.
From there and from this group I gained the strength to say ENOUGH! What about me? I, too, am entitled to a life. So I called a family meeting & told my 3 siblings it wasn't working out with Mom living in my home, it was disrupting too many lives, and either one of them had to take her or she had to move back into her own home (which they were in the process of cleaning out to sell) & 24/7 care was to be arranged & managed by sister who lived 2 miles away from Mom (I was 60 miles away) or we had to place her in Assisted Living. If no decision was made, I had planned on taking Mom on a "visit" to sister & leaving her there.
Assisted Living it was and within 2 weeks Mom was there. She wasn't happy, but I sure was! I had my life back. And my sanity. And my marriage.
I tell you all this, Tinyblu, because it sure sounds like you're feeling all the same thing....even more so. Yeah, I wanted to tell them all to stick it. Yeah, I wanted to get all that rage out of me. But once I decided to focus on ME & what was best for me, I realized they all weren't worth it. Too much effort to do that, & I wanted all my efforts to be positive ones for me.
So my visits with Mom are just that....visits. The ALF is close to sister, so I backed off & leave all the BS for her to deal with. She keeps trying to push it back on me and I say "if I get a chance" and then never find the chance. Oh, and to add insult to injury, sister and I are both POA for the last 10 years, but she never told me or gave me the piece of paper the lawyer gave her to give me. So she has been handling & skimming $$$ all these years. NOW she wants me to get involved....I just tell her she is doing a fine job so let's leave well enough alone. And I make sure nothing points to me .
As someone wrote on here a long time ago....Our parents lived their lives. No where is it written that we are to give up ours so they can continue to live theirs.
You can do this!
I've decided that Dad AND I are better off if we move him to the full Assisted Living side of his current facility. The independent living and assisted living buildings are right next door to each other.
I'm sure I'll have a few OMG moments during the transition, and I fully expect some resistance, but two years of placing my life on hold to feed my own guilt and sense of obligation is enough.
I'm looking forward to looking for another full time job that pays what I'm worth because I will have the freedom to travel and know that Dad will be OK. I'm only 38. There's no reason why my life should come to a screeching halt. No one else in the "family" pressed the pause button. Why should I??
Thanks for helping me navigate through this!!