Am I wrong for my decision?

I think that you are correct, actually moving on, after a period of time will strengthen your relationship. Of coarse, this will take time, you will need to be patient and roll with the ups and downs.

You are entitled to a life of your own, keep in mind that your mother could easily live another 20 years, don't put your life on hold for her.

I wish you the best, do what is right for you!

You are absolutely correct. It is time now to move on. Let your mother hire her own help as she needs it. Give her a date of your move and begin to look for a place. It is quite simple really. Just say "I love you Mom, and I so appreciate your having been here for me when I needed you; I tried to pull my own weight around here. But now I find that I would like now to live along and get back up on my own feet. I will try to get a place close enough so that we can visit often".
Of course she will be a bit angry. Worried. That's to be expected. Do not get her help. That is her job unless she is unable for some reason. You are co-ing her and increasing her dependence.
Wishing you luck and hoping you will update.

Definitely making the right decision moving out. You can live near her instead. The space will do you both good. She can have someone else help her , and you visit sometimes.

Wish you all the best

I’m sorry you waited so long .You made the right call , enjoy your life .

The plan was for you to move in temporarily. Not forever. After 2 years of care giving, I'd be quite surprised if she DIDN'T try to use whatever tricks she could to keep you there and keep you care giving for her. Remember that you are entitled to your own life, free and clear of guilt, and that's what you should do: MOVE OUT. When she lays the guilt trip on you, just keep repeating that you were only living with her temporarily, and it's now time for you to move on. You're not abandoning her or resigning as her daughter, you're moving into a place of your own, which is your right.

Good luck & have fun!

Buy her a lovely thankyou gift for helping & supporting you. She may be gracious or sad. She may be angry & bitter.

And yes, move out. Time to spread your wings & fly solo.

Become a loving daughter who visits or goes out for coffee instead. Your relationship may need a cooling off period but will eventually be probably better for it.

Thank you for all the advice.I'm going to start putting plans in motion,and if all goes as I hope,will be out the first week of March,

Get out of there and get on with your life! She's only 68, do you want to be her servant for potentially another 30 years?

Finding her someone else to help her...

What does this 68 year old lady need help with? Does she actually have any care needs as such?

Before long, 68 is going to be the official retirement age where I live. Most 68 year olds, therefore, will either still be in or only just have left full-time employment. Your mother is *young*, is the point. So - what the heck's going on?

What was your relationship with her like before your divorce?

Your description reminds me so much of what happened in my relationship with my mother. It was different circumstances but the feelings are identical. I essentially became my mom's servant rather than her daughter and it absolutely puts a strain on the relationship. For me it damaged our relationship.

I was already caring for mom before we lived together. She has Parkinson's disease. She was no longer driving because of the disease and seizures so naturally I felt an obligation to help. Let me also say that I was the child who had always been closest to my parents, long before I had cared for my parents. I truly loved my parents. Were there conflicts? Of course, there are always conflicts in any relationship. Anyone who says that they have a perfect relationship without any conflicts in life is a liar.

Anyway, after a major storm in our city, Hurricane Katrina which left my mother homeless, I invited her to live with our family. All was well in the beginning and I truly wanted to be there for my mom. Things changed. Mom started needing more care. I had to quit my job. That nearly destroyed me. My work was a part of who I was. My full time job became mom's caregiver. It sucks the life out of us.

Mom changed. I changed. Friction became greater and greater. She did not handle boundaries well. She refused to pay for outside help. The end result, I burned out. Mom involved my siblings. My siblings never helped me but they surely did criticize me. They quickly turned on me. It became a big mess and resulted in me asking mom to leave my home and live with my 'know it all' brother who did not really care to understand my frustration. It was awful. Please, move forward in your life. Don't become stagnated like I did. I paid a big price and so did my family.

Don't let your stress build to the point of losing your mom. I have only spoken to mom a couple of times on the phone since she left. I refuse to have a relationship with my brothers which was never that great before the conflicts but became unbearable afterwards so I feel I must protect myself from retaining a toxic relationship with them.

Am I sad? Yes, I have sadness. I wish my relationship was not strained with my mom. Regrets? I did what I had to do to heal. Real damage can occur in these situations. I sense damage has happened in your life and you are looking for healing and you deserve healing. You will have questions or perhaps doubt but you will not miss the agony. You will see once you do step away that in spite of any discomfort it is for the best.

I am not sure if I explained the emotions attached to these situations clearly enough but I hope you will find some encouragement in knowing that there are valid reasons for going forward in your life. We can't sacrifice our entire life for anyone.

As my priest once said on the alter, "Not all of us are called to be like Mother Teresa." It really helped me to hear those words because I believe they are true. Yes, some are able to manage, not without sacrifice, struggles or frustration but they cope better. We are all individual. Be true to yourself. Be who you need to be.

Best wishes to you. Take care. Resume your life. Thank your mom for her help but tell her that you need your independence.

Move. NO ONE can “use guilt” unless their victim allows them to. Some people are “young” at 67, and some are not, but I GUARANTEE YOU that she is OLDER because you are babying her, and NOT younger.

She NEEDS to address the hearing issue because sensory deprivation increases the risk for cognitive loss, but if she refuses to do so, there is really nothing you can do to convince her that she should.

So exciting that you’re going back to school and joining the ranks of the employed!! A wonderful step forward for you! Appreciate it as such, and allow mama to enter her big girl lingerie and move forward for herself as well.

HER CHOICE and DEFINITELY NOT YOUR RESPONSIBILITY!!!

Its time. Two years is not too long but long enough to get it together.

Not sure if this is right but another member said "its not enabling her its debilitating her" If I am wrong please correct. I am 70 and I am not declining. I still do for myself and hope to for ages. Your Mom should be very capable to do for herself. You may have done her no favor in doing everything for her. But, its now time to fly the nest, again.

Tell her that you appreciate her allowing u to live with her until "you got on your feet". And you now feel you are there. It looks like you will be able to leave in March and start a new chapter in your life. If she gets upset, explain this was always how it was to be. You will always be there for her but its time for you to be on your own. You need to do this for you. You need to learn to be on your own.

I truly believe two woman cannot live together if the house belongs to one of them. The resentment may be just little things. You do things different than Mom. She will do the dishes, in her time, u get there first. My daughter came here to live for 9 months. She changed my pantry around. I couldn't find anything when I went to bake. She was using my laptop and reorganized my folders. I still have a problem finding things. (don't use it much)

I have been in ur shoes. I spent 1 yr at my parents with a daughter who was 1 when we moved in. Had a brother who felt the house was his, even though he had been in the service 2 1/2yrs. We got into a fight because I asked him to quiet down so my daughter could sleep. That was it. This was Christmas time. Found an ad for an apartment I could afford. I moved in the beginning of January. Everything went like clockwork. Best thing I had ever did. When I married I went right from my parents home. I found out I can do it on my own. You need to do this.

My DH has had hearing problems since he was 3 or 4. Its isolating. Is it easier for Mom to allow you to run errands because she can't hear? Its embarrassing for her? If she doesn't have hearing aides, then she needs to get them. It will change her world. And like said, not hearing can cause cognitive decline. Your Mom will be so much better on her own and doing for herself.

These situations can be tough because it's hard to discern who is the giver of help and who is the receiver. Sounds like both of you have some needs - you needed shelter and support until you got on your feet and she needed companionship and care until - when? Sounds like she may be pretty content with the situation and she may be assuming you are content as well. Are you back on your feet? If you're not, please be honest with yourself about that and develop a plan to get there. Also make an honest assessment of what your mom truly can and cannot do for herself - I can almost guarantee you will need that information for something at some point.

Please don't hire your mom's help when you move. If she asks, then you can find the name of a good agency. But you don't want to be in the position of being in any way associated with someone she will come to resent and fire.

You are "back on your feet" and that was the reason for you to move in. Mission accomplished.
Sure she will miss having a "gofer" but if she can manage on her own then there is no reason for you to feel guilty.
If it makes her feel better that you are not "abandoning" her maybe make 1 day a week a Mom day and you can help her do things that are more difficult for her to do.
You can still cook, just make extra and portion it and freeze meals for her.
You can run errands if she has no other way to get things done but do this when it is convenient for you not her.
She can hire a cleaning company to do heavy cleaning 1X a month the rest of the time I am sure she can do things herself.
At 70 she should be active in many things and if she isn't help her get involved. Local Senior center might be a good place to start. If she is active in church or other place of worship I am sure there are committees that need volunteers. The local animal shelter, they always need help.

I was, "conditioned" to be mom's caregiver....starting 40 years ago. I am 54 now. It is what the females in our family did, took care of their aging parents. I hope that you get out before you feel stuck as so many of us describe. Sounds as though your mom is still young enough to reap the rewards of senior living. Possibly your mom needs to rediscover herself and her abilities. I know about the guilt trips that you describe. I hope that you move out before that guilt trip sinks into the sub consciousness of your being like mine has. After 4 years of being mom's sole care taker, I am virtually friendless because I work and come home to care taking duties. I struggle with so much guilt that I can't even make a decision to move closer to my boyfriend by taking mom with me because I have always put her needs 1st. Good luck to you.

I’m so glad to read a poster on here who can set boundaries even if there will be consequences. Bravo for you! I’m pleased to hear you say you’re ready to move on.
And by the way, I turn 68 this year and have a very active life. I can’t imagine why your mother is letting you do all these chores and tasks. That is not right.
good for you!! Enjoy your life now and have some fun on your own. Plus it shows how responsible you are.

No you are not wrong. It’s normal to feel guilty. You won’t regret giving yourself distance. You deserve to be independent and do things for yourself. If caring for your mom has created strain and stress, it’s best to get outside help.
In my experience, I felt worse about the years I lost that were dedicated to being my moms primary caregiver, instead of learning skills, socializing and making career moves. She still cooks and cleans. But I drive, am her only best friend, emotional support and entertainment etc. If I’d had the time to myself I would have been in a better place financially and mentally. And perhaps better capable of now orchestrating care for her.
Plus my mom got used to me making her my entire world for the past 11 years. So used to it that she struggles with boundaries and giving me space now that I have a new baby and husband.
But I wished that I spent those years building and preparing myself to be in a better position. Not just for me but for my new family too.
Just be ready, not all moms are easy to distance from. My own mom still guilt trips, gaslights, gets clingy and whatever else she can think of to keep me attached to her.
I just tell myself distance is better and necessary in order for me to thrive. And for my family to thrive. You've done your part. Find a senior place or another caregiver to help out if you can.
You have one life and it’s worth putting first and pursuing happiness. Best wishes to you.

Sit Mom down and lay it on th eFine Line of how you feel. I agree you should begin to have your own Life and to help with some of the Strife, Arrange something. She may try and make you feel Guilty but do no tenable it. Tell her you are never Deserting her but wil also be there to help as well.

You aren't wrong to want some normalcy in your life and you've come to know that being a fulltime caregiver isn't what you desire to be.

I too am a fulltime caregiver for my 84 yr old father, and our close bond has become strained.
For those of you who are full time caregivers and it's a blissful experience.Hats off to you.

I've been mulling over different options going forward, so I totally understand all the emotions your feeling.

Ideally it would be a blessing if you and she could come to a mutual agreement ,but if not your overall wellness matters.You must do what is best for you.Thank you for
sharing.It's nice to know your not alone. Goodluck

No You are definitely not wrong in making this decision. If You are not 100% happy in this situation You will be of no use to Your dear Mom. As You have written in Your Post the relationship has become strained between You and Your Mom, and I would advise that You find a good replacement to take over Your roll as Carer. I read that You are in the process of returning to School and work hence You must look after Your own kneed's now or youth will pass You bye. I hope You find real happiness and please do not sever Your connection with Your dear Mom, leave the door open so You can call and visit at week ends or when ever is convenient for You. Be kind and gentle with Your Mom and explain that You are not able to be Her Carer. Good Luck Koreemenei.

You are my hero! Realizing & setting boundaries — something we all strive to do — is very hard. And you’re doing it. Bravo to you! You’re an inspiration to others on here.

You are very wise.  I wish I had your strength.  We all need to quit lighting ourselves on fire to keep other people warm.

You definitely need to move out--you are too young to be a caregiver and it will impact the rest of your life in a very bad way for the rest of your life. Do not let your mom control your life. When she dies you will be left on your own..and you will be much older and age discrimination for jobs is VERY real.

the problem to me is that are you going to have to hire someone to do what you been doing ??so if not that a freebie a family member would be doing it ??? so the problem then is if 1 day they decide they do not want to do it anymore then you should have a agreement that if they want to stop they have to give what ever time it takes for you to take back over .. they need to be watched most of the time ...you cannot expect good results for someone to be left alone most of 24 hours ..they do need to be watched . you cannot have someone be there for 4 hours & leave .. if not now she will need most of watching ..

Probably most of the people on this site can relate to your feelings of guilt. You are wise to set boundaries. In the long run, you will be helping your Mom and yourself.

She is 68 and already that needy and dependent on you. Trust me, it will only get worse, much worse. She could live another 20 - 30 years. Get out now and far enough away or u will still be expected to come over and do everything and take her everywhere. They will suck the life out of u. I'm 64 and my health is shot from the stress. Ruined what should have been good retirement years. Mom died and I'm still stuck with a 96 yo sociopathic father. Please SAVE YOURSELF!

You need to move out and assume the role of her daughter again.  Just say "you know mom, after my divorce when you suggested that I move in with you until I got on my feet, that was very helpful to me and I want to thank you for it.  Moving in here not only helped me, but I think it helped you as well because you obviously needed some assistance with a few things.  After two years, I finally feel like I'm ready to try it on my own again.  Would you like me to help you find an agency or someone who can come in and do some of the chores / errands I've been doing around here or are you going to be ok on your own?"  That way you acknowledge and thank her for letting you move in.  You also point out that you have been helping her and you also offer assistance in getting someone to help her.  She may still be angry, but you have been thankful, polite and helpful and that should help erase some of the guilt that we all feel when we make tough decisions like the one you are making.

Good luck and take care of yourself!

You did not mention anything about your mother being incapacitated in anyway. 68 is awful young for her to be so dependent unless there is a condition. Are you just her errand runner, housekeeper, companion? Does she need a full time caregiver as you say or is she just taking advantage of having her daughter around to do things for her?

You are not wrong. I do not believe that the "honor thy mother and father" meant that you have to sacrifice your own well being to care for them. You say you are her full time care giver, but you do not say if she actually needs one. Has she just sat back with the expectation that you do everything, when she is capable of doing things for herself? If finances allow it, you might look into an agency that will check in on her several times a week and you can do the same other days. Meals on Wheels can take care of her food, or even one of the new companies that do prepared entrees to microwave. Hire a cleaning person for one a week and see if a senior service agency can help with bathing. You do not have to give up your life to care for her.