Am I wrong for my decision?

Koreemenei:

68 is much too young for your mother to be so dependent on you. If she is ill, perhaps she needs to talk to an elder care attorney about going into an assisted living facility.

Also, perhaps she is becoming more and more dependent because you do everything for her and she no longer has to think for herself. There are actually scientific studies to back that statement up. It's a use or lose it type of thing.
People need to use their brains to stay sharp.

A loving mother would just be glad to help you out until, you got on your feet without expecting you to be her personal unpaid assistant who does everything for her.

Please do not feel guilty, if you need to move out. You have a right to have an independent happy life. She is obviously making you miserable.

Others here have mentioned having a narcissistic mother, and perhaps your mother is afflicted with that, too. If so, she will never mellow. She will only get worse and become more and more demanding.

A narcissistic parent has the arrested mentality of a toddler. They are very self absorbed and very manipulative. Using the guilt trip is a hallmark of Narcissistic personality disorder.

In addition, they never do anything without expecting something in return. Also, typically the return they expect is far greater than what they gave.

In some cultures, too, the entire culture expects a child to sacrifice their life for a parent. It is not that way in the USA.

I know it's not wrong, it's something you just have to do and without guilt!
My mother lost her driving privileges and wanted me to move in with her. I agreed and immediately felt my world crashing in. I'd stand in the doorways of my apartment and look at all my belongings and think "What am I going to do with all my stuff?"
I couldn't do it, I almost had a breakdown.
I felt the same way, just needed a live in maid and driver. I'm doing all that already, I don't need to give up my life because she had to give up driving.
Her meds was the big issue, her track of time was out of balance. She was waking up and would take them 8 hours early, basically double dosing.
I purchased a locking medication dispenser and I can live my life for now.
You need to live your life, too!
Much Love! Be well and at peace with your decisions.

Your post made me realize that I actually made a huge step today dealing with my 83 year old, narcissistic mother.
After spending 4 straight days of getting her moved into her new place (working my ass off), she wanted me to run to the store for her. I LIVE 23 MILES AWAY!!
My mother is great at the quilt trip, however, I reminded her that I would be there on Tuesday and would be glad to bring it with me then. I stuck to my guns. Then began the "grey rock "!
If you haven't yet heard of it, read up!
You absolutely need to have a life of your own!
It's ok to help! Enable, not so much!
Stay strong and Rock on!!

Your mother wasn't even officially an elder when you took on her care. Best to separate from the codependency - IF you can.

"I fear that she will use guilt and could possibly strain our relationship even more, I know there will be consequences, but I feel I need to look after myself as I do her."

Probably so. So, like a Naval captain once said to his crew, "dam the torpedoes, full speed ahead" and his ships won for back in those days, torpedoes were not well made. Move forward with your life, you deserve it and particularly now. Just go for it and take no prisoners! Yes, it will be painful and likely feel like you're in emotional labor for delivering your own new life, but hey, go for it. You have everything to gain and nothing but her guilt trips to loose.

Look into Codependence for your answer. You do need to care for yourself. The question is why do you allow yourself to be controlled by her needs?

Seems that your mother is now 70. Does she have some debilitating condition that requires constant help? I am 74, drive, shop, cook and clean house without assistance. This is not difficult for me. Sometimes people allow themselves to become "helpless" if they can lean on another. Think both you and your mother would be better off being independent! Good Luck!

If your mother's original offer was a genuine one to help you, then there should be no repercussions when you move out. If it was always about having a ''slave'' on tap then it is definitely time to move on. If circumstances have changed in the interim and your mother's wants and needs have changed, then most definitely put the wheels in motion to get home help for when you leave.
You have been through a traumatic and life-changing experience going through a marriage break up and divorce. You have had time to get your life together, so maybe it really is time for both of you to simply move on, too.
There will never be an ideal time to leave so it is probably best just to make a clean break as soon as you can. You are already expecting a guilt trip so put measures in place, have your answers ready.

Not at all. When I read this quickly I thought YOU were 68! I’m 62 and left my dream “job-after-retirement” job to come back to the states to care for both parents age 82. It has been quite
stressful to live in their home. Difficult to deal with frustrations I had long forgotten. I started to look for my own place for my own sanity. But the whole point in my returning from overseas was to live with them. Just when I was convinced 24/7 care wasn’t needed, my mom had a fall at 5AM. It is so confusing and difficult. I’m still trying to work through it. But if your mom doesn’t truly NEED you there, I highly recommend getting your own place. Many other great comments here. For now, I am here. I don’t need to be present 24/7. Mom has mild dementia but dad is sharper than me! (His body is weak). I decided to take a part-time job doing what I love (teaching) in the morning. My mom is a late sleeper so I usually arrive home shortly after (or before) she has awaken. I’m here in the PM to drive and do errands and then cook dinner. I am slowly finding things I can do on my own (evening Ladies’ Bible Study at church) I should add joining the gym. LOL. But this honestly is the MOST DIFFICULT thing I have ever done. You may be called upon later down the road when she REALLY needs help. But now, you should be pursuing your own life—which, as others have said...does not mean excluding her altogether! And I agree with others who have said to make the decision wisely...put things in place...and don’t be driven by anyone’s “guilt-tripping” you to go against what you are convinced to be the right decision for your own well-being. (Easier said than done...if I were to be honest....my return to the USA to do this was based on “guilt-tripping” of family more so than on my conviction that it was what I was supposed to do at this time).

First, decide where you are going and have a plan. Then, thank your mother for allowing you to come there after your divorce and that it is time for you to be independent and get on with your life. Just thank her and stay to your word on it. If she has no physical/mental disabilities, there should be no problem. If she can’t function, she needs to have someone come in a few hours per week to help her with anything she can’t do. Avoid an argument if at all possible.

Go with your gut feelings while you’re still young & strong or else you will be sucked down this never ending caregiving role to which there is no end in sight & no escape...& then you’ll be so stressed & exhausted, you won’t have any energy to leave & start your life! Make an escape plan but DON’T discuss with Mom! Because she will do everything to talk you out of it. You can even get these helpers before you leave to do errands & housekeeping. You can’t just say...I’m outa here & leave with no plan for you or her...where will you live, work, etc. Believe me, if you don’t change your situation, nobody is gonna do it for you! Then when she gets older & her care needs increase, you’ll see how other “family & friends” disappear. It’ll just be you & Mom...this is not the way you want your life to go. You’ll have nothing but resentment, when the initial move to be with Mom was to help you get back on your feet! Do it! Get on your feet! Then when you’re independent again, take her out to lunch! & you can both go back to your own places...
HUGS 🤗

Your profile only indicates age related decline and hearing loss. Does she have any "real" difficulty performing any tasks such as cleaning, cooking and self care? If not, it is time to "move on!"

Given that you have likely gotten "back on your feet" and want to go to school and work, it is high time to move on. Certainly you can thank her profusely for allowing you to regain your strength and composure, readying you to move to the next step, and tell her that her help has gotten you there. At this point she has somehow managed to get you to do most everything for her. Unclear if you just slowly took over or if she had a hand in getting you to do more, but that's water over the dam. Time to repair that dam and get out! You can reassure her that you will be there for her if she wants a relationship or needs something special done, but you will be busy with school, work, life and can't be there to do everything for her. If she says she can't do it alone, point her to hiring agencies or AL. She is way too young to be that dependent on anyone.

She is only 68. If she has no other physical or cognitive issues, she should still be independent. Several posters, myself included, are around the same age or older and still take care of ourselves and our homes! I plow my driveway and help 2 neighbors with theirs. I take care of myself and 10 cats! My neighbor is over 70 and has been on her roof cleaning off the lichen, or in a culvert in the winter trying to dislodge the blockage! Silly for her to be on the roof, but that's her nature! Someone said 68 will be the new full "retirement" age soon (UK?) and will be here soon enough too!

The problem has been enabling mom, taking over more tasks, whether she requested it or not, and now it is just expected. FWIW my son's former was only in her 20s and was expecting to be waited on (he was enabling and learned his lesson!) She was in for rude awakening!

Plan your moves (location, job, school) and in the meantime start off-loading tasks to her. Be unavailable to cook meals. If you decide to clean, enlist her help instead of doing it all yourself. Meanwhile, make those plans! Spend as much time out of the house as possible - she asks, you're in class, job hunting, working, whatever!

If she tries the guilt trip route, don't buy into it, don't argue with her, just walk away. It will be hard, but will get easier each time you stand your ground. If she truly needs help, she can hire people. If she can't maintain her own home, then she should be considering AL. If she needs companionship, AL has that too!

My parents were enjoying life and retirement up until dad had issues, later 80s. Travel, socializing, wintering in their FL condo, etc. After he passed, my mother continued to live in and care for her own condo into her early 90s. We only had to step in when I noticed issues with the car (we had to take that away!) and as a result had to take her grocery shopping and then realized she wasn't cooking anymore, just relying on microwave foods and boxed crap. Between then and moving her to MC, we tried assisting (mostly me), bringing in aides 1 hr/day to check on her and her meds, with the intent to increase time and help as needed - less than 2 months, she refused to let them in! There were further regressions, but she had dementia! Time to move!

While weaning off the tasks you do for her and offloading them to her, encourage her to get out, find a life, friends, activities. Does she still drive? IF not, you can offer to help with supplies, etc, some can be ordered/delivered. One of the possible slides into dementia can be lack of socialization. She doesn't have to be a social butterfly, but having her own friends can help fill the gap when you are not there. Again, thank her for her help, but remind her that you need to move on to make a life and ensure you have what you need to care for you when you get older.

I went through the same thing.Our relationship was strained and just horrible while she lived with me. I felt I was her servant and she treated me so poorly with her demands and expectations. I did hire help to get me through the days but it wasn’t enough. So I made the decision to put her on assisted living and after 3 years I know I made the best decision. Take care of you before you can take care of her. Now I visit her every weekend and out relationship is beautiful again.

Having lived thru my wifes parents aging process and their conduct I have been in this arena. Her father until the very end was very easy going. her mother total anger, manipulations, constant guilt usage against her daughter. She was really evil! If you "feel" she will use guilt then she most likely will. First your NOT wrong for this choice your making. EVERYONE has a different threshold to be able to handle the parents conduct. You absoultly have to do what is best for you. If you do not you cannot help her. (Believe me I have lived it) Im sure your Mother thinks your not capable financially or maybe emotionally to be on your own so she is taking advantage of that.
A few thoughts/ 1) create a plan 2) when you communicate with your Mother about it stick to the facts, she will try to pull you down an emotional road do not take the bait 3) do not make threats or commitments you are not ready to complete. IE Mom I'm moving next month if you do not improve X,X,X Next month comes and goes your still there. If you do not follow thru she knows she owns you. 4) You may want to put things in writing so everyone is clear on commitments, dates and time 5) Chosing the new care giver find a way to engage her in the process she cant feel dumped on. A book you might want to read is Don't you know wh o I am by Dr. Ramani S Durvasula Best of success

Does your mother have a disabling physical or mental condition? 68 is not old! Unless there is something terribly wrong with her, it would be a good idea to find your own place. Don't let her guilt you into staying there if there is nothing really wrong with her. By all means assist her, but you certainly shouldn't feel as though you work for her.

I love that you recognize the problem of your current situation. You are not obligated to work for your mother. You are right in knowing you need to move out.
Tell her you love her but that you are "back on your feet" now and you need to re-establish yourself independently. Thank her for letting you stay with her while you re-grouped. Your mother may use the guilt trip in protest, but know you are doing the right thing.
Will you move far enough away that your mother will not expect you to continue doing chores for her? If and when your mother needs more care, you can help her arrange hired help. It does not have to be you.
Good luck to you in moving ahead.

If you dont take care of yourself you cant take care of her.

Good for you to realize that your mom's dependence is causing you problems... and her problems too. You also realize that you need to be in a better financial place and that you will need a different living environment to do this.

Helping your mom transition to another fulltime caregiver does not have to be sudden or an "all-or-nothing" deal. Consider which tasks you could help your mom with while you are working full time. Decide on what tasks your mom would need help with from others. Contact others that could help: family, friends, church, home health care agencies, assisted living facilities and residential facilities.

Once you have input from all available resources, you can make plans. Please include your mom as much as she is able to participate. Realize that mom may resist changes because familiar routines and people feel most comfortable for her. She may not be able to realize that you have needs that are not being met and that change is needed. In that case, explain that ______ is becoming a problem for you and that _______ can help both of you with this problem.

Gradually, implement the plan for caring for your mom: sitters that come to "visit" that become "friends" to visit with while you run a few errands to "friends" that stay with her while you work.

Goodness no, if your Mom can financially take care of her needs, let her. Caregivers need to take care of themselves. It was nice of your Mom to invite you to live with her after your divorce and if you have not, express your appreciation. Your relationship with her may improve after awhile. Once she adjusts to the change, hopefully both of you can have a loving mother/daughter relationship. Change is hard for all involved but it is sometimes absolutely necessary.

The key here is that you feel this way. So of course it's right. You need to nurture a life outside of your mother's. Basically, you are enabling her. 68 isn't that old and she should be doing more for herself. By helping your mom, you are also possibly avoiding issues in your own life and you have a lot of living to do! Moving out may be the best way for you to concentrate on developing and living your life. That doesn't mean that you stop seeing her all together. You can still devote a day or afternoon each week to make sure your mom is doing well and perhaps do the two or three things she truly needs help with or better yet do something fun with her. Be firm and loving with your mom; you deserve to focus on your life. If the consequences you worry about actually occur, then you will be even more right to have made this change. Hopefully, it will be easier than you anticipate.

No. Save yourself and your well-being. Nobody else is going to.

You are absolutely not wrong. I really feel caregivers, like us, are great at putting ourselves on guilt trips! We have to learn to stop beating ourselves up!

You need to do what is best for you so that you can do what's best for your Mom. You don't mention if she's in need of you doing all that you've done. If she is capable of taking care of herself, let her. If she needs a little additional help, there are resources out there that she can use for that.

She may use guilt, but be strong. It's easy to fall into the guilt trap.

You are not wrong. I do not believe that the "honor thy mother and father" meant that you have to sacrifice your own well being to care for them. You say you are her full time care giver, but you do not say if she actually needs one. Has she just sat back with the expectation that you do everything, when she is capable of doing things for herself? If finances allow it, you might look into an agency that will check in on her several times a week and you can do the same other days. Meals on Wheels can take care of her food, or even one of the new companies that do prepared entrees to microwave. Hire a cleaning person for one a week and see if a senior service agency can help with bathing. You do not have to give up your life to care for her.

You did not mention anything about your mother being incapacitated in anyway. 68 is awful young for her to be so dependent unless there is a condition. Are you just her errand runner, housekeeper, companion? Does she need a full time caregiver as you say or is she just taking advantage of having her daughter around to do things for her?

You need to move out and assume the role of her daughter again.  Just say "you know mom, after my divorce when you suggested that I move in with you until I got on my feet, that was very helpful to me and I want to thank you for it.  Moving in here not only helped me, but I think it helped you as well because you obviously needed some assistance with a few things.  After two years, I finally feel like I'm ready to try it on my own again.  Would you like me to help you find an agency or someone who can come in and do some of the chores / errands I've been doing around here or are you going to be ok on your own?"  That way you acknowledge and thank her for letting you move in.  You also point out that you have been helping her and you also offer assistance in getting someone to help her.  She may still be angry, but you have been thankful, polite and helpful and that should help erase some of the guilt that we all feel when we make tough decisions like the one you are making.

Good luck and take care of yourself!

She is 68 and already that needy and dependent on you. Trust me, it will only get worse, much worse. She could live another 20 - 30 years. Get out now and far enough away or u will still be expected to come over and do everything and take her everywhere. They will suck the life out of u. I'm 64 and my health is shot from the stress. Ruined what should have been good retirement years. Mom died and I'm still stuck with a 96 yo sociopathic father. Please SAVE YOURSELF!

Probably most of the people on this site can relate to your feelings of guilt. You are wise to set boundaries. In the long run, you will be helping your Mom and yourself.

the problem to me is that are you going to have to hire someone to do what you been doing ??so if not that a freebie a family member would be doing it ??? so the problem then is if 1 day they decide they do not want to do it anymore then you should have a agreement that if they want to stop they have to give what ever time it takes for you to take back over .. they need to be watched most of the time ...you cannot expect good results for someone to be left alone most of 24 hours ..they do need to be watched . you cannot have someone be there for 4 hours & leave .. if not now she will need most of watching ..

You definitely need to move out--you are too young to be a caregiver and it will impact the rest of your life in a very bad way for the rest of your life. Do not let your mom control your life. When she dies you will be left on your own..and you will be much older and age discrimination for jobs is VERY real.

You are very wise.  I wish I had your strength.  We all need to quit lighting ourselves on fire to keep other people warm.