Any millennial caregivers have their lives impacted by taking care of older parents?

I am not a millennial but have a similar situation. My mother was in an accident when I was 29 and has required care since then. I never let her move in with me or even provide regular care as I had a career, got married, and had kids. My father was able to care for her for the majority of this time with paid help. I couldn't have all the life experiences I had, including having my kids, if I had provided care for my mother. I don't regret anything. My mother is now in a nursing home and I am 53. My recommendation to anyone, especially a young person is to live your life. Your LO may live years or decades (in my case) and require care that entire time. If you need to find care for your mother, do it, but don't put your life on hold.

I am in your boat, it sounds harsh but you need to take her to the hospital on a social visit tell them it is unsafe for her to be home and refuse to take her home. If they discharge her then abondon her and let her become a ward of your state.

Your life is far more important at this time. You need to take care of yourself and your future. I did it with my LO, people will look at you as you are a monster, then will try and guilt trip you into doing more. Reality is you cannot give up your future for someone who has no future. Your mother has no future, she is old, she is going to die. That is what she has to look forward to. You still have a future live towards it.

Boundaries Blick Bob - You need to make a boundary with her . get help to come in wether she Likes it or not . Covid is Over that is a excuse . Most social service agencies screen their workers and CNA's . Your Mom is being Controlling and paranoid . I would contact elder services and get a CNA ( certified Nurse assistant) to come in and bather her. Is she doing any Physical therapy for her ankle ? Does her primary care Physician have a Visiting Nurse to come in and check on her ? You need a social worker who can help you with services . Also order Meal on wheels . Social services Can find you a house cleaner . Too bad if she doesn't like it you are not a Slave . If things get worse with her cancer remember hospice is there . You need counseling to sort out your Life goals and get support . Otherwise you will be stuck with her forever - her hurting her ankle twice seems rather excessive . If she is doing that she needs Physical therapy and her Doctor can order that .

Here it is in a nutshell. You need a job to start saving for when you are 70 and possibly unable to work. Even if that seems like a far off goal, consider this: if she died tomorrow how would you live? You need seperate income. You need a job, any job. She doesn't want in-home care? Okay, she has to start doing what she can for herself. You can offer support when you are around, but most important, get out of the house to work.

I finally realized there was some sore of co-dependency problem when my brother was visiting and said to mom”you want her to be your entertainment.” I also loved my mom. However, having a millennial daughter, I would not want her to sacrifice her life. It could be scary being dependent. I Weaned mom off in steps. Live your life. Guilt is not from God. If you need counseling, get it. May you have a long, beautiful, enjoyable life; while including your mom in a healthy way.

They’re ALWAYS afraid. And that’s how they keep you tethered to them. And those are issues that must be screened for (health of care givers and bonded/insured placement service). BUT more important in the big picture is you MUST start YOUR life! If she puts guilt on you, turn that around and tell her you have no life because you’ve cared for her for 10 years…..who will you have when you’re her age to care for you?

She is manipulating you with the Covid excuse and stealing. It’s common. Most agencies have aides tested and require vaccination. Call and find out. Get a safety deposit box at the bank for valuable jewelry and things, don’t keep cash lying around. Hire home aide for housekeeping and socializing with mom. Call agency and they can staff usually in a couple days for non medical aide. 3-4 hours a few times a week. see if pcp will order home health care PT for a few weeks for her de conditioning and to improve her mobility and reduce caregiver burden. Meal on wheels is free and brings one meal a day M-F, all you have to do is warm it up. Sandwiches in fridge and she can help herself. YOU have to be the one to make the changes, your mother won’t. Don’t argue. Don’t explain. Just say you have to look after yourself and future. A helpful book is Codependent No More by Melanie Beaty. Take care of yourself.

I’m 33 and have been at this hardcore only since August, but have been going to hospitals for months at a time since I was 29. You gotta draw a line—-I am only 4 years removed from this all beginning with hospital visits, and while I’m not always bitter, late 20’s is the WORST timing for this. She needs to rally more people, friends, paid caregivers, whatever it is. You need a life

blickbob: I am so very sorry that you're in this situation. As an older mom (perhaps she was fifty one when she gave birth to you), her health needs may increase. However, having "had to help my mom out for over a decade" has, of course, taken its toll on you, albeit you are young. With the Novel Coronavirus hopeully waning, mom is going to require hands-on assistance and it WON'T be just you.

It's just you and your mother in the household, is it? No other family anywhere?

Blick, nothing is going to change. Just accept it and be Mom’s caretaker until one of you dies. Because your reply for every suggestion given to you here is met with ‘but I’m forced to, she can’t do anything herself, she’s too scared, that won’t work’… you’ve shot down any and all suggestions to get control over your own life.

A hurt ankle should not leave someone so debilitated. She doesn’t want to recover or get some mobility because she has you to wait on her. Since you refuse to consider anything suggested here, accept that this is how it’s always going to be. Nothing will change unless you change it.

If this was mentioned, I missed it, so excuse the possible dupe, but does her cancer treatment center have a social worker--I know some do. They could be a good resource for avenues of help. If she sees another specialist (or still sees her GP), they can sometimes help.

I'm not a millennial but moved from a state I loved back home to help my aged, ill mother when I was 27. Total disruption of my life. I've been impacted through a lot of caregiving over the years and occasionally found help from unlikely sources--sometimes just through dogging and dogging for answers. Millennial or not, it's hard, but you're doing it. I think there are more resources and awareness now than in years' past, though there's still a lot to be desired.

As for her being scared to bring in help, she has every right to feel that way, but I'd suggest you start trying. Ease her in, maybe a couple hours. She'll balk, and maybe make accusations against the person, so you'll need to determine if she's being manipulative or has sound reason to accuse.

It's never fair of parents to expect what they do of their children when they refuse to accept, or even entertain the idea, of getting someone to help the caregiving child. You've been the caring, dutiful child. It's her turn now to offer some relief to you, if you're willing to take that step. (Then you'll have to navigate your way through the guilt she might put upon you--or you'll place upon yourself--but there really does come a time when we need to step aside--not completely--but enough to give ourselves back our own breath.)

I have replied before as I was in a similar situation. My mother had a serious accident when I was 29, I am now 53. She has needed care since then. I took the decision to not provide any hands-on care and my Dad became her full-time carer.

The day he brought my mother home from rehab was the last day he did anything he enjoyed. He never attended another sporting event, went to the bar for a drink, spent time with his grandkids, pursued his hobby, or even worked. She never wanted outside carers, he never wanted to leave her alone.

When the situation got so bad, he placed her in respite and days afterward, died from what would have been treatable if he had taken a few days to himself. She is still alive at 89.

However, he was happy devoting 100% of his time to her and having her 100% dependent on him.

You only have 2 choices, get outside help for your mother or accept your situation and continue to care for her. I doubt she will ever change so either embrace your life as a career carer or find another solution. She will not like your decision if you decide to prioritize your life, but you either have to deal with that or do nothing.

Careful using the "mellennial" card. All of us are impacted care giving, just have different circumstances. In fact , Millennials are often referred to as "snowflakes" in other aspects of life.
I have almost the same age difference with my mum and definitely can relate.
Make a plan and get help executing it. There is no such thing as a 40 hr work week to obtain success.

Posts like this make me wonder, no matter what life throws at your regarding your older parents you have one factor you can control and that is you do not have to provide care. Dump her at the ER and tell them I am done cya later. They will find placement for her and you can move on with whatever life you have left. I doubt interviewers will care why you have a block of years missing from work history, but hey at least you have your freedom so to speak.

Being a child on an older parent when you are younger sucks, as I like to call it the generational curse. You did not choose to be born later in life, that was their choice. You do not have to give up your life for their choices. You do have the choice on how it impacts your life though, to me it sounds like you are using your moms situation as an excuse. It is sad, drop her off the ER, go back to school, salvage your life or in 50 years you will be left in a similar situation but with potentially far less support options in place.

Hey blick, I know its hard, but you have to get her some help that is NOT YOU. Otherwise you'll be doing this ALONE, the rest of your life. You're a young man and have your whole life ahead of you. It sounds like you posting on this message board, that you're close to soliciting for that help.
I’m 40 (I think I’m on the cusp of being considered a millennial), my mother is now 69, and I’ve been caring for my mother in some capacity since I was 8 years old. Be it financially, administratively, emotionally or medically. I’ve come to realize over the years that she was really grooming me to be codependent to her and all the guilt that comes along with thinking about severing even one tie of care; it is IMMENSE.
My mother and my sister lived with my husband and I since we bought our house when I was 29. Prior to that she and my sister shared a 2 bedroom apartment, and then a 2 bedroom trailer in a very toxic codependent relationship (a story for another time).  My mother worked a fulltime job at a large retail giant, and post my parents divorce when I was 17 (my dad had an affair with another woman), she developed a terrible gambling addiction. When she moved in with us 12 years later, she was $30k in credit card debt and had burned her retirement account to zero, gambling away her life savings. We are Filipino and it is a cultural norm for the eldest to take care of their parents when they are old, and I felt compelled to do so.  I assisted her financially and administratively, getting her out of that hole, and she seemed to stabilize a little for a couple of years. Then her gambling addiction got the better of her, she started stealing from her job, got caught and was fired from her 20 year career at the company. Then, one year later,  I started having kids at 35, and she seemed to take pleasure in caring for her grandchildren; frankly, I had never seen her so engaging and warm. I have a boy (5) and a girl (3).
My husband elected to be a stay-at home dad (that is another story in and of itself), and he and my mother at home together made for a war-of roses. I stood by my husband’s parenting decisions (he is a good dad), and my mother perceived that I was “siding” with him and she acted out even more. Eventually, my husband got tired of the disrespect and kicked her out of our house. She moved in with my sister again who had moved out a few years ago, and they continued the toxic codependent relationship for a year and half, (honestly it was borderline elder abuse for my mother) and then my sister kicked her out. She found a room to rent in a house nearby to me for about 6 months, and she would come to the house multiple times a week.
In January 2021 my mother was diagnosed with breast cancer, and my husband and I discussed it at length, and decided that we would allow her to move back in with us. I assisted her through all of her medical treatments, getting her to her appointments, processing all of her paperwork making sure she received the right insurance rates, even taking a leave of absence from work to be there for her when she had her surgery to remove the cancer and post surgery, received daily radiation treatments. She was terrified through the whole process, after seeing her younger sister just pass from breast cancer in October 2020, and prior to that two other sisters dying from cancer in their 40s and 50s. I was glad to be of support to her, during her illness, however, I was also researching social services for her and got her on a wait list for low income independent living senior housing list.....(continued in second post)

....(continued from second post see below) Well, fast forward to today, my mother’s cancer is in remission for 6 months, a spot opened up on the waitlist, and my mother has been living at the senior housing place for 2 weeks now. Its still pretty close to us (10 minute drive), but she has her own apartment with kitchen, bathroom, patio. She is a 15 minute walk to the stores to get her groceries (they do have a shuttle service at the community that offers store runs and doctor appointments), there is a social worker on staff at the facility to help with getting them social services (although I plan on continuing that work for her) and they have activities for the seniors they host regularly. They also have on-call staff that answer in the event of an emergency. Frankly, this is the BEST thing that could have happened for ALL of us. She has a vigor that I haven’t seen in years with being independent, she is close enough to us where I can still assist if need be, but at the same far enough away, that I am not on-call 24/7.
The energy in our home has changed as well, everyone is more peaceful, calm and I feel ready to face life challenges a little more readily then I did a year ago, and I feel that coming on more and more with each day that passes. The severing of ties is HARD. It was incredibly difficult for me to see my 5 year old cry at the thought of his Lola (“grandmother” in Tagalog) not be in our house all the time. However, now, they are so excited to come over to Lola’s apartment, she is excited to see them, and we come over to her house to have dinner once a week. I also plan on having her spend the night Friday nights, my husband and I can have a date night, and she can spend time with her treasured grandchildren.
You have to make the decision to live YOUR life, not live your mother’s life. It is hard at first, but you’ll see, it will be the best thing for all of you.

Hey, I'm a millennial caregiver for two and I've been doing this administratively since I was 12 years old and then by the time I was 18 years old, it was game on. I am now 30 and my parents are 84 and 87.

I've read through your responses. You may not like what I have to say. It's hard. It's always going to be hard. It's always going to be a balancing act between your needs and theirs. As a caregiver, you're going to have to make decisions that the person you're taking care of may not always agree with. You can continue to make excuses for her and the situation you're in, or do something to change it.

My parents too made excuses about being scared, but the reality is I had to put their health first and ensured they completed a hospital stay or in-home PT. Every decision that they tried to excuse their way out of, their doctors and I did not allow them too. Yes, their was leeway in there and it still got done.

You've had some really great suggestions on how to proceed from others on this thread. Even if just a starting point is calling her PCP and getting her in for a baseline and completing a bone density scan to get her started somewhere.

Best of luck!

Well I’m a milllenial,..although on the older side at 10yrs older than you ;)

however, I can very much say that it has impacted me in a lot of ways and I was 28 when my brother fell ill and after his passing in 2019, became my mums carer who developed Dementia. On top of this I have another brother who has a slight mental disability so in a way I have been caring since I were a kid.

Just recently I saw a therapist about the fact that I’m 39 and I feel like I’ve always had to put my own life on pause. I’m extremely confused and agitated about the future. My whole existence up until now has in some form being “carer” or “translator” or “problem solver” or “the glue that holds it all together” etc etc.

Yes I did have my run amok when I was 18-28 but not in a carefree way like others and when my friends started settling down, my life literally feels like it went on pause. While they started having their own families,.. I started caring for my existing family.

There’s parts of me that feels like a grandma as I’m so accustomed to a slower lifestyle (especially now with Mum) and there’s parts of me that wants to be a teenager again, that wants to be adolescent again and go out and have fun with my friends,... only that boat has pretty much sailed! Now thinking omg,.. will I have my own family at all and will all this cost me that as well, while also not wanting to repeat history. Will I in the end be left completely on my own in quiet thinking “well,.. that was a blast,.. not”! I’m conscious I need to get out there myself and date but there is just no time or energy. I’ve also put studies aside for years and years... I try and start (and do really well) but then things go south. I’ve been neglecting my own needs for so long that I don’t even really know what it is to be honest. I’ve put job opportunities / promotions aside and haven’t been able to perform to my best degree and I’ve put relationships on hold or through the ringer. I’ve let go of my hobbies etc etc....

So yeah I know where you are coming from! And my advice (that I’m trying to also tell myself now) is that we need to make time for ourselves. If I could go back 10 yrs, I’d do some things differently. The therapy has helped in a way to realise all this. My mum is 80 this year.,... so similar age gap.

easier said then done,.. but we need to look after ourselves!!! xx

start with baby steps and slowly

blickbob, I am in my 70's and I know what your Mom is going through regarding the cancer, as I had cancer myself a decade ago. It is no picnic. It is terrifying. And the side effects from the treatments can remain with you for years on end.

For me the side effects caused me to have panic attacks, thus my driving days were now limited. I use to love to drive, but now I white knuckle it. It also made me afraid to be alone at night which was something very new for me as I had always been quite independent. Thankfully my primary doctor finally convinced me to try calming meds. It was trial and error to find the right one. Now my sig-other can go away to visit relatives and I am ok to be on my own.

Glad, no one dumped me at a hospital.

As for not wanting strangers in her home, that sounded a lot like my own Mom, but my Mom was in her 90's. My Mom didn't trust anyone to come into the house, plus she felt my Dad, also in his 90's, could take care of her..... [sigh]. Mom even refused a very nice young fellow to help her and Dad around the house, we were thinking it is a jealousy thing with women coming into the house. Also, my Mom was from the generation where the thought of a nursing home meant being placed in County asylum. That I could understand.

One idea you could try is to contact a caregiving Agency and have one caregiver come over, but request not be dressed in caregiver garb. You could say that she is a friend of someone you know, and she is there to help you [brickbob]. Just maybe your Mom would accept her, or maybe not. Could your Mom budget for caregiving costs?