Any suggestions or should I just accept it as it is?

My mother is in a memory unit and has some of the same issues. She’s quit eating, except protein drinks, stays in bed, sometimes with the TV on and sometimes chooses to have it off and then she just lays in bed doing nothing. She doesn’t want to socialize. We still have a good relationship and I call daily to talk with her. I live in another state and visit for a few days each month. It’s very hard to watch someone you care about go into this kind of decline. It sounds like you’ve done all you can. My brother told me once, when I was telling him how difficult it was to watch our mother live this way, that what we perceive as a miserable existence, may not be seen the same way by our loved one. She’s framing everything from a totally different perspective, especially with dementia coming into play. It still hurts my heart, though. There may not be a solution if so many things have been tried in your mother’s case. If she enjoys seeing you, maybe you could visit some but not as often as before. You have to do what brings you peace and what you believe is best for your mother. This is a difficult stage of our relationships with our parents. You’re a good daughter. ❤️

My mom is 85 and loves her bed. She also responds to visits and skin care (my term for showers and lotions). However, I cannot be with her all the time to ensure she gets to meals, etc. She skips meals because she likes to eat in her apartment/room. I think I found out why she likes eating in….she eats with her fingers. Operating the fork and knife is difficult for her and with the Blink Camera (which I call a speaker), I noticed that she eats with her fingers or puts her oatmeal on her raisin toast and then eats it. Eye opener! So, since she can refuse help from the staff when they offer and I pay extra for that service!, so I hired a personal care aide (turns out there were other residents who had aids and I was able to get 2 of them). So now I have mom get her breakfast and lunch in her apartment and at 2 p.m. an aide comes in and showers and washes her hair 3 times a week putting on lotions and walking her for strength training so she doesn’t get bed sores (my words to her). And she is escorted to dinner in the dining hall (I have the staff cut up her food before she gets it and she is eating more. The other aide is responsible for her chair exercises of picking up her legs and moving her arms for flexibility and strength and lotions on her skin (without a shower) and also walks her to the dining hall for dinner. Mom doesn't respond to going to activities but when the aides take her on the walk and there is an activity, they just happen to be there to check it out. What has definitely changed for my mom is the personal interactions with the aides. She is an introvert and having them there from 2-6 daily has stimulated her to actually interact. I did give each person a history of my mom so they know where she lived, how many children, her career and her former interests. This has helped them to talk to her and bond with her. The amazing part is that in a month, mom has actually gotten up to go to breakfast and lunch on her own. Her doctor told me that her sleeping all day does not produce good quality sleep and because she is up now, her sleep at night is so much better. She sometimes doesn’t get up at all or only once. I have blink cameras that I look at in the morning so see if/when she gets up. Mom goes to bed about 6 p.m. and gets a pill about 7:30 p.m. and another one at 5 a.m. full disclosure: I was there for the introduction of each of the aides and I told mom this was needed because of her skin care and her doctor’s orders for movement to prevent breakdown of her skin which when it starts to break down, it will not stop and it will be very painful. I asked mom to please do this for me because I want the best for her. I also told her she doesn’t have to do anything, the ladies will do the showering, scrubbing and lotions and dressing. I read that sometimes people with dementia doesn’t remember how to do the steps of self care. This has lifted a huge weight off me since now I know that mom is getting her meals, her exercise, her socialization, and she has more energy. I cared for mom in her home and she lived in her bed or her recliner. The Assisted Living has finally become a better place for her but it was a learning curve to get her the type of care she responds to. Her being able to say no to the AL staff has now been taken away because these aides do not have those rules and mom also promised me to let them care for her. Our interactions are better now, I drop in on Alexa show and I tell her about her facebook friends, what is going on in the weather, going over old memories of her life and old tv shows. It is a lonely life with no collaboration but I am grateful for this break through. The aides are experienced and patient and respectful. Mom is getting treated like a princess and she loves it….more than her bed! (At least while they are there with her!)

My husband has vascular dementia/Alzheimer’s. They are both sad brain diseases that rob them of their memories as well as ability to make sound decisions and unable to problem solve. They may want to do things but the brain controls all. My husband will cry because he wants to do something but can’t and gets so frustrated. Please speak to the neurologist and find out where they are at in the disease as it may answer many questions. Then read all you can on these two horrible diseases and pray for patience and that you never suffer from those diseases. I have seen an active, social, larger than life husband, father, grandfather, uncle turn into a person who wants to but can’t do things. Give them much love and understanding in this hell they are in. It is all we can do as they are not responsible for this deterioration of their brain controlling them.

It seems to me that people in some American nursing homes have way more autonomy than is good for them. In my mom's facility everyone got up, got dressed and had meals in the dining room unless they were seriously ill or actively dying, all other activities were optional.

If that was meant to be a dig it fell flat, I'm very happy to live in a country founded on the principles of peace, order and good government.

You have a good attitude, please never feel guilty.

My daughter worked in rehab/nursing facilities for 20 years. She explained to me that when entering a Nursing facility you are considered a resident not a patient. The State considers this your home and as such you have rights. One right is to not be forced to do something you don't want to and this includes those suffering from Dementia. Yes, like Willy said, there is a routine and most do well with it. But! you cannot force someone to get out of bed, get dressed and out to breakfast. You can't force them to shower or eat. Its their home and they have to be able to have the same freedoms they would have in their own home. You can coax you can't force. Its considered abuse.

If in 15 months your Mom has not shown an interest in socializing, then don't force it. Especially if she didn't socialize before.

First, my sympathy for your situation. My mom is 100 years old and for the last 8 years it has been my same role of trying to make my mom comfortable, safe, clean and “happy”.

my only suggestion is to get a Bluetooth speaker for her TV set so that the speaker can be placed near her head so she can better hear. If it is an older TV set, there are inexpensive converters that can go into the audio output and transmit the signal to a separate Bluetooth speaker.

There is nothing you or anyone else can do. It's like the old saying,
'you can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink'.
Your mother is waiting to die. That's why she remains in bed all day with the blinds closed. When she was with you in your home, she expected to be waited upon hand and foot from her bed. Many elders do this because they believe that if their family basically lives like slaves that they stay in control of the situation and will not get placed in a nursing home.
Your mother like so many other elders when they're placed think the nursing home is the end of the line and they are just waiting to die. They're not wrong. Your mother does not want to take part in activities or even get out of bed because she refuses to allow herself to become acclimated to life in the nursing home.
Is it still possible for your mother to be taken out? Like for a drive? Does the nursing home have an outdoor area where you can visit with her? Sometimes it helps an elder acclimate to their new living arrangements if they know that they will get taken out once a week. Or even that they can visit with loved ones outside and away from the other residents and staff.

You have just described my 86-yr old MIL. We had to transition her into AL (for short-term memory impairment and now mild dementia) and then eventually after a minor fall, she went through rehab and just refused to participate. We and the facility tried every incentive known to get her to do PT. Eventually she had to go into LTC where she COULD get up and out of bed but just refused. She wouldn't go eat in the dining room, she wouldn't participate in any of the activities or events. She's in an excellent facility with a private room on Medicaid, yet wouldn't get out of bed. This went on for about 2 years and then, we think because of her memory problem, starting being willing to get out (at this point she is now a 2-person assist) and eats with the others, goes to chapel, events, activities, has been to a field trip to a llama farm and even went out on the facility pontoon fishing. It feels utterly miraculous to us. Before she entered the NH she was on Zoloft and still gets meds for depression but she's super healthy otherwise. I often feel mournful that she allowed herself to lose her mobility, but oh well...we tried everything.

Your mom is a lot sicker, but there may still be hope. She may eventually forget her passive aggressive protest of not getting out of bed and having people fret and orbit around her. I would let that topic drop. You're not responsible for her happiness and you can't control anyone but yourself. I would work with admin and staff to continue to offer help and opportunities to get out of bed. Do they have visiting musicians and pets? This was helpful and uplifting to my MIL. May you gain hope and peace in your heart!

While my father isn't in a facility yet, he too is mid stage. But, his undying stubbornness refuses to leave his house of 60+ years. His wife (my Mom) of 60+ years lives with my sister.

I know the feeling of sadness of when I drop him home and watching him walk into the house knowing he's all alone. But, like you I lost every attempt to move him to AL facility. Do I stop being sad, no, but learned to worry about what I CAN control and let go what I CAN NOT.