Any suggestions or should I just accept it as it is?

It seems to me that people in some American nursing homes have way more autonomy than is good for them. In my mom's facility everyone got up, got dressed and had meals in the dining room unless they were seriously ill or actively dying, all other activities were optional.

You have just described my 86-yr old MIL. We had to transition her into AL (for short-term memory impairment and now mild dementia) and then eventually after a minor fall, she went through rehab and just refused to participate. We and the facility tried every incentive known to get her to do PT. Eventually she had to go into LTC where she COULD get up and out of bed but just refused. She wouldn't go eat in the dining room, she wouldn't participate in any of the activities or events. She's in an excellent facility with a private room on Medicaid, yet wouldn't get out of bed. This went on for about 2 years and then, we think because of her memory problem, starting being willing to get out (at this point she is now a 2-person assist) and eats with the others, goes to chapel, events, activities, has been to a field trip to a llama farm and even went out on the facility pontoon fishing. It feels utterly miraculous to us. Before she entered the NH she was on Zoloft and still gets meds for depression but she's super healthy otherwise. I often feel mournful that she allowed herself to lose her mobility, but oh well...we tried everything.

Your mom is a lot sicker, but there may still be hope. She may eventually forget her passive aggressive protest of not getting out of bed and having people fret and orbit around her. I would let that topic drop. You're not responsible for her happiness and you can't control anyone but yourself. I would work with admin and staff to continue to offer help and opportunities to get out of bed. Do they have visiting musicians and pets? This was helpful and uplifting to my MIL. May you gain hope and peace in your heart!

Hi Sohenc,
You're right, with her dementia, deafness, and depression it's unlikely that she's going to all of a sudden change her behaviors and engage with her surroundings. As you noted, she already had those behaviors living with you. The dementia alone makes it so a person loses their ability to do more than one or two step tasks, and apathy increases. It sounds like she's incapable of more, and this is what works for her with where she is right now.
It's hard seeing. What would your mom have wanted for herself if she knew she'd be in this state? Is it time for hospice?

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There is nothing you or anyone else can do. It's like the old saying,
'you can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink'.
Your mother is waiting to die. That's why she remains in bed all day with the blinds closed. When she was with you in your home, she expected to be waited upon hand and foot from her bed. Many elders do this because they believe that if their family basically lives like slaves that they stay in control of the situation and will not get placed in a nursing home.
Your mother like so many other elders when they're placed think the nursing home is the end of the line and they are just waiting to die. They're not wrong. Your mother does not want to take part in activities or even get out of bed because she refuses to allow herself to become acclimated to life in the nursing home.
Is it still possible for your mother to be taken out? Like for a drive? Does the nursing home have an outdoor area where you can visit with her? Sometimes it helps an elder acclimate to their new living arrangements if they know that they will get taken out once a week. Or even that they can visit with loved ones outside and away from the other residents and staff.

If that was meant to be a dig it fell flat, I'm very happy to live in a country founded on the principles of peace, order and good government.

You have a good attitude, please never feel guilty.

My daughter worked in rehab/nursing facilities for 20 years. She explained to me that when entering a Nursing facility you are considered a resident not a patient. The State considers this your home and as such you have rights. One right is to not be forced to do something you don't want to and this includes those suffering from Dementia. Yes, like Willy said, there is a routine and most do well with it. But! you cannot force someone to get out of bed, get dressed and out to breakfast. You can't force them to shower or eat. Its their home and they have to be able to have the same freedoms they would have in their own home. You can coax you can't force. Its considered abuse.

If in 15 months your Mom has not shown an interest in socializing, then don't force it. Especially if she didn't socialize before.

While my father isn't in a facility yet, he too is mid stage. But, his undying stubbornness refuses to leave his house of 60+ years. His wife (my Mom) of 60+ years lives with my sister.

I know the feeling of sadness of when I drop him home and watching him walk into the house knowing he's all alone. But, like you I lost every attempt to move him to AL facility. Do I stop being sad, no, but learned to worry about what I CAN control and let go what I CAN NOT.

My mom is 85 and loves her bed. She also responds to visits and skin care (my term for showers and lotions). However, I cannot be with her all the time to ensure she gets to meals, etc. She skips meals because she likes to eat in her apartment/room. I think I found out why she likes eating in….she eats with her fingers. Operating the fork and knife is difficult for her and with the Blink Camera (which I call a speaker), I noticed that she eats with her fingers or puts her oatmeal on her raisin toast and then eats it. Eye opener! So, since she can refuse help from the staff when they offer and I pay extra for that service!, so I hired a personal care aide (turns out there were other residents who had aids and I was able to get 2 of them). So now I have mom get her breakfast and lunch in her apartment and at 2 p.m. an aide comes in and showers and washes her hair 3 times a week putting on lotions and walking her for strength training so she doesn’t get bed sores (my words to her). And she is escorted to dinner in the dining hall (I have the staff cut up her food before she gets it and she is eating more. The other aide is responsible for her chair exercises of picking up her legs and moving her arms for flexibility and strength and lotions on her skin (without a shower) and also walks her to the dining hall for dinner. Mom doesn't respond to going to activities but when the aides take her on the walk and there is an activity, they just happen to be there to check it out. What has definitely changed for my mom is the personal interactions with the aides. She is an introvert and having them there from 2-6 daily has stimulated her to actually interact. I did give each person a history of my mom so they know where she lived, how many children, her career and her former interests. This has helped them to talk to her and bond with her. The amazing part is that in a month, mom has actually gotten up to go to breakfast and lunch on her own. Her doctor told me that her sleeping all day does not produce good quality sleep and because she is up now, her sleep at night is so much better. She sometimes doesn’t get up at all or only once. I have blink cameras that I look at in the morning so see if/when she gets up. Mom goes to bed about 6 p.m. and gets a pill about 7:30 p.m. and another one at 5 a.m. full disclosure: I was there for the introduction of each of the aides and I told mom this was needed because of her skin care and her doctor’s orders for movement to prevent breakdown of her skin which when it starts to break down, it will not stop and it will be very painful. I asked mom to please do this for me because I want the best for her. I also told her she doesn’t have to do anything, the ladies will do the showering, scrubbing and lotions and dressing. I read that sometimes people with dementia doesn’t remember how to do the steps of self care. This has lifted a huge weight off me since now I know that mom is getting her meals, her exercise, her socialization, and she has more energy. I cared for mom in her home and she lived in her bed or her recliner. The Assisted Living has finally become a better place for her but it was a learning curve to get her the type of care she responds to. Her being able to say no to the AL staff has now been taken away because these aides do not have those rules and mom also promised me to let them care for her. Our interactions are better now, I drop in on Alexa show and I tell her about her facebook friends, what is going on in the weather, going over old memories of her life and old tv shows. It is a lonely life with no collaboration but I am grateful for this break through. The aides are experienced and patient and respectful. Mom is getting treated like a princess and she loves it….more than her bed! (At least while they are there with her!)

My mother is in a memory unit and has some of the same issues. She’s quit eating, except protein drinks, stays in bed, sometimes with the TV on and sometimes chooses to have it off and then she just lays in bed doing nothing. She doesn’t want to socialize. We still have a good relationship and I call daily to talk with her. I live in another state and visit for a few days each month. It’s very hard to watch someone you care about go into this kind of decline. It sounds like you’ve done all you can. My brother told me once, when I was telling him how difficult it was to watch our mother live this way, that what we perceive as a miserable existence, may not be seen the same way by our loved one. She’s framing everything from a totally different perspective, especially with dementia coming into play. It still hurts my heart, though. There may not be a solution if so many things have been tried in your mother’s case. If she enjoys seeing you, maybe you could visit some but not as often as before. You have to do what brings you peace and what you believe is best for your mother. This is a difficult stage of our relationships with our parents. You’re a good daughter. ❤️

I totally feel for you as I’m in a similar situation although my mother is still at home with carers she won’t do anything other than sit in front of the tv all day doesn’t want to socialise go to little clubs or visit anyone she has dementia sits with the tv blaring and I feel for her neighbours for my own sanity as she is unbearable and tells lies I have stopped visiting other than to get her shopping as I was getting stressed out and not being able to do my job properly think of yourself now get on with your life I really hope there is a pill out when I get to that age as I never want to be a burden to anyone and it’s the family who suffer like yourself I am on my own but had to cut ties as I was visiting every day but only do the shopping on a Saturday now and it’s so much better for my health take care

First, my sympathy for your situation. My mom is 100 years old and for the last 8 years it has been my same role of trying to make my mom comfortable, safe, clean and “happy”.

my only suggestion is to get a Bluetooth speaker for her TV set so that the speaker can be placed near her head so she can better hear. If it is an older TV set, there are inexpensive converters that can go into the audio output and transmit the signal to a separate Bluetooth speaker.

If your mom has never been a happy go lucky kind of person who chooses to rise above it all and make the most of her day.....she definitely is not going to do it after being placed in a nursing home at the age of 85.

I do believe that music soothes the soul. If you can muster up a visit, tell her you would like to play some music while you're there. Crank up some classical or jazz or country...whatever she would appreciate. We'll call this music therapy!

My husband has vascular dementia/Alzheimer’s. They are both sad brain diseases that rob them of their memories as well as ability to make sound decisions and unable to problem solve. They may want to do things but the brain controls all. My husband will cry because he wants to do something but can’t and gets so frustrated. Please speak to the neurologist and find out where they are at in the disease as it may answer many questions. Then read all you can on these two horrible diseases and pray for patience and that you never suffer from those diseases. I have seen an active, social, larger than life husband, father, grandfather, uncle turn into a person who wants to but can’t do things. Give them much love and understanding in this hell they are in. It is all we can do as they are not responsible for this deterioration of their brain controlling them.

In life, not everything has a happy solution.

I am so sad fore you. This is SO hard on You as an only child. It’s hard on anyone else experiencing this. I feel that you did the best she could do and now you need to take care of yourself so your health will remain intact. I wish you the best of everything. I’m wondering if maybe it’s time for hospice to step in. Good luck to you and I’m praying for you it’s not easy.💜

First of all, if she does not want to socialize, I doubt you can force her - it just won't work. Just let her be. As to the t.v., I would immediately remove the t.v. from her room - such loud volume is horrible and surely annoys others. Get her a Samsung Smart t.v. and use the word captions that appear on the screen when t.v. is watched. It is wonderful if one is deaf. And if she is abusive and nasty to you, for heavens sake - stay clear of her. You do not deserve that treatment. And remember this - what people sow is what they reap. She is what she is and she is not going to change - but ge t worse.

So sorry your mother has chosen this lifestyle. Since it is very ingrained - seems like years - you have very little chance of this changing. Unless she is forced to eat in the dining hall or forced to watch television is a common room, I do not see her changing her way of life.

Im so sorry I really do fill the pain. My mom is 92 in board n care. Has the workers at the facility tried to involve other resident females to go visit her in her room. Meaning some one resident with higher cognitive function. They can try at a time that would be a comfortable time for your mom maybe the two can eat lunch together but while watching TV or a special movie. I know my mom likes the old 50 60 shows. Instead of directly talking to uour mom they can sit side by side so she doesn't feel confronted and in time after consistent visits she may open up and from ther maybe she'll go out of her room but with baby steps. It's kind like the reading program alot of humane society do for kids. They sit outside the enclosures and sit not directly at the animal but to the side and read. It's give confidence to the child ,no judgment, and the dog cat feels the attention that does have a positive impact.. maybe the dog is shy, so he'll get used to people and become less shy allowing the dog to open up,which leads to further positives.
Please don't get me wrong I'm not comparing . We all humane animals have emotions and if you look outside the box for solutions there's more ways to help a situation. I pray this helps,but keep trying even if uour not directly hands on. I wouldn't be able to sit with the guilt of stopping trying. Please reach out to me if you want. I know what your going thru YOUR NOT ALONÈ.

Sohenc: Imho, apparently your mother's depression medications are NOT working. Some other medication should be tried since her chronic depression and the lack of interest in much of anything is a large factor in her well being.

It sounds as if she is doing exactly what she wants. Nothing... (except letting the TV blare). If she doesn't want to get out of bed, walk, socialize, nobody can make her...not you and no, not even the health professionals who plan her care. (She may be able to get some passive physical therapy in bed, but again, if she resists, it is her right to do so.) Hopefully she is getting good skin care to prevent bedsores.The medications may be helping her mood, but they seemingly are doing little else.

Sorry, I have NO helpful advice.
But there is nothing unusual about this. My grandmother, existed this way for months, maybe years (I was a youngster so don't recall how long.) She had good nursing care. There was no TV and she did precisely nothing. Stayed in bed. Ate only cereal with cream. Lived in her own world. She couldn't converse much (probably had Alzheimers, but it was not known then.). Eventually she died, peacefully, in her sleep. Expectations were different then. People accepted this behavior from the very elderly and were thankful if elders were not in pain.

Accept it as it is.

How are YOU?