I am one of four adult children of my 92 year old mom who now has dementia. I have lived with her for the past 19 years as has my brother, who is on social security for being disabled mentally. He is paranoid of everything, so therefore has never been able to work. I love my mother very much. She means the world to me and I have tried my very best , especially over the last 10 years, to care for her in the best way I know how. I take her out every morning to her favorite coffee place, I cook all her meals, take her to all of her doctor's appointments, take her on a summer vacation with her two dogs who she can't live without, clean the house, etc.etc.. My brother who lives here does next to nothing to help me. Once in a blue moon he takes out the trash cans and that is about it. He has become more and more angry and nasty and hates the world and it gets harder and harder to live with him. My other brother doesn't do anything to help me either. He gets mad over the slightest things, like my mom's dogs who he doesn't like, and then uses that as an excuse not to come over or do anything. My sister has done a little to help, but really not much at all. They all act like this is my total responsibility and that our mother is just mine when it comes to helping her. I have paid for many house repairs on my own over the last few years. The brother who lives with us pays very little to us each month and every month he has another excuse why he can't pay. It's hell trying to get the money from him. I'm so tired out and so sick of it!!
I guess my question is, how do I care for my mom and do my best when I am constantly upset by my crazy sibling who won't cooperate? How do I get past the anger that I am getting NO help from anyone? Does anyone else have a similar experience and how do you or how did you deal with it?? I know that I must accept that it is like I am an only child, but I really resent it.
One day I sat down with each of them, separately and talked about how mom was in the last years of her life and what kind of relationship did they want to have with her? How would THEY like to spend time with her? I was not asking for them to do chores or tasks.
My sister said she would like to visit once or twice a month on weekends. It turned out she did that. She stayed with mom and did hardly anything but sit and talk with her. She would cook and do a bit of food shopping and I have to say on those few weekends, I took OFF! I went off and did my own thing and enjoyed the time away. Although I spent NO time with my sister during her visits, she understood that I would be off and that was OK. At the end of the day, after my mom passed away my sister was very thankful that she had a few years of weekends once or twice a month to reconnect with mom.
When I talked it over with my brother, he only wanted to visit once or twice a year. It actually turned out to be three or four times a year in those last two years. In the end, he provided a lot of manpower cleaning her house and throwing things in dumpsters. He didn't want to go down memory lane and just wanted to get it over with and get on with living his own life.
He was kind of a good example for me. So, in the long run... I got no where when I demanded that they help. They just said hire someone! or put her in a home... when I helped them think about how they wanted to connect with their mom, and when I stepped away at their times with her, so they could have their own relationship with her... those were the times I felt they were most helpful to me.
Everyone has a different situation, but if you could try to look at it from the other persons perspective and find a way to appeal to their desire to connect with their mother, perhaps they will reach out to her directly and not through you.
I think in my case my brother and sister felt that I had the better relationship with mom, (she loved me best), and they also got lazy, because I was the first to jump at the work that needed to be done. While I got to help my mom in the way I wanted to, in order to be a good daughter to her, I needed to step away to let them get close... and trust me it took months before they actually started trying to reconnect with her.
Hoping this has been helpful to you and that you find what works best for your family.
I'm POA and substitute trustee to the parent's trust - something the older brothers don't care too much for and, as such, remind me constantly I am the contact person and POA - like that means they can't help? They expect me to maintain the calendar of all dr appointments for THEM so I can remind THEM when they have to be and where. So I'm their secretary too?
Dad lost his speech to Parkinsons but mind is sharp as a tack. He can manage their financial affairs just fine, I am just his voice, and since I'm the banker in the family I am much more familiar with their financial matters. Mom is just now showing signs of early dementia so a new journey will start with her soon enough.
Know that YOU are doing what you do out of love and your reward will come one day when you meet your loved one again after they have moved on. I do what I can do as often as I can do it and will continue to do so as long as I have them. Don't hold too much discontent for your siblings, it is their loss - they will wish they had spent the time with them when they have them no more.
You are doing an excellent job and whether they may not show it, they do appreciate all you do -
Sibling is that she takes care of her assests. She does not give me any info regarding them. The only time i hear from her is when its xmas, or one of her kids birthdays... that is when i get yelled at about gifts that need purchased, or a phone call from my mother. I dont think she completely understands all that i have to go through! So much work needs done on the house, but we don't have the money to fix it. I have used all of my own savings on things for my mom and the house. Its getting more difficult to take care of her. She has started tantrums and has even hit me or pulled my hair. She tells me she hates me and wants my sister. It hurts so bad since i love her and care from her. My sister does not want to hire anyone because the inheretence would dwindle. I am at wits end! I just need help and somehow access to more money. Unfortunately i cannot hire any lawyer since i can barely pay the bills. I am told all the time that once my mother is gone that the house will be sold. Where are my daughter and i to go???? ....so many sleepless nights filled with worry.
After over three years of problems with the "gang of five" because I've set boundaries to protect my father's property and assets - and much turmoil and many legal problems from trying to establish these boundaries to protect him and myself, I found some relief after applying for an order of protection against one emotionally "unpredictable" sibling who assaulted me in the home my father and I share. As things played out and my Dad came to realize the "gang's" true motives and willingness to lie and support (another) offender's breaking the law, the tension between him and me subsided. He has since taken some legal actions to address some of the wrongdoing, and I have taken action to have this second offender investigated for financial offenses against me regarding assets Dad placed in my name. As Dad's previous POA, this person misused his assets and conned me into trusting her with the assets Dad placed in my name.
Fortunately (for me), I could report this sibling to the state licensing board because their CPA license requires a "moral fitness" and ethical standards to be upheld.
Dad and I are better off with no involvement by the "gang" members" since the stress each one typically generates in visits/phone calls is harmful & sometimes abusive. I need to keep an audio/video recorder running during their visits to capture/contain their behaviors.
I know my response probably doesn't provide any answers for you. Just know that there ARE others who have challenges with disrespectful/narcissistic/abusive siblings.
Sometimes lessening expectations of the others - and ourselves - makes the stress a bit more manageable.
It sounds like you're doing a great job with your Mom, especially with a difficult live-in sibling and the negative/counter-productive brother. Coming to the realizations of what some people are is the toughest adjustment to make, IMO. Moving ahead in spite of them becomes easier.
psteigman offers some great advice re: finances.
Hang in there and keep this lifeline open, OK?
I can only say that this is all temempary. Enjoy your Mother while you have her in your life. You are her hope and joy. You have learned the truth about your siblings as I have and we can forgive but we won't forget their true colors.
They even stopped calling my mom.
So, I pretend they don't exist... And they get Nothing when she passes.
Focus on the mother, it's time for her to come first.
My advise to you is to try to do the same thing that I'm trying to do...change your attitude, because nothing will change the attitudes of your sibling(s). It is very difficult to do, but I think lowering expectations will lead to a much happier life.
More power to us care givers who really CARE!!!
The first thing you should do is to organize the finances of the household. POA, guardianship, will, medical directives, etc., need to be addressed immediately if they are not already in place. It can seem a hassle, but it is imperative. And, most importantly, you and your mother will both be protected. You may want to look into what services are available to your brother. Perhaps your local government or community has programs available to get your brother out of the house from time to time. However, if he is becoming angry to the point where you or your mother feel unsafe, you may need to consider a group home.
It took me a long time to address and deal with the anger I have towards my brother. Our relationship has been damaged, and I'm not sure it can be repaired, which saddens me. I have gone through many, many difficult days with my parents, even days where I had no guarantee that they would be alive the next day. I did it all without the support of my sibling. I have tried numerous times to see it from his perspective--maybe he is in denial that they are getting older, maybe he wants to remember them in better health, maybe he is scared to lose them. I don't know. What I do know is that I treasure every single moment with my parents. I have been stretched to my limits, but I would not do one thing differently. At the end, I will have no regrets about the relationship I shared with my parents. If my brother doesn't come around, he will have to face the decisions he has made. Take a breath and know that although the path you follow is difficult, you are doing good in taking care of your mom.
trained to do. In additional to that, they think they know better and proceed to tell others that they do know better, and I laugh, that's the only thing I can do right now, however, its a tough problem, and with proper thinking, and not losing your mind over things, just take one day at a time, and talk about things slowly with your sibling, until you can have that "effective" conversation with your sibling. Good Luck and do the best you can, take care of your own personal health, as that tends to go quickly with caretakers, that has happened with me. , Stay tuned down the road,, there just might be more things that come up in the future relating to home health care on a major level of work, I have some friends that have developed and are in the process of a proposal for building a Major Project called, "The Diamond Star Project" just for those disability Specific Problems at home, in particular to Federal housing with HUD and the Reasonable Accommodations, but we are headed for objections, and we need every CARETAKERS in the nation to support it, and we are just getting started promoting this to the general Public, as well as to Washington, and the World.
Care of your folks or other
Family members, I want to
Say bless you.
There was a song awhile back
Tittled "people are crazy" that
Comes to mind.
Why others are so cold, I don't
know, but I suppose they have
Their reasons.
One of my theroy is that we
are a commerical society.
everything is desposible, we
Want nothing but new, and
That we don't want difficulty
Or hard work. Also money.
Its diffuclt, if you stand up
or say something, you'll get
Thrown in your face, "your
Getting everything
For free"
The truth of the matter is Ltd
Is well over $3000 a month.
You are contributing that
much.
there may be options,..if dad
Was in the military he might
Qualify for aid and attendance...
If dad is gone, mom might
Still qualify.
There might be programs locally
For home repair. There are
Also programs for heating or
Cooling, there are restbite programs, adult daycare. Homemakers, meals on wheels
And public transportation.
These can help both the caregiver
And person being cared for.
most have a sliding scale.
lastly, NEVER be afraid to ask.
Take care and I wish the best.
as far as annoying siblings, assure and reassure again that your very much capable of being crazier than they pretend to be by far. git effin stupid with them, sadly its all some people understand.
case in point. when mother went on hospice my sis and neice were going to stay in the home and provide care, they brought with them a totally obnoxious dog in heat. it stank up the whole western part of the county iz what im sayin. i lost sleep all night one night wondering how i was going to get that creature out of our house without a fight. it came to me at 6 am. i sez, cap, yer gonna grow a pair of balls and do this thing. i called sis who tried 17 different end runs around my resolve and each time i reiterated that " the dog is gone " . dont let siblings punk you around, thats all im sayin.
lol, mom hated the dog and as she was stressing about it on the big day i never had so much fun in my life as reminding mom 20 times that the dog is gone. shed offer another complication but the reply was the same the gd dog is gone.
I think that for some of you folks with useless or harmful families, you should sing a different song. "There is always a way to make things a little better. I deserve to have a better life, and I'm going to try to get it."
I know there's no magic wand to solve everything. But please at least look for some help. Go to the local Area Agency on Aging. See what help is available. Sometimes they have a lawyer to consult, and they have a LOT of experience. If your disabled sibling has a caseworker, talk to them. Go through your parent's doctor. There are things you have to accept, but there are other things that need "the courage to change."
Maybe you have already done all you can, and have sought help from everyone. Maybe the only way to make your life better is to come here and share with us, so you won't feel so alone. Please join our family.