Is anyone dealing with unhelpful and nasty siblings?

Been there done that. Sister is the POA, which mean to her that she is Mom's alter ego, in fact she thinks she is one and the same. I am sure she tells people that I am a bad daughter and a bad sister. And that she has to do it all.

My latest sibling issue is he's telling all of dad's neighbors and some of our other relatives (uncles and cousins), that I'll sell everything dad owns out from under him. The irony is I'll have to, there is some truth to it, but he makes it sound as though it's for myself, and these stupid people believe that. Dad's house is in a horrible state, it's sinking do to cracked foundation, the house is actually sloaping, you can't even close the doors and lock them on the back of the house, out of four bathrooms, there's only one that actually works. I can't mow the yard and maintain it and take care of dad at my house too, I can't do everything, brother will not do any work on the house to maintain it even though he lives two miles away and doesn't work. So who maintains the house? Who keeps up the yard? So far the neighbors have, and they're tired of it. Dad doesn't qualify for Medicaid because of retirement assets and the house, so the house has to go, the house is only going to get worse. And yet, brother has the neighbors worried about the house being sold, and not one of them have yet to ask him why they are maintaining the outside of the house when he lives so close and doesn't work? Brilliant people. I could just bite the bullet in one giant swoop and liquidate everything, done, take the verbal barrage of insults from a dozen different people I don't know and a complete and thorough attack on my reputation, in the end only the attorney's knowing the truth as I slap down all the paperwork in front of them that everything has been handled appropriately and not one thing has gone to my benefit. Worth it, no.

Bless you, staystrong57! You are so right and isn't it wonderful that she wants to go back for bedtime. She sounds like she enjoys life when she can laugh at herself for falling because of a fly. You made the right decision and just tell her you love her as many times as you can. She may not always remember you, but she will remember your kindnesses. hugs and blessings.

Know exactly the feeling.. I went out to get the mail. I was gone less then one minute. Came in and Mom was on the floor. I thought she had a heart attack. I went down to my knees and she says "I tried to swat that fly and fell down " she started laughing... I must have a strong heart.... Stuff like this happens all the time. As caregiver's we never know. Mom is now in Assisted Living. She has Diabetes, Memory issues, Congestive Hear failure. She needs to be watched 24/7. I did it for 7 years. She has severe depression. She was falling a lot. I know I made the right choice. She is on 4 shots at different times of the day for diabetes. Also diarrhea from sucking on sugarless life savors as she has dry mouth...She wears depends. I picked her up the other day to take her out and she messed in her depends and it went out all over her pants, I felt sorry for her. I find this stuff hard to watch and see her decline.... Now I just pay all her bills. But it is a job.. I can go see her , take her out for supper. It is less stress for both of us. She likes it and wants to be brought back for bedtime. I bought her a new bedroom set....She's an Angel:)

I feel the same way, my brother shows up once a month, my two sisters have moved out of state and offer useless criticism by way of face book, which I usually ignore, but my friends comment on it over the phone or in person. Sometimes I feel like I am an only child, also. Some days I feel like I would like a life, where I can come and go and not have to pay someone to sit with mom so I can go to the store, or have to run home cause the companions time is up. I choose to take care of her and that is what I am doing. She has been pacing for the last 6 hours and it will be time to put her in her room and put the gate up so I can get some rest.
Keep your chin up and doing a great job, try to ignore the other garbage from your sibling. Joel Osteen is a big help for me, a possiblity preacher.

Thanks so much for your encouraging words....My half brother, Jay, was arrested and put in jail. This will be the third time since our Dad passed. Ever since my Dad passed (2 years ago ) Jay has gone off the deep end. He is on disability for Mental Health Issues.He caused his own divorce and lost visitation of his twins.His x wife has been leading him on by using him for a babysitter. I guess the state is now going to get an evaluation on him. He goes off the deep end and talks about satan and other religious things. He was on medication,,, We were so close all our life it was not till our Dad passed that he snapped and became another person. It took a while to see it.He has been through three deaths, his Dad, his divorce ( same thing as death), and My Mom is not the same and her memory is going.He has a bad temper. I am hoping they put him in somewhere to watch him. I have a gut feeling now that he has messed up badly and lost the right to see his twins he will harm himself My other brother is an alcoholic and has never been around.. But thankfully he has not been around for a few months,, After Mom is gone, if she goes before me, I will sell my house and move. I want to go to Florida, I am not getting any younger and these gloomy days and cold winters are starting to wear on me. I am the oldest and only girl and I have been taking care of my parents for 7-8 years. Mom has really serious depression , runs in her family. Thanks for listening. I am upset over my brother as it also effects my Mom...

Oh dear, that is really awfull. I am so exasperated with hearing about siblings who are no help, or who actually are hurtful. As I mentioned the only way for me to soothe my "resent" is to believe there will be some type of reward in the Hereafter, call it Karma, or a golden crown, or what have you, but those of us who have been doing battle with our siblings over our parent(s) care, deserve MUCH better than we are currently receiving. I have even had a heart-to-heart discussion with my parents' attorney, over the POA question, and from what I can determine, reading between the lines, this attorney has a "deal" going with the out of state sibling who has (you guessed it) total DPOA. Meanwhile, I am very busy doing Everything for my parent.....

GraceH, I have many of the same thoughts - and some of my siblings are in the same state. Two have gone so far as to blame Dad for criminal wrongdoings that they were involved with. It's his fault because he didn't watch one (CPA) close enough. It's also his fault that he left his cashbox open and unguarded - NOT! - for one of his grandchildren to steal thousands of dollars from it.

As others have said, you need to get help with the crazy sibling.....but as for the "resentment" you feel, I too have immense resentment with my out of state siblings. I am "The One" who does literally everything for my parent, as you are doing, and I am doing it not only for Free--but to the detriment of my own career. The siblings only visit when it is convenient for them.....but I have dropped everything at work to bring my parent to the ER. My siblings have even begged off of Jury Duty, when they live 14 HOURS away, claiming they "might" have an emergency with our parent!!!!! Honestly!!!!!! When our parent dies, I plan to spend a few hours ALONE with my own thoughts, grieving, BEFORE I ever contact my extremely LAME out of state siblings. So, perhaps what I am saying is, if you feel resentful, you are CORRECT to feel that way, and maybe you need to plan to take some time for yourself at some point, either as I have planned (when my parent dies, I will cherish a few hours without the siblings) or in some other manner. In some way, reserve something for yourself. YOU are the one who is making a difference in your parent's LIFE, not these lame sibling(s). Take PRIDE in what you are doing, even if you are not recognized here on Earth, (I believe) you will receive a reward in the hereafter. God Bless You.

Elizabeth61- I TOTALLY feel your pain. My stomach is upset for you now. I replied the other day on this subject, so disheartening. It blows the mind how "they dont Get it" and how its so easy for them to walk away and leave things in your lap. You know, I would at least feel a bit better if they admitted thier weaknesses and tried to help in "other ways" emotionally, financially, go to an alz seminar, do errands for us, be part of the equation. They're Stressed?? We're Stressed with our tasks and them not giving back in a proper manner. An example: Many times, I asked my brother, that if you go see mom at the rehab, can you let me know? So Im not tripping over myself to get there and worry about her sitting there alone, etc. Just that will aleviate some stress for me. He never does. He appears when it suits his schedule. Im huffing and puffing to get there and there he is, just sitting there. I said jeez I wished you called I couldve went to xyz. He just doesnt want to make the effort to pick up the phone, its so wierd. They're missing the courtesy, respect, sensitivity and love we should all share as siblings together while moms still here. A woman at the rehab said it perfectly...."Honey, don't cha' know one mother can take care of 7 kids, but 7 kids cant take care of 1 mother...." I just said "omg thats so true." (sad but true)
Like my last post basically stated.. Im at a place now where Im exhausted, and beat up...So in our journey, until we get to that place where were sick and tired of being sick and tired, we have to say at some point, ok Im done "cut your losses" (boy what an expression) to save your sanity. We just hurt ourselves over and over again trying to figure them out- and then the anger comes. I have a tense relationship with my sister who's a born-again christian! Talk about trying to figure that one out? Communication to her is confrontation and just backs off....I figured out, its because...she just cant deliver..but of course..."It me", Im too much....the funny thing is Im on eggshells with my words to her, because she does back off. It all just sucks the energy out of you. Bottom line is thier hearts arent open, thier wallets arent open and thier time isnt open. So, start the New year with as much of a clean slate as possible and TRY EVERYDAY to breathe deep to give yourself the clean energy needed for your mom (loved one) and release them. Let go of keeping your fingers crossed hoping for them to rise to the occasion. Its dissapointing but necessary for your own peace of mind. A part of me will always be angry at them, now and when mom passes. I wonder if I'll have a relationship with them? Do I care to after everything. I mean stuff like this show's your true character right? We'll Im trying to get myself peaceful for me and mom. I'll think about them later. Hopefully I'll be a bigger better person from all this or they may have to reap what they soe. I guess I'll cross that bridge when I get to it.
All the best~

In noticed that they get mad really fast when they are trying to hide something. When I married my husband, I accepted his idolizing view of his brothers and their wives....husband is the youngest and very kind (luckily for me) and very busy with his business so he doesn't always have time to think about "trivial" things. He always gives everyone the benefit of any doubt. I took the front seat in caring for his parents. For husband and his parents, I love them, but not his brothers. They treat me subservient. Husband tried to reason with them but they are non committal and liars. Husband has consequentially dealt with the situation by writing the brothers and their families off (very heart breaking for us). One SIL has been calling MIL everyday morning and night for almost 2 years and visits every month or so and recently took her for Christmas. They don't talk to me (the primary caregiver) They come and go as they please taking her regardless of what I planned for her. I let that go, because her interaction with different people is better for her mentally (in my mind) then a missed concert or church outing. I even let go the stupid thoughts she would put into MIL's head (that I would have to mitigate). Recently MIL has been staying with us because of a problem at her house. SIL is still calling the twice a day at MIL's house...not leaving messages. MIL told her she was staying with us. It's like she doesn't care if she talks to MIL or not just that there is a physical record that she calls twice a day...What is she up to? Since they don't feel it's necessary to inform me of their comings and goings with MIL I don't feel it necessary for me to inform them. I offered MIL to call SIL and she said "No, I'm happy,I don't want it" Again, What is SIL up to?

I too am one of four children. My younger brother stayed with mom for 1 1/2 years. He has worked as a caregiver for others, but mom just about drove him crazy. I moved her into my home a year ago and things have gone from bad to worse. My sister, who lives 5 minutes from us, sees mom maybe 15 minutes a week. My other brother, who lives 18 miles away, stops by Saturday or Sunday for an hour. No help at all. I needed to work Christmas Eve and asked my brother, who is retired, to sit with mom. She slept until 11a.m. and he called me at 1 p.m. and said he was ready to go home. Drives me crazy. When I took mom in, my brother and his wife agreed to take her to their home one weekend a month to give me a break. Lasted two months. Mom got confused, wet their bed and was wandering around their house without clothes looking for the bathroom. Instead of helping her, they brought her back to me with her wet clothes for me to wash. I won't do that to her again. They were more upset about their bed than how upset mom was. I wish I could do something to make them want to care for mom. Just visiting would help. But they are too busy and being around mom makes my sister nervous. Give me a break. I mean that literally, Please, give me a break.

AMEN! Roxanne627. The time wasted in the squabbling, envy, jealousy, greediness, nastiness in the relationships is awful. Think of all we could accomplish and how much better our world would be all around if we could reverse the anger into love, forgiveness, compassion, serving each other including our loved ones for whom the caregivers give up so much of their own life. Blessings for everyone! xxxooo

Big {{{HUGS}}} to all of you! I hope that one day our siblings realize how much easier their lives have been because we love our parents enough to put our lives on hold to take care of them and give them a better life. ~Roxanne

Yes, I am my mother's POA but I live a long way from her home. I recently sold her home when she had to go into a nursing home, and my brother was so nasty that I had to hire a security guard when I was emptying the home. And now, my mother is insisting that she move in with my brother. This is the worst possible scenario, and the doctors are saying she has a right to make even this bad decision. She is 100 years old. I'm now trying to get set up a way to make all her payments for medications and so on; meanwhile my brother is being investigated for financial abuse! This is definitely a nightmare, and I can sympathize with you a lot. I think you've received some good answers (get your brother a guardian and into a group home, talk with your other siblings about the kind of relationship they want with your mother) and plenty of support. You are lucky to have a good relationship with your mother at least. I don't even have that, because she "blames" me for selling her house, getting her into a nursing home, despite the fact that she's in much better health and better socially than she was for years! Sometimes you just can't win. You can only know that you are doing your best and that might have to be enough. All the best to you and plenty of hugs!

I feel for you, BIG TIME as I am in pretty much the same spot. I have care for my mother with dementia for about 8 years. Prior to that it was my father and my aunt and my brother in law. Because of the fact that I am on disability and at home it was just assumed that I would care for everyone.

As much as I hate to say it, the only person I really did not mind caring for was my father. He was only really ill for about a year and I thank God that he was still physically strong enough to pull himself up other wise I do not think I could have done it.

I really did not think my mother would last more than 3 years after my fathers death as she became so depressed and just locked herself away in the house never leaving except for doctor appointments or to go to the cemetery to put flowers on the graves of her family members. She refused to go to anyone for the depression and next thing we knew she was diagnosed as having dementia and told her brain was shrinking.

I moved into my mothers house in 1999 with my daughter as I was ill. I was only going to be here until I got better but I am still here. My older sister also moved in and has lived here for as long. Now you asked about a nasty sibling....this is mine. I found out when I was 28 that she had hated me since birth and planned on continuing until one of us die. She has lived up to her end of the bargain!!! Anything she can do to make my life hard or miserable, she will. We have a younger sister that both of us get along with. Her and I are very close and love the same things and we both have daughters that get along like best friends, so we do things together when we can. This does not make nasty sister happy, at all!

Nasty sister basically does nothing to help although she lives here. She takes care of her own personal needs, cleans her room and bathroom, her laundry and that is it! There is zero help with the house, the yard, laundry, groceries, I do mean nothing! I see a therapist to try and keep my sanity and they told me to leave the house and get out on the weekends. When I do, nasty sister comes up with something she needs to leave to do or she gets ticked off and is either especially nasty with a hateful attitude or an argument may ensue.

The last time this happened was about a month ago, when she informed me while laughing in my face, that "I was no care giver! I was a joke! The last time our house was clean was many years ago! She was not going to work all day then come home and clean! (she works part time and is off at 2:30 but stays gone til 5 or 6 so she has to do nothing to help)" She went on to tell me that "from now on if I wanted to leave the house on the weekend I would have to ask her first!" Oh yes, I would have to run it by her and then she would tell me if I could leave or not! To that I called Bull----T! I told her that she was able to leave the house every single day and stayed gone into the evening even though her job ends at 2:30! I was going to leave the house every frickin weekend and she could stay home and take care of Mom.....everyone gets time off!!

She is totally ticked off at me even more than she use to be because I am my mothers DPOA not her. I asked Mom and her attorney to please make me the DPOA because Nasty sister had not paid one cent in over two years towards the household and she was paying HER BILLS out of Mom's checkbook! I am also in charge of her healthcare.

Every year when I try to take a vacation a huge fight takes place because she does not want to care for Mom or the dog. Yet she was the sister who felt called to be a nurse many years ago. Nasty, nasty woman! Two years ago we had gotten into an argument prior to my vacation and she filed a FALSE REPORT WITH ADULT PROTECTIVE SERVICES!!! She told them that I had abused her and beat her (she was 65) and caused bruises on her arms! She went to Kaiser and told her social worker, who took pictures, they helped her fill out the paperwork had her sign it and filed it! I had Adult Protective Services sitting in my living room wanting to interview me to see if THEY SHOULD PROSECUTE ME!
The only thing that saved me, was the fact that my 16 year old niece was sitting about 10 feet from us and saw everything that happened and told them that I never laid a finger on her....IT WAS A TOTAL LIE!!!!! She was willing to have me thrown in JAIL!!!! Things like this happen every single summer without fail when I am trying to leave for vacation.

Both of Nasty sister's kids have turned their backs on her and moved to other states "to escape her toxicity!" Her husband divorced her years ago. She has had doctors tell her "not to return" because they could not deal with her. She complained about every doctor her HMO sent her to so they finally sent her to a psychiatrist.... She doesn't see them however....if they do not agree with her, she quits. OH YES, I HAVE A NASTY SIBLING!

Younger sister lost her husband about 6 years ago and she works very long hours to try and hold on to her home. She has two college age kids and she has suffered with depression for years. Her plate is very full and there is no way I can get help from her around here. That I understand. One of her kids stays with us during the day on vacations so they can hang out with my daughter and i make dinner for them every other Friday night so we get to see them.

I did tell my Nasty sister and my daughter that I wanted help around here and that pretty much fell on deaf ears. My sister did vacuum once or twice but it all stopped completely within two weeks. I can "make" my daughter help, but I cannot force NASTY sister to help at all. I did tell her that if she failed to help, I was going to hire a housekeeper.....then Mom came unglued because I told her it was coming out of her money...as in inheritance!

The truth is there is nothing you can do to make any sibling help you. They stay away because they are glad you are the one stuck with the care giving and if they come around you might ask them for help so they HIDE!!!!

If you can keep your sanity and if you have friends or family to get away with, go out and do it. I honestly rely on my therapist coming to my home every week, there are many times that she is all that keeps me going! You need to find one so you can voice your fears, anger and concerns.

I truly feel for you as your brother is an added burden and he is living off of you and your Mom.

God Bless You!

Yup, I have the same problem with my family members, no help. I've decided to give all the family problems to God, and let him work it out. I can't fix it. We've hired two care givers so I can go to work, and they have been truly amazing, a gift from God. Counseling from Church, and Social Workers has helped me get past my anger and move on, and they have been soooo supportive of me and Mom. Like you, I've had Mom for going on 20 yrs. I think Soozi's idea is really good, and if I see my family members again, I'm going to try it. I doubt that I will see them again, and if that's the case, that's ok too, because God has the wheel now. I know what it feels like to be the only one. Hang in there, remember this is for your Mom, she needs you. God bless you for all that you're doing for your Mom. I would look for a place to relocate your live-in brother, having two to take care of at the same time is way, way, way tooo much!

I agree with AK, there are some appalling people in the world. I suppose my sister would say that I am the bad sib, but I am not. I've got a lot of troubles besides my people who have dementia. Believe me, I try to help Mom but sis thwarts me at every turn, then says I am a problem. So yes, suddenly, I have a nasty sib.

In NYS, for example, you mat record any conversation in which you are a participant where all are either present or in NYS. I recommend you check the recording laws for your own state (google recording laws _______ (state name)).

I truly feel for you. My mother, rest her soul, died last June. I'm 49 and lived with her most of my life because of my health problems. I have multiple sclerosis (MS), and when the time came, I thought that it would be better if she moved in with my sister and her family, so that Mom would be safer and have a closer relationship with my sister. Well, I was wrong. They took nine months to put a shower safety bar in, because my brother-in-law was more concerned about damaging the house than he was about my then 85-year-old mother's falling and cracking her head open. The expensive smoke detecting system that they had kept going off when it shouldn't. For MONTHS, he said that it wasn't defective, just dirty. He finally cleaned it. Even though my sister has two children, then over age 15, and able to care for themselves, and she only worked part-time and from home, I spent a lot of time taking Mom to her appointments and to the store, etc. My family's self-centeredness is so textbook. Remember nastiness can be expressed in numerous ways. Your brother needs to move out before something bad happens to you or your mother. He needs professional oversight, of some kind or another. I'm very familiar with mental illness, as I have major depression and anxiety and my father was paranoid and extremely self-centered and could be violent. No, it isn't easy to be firm like you need to be, but a person can only do so much and then they need to move on. You have yourself, your mother, and the innocent animals to protect and care for, first and foremost. If you can get him help, that would be great. If you can't, because it isn't available or he won't accept it, that would be extremely unfortunate, but you sound as if you've done what you can, and that it is time to move on.

Sometimes, talking with someone and pointing out the obvious just doesn't work. I've tried to explain to my sister over and over about my MS fatigue and how it really limits me, but she just doesn't care. I've written her off as family and am moving on. It hurts, but I have to do it, or I'll just keep getting hurt, which helps absolutely no one.

Find ANY outside help that you can. Try senior services of all kinds and even organizations for disabled or veterans. Also try the Salvation Army, Goodwill, nursing homes of all kinds, the local Social Security Administration, etc. They may not be able to help you directly, but there is a good chance that they can refer you to someone. It may take awhile, as I am still finding out for myself, but it is better than being treated rudely and insensitively. So much good luck to you and your mother. I just read an answer where one person is thinking of recording family conversations. Do this. I forgot that I got an app for my phone to record conversations with my sister. You may not be able to use anything like that in court, should things go that direction, but these recordings would show a pattern of abuse/neglect that could protect you and your mother in the future.

I can't tell you how helpful this thread has been to me. I think I became so isolated that I didn't know that others share the same issues. With me it is a brother who helps equally with finances but nothing else. I am trying to come to terms with the fact that I am the caregiver for our mom who didn't protect either me or my young daughter from my dad from his abuse. Grappling with this while trying to be a good caregiver. When my brother comes to see our mom, usually twice a year, he is pretty nasty to me. This thread has given me permission to go on my own vacation when he comes to see his mom. YEA!!!

You should realize that your siblings will probably not help you out and get over your anger at this and let it go. Concentrate on your mother and your own health, mental and physical. Realize that your siblings have let you know who they are. They are not doing for their mother and for you. Which means that you are under no obligation to do anything for them...ever. Take care of your mom like you are. Enjoy her in her remaining years with the knowledge that you were a good daughter. And when the time comes, let your other siblings take the responsibility of your mentally disabled brother.

SheriR - couldn't agree with you more on both points.

Momsbestbet (love the name, btw!) - what a good strategy you've adopted. I'm trying to do the same but finding it very difficult - I'll keep working on it. Learning - you clearly aren't in the same situation - lucky for you! - or you'd understand why I find your answer a bit condescending.

Consider whether you have deliberately established a reputation for being the only one who could truly and lovingly care for every one of your Mother's needs, and have now tired of the demands of the persona you have created for yourself. Frequently siblings cease to offer or pay attention to perceived needs, because their suggestions and offers were declined so consistently over a lengthy period that they came to understand that their concerns, opinions and willingness to assist were not valued enough to ever be accepted. Be aware to the possibility that you are now reaping what you have sown. Be aware to the possibility that you devoted your efforts to doing so much for your parent that you denied others the privilege of helping a parent whom they equally loved--and detrimentally impacted relationships in the process.

I am totally with you and the sugar coated advice still frustrates. In my opinion, it just takes continued talks with yourself [as an advisor] prayer and alot of deep breaths! I just try to be calm and say how long can I bang my head against the wall. I know when she passes how guilty they're gonna feel. Then they'll like me again, and try to be close to me again. I can see it as clear as day, but, Im just driving myself crazy, adding on more stress and depression when I continually remind myself of what they dont do to help. So, I told myself, Im really going to try to accept thier inadequacies, because it hinders me emotionally and my mother doesnt deserve that. She needs 100% of me to be present. Shame on them in thier laziness. My first step was returning a text to my sister and just said "Im learning to lower my expectations, so you just do whats in your heart and I'll keep doing what Im doing." and wished her a happy holiday. Am I still disapointed in my sibilings not rising to the challenge? NO DOUBT. But I realize, Im not going to win and guilting them causes bitterness between us all and ends up toxic. So for now my head is healing from not banging it on the wall [sort-a-speak] Im done fighting for the unity....and I dont need another part-time job. Best wishes for a Peaceful seeking New Year!
carla~

im the meanest sibling. i cant relate to your question. when i roar my older sisters s**t down their legs. its what my mom needed. AUDACITY, !! lol

Yes, I am the oldest of 2, and when I read this post and other replies I do not feel so alone experiencing some of the same. I do not have a good answer nor have I found a solution as my sibling is a highconflict type A person who thrives on drama and moved himself and his girlfriend into my fathers home. For me it's difficult to avoid the conflict and make good decisions in the best interest of my father without conflict... I will pray that we both have strength as I understand how exhausting this type of person can be. I have begun journaling the circumstances so I can leave the negativity on paper and focus on the real issues.

Wonderful ideas and suggestions from all of you! I wish it were that easy to have a family meeting where we actually sit down and discuss things. Honestly, sometimes I feel like aliens from space have inhabited the bodies of my siblings! I thought I knew these people!! I always thought about mom aging and how we would be as a family. I have to laugh about it now. I pictured my oldest brother (who mom always said we could always count on!! ha ha!!) coming to the rescue and helping me. I never dreamed that when I said "Help me please" there would be no one there. My sister thinks she has helped me by having me drive my mom over to her house (she lives about 1/2 hour away) so they could visit. But that was one time in forever. I dropped my mom off for two hours. That was the most help I have received from her. Her other 'help' is to tell me to seek a support group, go to yoga, meditate and take time out for myself. When I suggested that she come over here one day a month, she said I was sounding angry and maybe we could talk again another time. Huh?? I asked her to come over and help decorate the tree with me. This is something I have done every year plus have hosted Christmas here. So, I thought this year I could use a little help. She said she would get back to me about it but I never heard another word. So, asking for help, dividing up responsibilities, just isn't happening here!
Another time when I asked my oldest brother for help he just said "I don't know what you are going to do. It's a bad situation and you should have thought about it before you moved back in with mom. I have my own life and I can't.......". Fill in the blank.
So, yes I agree that sitting down and talking like grown ups would be great. But as a dear friend told me, I just must think of myself as an only child and stop expecting help.
Every night when I tuck my mom in she tells me I am the best thing that has ever happened to her and thanks me for all I do. This just makes me cry and I realize how much I love her and makes all the craziness fade away. I can't even imagine a world without her in it. So , I remind myself of this over and over every time I feel overwhelmed. One day she won't be here anymore so I want to make the most of our time together.
Thank you again everyone!! You are all so great!!!xoxoxoxoxo

Keep in mind that you are doing the best that you can and that you're doing it for your mother. My mom and aunt had a similar problem with their siblings when it came to caring for my 92 year old grandmother. Everything was always well why can't Danielle(me) do it. And so I did.... I gave up being a normal kid in their early 20s to take care of my aging grandmother. With little to no help from relatives. All who decided that towards the end they NEEDED a say. My suggestion to you would be is attempt to sit your siblings down and talk to them about your mom's health. Tell them what you're doing and how it would help a little bit if every now and then when a sibling is free if they can take mom to an appointment. Maybe your sister can take her to get her nails done or something just to give you at least an hour to yourself. Because you have to make sure you have time to yourself at some point because it can litterally make you BONKERS having nobody to help you. If none of your siblings want to step it up a little, try seeing about getting an aid for a few hours a day.

My mom has 3 siblings... 1 which we live with and 2 who are married to highly controling spouses. My aunt (the one we live with) was financially supporting my grandmother for the past 10 years. My mom did all the cooking for my grandma and I did everything else, I shuffled her to doctors appointments, and took her anywhere she wanted to go. I made sure she got off to the center okay and greeted her at the door at 2:15 if I was home. My grandma made her schedule around my school and work schedule because getting her non working grandchild or retired son and daughter to do ANYTHING was useless. As she got "more difficult" (as one cousin put it) we did everything we could to get an aid to take care of her for a few hours because it was starting to become just too much and trying to keep up with her needs and everything else going on just became too much. Even though I have 3 RETIRED relatives, 1 cousin who works PART TIME, everything always ended up falling on us because they always found excuses why they couldn't do things for my grandmother.

Grandma passed away peacefully in the comfort of her own home about a month ago and my mom and her sister have hardly spoke to their brother or sister since. Yet, in about 2 weeks they'll be annoying us non stop because they want items of my grandmother's they think are due to them.

The way we handled it was, you're either in it 24/7 or you're not and if you're not, then you are giving me the right to make any decision I see fit in the care of mom (grandma).

Seriously, try sitting down with your siblings and coming up with a plan. Maybe your brother who uses the dogs as a reason why he can't come over can at least meet mom at the door and take her out to lunch.
Your sister can maybe once an a while do a lunch or dinner and maybe take mom to get her nails done or go out to a movie.
As for crazy paranoid brother, try to get him to maybe do something like watch TV with mom and talk to her about what they're watching. Maybe he just engage mom in conversation just enough to keep her entertained.

Sadly, a sit down with my family was not happening at all because again, both my aunt and uncle married very controling people.