I took care of both my parents for 5yrs. I lost them both within a year of each other, with dad being gone less than a year. I moved across the country and ended up eventually having to give up my job to do this.
I am not bragging here but I was left a decent enough inheritance that I don't need to work as long as I am not foolish in the near future. I recently relocated back to where I was living before.
What I am find annoying is there are a couple of people (one in particular) who seems overly concerned about me not working. Every couple of weeks this friend(who lives in another state) will ask "how is the job search going?". Well I haven't even really started looking, and I am getting resentful of this question coming up.
I don't know if it is jealousy, or they're trying to find out what I was left, or it is concern.
I guess what ticks me off is was WORKING, I took care of both my parents for 5yrs, my father was 24/7 the last several months of his life. What do these people think I was doing? Sitting around eating candy and watching TV?
Anyway, if anyone has any thoughts or a response that will nip this in the bud I would appreciate it. I wouldn't keep asking someone "so have you found a job yet?" when the person hasn't indicated to you that they're looking.
And if someone is jealous of someone who put their life on hold for 5 yrs and now is dealing with both grief and trying to figure out what is next, but is also in a financial position where they don't have to just take a job, well I would be happy for that person, not resentful or badger them with questions.
Thanks.
Hugs and hope your finding a bit of peace now!
Caregiving changes us and I found that my true friends are with me now thru my Mom's journey with dementia..
Move on with so called friendship..
Kazzaa, you're absolutely right, when you're doing caregiving after awhile you don't even know who you are anymore. Than you're caregiving is done and you have so many emotions, loss, relief, emptiness.
It's like these people think "well OK, your parent is gone, time to get back to work", as if you can just bounce back from this situation. Caregiving changes you, you're not the same person you were going in as you are coming out, and by that I mean you have both good and bad experiences.
Like many caregivers I didn't even have the luxury of going to a movie(I love going to the movies and hadn't been to one in a year), or sitting at Starbucks enjoying a coffee, these little things that non caregivers take for granted.
I found myself again yesterday on the phone explaining why I wasn't working as of yet, because again another person(who is another state) asked "so are you working yet?". I did say to them you do realize that caregiving is work, and that with my dad that included on/off the toilet and showering(I hope they got a visual....LOL), and that I am trying to rebuild the life I had before my parents needed me.
I find myself getting annoyed at being asked this question, and resent feeling I have to give an explanation. As I said earlier I don't ask people questions on subjects that they don't bring up to me. For example I would never say to an obese person who has never mentioned going on a diet "so do you plan on losing weight?".
If anyone has any quick answers or a smart relpy to this question, I would love to hear them....Thanks!
Why not the direct approach?
"Well, thanks for asking. But that's a sensitive subject with me, and I'd appreciate it if you wouldn't ask me that again. I don't want to discuss it."
After all, it IS a sensitive subject with you, you DON'T want people to ask you that again, and you DON'T want to discuss it. Seems to me that's the best answer: the truth.
I appreciate your response, but if I said that the way you worded it, IMO it sounds awkward. I also don't think when someone has asked you 3 and 4 times(when you don't bring the subject up) that "thanks for asking" is a good response. Maybe after 1 or 2 times. That's why I asked about a quick/smart reply that could hopefully nip it in the bud.
I have tried the direct approach. A couple of months ago I called a friend of my parents(again lives in another state) who I have known since I was a child. Once again "so have you found a job yet?". So I said "well I don't need to look for work right now"...to which they replied(and in a snotty tone) "well if you don't need to look for work right now".
I was kind of taken aback and could sense their resentment over the phone by their tone of voice. I haven't called them back nor have I heard from them since.
They know how well I took care of my parents, and actually came to visit twice and commented to me "Thank God for you, you're parents are lucky to have you".
Now I get resentment because my parents left me some money????? I would be happy for that person.
And the reason it is a "sensitive" subject for me, is because I have one person who is like clockwork on this. I could see if I said I was looking for a job, but I have given no indication that I am. Enough already, as I said if someone doesn't bring a topic up or I have asked a question and the person chose not to give a direct answer I get the hint and drop it.
If they are not good enough friends to share this with, maybe the best approach is just to drop them. Who needs out-of-state acquaintances giving out bad vibes?
Depending on these people, they could be worried that if you don't get a job immediately, you'll have problems when you start to look, jealous of you and your good financial fortune, or they just want you to be like everyone else and immediately get a job when you're done with caregiving. I'd give them the benefit of the doubt until they prove otherwise. People like others to follow the crowd and you're not doing that right now.
I understand your need to get your life back together after caring 24/7... it can take a long time.
Just a suggestion, what about part-time volunteer work? Find something you love to do. That would look great on a resume, and also throw a loop to those who are asking if you found work yet... volunteer work trumps a paid job :)
You find now you have to start over again. Ironic as this sounds, I have actually thought of looking for some type of caregiving job when I do start looking. I find I have a calling for it. Now I did mention this to the one person who keeps asking and they said "well don't under employ yourself"....LOL. Can't win for losing.
It's like they expect you to just go back to "normal" within in a week. They don't even have a clue how much paperwork is involved after someone passes, this same person was shocked when I said I had to file taxes for my dad.
Blannie, I got a kick out of your comments. I really liked the first one....LOL.
Your comments are the kind that should nip it in the bud!
I actually do volunteer work with my local library. I was doing this before I had to leave to take care of my parents and am doing it again. In fact I am thinking about applying for a position as a library clerk. Now I mentioned this to the same person and again "well don't under employ yourself".
I'm not looking right now; I've decided to climb Mt. Kilimanjaro first so I'll be in training for another year.
(substitute any high energy, high intense activity for mountain climbing... i.e., decided to enter the Tour de France, etc.)
I've decided to study at a Buddhist monastery for awhile.
I've decided to swim the English Channel first.
I'm working on a novel that I hope will be sold for movie rights and be the new blockbuster.
I've decided to go to medical school to be a geriatrician.
GardenArtist, I love your comments. I always think a little humor is a good way to sidestep a topic you don't want to discuss. Most people should get that.
I agree Linda22, I find people that haven't done hands on caregiving just don't get it. One of the people who ask about the job situation(the most often) a few years back wanted me to come visit 1,200 miles away. I explained more than once I can't leave my parents.
I even said it would be like a single mom leaving an 8yr old and a 9yr old own their own for a weekend, not possible. To me it's not that hard of concept, but again people who haven't been caregivers just don't get how involved it is.
Now my caregiving days are behind me and now I have to explain why I just don't run out and get a job....LOL.
Thanks.
Simple, right? Said in the proper icy tone, if puts busybodies in their place. If the questioner persists in saying, "I'm worried about you," or "I was just wondering," a brief, "I'm doing fine, thanks" followed by a change of topic should do the trick.
Both parents in and out of hospital and both in and out of re-hab. Well now my husband is sick. The reason I am bring this up is looking at your post that spoke about the amount of paper work that has to be done and filed!! It is all over my house and I can not keep up with it. Now it is for the 3 of them. One pile of papers take priority over the next as one illness comes after another. Am at witts end. The paper work in itself is 2 full time jobs. Then add the actual caregiving and you don't have time to sleep.These people should walk in your shoes and then they would understand. People seem to only understand only their own situations.
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I have answered "I would not have time to even look for work, much less be a reliable employee. My folks are my priority". That usually shuts them up, but good!
(a) Are you dating anyone? Are you planning on getting married, dear? (Remember all those dimunitive "dear" comments from noisy old women?)
(b) Why would you be worried about going to college when you'll just be getting married?
(c) Have you started a family yet?
Although no one would ask me those questions now given that I'm approach my 7th decade, I wish at the time women had the options they had today.
I'd tell them:
"No, I'm planning to run for president first."
"No, I don't plan to even consider anything that doesn't support my career."
"No, I plan to (a) cure cancer (b) research [name any disease]"
"I'm more interested in being a combat aviator."