I took care of both my parents for 5yrs. I lost them both within a year of each other, with dad being gone less than a year. I moved across the country and ended up eventually having to give up my job to do this.
I am not bragging here but I was left a decent enough inheritance that I don't need to work as long as I am not foolish in the near future. I recently relocated back to where I was living before.
What I am find annoying is there are a couple of people (one in particular) who seems overly concerned about me not working. Every couple of weeks this friend(who lives in another state) will ask "how is the job search going?". Well I haven't even really started looking, and I am getting resentful of this question coming up.
I don't know if it is jealousy, or they're trying to find out what I was left, or it is concern.
I guess what ticks me off is was WORKING, I took care of both my parents for 5yrs, my father was 24/7 the last several months of his life. What do these people think I was doing? Sitting around eating candy and watching TV?
Anyway, if anyone has any thoughts or a response that will nip this in the bud I would appreciate it. I wouldn't keep asking someone "so have you found a job yet?" when the person hasn't indicated to you that they're looking.
And if someone is jealous of someone who put their life on hold for 5 yrs and now is dealing with both grief and trying to figure out what is next, but is also in a financial position where they don't have to just take a job, well I would be happy for that person, not resentful or badger them with questions.
Thanks.
gladimhere, you're absolutely right. I no longer have anything to do with my only brother. Besides never lifting a finger to help, he never seemed to get that if it wasn't for me our parents would have been in big trouble.
Shortly after I relocated(this was an across the country move for me) he came to visit, he asked me if I was planning on getting a job. I said this is my job, I showed him an Excel spreadsheet that I used to track Dr. appts. The month before we had 8 appts. between mom and dad. I asked him who is going to hire me for a job, when I have to drive two elderly parents to various appts during the day.....no response.
He still doesn't get or appreciate what I did, IMO it is relieve his own guilt. We had WONDERFUL PARENTS, and it was shameful how he wouldn't even spend time with them when he would visit.
Anyway, many of you came up with some great responses that were awfully funny.
One poster(AKdaughter) asked if maybe they were concerned about me grieving and being depressed. Well yes I am grieving, but I really don't think that is the concern.
I really think it is part jealousy, and the mindset that "well you're parents are gone, now it's time to get back to a real job". No thought given to the fact that I spent the last 5 yrs just being a caregiver, moved to an area where I didn't even have one friend to go out with occasionally. Don't get me wrong, I would do it all again, but I would understand and hope that the former caregiver would take some time to restart their life, and be happy for them that they don't have to look for work currently.
Thanks again to everyone.
Yep i get "so no MAN yet?" "shame you never had kids" "why dont you just put your mum in a home and get on with your life"
Life is hard asses make it harder!!
I dont claim to be a martyr as soon as i cant cope anymore mum will have to go into a home im dreading that day and would rather she pass now than do that to her but we just never know whats around the corner?
Irishboy i have a "bucket list" i almost died twice in the last five years so when i got through it i made a list of all the things i want to do in life........go to vienna and stuff my face with chocolate cake...........go horseriding in Argentina learn to tango move to spain..........start my own coffee shop..........get two donkeys and a dog.....buy a small house by the ocean in Spain oh and of course meet my soulmate!!!!!
Watch this space ive always been fairly stubborn and get to do what i set out to do!! You should think about something youve always wanted to do maybe tour europe? ride a bull in texas? do something good for you and stuff those begrudgers!!
Oh, as luck would have it someone asked today "how is the job hunting going?", oddly enough someone I do volunteer work with. So I used Debralee's wise words, I said "well for the last 5yrs I had a 24/7 job, no vacations, no time off, no help"...shut them right up!!!!! I guess that is what it is going to take.
I wasn't rude, but I had a tone in my voice....LOL. Hey, it worked, and I will use it again with the next nosy person.
I mentioned this to this friend and also inquired about coming to see them(they live in New England and I would be going to NY), their response just floored me. They said they THINK(no one asked them) I should get a job first and than look to going east in the spring/summer of 2015.
Unreal.
I was actually quite angry, I am going to respond and include some of the well written comments you all were kind enough to suggest. Including I am not looking for work, I am working on rebuilding my life, and I just came off a big job of taking care of two elderly parents.
And I won't be visiting them when I go back east.
I have 3 elderly aunts I want to see, telling someone to go next year, many months from now, may not be wise. One is over 90, and I already mentioned on the phone I am planning a trip to see them.
AK daughter, don't feel bad. I am shocked by the comments but it gives me more insight, and I have joined a book club in addition to doing volunteer work at the library.
gladimhere, apparently it isn't a job. You know thinking back over the last few years this friend would constantly in emails tell me about their busy socially life and what they were doing over the weekend, while I was pretty much housebound with mom and dad. And they knew my world was going to Dr. appts, doing the shopping, cooking, no social life and no friends in the area where my parents lived.
Now I have so time for myself and I'm supposed to be only job hunting.
I didn't even have the luxury(as many caregivers know) of going to sit in Starbucks for 45 minutes or go to a 2 hour movie.
I also love what you said about "transitioning", that is so true. In fact I am going to include what you said in my email, I just got the email today and want to wait awhile before responding.
Enjoy your day tomorrow.
I sent an email to this friend last night. I was polite but direct. I broke it down in three parts.
1) Getting a job is not my main priority right now.
2) I want to take this trip back East to see family, a few of whom are quite elderly and waiting till next year may not be wise.(not that I needed to explain this but I did).
3) I just came off the hardest job I ever had taking care of two elderly parents, I am taking sometime for myself now.
I also used gladimhere's line about the transitioning from being a caregiver.
I will see what kind of response I get back. I have decided I am NO LONGER discussing any job related conversations with this person. And will say so if it happens again.
I am hoping at least that stating I am not currently looking for work will nip this constant questioning in the bud. If it does come up again in an email, I won't respond to that question.
I feel I spelled it out in my email, and no more comments should be made on that subject.
Thanks everyone.
Good for you, Irish.
To me silence, still shows someone being judgmental.
Going forward and I going to go less contact and limit the emails to vague topics, and not mention my trip again, I will just go on my trip and see the family in NY.
Regardless, if they ask again about job hunting, I will ignore the comment just like they ignored what I wrote. I am DONE explaining myself to people in situations that don't require their approval or an explanation.
I would give your friend the benefit of the doubt - it is easy to misconstrue emails, but you know best what to make of it.
I hope you take good care of yourself.
Or, I like what Sodonewithsal1 writes: Reply "Why do you ask?"
A better approach for this nosy person would simply be to ask how you're doing and let you say whatever you need to say instead of trying to decide when you need to return to work, etc., or whatever they're getting at!
Kazzaa, that is pathetic in a funny way that a shrink doesn't get it.
Heidi73, I think you're right, in their mind they're working so I should be working. But I did in my response (almost verbatim to what you said) mention caring for two elderly parents for several years, moving, and now taking time to restart my life.....completely ignored in her response. Which to me says either she don't get it, and is still being judgmental. Totally ignored what I wrote and discussed other topics.
That part of my email was completely ignored. I also think it is jealousy. She has to work and I currently do not. Which bothers me, were you jealous when I gave up 5 yrs of my life to take care of two parents? Why wouldn't you be happy for someone you're supposedly friends with now that they have the time to have take a breather and wish them well?
I decided I am going to have go less contact and be vague in my emails going forward. It saddens me, but if people don't support you or judge you, well I am not going to tolerate that.
I think you're doing a wonderful thing.
Just be prepared for SOME people to think once your mom is gone that you need to find a job right away. It is surprising, while some people don't ask and just wonder how you're doing, others seem to think "well that is done with, you need a job now". Not realizing you had a job, a very hard job that didn't end at 5pm. And that you can't just turn off the caregiving mode, like a light switch.
Heidi73, not only has this friend not done any caregiving and I don't see her doing any caregiving if her mother(who is 82 but in decent health and lives alone) needs it. She had to spend 3 days with her mom after she came home from the hospital about 2yrs ago and made a big deal out it, this was while I was still caring for both parents. I remember thinking is she kidding, she had to do for a few days what I have been doing for a few years. I didn't say anything, but I remember thinking back then, if her mom needs help down the road she won't be the one doing it.
While she was often supportive over the phone and through emails through the care and passing of my parents, I now feel this judgment and what I believe is jealousy.