Hi, I live in another state and my older brother (64) lives with my Mom who is 89. He yells at her, belittles her, won't drive her to where she needs to go, etc.
My Mom won't do anything and I am scared to report my brother as I don't want to add more stress to my Mother as she is constantly stressed because of my brother. I suggested that my Mom sell her house but she is not ready to do that. Then it has been talked about me moving in with her and when my brother heard that he had a fit and screamed at my mother. I don't know what do to. Thanks, Jenna
If you try to disrupt that pattern outside of an emergency, you risk them both ganging up against YOU - seeing you as the meddling bad guy, while losing any leverage you have.
I know it's hard, but I'd let things continue until something happens...which is often how change comes to our seniors (unfortunately). Something like brother winds up in the hospital from his untreated diabetes, or mom winds up in the hospital because of poor care from brother and can't go back home...
Otherwise you're beating your head against a brick wall. Any rational person would agree with your analysis of the situation, but the two players who are involved don't see enough wrong with their situation to want to make a drastic change.
I would call them back and clarify this - it doesn't sound right from what I've read here as well as from personal experience.
How about going to stay for a definite amount of time, say two weeks, agreed by everybody, and just seeing how it goes? That way nobody is committed to anything long term, and if it's not working you can all think again and no hard feelings. But if it is working, and it suits everyone, you can always extend the stay. Just tread carefully. Being positive and optimistic is great, and getting on better with your brother is great, too; but don't paint yourself into a corner. You need to keep your options open.
I would be very, very cautious in stepping back into the middle of their situation. You've said your brother has used physical violence on you before - even tried to strangle you. None of his grown children want anything to do with him, etc. There's a reason for that. So I'd be very, very careful about giving up your old life to rescue both of them. Your mom has proven again and again she'd rather keep your brother and his dysfunction than take any steps to a healthier existence. So just be careful for your own sake!
If you're that uneasy around your brother the idea of moving back even into this separate apartment sounds like a non-starter. But even more, for his long-term wellbeing's sake, he needs to stop leaning on his mother and pick up his life again. It sounds as though the divorce really derailed him? Or was the derailing responsible for the divorce, do you think? Either way, the current situation is doing nothing to get him back on his feet emotionally. Your mother may dread facing up to change, but living with an angry man is no good for her either. A separation needs to be brought about somehow...
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