Follow
Share

Hi, I live in another state and my older brother (64) lives with my Mom who is 89. He yells at her, belittles her, won't drive her to where she needs to go, etc.

My Mom won't do anything and I am scared to report my brother as I don't want to add more stress to my Mother as she is constantly stressed because of my brother. I suggested that my Mom sell her house but she is not ready to do that. Then it has been talked about me moving in with her and when my brother heard that he had a fit and screamed at my mother. I don't know what do to. Thanks, Jenna

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Find Care & Housing

128 Answers

Most
Helpful Newest
First Oldest
First
1 2 3 4 5
Call the police on him and get him evicted for domestic violence. He needs to be restrained from coming within a certain distance or calling your Mom. Tough situations call for tough responses. Brother needs to get his own place and a life. Get Mom to sell home and move to your home or get her into Assisted Living or an Independent living site and get her some caregivers. BUT LET THE POLICE HANDLE HIM AND REPORT IT AS DOMESTIC VIOLENCE. IT WILL WORK.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report
I would bring her to your house for a vacation and leave it at that. Don't move in and get in the middle. Trust me, I know.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
Based on my own experiences, I hope you didn't leave her in place. If she is hurt and you don't report it, you are an accessory to a felony. Yelling, threatening, strangling - it's all abuse. You need to report it. If you don't know how, call the domestic violence hotline and find out how to protect yourself while you protect your Mother. If you think your Mom can make decisions for herself, you are fooling yourself. She probably suffers from Stockholm Syndrome at this point. You have to advocate for her. That's your job. I had to go thru this too. My partner is much better now that he isn't being terrorized and financially abused. He can now talk about it, where he could not while living within the abusive situation. Remember, abusers are vindictive and retaliative. There is help, you aren't alone. Call National Domestic Abuse Hotline at 1−800−799−7233.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
Hey , then you can call on him as well since u will be close
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
Katiekat - this post caught my eye too because of the similarity to my own story. I wonder if "Jenna" is even still checking in here since it's been awhile. But I would chat with you if you want to continue discussion on this topic.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
You need to convince her that moving away is the answer and that brother will be moving in with his children. She will never leave as long as she thinks he "needs" her. I had to get POA on my mom (after she became too physically ill to manage her affairs) to get her away from my disastrous little brother. If your brother gets POA first, you are screwed! Get her to sign the papers now so it is in place when needed. Until she is mentally or physically incompetent, though, she can cancel the POA. Start calling the police when he gets verbally abusive to her.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report
I could not believe your question! I, too, have an adult brother (57) living with my mother (86) under the same type of conditions. However, my brother is a drug addict and I believe is exploiting my mother for money for his addiction. He verbally abuses her and when I stand up to him, she in turn, stands up FOR him! Ive learned to not argue with him, but to just stand BETWEEN him and my mother. That usually works. I had him locked up once before for outstanding warrants. He went to prison for 9 years. He's afraid I will call the police in him again so, he doesn't push very far. And he certainly will not cuss my mother when Im around, so my husband and I moved in. My mother would be broken hearted if my brother went back to prison, so for the sacrifices she made for me all my life, I feel like this is a small thing I can do ...just keep the peace and ensure her safety. Not for everyone, I know, but food for thought. Good luck!
Helpful Answer (2)
Report
The best answer is leave it alone. I'm in the same situation except my brother owns the house and is legal guardian of our mother. She doesn't want to leave. She complains about him yelling at her all the time. He does nothing for her. She pretty much takes care of him, by cleaning up after him, watching his grand kids and even fills out most of her own yearly report. He lies on the report saying she lives above average, when the house is a pig stye and he has no one to help except her ELDER'S helpers, which she goes through a different one almost every two months or less. I am homeless. My exhusband left me homeless over three years ago. I have lived at my brothers with Him and my mother off and on for two years. My hands are tied. However, even If I tried to change anything, it would be just like the number one post said, mom would stick up for my brother because she's happy being miserable.
I took care of her for 3 1/2 years, before my brother took her. They are both disfunctional trouble makers. I hope to get a place soon.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
This really raises many questions and concerns because I myself am and abuse survivor of 13 years at the hands of drunk and abusive parents.

What I would do is definitely get the abuser out of her home! Is he paying to stay there? The answer is probably know, isn't it? If he's not paying to stay there and not contributing to the household, he has no right to even be there. Get him out of there before he kills her!

!!! You mentioned he has a violent history and has a attacked you before, so what is he still doing there with a vulnerable elder? Don't you know that if he's getting physical, he will most likely one time go to far, killing her or someone in his path?

!!! Why aren't the authorities involved?

He's getting plenty of money, where is all of his money going?
If he's making that much money on disability then he should take some of that money and rent an apartment somewhere and buy his own groceries. If he's not willing to help the very person giving him shelter and run of the property then he has no right to be there and he's not entitled to nothing from her if he's not willing to contribute
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
What a hard situation to be in all the above is good sound advice backed up with good information , but how can anyone stand by with a elderly person is being abused ? When it is in your own family it makes it even harder to deal with and what has been posted above are all valid statements ....... But right must stand up against wrong and protect the weak even if you will most likely get mud on your face in the process .... Let God help you with this it's been my experience He is the best partner in all we have to do in life .... God's speed .... Seek Him He will guide to the right path for this journey .......
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
Also....it took mom a while before she would agree to the mental health warrant. She too enables him. The thing is mothers can't kick their sons out of the house as the guilt is too much. So this was an alternative to that and her knowing it is for her sons well being.Not only would your brother get the mental help he needs, they would take care of the diabeties and heart issues that he has failed to do so for himself.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
Jenna...My brother is bipolar with psychosis. He was verbally abusing everyone in the house including mom, lighting fires in the garage and under the patio. Seeing things that werent there.. Ect. My mom and I went and got a mental health warrant. 3 days later the police picked him up and took him to the county psyche ward for 72 hours, then he went to an inpatient facility where he received help. Im sad to say he decided not to remain on the meds that helped him, but when he was released he was placed on forlow and could be picked up and taken back to the inpatient mental facility. He was there a while. If your brother is a danger to himself or others, you and your mom .....if she is willing to do so as this would benefit your brother....you could make the necessary arrangements for your mom during his inpatient stay.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
Jenna rose, you could be describing my story. Except my brother has abused drugs and my mom has freely given him all her life insurance over 20 years. She sold her house moved into an apartment with him, and he has drained her savings from the sale of her house.

We helped her through bankruptcy three years ago. Got her back on track. Suddenly all money is gone, she somehow managed to get a small loan that she couldn't pay.

We said we would help if we took over her finances. She agreed. It lasted three weeks with many calls wanting money for "gas and groceries" she never bought.

She took our name off the account today. I am trying everything I can to figure out what I can do which doesn't seem to be much.

It's beyond frustrating. I am going to post this question also
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
JennaRose, Wellmeaning is one hundred percent correct here. Great advice. Good Luck JR it's a horrible situation to be confronted with, but Your Bro is a Bully and He kneed's to be removed. Get help, do not challenge Him on Your own.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
Your mother is probably terrified of him but she's afraid that if she kicks him out someone will kill him. Bottom line, they BOTH need help and a woman that age is not able to make a decision like this on her own. It's time for YOU to be the parent get him out and take care of your mother she deserves much better at this juncture of her life.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
I have dealt with the same thing recently, my suggestion. GET INVOLVED. I would ignore damn near every post on here. If you get a call and your brother has beat your mother or (or even worse) you will feel guilty for the rest of your life knowing you could have done something. I moved with my mother for a month and called APS and had my brother physically removed. He has mental problems. The stuff that I cleaned from her house broke my heart it was so disgusting. If your brother wants to be miserable and kill himself let him do it but don't let him take your mother with him.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report
Hi JennaRose. I'm very sorry for Your dearest Mom. No Mother should be treated in this way. My advice to You is pack Your Mom's clothes plus all Her necessities and bring Your Mom to Live with You so that Your darling Mother can Live out the remainder of Her Life in peace. OR Get Your Brother barred from Your Mom's home, and You move in to Care for Your Mom.
Jenna You have seen how Your Brother treats Your Mom, and this kneed's to be STOPPED NOW. You must act immediately because if You do not You may never forgive Your Self.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
Oh Dsouza. That is just too sad. Maybe, though there might be hard feelings, get a third party like an estate planner to help. Or, maybe your brother does not realize that the valuable items were being taken from you, because Mom tells him "take it, take it, its no problem and I'll be upset if you say no?" And if Mom gifts brother or anyone like that , it could be a financial and/or care planning disaster if she ever needs Medicaid.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
I agree with the others who have said to tread very carefully - and to avoid getting yourself into a situation that is difficult to get out of. Yes, some parents DO pit their children against each other. They seem to basque in the chaos and dysfunction. I stepped in and extracted my own mother from what sounds like a very very similar situation and the outcome for me was, yes, to become a live-in servant with her calling the (unmedicated but diagnosed bipolar) sister (who she had accused of trying to killing her and who was financially exploiting her) and badmouthing me. Talk about whiplash. I wish I had never gotten involved. Be careful.
Helpful Answer (6)
Report
You have been giving your mother financial help since the age of 18? Your brother stole that money, and now your mother has stolen your belongings to give to your brother? And now she wants to sell her house to give this brother the proceeds?

Is there a backstory to all of this?
Helpful Answer (2)
Report
My mom is 78 years old and visits me once in a year for 3 months, i have been very supportive,caring and given her financial help from the age of 18 year till now. Dad left some money in the bank for my mom with my brothers and sis in law help took the money and told me after spending my money. my belonging like my gold ring, clothes household things which was kept in her house she takes it and gives it to my elder brother without my knowledge, cause she thinks he is not well to do, i am very upset with her, my elder brother has never given her penny till today of his earning and she believes that he is not earning well. he has a job two kids, and he never told any of the sibling he is not doing well. yesterday i had an argument with my mom she is crying whole day today, and i cannot handle the situation now. she also wants to stay with him by selling the house and giving him the maximum share, Pls help
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
Kathy - start a new thread and provide some details, and keep an eye on your spell checker!
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
I don't know what to do my bother is take a vag of her and trying to sel the land and take it fun me
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
Thanks. I'm trying to arrange for my Mom to see a new Gastro doctor. Last time she saw one she couldn't drink the chalky drink they give you. My Mom has always suffered from gas and constipation ever since I was little. But she always ate. She told me she is very depressed and feels lonely. She wants me to understand that life is not worth living when she is suffering so much especially at age 90.

My brother does know that the house is for sale (though he is not looking for a place to live) and I also hired an elder care attorney who gave me POA (medical and financial). My Mom just called me up and asked me to come and get her or she said she is going to starve to death as no one is taking care of her. If I do that then I can evict my brother from the house using a service that was mentioned in this forum.
Helpful Answer (5)
Report
It sounds like a trip to mom's doctor might be needed. She could have a new health issue that needs to be addressed. As far as the brother is concerned - Does he know that you are planning to sell the house? You may want to check with tenant laws in your state, but you may need to give him proper notice (usually 30 days) for him to leave. It would be difficult to complete the sale of the house if the brother is still living there and refusing to leave.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report
Update: Many people are interested in buying my Mom's house, will know more in a few days about one couple that are very serious.

New problem: My Mom has stopped eating and struggles to get some Ensure down. She tells me she is in a lot of pain from gas and suffers from chronic constipation. I saw my Mom 3 weeks ago and she looks so frail.

We talked about my coming to get her to come live with me so I can take care of her but she's nervous about my brother messing up the house when potential buyers come and look at it. My Mom would like me to stay at her house but I don't want to be near my abusive brother. I never got my brother evicted because I was scared he would abuse my Mom even more.

Any ideas? I'm really scared for my Mom.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report
I would make sure that she still feels safe in her home ,it sounds like you need to have a live feed camera in or near where you mom spends most of her day , I would ask er if its was ok to do that and simply get a little basic sign say that there is camera on the premises so if you hear or see anything it is admissible, document every time he starts in on her in great detail so when you have enough to warrant an investigation. if need be , but i would go to your brother and let him know this is where he is making it go and if it doesn't stop and her doesn't comply with your moms wishes then something will come out of that information.. Above everything make sure she feels safe in her own home and that she isn't fearing any thing he might do to her if and when he finds out . If she is fearful then you should get a restraining order with no contact until the situation is better evaluated .this is just my opinion but she needs to not have to live in fear.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
I would like to thank everyone for all of the advice. i really didn't think that this many people would have gone thru similar experiences. i have gotten a chance to finally sit down with her and turn her phone off so he can't interrupt or conversation.The advice everyone gave has help me come up with a so far successful path to get her to see just what he is and has been doing to her and me. once again thank you or your help and input God Bless
Helpful Answer (2)
Report
Hi deathstalker,

I wish I had helpful advice for you but sadly I do not. My Mom protected her abuser (my brother) for so many years and no matter what I said she still did it anyway. It's called enabling and the only person that can stop it is your Mom.

I'm afraid there is nothing you can do, it's really up to your Mom. She is allowing this abuse by not evicting him. Being that your Mom is capable of working it's not like she is fragile like my 90 year old Mom who has no emotional or physical strength left. The only legal way is for you to get POA (power of attorney) of your Mom's finances. Maybe try talking to an Elder Care Attorney or an attorney that specializes in finances.

Has your brother physically abused your Mom? Verbal abuse is very hard to prove, almost impossible unless you can get many witnesses to call APS. I don't know how much video taping your brother may help with APS. Can you get a nanny cam inside the house and video tape your brother?

Again, this is not going to stop unless your Mom goes to court and starts eviction proceedings. If your Mom ever decides to do that you can go with her for moral support.

I wish I had better answers for you,
Jenna
Helpful Answer (6)
Report
I HAVE BEEN DOCUMENTING A LOT OF THING THAT GO ON , SHE ALWAYS protects him any time i even mention him she gets upset and cuts me off I've told her either serve him a 30 day notice and evict him thru the courts or at least give him notices to pay rent and half the bills and she just tells me she not going to do that cause it will just start to much shit. he constantly is calling her to find out where shes at , hes got her house cluttered with all of his stuff. She basically stays in her room when she is home. I'm afraid that she has been conditioned to avoid talking about him, i remember something my brother said a few years back and it was around the same time i noticed he was getting more controlling and demanding , He said "people will always run to pleasure and run from pain and i have seem first hand how he is relentless about lecturing her and yelling at her and insulting her. About years ago we lived across the street from her and i noticed my brother just standing in the drive way looking down the street. my mom pulls up after a 9 hour work day and before she can even get out of the car he lays into her when i realized what he was doing i ran across the street and got in his face .telling him if i ever see or hear him talking to her like that again then he can try talking to me like that and i told him he better leave her alone that was about 8 years ago , that is the last time i was allowed in her house HOW CAN YOU BREAK THAT CYCLE
Helpful Answer (4)
Report
1 2 3 4 5
This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.

Recent Questions


Popular Questions


Related Questions

Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter