My father is coming in and out of dementia; he knows my name, but sometimes that's all. he stares out the window or at a spot on the wall. He cant hear; cant walk, Sometimes he gets better and at least we talk a little, not really about anything cause its like he denies death. but I got a call yesterday from my younger brother in Ohio (we are in Florida) saying that my older brother (who I haven't seen in maybe 20 years) is in the hospital again, this time in a coma. My older brother was always "the hero"; the king for the day, then drank himself further and further into trouble. He lies as easily as telling the truth and he hasn't called in years. I am struggling as to whether to even tell dad. I don't know if he'd want to get on a plane and go see him (I cant take that time now, and I am quite detached from my brother once I saw he would never decide to stand in his truth). Advice?
Even if your dad doesn't speak fondly about him, he still speaks about him. That is his son and he has a right to know. I think you have to tell him not only for your dad and your dying brother, but for you. You would have to carry all that guilt-- if after your brother died your dad asked about him and you knowing in your heart that your brother isn't alive anymore. You could just break it to him gently and tell your dad that all the years of hard living have caught up with your brother and he is in the hospital for the final time, in a coma. Just stay with your dad for awhile after you tell him and see how he handles it emotionally. At some point he may need time alone.
I'm sorry Linda :(
If you think telling him his son is dying will be upsetting and traumatic, then what is there to gain, skip it.
You can tell him he passed away later after the event especially if the dementia is pretty progressed.
I think you can just tell him the truth that your brother is seriously ill and is at the hospital. That it doesn't look good. And just leave it at that.
If he asks for more information, like how seriously ill? Why he's in the hospital? etc...then you can answer him truthfully as he asks each question. This way, HE decides how much info he needs from you.
You could tell just that he is really ill and in the hospital, and see how Dad reacts...
if Dad gets fixated on seeing him, maybe the sending of pictures or maybe just saying her's not able/still ont ready to come see you would work. As you can see from the above, there is no one right answer for every situation.
It has got to be hard to forgive your brother for wasting his life and leaving you with such a sad situation, even though it is his illness of alcoholism that is taking him away for good. I don't know if Al-Anon or any group like that could help you with that part...hugs, and prayers your heart will tell you the best thing(s) to do and God will give you the strength to do them....
http://ageing.oxfordjournals.org/content/31/1/17.full.pdf
Based on this experience my family has decided it would do no good to tell mom about this. She cannot comprehend most things, cannot keep anything coherent thoughts in her head--but is happy and content in the NH, where we visit her frequently and bring her treats.
Think this over before you tell your dad. Does he really need to have this pain in his life? Especially since he hasn't seen him for years, and his memories are not all that good, either? God bless & be strong!
Dad's reaction may be to want to go to him, since that is something you cannot accomodate and is a very bad idea for dad's condition, spare yourself from having to deny at request.
God bless
You are fortunate that you were able to walk away from your addictions; I was too & I never looked back. Good for you! Your brother is a sick person but there is just so much you can do...you CANNOT jeopardize your well being over him! You are a bright, level-headed, hardworking, compassionate person and your dad needs you. And you need to stay healthy & strong. You are not doing anything wrong by walking away. Sometimes people cannot change & their presence in your life proves too toxic. Stay strong, stay good, love yourself & your dad--you are SO worth it!