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My father is coming in and out of dementia; he knows my name, but sometimes that's all. he stares out the window or at a spot on the wall. He cant hear; cant walk, Sometimes he gets better and at least we talk a little, not really about anything cause its like he denies death. but I got a call yesterday from my younger brother in Ohio (we are in Florida) saying that my older brother (who I haven't seen in maybe 20 years) is in the hospital again, this time in a coma. My older brother was always "the hero"; the king for the day, then drank himself further and further into trouble. He lies as easily as telling the truth and he hasn't called in years. I am struggling as to whether to even tell dad. I don't know if he'd want to get on a plane and go see him (I cant take that time now, and I am quite detached from my brother once I saw he would never decide to stand in his truth). Advice?

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galisey, I do think your Mom should be told gently just once. It is her son after all and she has the right to grieve his loss if she understands. After that only speak of it if she asks questions. Unless it is too late maybe get a photo of something surrounding his death, like a headstone, funeral flowers, or the creation urn. If you don't have POA for Mom let her caregivers make the decision.
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Can you please share how this all worked out daughterlinda? My brother just died after years of only coming around to see mom if he wanted something. And he took advantage of her financially, until my sister stepped in and took control of her finances. Both of my sister's don't think we should tell her, including the sister who is her primary caretaker. I think it's wrong not to tell her and I'm struggling with it.
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I believe in honesty except when it causes problems. I would tell your dad once and if the news about your brother upsets him, never mention it again. As for airplane travel, I would not go so far to say NEVER. My sister and I took Mother (in her third - as I remember - year of the disease - on a plane from Chicago to Miami for my cousin's son's Bar Mitzvah and she was fine. But as it is said: when you've seen one case of Alzheimer's, you've seen one case of Alzheimer's. Everyone is different.
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Kthin3---Thank you for knowing. once my brother was my hero and I worshipped him--wanted to be like him. Rode on the back of his motorcycle 3 sheets to the wind and no helmet. At some point (I guess the judge helped) I realized how hurtful my actions were both to myself and others. They taught me when I got help so many years ago that never forget I am only 1 step away from being there again, if I let myself. So I have surrounded myself with my own guidelines, and hanging around with drunks, giving them money or sympathy or even help is not somewhere I can go, for my own sake. Except, of course, my father. His drinking is a part of him and I have forgiven him and accepted it as his problem to tolerate. I just put him to bed and let him sleep it off and know "there for the grace of god". My brother has a daughter; she's a nurse and she cares for him. But he's in Phoenix and I'm in Florida, so geographically, I am in an island protected. I'm almost grateful for that. Makes it simplier. If there is such a thing at this point in my life!
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If forgiving him will result in your having to deal with too many bad emotions then I feel you need to not go there. Addiction runs in mine & my husband's family; his older sister is a junkie, will suck the lifeblood out of anyone who shows a shred of compassion and knows how to play the government where she is able to receive a sickening amount of $$ based on lies. After repeatedly feeling bad, mending fences we get burned....my husband's brother, the same thing.

You are fortunate that you were able to walk away from your addictions; I was too & I never looked back. Good for you! Your brother is a sick person but there is just so much you can do...you CANNOT jeopardize your well being over him! You are a bright, level-headed, hardworking, compassionate person and your dad needs you. And you need to stay healthy & strong. You are not doing anything wrong by walking away. Sometimes people cannot change & their presence in your life proves too toxic. Stay strong, stay good, love yourself & your dad--you are SO worth it!
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I know I really need to forgive him, but it seems to me then that I will face a raw and deadly pain. I too had to struggle with that disease and was able, with the grace of God, to be released. WHY NOT HIM? It is scary to think I would allow myself to even go there. There, for the grace of God, go I.....
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I absolutely agree that you should not allow dad to travel. having said that what is to be gained by telling dad about older brother? If he asks questions tell him you have not heard from him which after all is the truth. There does not seem to be a right answer.
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Spare your dad and spare yourself from telling him.
Dad's reaction may be to want to go to him, since that is something you cannot accomodate and is a very bad idea for dad's condition, spare yourself from having to deny at request.
God bless
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daughterlinda, as someon whose mom and dad both suffer from dementia (mom is in a NH) it has been my experience NOT to tell either of them about someone who is seriously ill or has passed away. It just brings them pain and sadness at the moment of telling...your dad will most likely forget this but it may bring on vivid dreams that won't necessarily be good. This just happened to us this past Monday--one of my mom's 2 surviving sisters passed away and I stupidly told dad. It made him profoundly sad & for the past 3 days when he wakes up with dreams of this aunt (Estelle) and ask "Where is Estelle? Why haven't we seen her?"

Based on this experience my family has decided it would do no good to tell mom about this. She cannot comprehend most things, cannot keep anything coherent thoughts in her head--but is happy and content in the NH, where we visit her frequently and bring her treats.

Think this over before you tell your dad. Does he really need to have this pain in his life? Especially since he hasn't seen him for years, and his memories are not all that good, either? God bless & be strong!
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Absolutely do not put your Dad on an airplane!
http://ageing.oxfordjournals.org/content/31/1/17.full.pdf
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I used to tell my dad that Mom was in the rehab and wasn't able to visit him - actually I'd offered to bring her over from her assisted living to his skilled nursing, and we could have done it, but she did not want to. I would just bring pictures back and forth to attempt to keep them in touch even a little. When my dad died, I did tell Mom and she was able to grasp that and remember it.

You could tell just that he is really ill and in the hospital, and see how Dad reacts...
if Dad gets fixated on seeing him, maybe the sending of pictures or maybe just saying her's not able/still ont ready to come see you would work. As you can see from the above, there is no one right answer for every situation.

It has got to be hard to forgive your brother for wasting his life and leaving you with such a sad situation, even though it is his illness of alcoholism that is taking him away for good. I don't know if Al-Anon or any group like that could help you with that part...hugs, and prayers your heart will tell you the best thing(s) to do and God will give you the strength to do them....
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I agree with those who say to spare your dad. He can't change anything and your brother hasn't been in recent touch with you or your dad, so the fact that he's near death won't affect your father. But obviously do whatever your heart tells you to do. I am sorry you have to go through this.
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We had this situation when father was in the hospital and not in his right mind due to UTI. This year, his sister died in January. His wife (mom) died in March. And then while he was in the hospital in June, his brother died. We were torn about telling father because when mom died, all he wanted was to die and join her.

I think you can just tell him the truth that your brother is seriously ill and is at the hospital. That it doesn't look good. And just leave it at that.

If he asks for more information, like how seriously ill? Why he's in the hospital? etc...then you can answer him truthfully as he asks each question. This way, HE decides how much info he needs from you.
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This is one of those situations where I think it's more merciful to not share the information from your dad. As sunflo2 said, what is there to gain. You will be adding additional misery to your already very ill father. One of the worst traumas a parent can experience is a child dying before the parent. Your father may obsess over the news and his relationship with his son. I think it's kinder to spare him. I'm sorry you and your family have to deal with this.
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If dad has a relationship with dying brother and they have been in recent contact within the last yr or two, then you can tell him he is in hospital, you don't have to say he's dying unless your dad asks that particular question. Likely if he has dementia, he will ask a couple questions then move onto something else.

If you think telling him his son is dying will be upsetting and traumatic, then what is there to gain, skip it.

You can tell him he passed away later after the event especially if the dementia is pretty progressed.
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linda-- I think you should tell your dad. :(
Even if your dad doesn't speak fondly about him, he still speaks about him. That is his son and he has a right to know. I think you have to tell him not only for your dad and your dying brother, but for you. You would have to carry all that guilt-- if after your brother died your dad asked about him and you knowing in your heart that your brother isn't alive anymore. You could just break it to him gently and tell your dad that all the years of hard living have caught up with your brother and he is in the hospital for the final time, in a coma. Just stay with your dad for awhile after you tell him and see how he handles it emotionally. At some point he may need time alone.
I'm sorry Linda :(
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that second "he" meant my dad. My dad talks about my older brother occasionally, on his better days, but its never fondly. I think he feels guilty about how he turned out. like most, it wasn't the best of childhoods....don't know if Dad will ever make peace with it...
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my younger brother says its whatever I decide. "there should be place for you in heaven, cause I cant do what you are doing" (caring for dad). You decide and I got your back. He talks about him sometimes, but its always "I wonder if he is in jail...he never calls anymore...he's probably in jail somewhere"..
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I agree with macada..
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Gosh daughterlinda, I'm sorry for all that you are going through, you have a lot on your plate. I guess it depends on your dad's dementia, does he remember your older brother and does he bring his name up from time to time? In your opinion if your younger brother had not told you that your older brother was dying do you think there would have ever been any communication between your oldest brother and your dad? If not, then I would not tell your dad, there would be no reason to bring up sadness for him. If your dad talks about his eldest son and you think he might want to have a conversation with him down the road then perhaps you should tell him. Does your younger brother think your dad should be told?
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