In my last post, I had said that brother & his wife (B&W) probably won't visit one last time before mom passes (she's on home hospice with dementia - totally bedridden, barely eating but vital signs are always good).
Well..guess what...brother has quit his overseas job and wants to stay with me for ONE MONTH OR MORE and spend time with mom. He says I can go on vacation in this time. This is waaaaay short notice for me to get on a plane & go to Hawaii. I'd rather save the money for the private aides that I'm paying for.
I'm shocked by this turn of events because B&W had never cared for mom in this dementia journey and only sent "thoughts and prayers" thru text messages. I was not expecting B&W to show up at all.
I've told him he can stay only for a week - I cannot tolerate them for more than 3 days. I still have horrible memories of begging them for help when mom became forgetful and them not replying to my messages.
B&W will probably badmouth me to rest of the family that I did not let them stay for more than a week. How do I put a positive spin on this?
If they criticize me publicly, what's some harmless replies I can give without getting into a huge fight?
Secondly, my mother has been in hospice twice, once for a year, and each time, improved and no longer needed hospice. I say this as the first time I canceled all plans, long overdue vacations, visits to friends and family. Covid hit right after she improved so I had put my life on hold for almost 2 years. When she went back into hospice, I didn't put my life on hold and asked my brother to step in so I could step out.
I can't speak for your situation but there may be some benefit in having your brother there for a while. If you need a break, it might be the right time to take one.
Finally, I wouldn't base on your actions on what you think others in the family will say about you. People, even family, will always say things, positive and negative, so don't make this your motivator.
Honestly I think even a week is too generous. No reason he can't stay in a hotel.
Besides what if he gets there and refuses to leave after a week? Might be better to not let him stay at all.
He can ASK to stay, not expect & never demand.
Your offer for one week stay is both reasonable & generous. (Over this becomes a burden to the host).
While suggesting you go holiday seems generous.. it is a little naive, impractical & even thoughtless. You can't plan in time, you may not WANT to go at this time & he will not have the experience or expertise to replace you.
Come? Sure. Stay ONE week. Then his choice is Motel, Hotel or Air BnB.
Make your communication CRYSTAL CLEAR. Tell him after one week, he must stay elsewhere. If he has not prearranged that, you will drive him, her & their bags to a local hotel. Have this hotel picked out & send him a link.
Rude? Maybe a little. But crystal clear.
Fish and visitors are the same, they both smell after three days
And that is just normally, not in the stress you live in
I think a week is more than generous and if they badmouth you to other family members I would guess they would agree with you, that you went above and beyond
When I first started reading your story I thought you were going to say no visit at all, stay at a hotel, and I would have agreed with that
It's not even reasonable to expect someone on a death watch to fly off on vacation. That's just nuts.
Helping.
Some days I can't type for anything.
I would tell him that your household doesn't at present have room for guests but that you can suggest some nearby lodgings for them to check availability of lodgings.
There is no need to be rude or unwelcoming. Just make it clear that this isn't a time for you to consider guests, and that it is wonderful that they are coming to see mom.
The point is, they should not expect you to play host . Tell your brother he can go to a hotel, and you aren’t up for hosting guests right now.
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