In my last post, I had said that brother & his wife (B&W) probably won't visit one last time before mom passes (she's on home hospice with dementia - totally bedridden, barely eating but vital signs are always good).
Well..guess what...brother has quit his overseas job and wants to stay with me for ONE MONTH OR MORE and spend time with mom. He says I can go on vacation in this time. This is waaaaay short notice for me to get on a plane & go to Hawaii. I'd rather save the money for the private aides that I'm paying for.
I'm shocked by this turn of events because B&W had never cared for mom in this dementia journey and only sent "thoughts and prayers" thru text messages. I was not expecting B&W to show up at all.
I've told him he can stay only for a week - I cannot tolerate them for more than 3 days. I still have horrible memories of begging them for help when mom became forgetful and them not replying to my messages.
B&W will probably badmouth me to rest of the family that I did not let them stay for more than a week. How do I put a positive spin on this?
If they criticize me publicly, what's some harmless replies I can give without getting into a huge fight?
Honestly I think even a week is too generous. No reason he can't stay in a hotel.
Besides what if he gets there and refuses to leave after a week? Might be better to not let him stay at all.
Secondly, my mother has been in hospice twice, once for a year, and each time, improved and no longer needed hospice. I say this as the first time I canceled all plans, long overdue vacations, visits to friends and family. Covid hit right after she improved so I had put my life on hold for almost 2 years. When she went back into hospice, I didn't put my life on hold and asked my brother to step in so I could step out.
I can't speak for your situation but there may be some benefit in having your brother there for a while. If you need a break, it might be the right time to take one.
Finally, I wouldn't base on your actions on what you think others in the family will say about you. People, even family, will always say things, positive and negative, so don't make this your motivator.
Your relationship with brother hasn’t been good and won’t get better just because mom is dying now. In fact, you probably won’t have any relationship with him after mom is gone. Which seems good, actually.
No matter what you do, some family member will find fault in order to suit their own purposes. This is what families do, unfortunately. So don’t let them dictate your life.
Good luck!
Since India is a long trip I may allow him 2 weeks, but after that if he wants to stay it will need to be in a Hotel. What does your husband say? I would also tell him that you will not be waiting on he and his wife.
I just had two weeks of family. One set came one week, the other the next week. They made themselves at home. Waited on themselves. Was nice.
Brother had issues with his job overseas, finally had enough & quit suddenly. He probably cannot afford a hotel for a month - he's a miser anyway and will not spend a penny out of his savings.
I was hoping to sever all ties with B & W after mom passes, but the last few months, he has been texting about mom and now this bombshell of staying with me.I'm totally aghast he'd even think such a crazy idea but my husband says he's family and I should not outright say NO.
I have told him he has to cook & clean up after themselves and he is not on vacation here at my house.
In a perfect world caregiving responsibilities would be shared equally among siblings. In reality though, everyone has their own individual circumstances and some people aren’t able to participate in caregiving.
It’s very hard to be a full time caregiver. I speak from experience. I was a full time caregiver for my mom. Very rarely do children share the caregiver responsibilities.
Sometimes healing is possible between siblings and other times there doesn’t seem to be a way to find a happy ending. You’re the only person who can determine what is right for you.
You made a generous offer to allow your brother to stay for a week and if he chooses to stay longer he can rent a B&B or a hotel. Don’t allow him to stay longer than you are comfortable with.
The least of my concerns would be what your brother says about you to other family members. They know that you have been the one by your mother’s side all of this time.
I doubt that you would want to take an extended vacation while your mom is on hospice.
I hope that your brother is sincere in wanting to be a part of your mom’s life.
How does she feel about your brother? I wouldn’t deny her the opportunity to see her son if she wishes to spend time with him.
If he has a troubled relationship with your mother and an extended visit would upset her, then you could ask him to leave. It’s your home.
You have been a wonderful advocate for her and I am sure that you want the best for her.
Wishing you peace as you continue on in your caregiving journey.
He can ASK to stay, not expect & never demand.
Your offer for one week stay is both reasonable & generous. (Over this becomes a burden to the host).
While suggesting you go holiday seems generous.. it is a little naive, impractical & even thoughtless. You can't plan in time, you may not WANT to go at this time & he will not have the experience or expertise to replace you.
Come? Sure. Stay ONE week. Then his choice is Motel, Hotel or Air BnB.
Make your communication CRYSTAL CLEAR. Tell him after one week, he must stay elsewhere. If he has not prearranged that, you will drive him, her & their bags to a local hotel. Have this hotel picked out & send him a link.
Rude? Maybe a little. But crystal clear.
Yes, I will put the onus of kicking out B&W on my husband - I think they are taking advantage of us in the name of "spending time with mom"
Fish and visitors are the same, they both smell after three days
And that is just normally, not in the stress you live in
I think a week is more than generous and if they badmouth you to other family members I would guess they would agree with you, that you went above and beyond
When I first started reading your story I thought you were going to say no visit at all, stay at a hotel, and I would have agreed with that
It's not even reasonable to expect someone on a death watch to fly off on vacation. That's just nuts.
Helping.
Some days I can't type for anything.
If not and I'm totally off in left field somewhere, send B&W off to an Air B&B and who cares about what the relatives think?
Thank you though...it was my husband who has been with me all the way...so he deserves his study room back after a week. B&W I think are planning to do touristy stuff using our home as base and this makes me furious
And I would take advantage of brother being there. Go out maybe take a long weekend somewhere with DH. He has been a rock. When its all over, brother will be going back home.
Thanks, JoAnn
My older brother has been just awful to me. I plan never to see him after our parents pass away. You do not have to kiss and makeup. You have the right to forget about him.
It's all about choice.
I would tell him that your household doesn't at present have room for guests but that you can suggest some nearby lodgings for them to check availability of lodgings.
There is no need to be rude or unwelcoming. Just make it clear that this isn't a time for you to consider guests, and that it is wonderful that they are coming to see mom.
The point is, they should not expect you to play host . Tell your brother he can go to a hotel, and you aren’t up for hosting guests right now.
They don’t realize . They think that it’s a family reunion and you are going to be host . We are now having same issue with my husbands brother . He wants to come see my father in law and wants us to host. My husband told him to rent a car at the airport and go to assisted living to visit his Dad on his own . We don’t have the time to do the over an hour drive back and forth each way to the airport .
Just say you have been so busy you aren’t up for house guests or hosting.
Lol, I’ll let DH know he made a friend .
You are still nicer than me though .
When my Dad was on hospice I was not in the mood to have anyone staying at my house , especially uninvolved , siblings who showed up once or twice a year and expected me to throw a party when I was exhausted . They are adults they kind find a place to stay .
I felt like a servant whenever the sibs came to visit my parents, I was already a servant to my parents for years
OP will need to decide if she wants a houseguest and for how long . Personally I wouldn’t worry about what someone may say or think.
Like you said , If she’s too tired for a houseguest or not in the mood , she should limit the time brother stays at her home if at all .